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And Joowon wouldn't know how to react during the first few times Dongsik calls him that so he looks away from the too much drunken-in-love gaze of Dongsik, ignores the way his cheeks heat up, he fumbles on his words as he desperately tries to change the subject so they can both look past this moment which feels unreal for hundred of reasons and Dongsik lets him because he has always let Joowon get away with it.
He has always giving Joowon the space and time he needs to accept whatever they have been doing together for the last years until they exchanged vows together, surrounded by the only people who mattered to them. Still, being called "darling husband" by the only man who has managed to capture Joowon's iced heart feels like a dream and a nightmare he doesn't want to wake up from.
Sometimes he feels so grateful, that, unable to deal with all the emotions he feels, sometimes he thinks his heart would burst out of his chest. Other times, a part of him still feels unworthy of Dongsik's love and attention he chokes on his guilt and self-hate until Dongsik's arms come around him to pull him up from his own thoughts. And Dongsik is very good at convincing both of them that somehow, after everything they had been through, after life has sucked the very last drop of will from both of them, that they do deserve peace and love, mostly from each other.
So Joowon lets Dongsik call him whatever he wants. Husband and darling, darling husband. And Dongsik only gets creative from there, especially in public with their friends whenever they meet up.
Endearing names become bearable accompanied with Dongsik's sweet and gentle voice, his honest smile and soft gaze, as love pours out of him, painting Joowon's life rainbow. Dongsik knows the effects the endearment terms have on Joowon and Joowon lets him have his way because it obviously makes Dongsik very happy. His eyes light up everytime when Joowon gets surprised and fidgety after being called « dear », « sweetheart », « beloved » and other terms he would rather keep forever to himself and between them.
Juwoon only feels the littlest satisfaction when he comes home one day to see dongsik setting up the table for dinner, and the word tumbles out of his mouth before he can even think about it