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He stares blankly at the flickering fluorescent light, tired blue eyes dragging down the empty plastic shelves in a weird, detached sort of motion. Another wave of fatigue washes over him and he tightens his fingers around the cold metal handle, eyes slipping closed as he waits for the light-headedness to pass. A loud growling sound cuts through the silence of his kitchen and he pries his eyes open to glare at his stomach in betrayal. He bends down to pick up the last three protein shakes with an annoyed swipe, the fridge door swinging closed behind him as he drags his feet towards the counter and pries open the tab of the first can.
The familiar powdery, chalk-like taste hits his tongue and he has to plug his nose to force it down his throat. God, these things are nasty, but.. they’re the highest calorie option he can afford ( and the fact that he can buy them online in bulk to save a few bucks doesn’t make them any easier to drink ), so he forces himself to swallow and tosses the empty can in the recycling bin, already reaching for the next. He downs the next two as quickly as he can, wiping a stray drop from his chin before walking over to collapse on the couch, head lolling weakly against the back. His eyes bore into the ceiling, one hand rubbing at his stomach ineffectually, swallowing thickly around the lingering taste of those disgusting shakes before letting out an exhausted sigh. One hand lifts up to press at his eyeballs, trying to fight down the feeling of despair that’s always on the edges of his mind, always lurking, waiting to overwhelm him if he lets his guard down.
He tips over into the soft cushions, tugging the blanket off the back of the couch with one hand before sucking in a lungful of air, letting it back out slowly through his nose to try and calm down. God, he doesn’t know how much longer he can do this. It wasn’t that bad, back when he first got his speed— an extra pizza or three on top of his usual order ( and his stomach gives another growl at the thought of pizza– god, how long has it been since he had a nice, hot pizza ), packing four sandwiches for lunch instead of one. He had to cut back on his extracurricular spending– go to less movies, stop eating out as much– nothing that serious. But after he had joined the League, his food budget had almost quintupled, growing larger with every increase in speed, every lap around the planet to save innocent lives. He’s already gone through his meager savings ( and he spares a single, wistful thought for that small suburban home he had been eyeing– the one with the white picket fence and big backyard ), already cut back on every expense he can and it’s still– fuck, it’s still not enough.
Barry pulls his hand off his eyes, letting it flop to his left against the couch. The gold color of his Flash ring catches on the evening light filtering in through the window and he stares at the tiny lightning bolt dispassionately. Is this the price? He can’t help but wonder, eyeing the reflective metal, remembering how excited he was when he was making it, how he thought that he could change the world, help everyone now that he had these powers, this– this gift. Is this the cost? Is his speed just going to gnaw at him from the inside out, slowly breaking down every well-intentioned thought, every determined notion, until he’s nothing but dust?
He curls his fingers in a fist, clenching them against the couch cushions. No, he can’t give up, he can’t abandon the people that need him. If this is the cost, this constant hunger, then he’ll gladly pay it for the chance to make a difference, to help as many people as he can. He’ll just have to.. figure something out. Something he hasn’t thought of yet. He still has a little bit of savings left, still has a small amount of money that he puts aside every paycheck, after he’s paid off his rent and student loans– he could maybe—
The thought makes him frown, stomach flopping unpleasantly as his chest grows tight. No, he can’t do that– he can’t use that money.. that’s— he needs that, he needs those moments. Those times when it’s just him and Hal, shoulders bumping together as they eat some cheap burgers, staring out over the Pacific as he laughs at Hal’s retelling of some ridiculous space adventure, seagulls squawking in the distance. He loves those moments, those few hours of peace from the constant anxiety, the worrying if he’ll have enough to eat, if he’ll be able to get through an entire work day without passing out at his desk— Hal keeps him sane. Barry can just slowly eat some fries, savoring each bite as he closes his eyes and pretends, just for a moment, that everything is alright– that everything is how it used to be, back before they joined the League and it was just the two of them.
Besides, he reasons to himself, Hal doesn’t have that much money either. Who knows what Hal eats when Barry’s not buying him lunch ( he’s seen the inside of Hal’s apartment and honestly, it’s a wonder he’s still alive– or has the.. body type that he does ). He can’t just abandon his friends ( and Hal’s his best friend– the most important ), can’t make excuses and spend that money on himself just because he’s a little hungry ( and he can’t let Hal know— he’d only feel guilty, only blame himself, even when he can’t do anything about it ). Barry lets his eyes slip back closed, slipping his arm under the blanket and tugging it up over his face. He’ll have to figure something out– maybe take out a loan, find some money somewhere.. but for now— he’s just so tired ( he doesn’t remember the last time he’s been properly awake— no amount of caffeine can make up for the sheer lack of sustenance ). Maybe he’ll close his eyes, just for a moment— the people of central can wait for a little bit, just a few hours..
A small vibration on his ring cuts through the sleepy haze that had settled over him and Barry jerks back awake, hands sliding up to cover his face as he lets out an exhausted groan. His ring vibrates again and he lets out a quiet fuck ( don’t villains ever sleep? ever give him a break for a few goddamn seconds? ) before dragging the blanket off of him and thumbing the release mechanism on his ring, fumbling into his suit before reaching up to flick the League frequency on his earpiece.
“Flash here—” he drops the connection to clear his throat, coughing a few times before adjusting the pitch of his voice, trying not to sound as tired as he feels “— what’s the situation?”
“ Parasite’s been spotted in Metropolis. Meet at the Watchtower for a briefing. Five minutes. ”
Batman’s voice cuts out abruptly in his earpiece and Barry runs a hand over his face, pinching the bridge of his nose and shaking his head to clear the purple spots from his vision. Parasite’s a tough son of a bitch– he has to be on top of his game or else he could siphon the speed force right out of him.. and then everyone is at risk. He sits up on the couch, slapping his cheeks lightly before taking a deep breath and shoving himself to his feet, lightning flashing in his eyes as he taps into the familiar energy. The world blurs sickeningly for a moment and he pauses, pushing down the nausea in his empty stomach before making sure he’s stable and sprinting out the door of his apartment, down the eight flights of stairs and phasing right through the abandoned-looking phone booth a few blocks down. The robotic voice echoes around the capsule— ’Authorized user zero-four′— and then he’s materializing in the familiar metal corridor— ‘Recognize: Flash’— of the Watchtower.
The floor feels unsteady underneath him and he pauses, leaning heavily against the corridor wall to try and catch his breath. Shit, he has to pull himself together or else he’ll put everyone in danger, he just wishes he could think over the pangs of hunger in his stomach—
“Recognize: Green Lantern.”
Barry jumps back from the wall as he twists around, trying to not look at pathetic as he was just feeling but ends up snagging his boot against the floor, stumbling forward right into a very firm green chest. Warm hands automatically curl around his shoulders, tugging him back to steady him and he blinks up at the face of Hal Jordan. His best friend frowns at him, one eyebrow cocked in suspicion.
“Hey Bar. You okay?”
A hot flush spreads to his face and he shrugs Hal’s hands off his shoulders, crossing his arms over his chest a little bit defensively. He clears his throat.
“Um– yeah, sorry. I’m.. I’m fine.” He reaches up and fiddles with one earpiece, eyes fixated somewhere next to Hal’s boot as he tries to get his heart to calm down. “You just.. startled me.”
He glances back up at Hal’s face and the pilot’s eyes are narrowed, gaze darting all over Barry’s face and he takes a step back, standing up a little straighter under Hal’s scrutiny.
“Hmm..” Hal takes a step forward and Barry retreats, backing up until his back is pressing into the wall, looking everywhere but Hal’s face as he tries to think of what to say.
“You’re sure? You look really pale.” Hal’s voice is soft and unassuming, laced with concern and Barry feels himself blush, feeling– ashamed all of a sudden. He should be able to deal with this— he’s a grown man, and he can’t even feed himself, it’s– it’s pathetic.
“Bar?” Barry still can’t look at him, eyes downcast as his stomach gives anotherpang and he can feel his eyes suddenly sting at the corners. He blinks, shaking his head a little as his face gets hotter, the shame filling up every crack in his exhausted mind and god, he really can’t deal with this with how goddamn hungry he is—
“Barry. Look at me.” He feels a warm hand under his jaw, Hal’s gaze catching his own and Barry can see the concern in his amber eyes, the way his eyebrows are furrowed in the middle as he tries to work out what’s wrong, and it only makes Barry feel more ridiculous— he shouldn’t be worrying his friends. This is his problem– it’s not even that big of a deal..
“Hey—” Hal’s voice is soft, barely audible in the cold metal corridor and Barryblinks up at Hal’s face, fingers curling in a fist at his side. Hal’s hand slips from his jaw to his shoulder, thumb brushing at the side of Barry’s neck and his heart starts beating a little quicker than normal, watching as Hal’s eyes flick between his own, trying to figure out what’s wrong.
“— tell me.”
Barry freezes, shoulders digging into the wall as he bites at his lower lip, the calm assuredness of Hal’s voice washing over him in that same tone he uses during a fight, when he’ll turn to Barry and slap a hand on his shoulder with a firm ‘we got this’, something that doesn’t leave any room for doubts. He opens his mouth to tell him, realising that maybe.. maybe he doesn’t have to deal with this alone— he has Hal, and Hal always has his back. He lets out a long breath.
“Okay.. okay. I—” he reaches up to curl his fingers around Hal’s wrist, squeezing a little bit in gratitude. “Well.. it’s like this—”
“Everyone’s here. Conference room— now.”
The crackle of Bats’ voice cuts through his earpiece and can feel the resolve drain out of him– now’s not the time. He squeezes his fingers around Hal’s wrist one more time before gently dropping Hal’s hand from his shoulder, straightening up against the wall as he adjusts his hood to sit a little tighter on his face. He can see Hal shoot a familiar glare of annoyance down the corridor, before flicking his eyes back to Barry, expression a little bit helpless. Hal’s fingers reach out and curl around his arm, giving him a little reassuring squeeze.
“After– okay?”
Barry shoots him a weak smile and nods, ignoring the gnawing feeling in his stomach and turning to walk down the corridor. Hal falls into step beside him, warm arm reaching up to curl around Barry’s shoulder and he can’t help but lean into the contact a little, leaching what comfort he can. He’ll tell him after— right now, they have a job to do.
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“—should have known, should have realised what was happening—”
The muffled words penetrate the haze of unconsciousness, flitting through his mind and tugging at his eyelids, willing them to open. Tired blue eyes peek open, pupils dilating in the darkness of the room as he frowns, eyebrows furrowing with confusion– where? One arm slips beneath him and he moves to push himself up, hissing in pain as every single one of his muscles aches in protest. Jesus christ– ow. He blinks more insistently, trying to get the blurry room in front of him to come into focus ( what the hell happened? where is he? ) when a quiet beeping noise cuts through his panicked thoughts and he pauses. Oh— Medbay.
He settles back against the mound of pillows against his back, a quiet groan falling from his lips as his muscles twinge in relief. God, he feels like Grodd has just sat on him, every muscle and bone aching incessantly. The last thing he remembers is grabbing the last of the civilians and dropping them in a safe zone, sprinting back towards the battle and then— nothing.
The low timbre of spoken words filters in from under the gap in the door and he has to strain his ears to make them out—
“—you couldn’t have known. He went out of his way to hide this—”
“I’m his best friend! What kind of person doesn’t realise that his best friend is starving?! J’onn said he lost forty pounds! This has been going on for months, Diana- MONTHS! And I didn’t even notice—”
Barry feels the dread rise up in his chest, the steady beeps of the heart monitor increasing in speed as he glances to his right, eyeing the huge mound of IV bags with wide eyes. Shit. The medbay doors suddenly open with a loud woosh, green light flooding the room as Hal steps through the gap sluggishly, one hand rubbing at his eyes, shoulder slumped with exhaustion. He drops his hand, gaze flicking to Barry’s bed and their eyes meet, blue against brown and he hears Hal suck in a loud breath before he’s flying over to his side in an instant.
“Barry–” two warm hands reach out and grab either side of his face, amber eyes dragging over every inch of him in a way that has Barry squirming against the sheets under the intense scrutiny. Hal drops one hand to his shoulder, the other slipping into his hair and Barry can feel the blush forming on his cheeks, clearing his throat with a small, rough sound. Hal’s eyes meet his own and he feels another wave of guilt at how distressed Hal looks.
“Are you alright? How do you feel?” Hal’s fingers slide down from his shoulder and run lightly over his arm, trailing over what feels like a massive bruise and Barry lets out a small hiss of pain. Ow– fuck. Hal’s hand disappears from his arm and he tries not to frown at the sudden, cold feeling. He clears his throat again.
“I’m—” he coughs once and Hal’s handing him a glass of water before he can even blink, Barry wrapping shaking fingers around it with a grateful smile. He drains it all before trying to speak again. “I’m fine.”
Hal lets out an annoyed sigh and sets the empty glass back on the side table, pulling back to cross his arms over his chest with a frown. “Excuse me if I don’t quite trust your definition of fine.”
Barry’s eyes drop to the bed, guilt and shame washing over him and he blushes, fingers moving to pick at an errant string on the soft blue shirt someone had put him in. He hears Hal let out a long breath and the sound of a chair scooting against the floor, and then Hal’s warm fingers are curling around his own, threading between the digits and squeezing. Barry looks up in surprise.
“Barry—” Hal’s voice is rough, guilt-ridden and Barry winces at how upset he sounds “— why didn’t you tell me?”
He feels the corner of his eyes sting for the third time that day ( was it even the same day?– he still doesn’t know what happened ) and turns his head to the side, not quite able to bring himself to look at his friend’s face. He swallows roughly, voice small when he trusts himself to speak.
“I.. I don’t know.” He pulls at the string, watching it unravel as he curses himself for being so stupid— he should have been able to deal with this. Now Hal’s upset, and it’s his fault. “At first I thought it would just– go away on its own.” Hal lets out a snort of disbelief and Barry flicks his gaze up to glare at him. “Hey— it’s not like I have a ‘So, you got hit by lightning and now you’re fast’ guidebook or something. Kinda just making it up as I go here.”
Hal smiles a little bit at that and squeezes his fingers again in encouragement. Barry drops his eyes back to the bed, slumping a little further into the pillows. “It wasn’t that bad at first, when it was just the two of us– but then we joined the League, and, well– apparently you have to consume a ton of calories to keep up with running around the planet every day. Who knew?”
He tries to lighten up the atmosphere, forcing his mouth into a smile as he glances up at Hal.. but Hal’s not smiling, instead frowning intently at their hands twisted together on the bed ( which should be.. weird? but instead just feels nice–comforting, and well.. Barry still feels like shit, so he doesn’t spare it much thought ).
“So, what– you just.. didn’t eat? You lost forty pounds in the last two months, Barry—”
“No, that’s– um, that’s not it. I wanted to! I just..” he can feel the shame creep back up on him again and he tries to swallow it back down. When he speaks again his voice is no more than a small, embarrassed croak. “I, um.. I can’t– afford it.”
He hears Hal let out a loud groan and looks over in surprise as Hal’s forehead collides with their hands, thumping down once, twice before opening his mouth to speak. “Fuck, Barry– did you think that I wouldn’t help you? I mean, I know I’m not exactly well-off but I could have helped out– you’d be surprised the amount of free shit I can get in space just by being part of the Corps.” Hal’s head rolls to the side, facing away from him and when he speaks again his voice is quiet, words laced with self-loathing.
“Do you really not trust me that much?”
Barry blinks, free hand moving of it’s own accord to tug at Hal’s hair, forcing him to look at him. “Hey– that’s not it. You know I trust you. More than anyone.. I just—” he moves to rub his fingers against the back of his head, wincing when his skull gives a painful throb “— just didn’t want to.. burden you with this. It’s not that big of a deal—”
Hal’s head shoots up, eyes wide with anger. “Not that big of a deal?! Barry, you almost died!”
Barry’s eyes widen with shock, gaze flicking from Hal’s distraught expression to the IV needle still embedded in his wrist. “I— what? What happened?”
Hal’s fingers tighten around his own and he rubs his free hand over face and Barry finally notices the dark circles under his eyes, the stress that lines every crease of his face. “From what J’onn could tell, it looks like you passed out– while going almost light speed.” Hal drops his eyes to the bed. “You flew through three buildings, Bar– if it weren’t for that aura thing you have, you would have been–” Hal lets out a choked sound and Barry brushes his thumb over the side of his hand “– you would have died, fuck.”
Hal drops his head back to the bed, shoulders shaking almost imperceptibly and Barry swallows around the added guilt that bubbles up his throat. He hears Hal speak again, words muffled by the sheets. “You weren’t moving– you weren’t even breathing– I thought—” he hears Hal suck in a ragged breath and he has to reach out to squeeze his shoulder lightly “—I thought you were dead.”
A pained sound is torn from Hal’s throat and Barry slips his fingers back into Hal’s hair without really thinking about it, carding through the thick chocolate strands and tugging on his hand to get his attention.
“Hey– I’m still here. I’m alright.” He tries to smile reassuringly but Hal still looksmiserable, eyes growing wide as he pushes himself off the chair, leaning over so he’s bracketing Barry’s body on the bed. Barry blinks in surprise, faint blush creeping back up his cheeks as he tries to scoot back against the pillows.
“Promise me, Barry—” Hal sounds serious– earnest, and he freezes, fingers still trapped between Hal’s on the bed “— promise me that if something like this happens again, you’ll tell me.” Hal reaches up to shake his shoulder a little bit, mouth set in a tight line, expression a tiny bit desperate. “You and me– we’re a team, remember? You don’t have to figure any of this out on your own.”
Barry flicks his eyes between Hal’s own, something warm settling behind his ribcage as his mouth lifts in a tiny, undeniably fond smile, shoulder slumping in something like relief, feeling lighter than he has in weeks. He could say something about Hal maybe taking his own advice ( the number of times Hal has tried to do something alone and gotten hurt is, frankly, staggering ), but instead he reaches up to curl his hand around Hal’s own.
“Y-yeah, okay. I promise.”
Hal lets out a relieved breath, thumb sliding up to brush over Barry’s neck and Barry blushes, finally realising just how close Hal is. He clears his throat once, shifting his hips against the bed and Hal finally blinks, gives Barry’s shoulder one last squeeze before sliding back into the chair and crossing his arms over his chest. Barry flexes his fingers, frowning at the sudden cold feeling. Hal tilts his head back on the chair, staring up at the ceiling with a vaguely strained expression on his face (is that an honest to god blush on his face? ) as he lets out a tired sounding sigh.
“Good.”
Barry’s face still feels a little hot, not quite sure what to say after all the– um.. hand-holding, so he lets his eyes slip closed, relaxing back into the pillows with a quiet huff. Just when the tense silence starts to get a tiny bit unbearable, it’s interrupted by a loud growl. Barry groans, tugging at the pillow behind him and shoving it over his face. Jesus christ.
He can hear Hal jump out of his chair, legs scooting loudly against the floor and then the pillow’s being dragged off his face. Barry pries his eyes open to glare at Hal in mock betrayal, but Hal’s looking at him funny– almost like.. he’s panicking?
“Sorry, I’m sorry— shit, J’onn said you could go home after you woke up, I completely forgot.” Hal reaches for his arm, gently slipping the IV out of his wrist before tugging the bandage back down to cover it. Barry watches in fascination– it’s always weird to be on the receiving end of first-aid from Hal. Hal runs a hand along the back of his head, looking– flustered all of a sudden. “Is pizza okay? You need to eat– my treat. I owe you about a hundred meals anyways.”
Barry flushes again, wishing he still had that pillow to hide under– it’s weird, the last few minutes were pretty.. heavy.. and he doesn’t really know what to say after you’ve just been holding your best friend’s hand for the past fifteen minutes. He swallows nervously and manages a shaky nod, the thought of nice, hot pizza hastening his movements as he pushes himself up and slides his feet off the bed all at once. His legs give out immediately and he lets out a small, surprised noise, slipping forward right into Hal’s chest. Again.
Hal’s arms wrap around him instantly, gently holding him up as he lets out an exasperated huff. “This is becoming a habit.” Barry groans into Hal’s chest, overwhelming embarrassment slowly being replaced by a light-headed, deep-seeded exhaustion and he slumps into Hal’s unyielding support. Hal leans down and slips his arms under Barry’s knees, lifting him all at once and Barry makes a mild protesting noise, too tired to do much but swat at his chest with a pathetic motion.
The room moves around him and they’re suddenly floating, soft green light surrounding them in a small bubble. Hal looks down at his squirming and curls his arms tighter.
“Stop that. Just– just let me take care of you for once, alright?”
Barry squints up at Hal’s face, watching way he purses his lips and looks anywhere but down, clearly embarrassed and he lets his head drop to Hal’s chest in defeat. He really doesn’t have the energy to.. sort out what he’s feeling right now so he just relaxes in Hal’s grip, lets himself be held against Hal’s chest and closes his eyes, the soft hum of the Watchtower fading to silence as Hal phases them right through the wall, beginning the descent back to Earth. He’s almost asleep when he feels Hal shift suddenly—
“—wait. Barry, if you can’t afford food how did you pay for all those meals with me?”
Barry’s eyes shoot open, eyelashes dragging against the stretchy space fabric of Hal’s uniform and he feels his face get hot ( again– jesus christ, will he ever stop blushing? ), a vaguely panicked feeling making him squirm a little bit and tilt his head further into Hal’s chest.
“Umm..” he tries to think of something to say that doesn’t sound so.. damning.. but exhaustion is making his thoughts sluggish, preventing him from coming up with a plausible alternative so he just.. shrugs, rubbing his forehead back and forth once before opening his mouth to tell Hal the truth. “Well.. I might have– put a little bit of money aside for.. that.”
Hal lets out a pained sounding groan, fingers clenching around Barry’s thigh and shoulder as he holds him a little bit tighter. “Oh my god, Barry– you are the most infuriatingly selfless person I’ve ever fucking met. Why didn’t you just spend that on yourself, you dork?”
Barry reaches with one finger and drags it over the glowing Lantern symbol on Hal’s chest ( it’s so warm– it’s nice.. comforting ), trailing it down before dropping it back to his stomach. He hears Hal suck in a tiny breath and he hums, shifting a little closer in Hal’s hold ( why is he so warm? how has he never noticed ). “I like buying you food.. n’ eating with you.” He feels like he’s floating, light-headedness making his tongue a lot looser than it probably should be. “It’s nice— important.”
Hal lets out a small, strained-sounding ‘Barry’ and adjusts his grip on Barry’s neck, the faint sounds of Central finally reaching Barry’s ears. Two seconds later and the light disappears from behind his eyelids, Hal’s grip loosening around him before he’s being set down on the couch in his living room. Barry’s eyes blink open, eyebrows furrowing as he tries to focus on Hal’s blurry figure. A blanket settles over him and Hal moves back– away. His hand shoots out to grab Hal’s, whole arm shaking from the effort until Hal drops to his knees beside the couch, setting their hands down on the cushions and threading their fingers together more securely. He doesn’t think about how this– his fingers twisted in Hal’s own– seems normal now, just squeezes his hand a little bit tighter, trying to tug Hal in the direction of the couch to get him to stay.
“Hey, I’m just going to pick up the pizzas, okay? I’ll be back in a few minutes. Promise.”
Hal’s free hand reaches up and brushes the hair off his forehead and Barry lets his eyes slip closed, automatically leaning into the motion.
“M’kay.” God, he’s never been this tired in his life. He doesn’t really want Hal to go, but at the mention of pizza his stomach gives another loud rumble and he lets himself relax, sleep seeping into every muscle as he turns his head further into the couch cushion. “Get some for you, too. Okay?”
He hears Hal snort and push off his knees, powering up the ring and letting his uniform rematerialize around him. Hal’s fingers squeeze around his one more time before moving to slip them out of Barry’s grasp. Barry holds on for a brief moment, tilting his head back up to whisper out a heartfelt “– thank you.”
Hal’s hand brushes against his hair again before tugging the blanket further up his shoulders. Barry’s eyes feel heavy, a sleepy silence settling over him and he thinks he feels a soft kiss– right at the top of his head– but he can’t be sure as he lets the exhaustion creep over him and falls asleep.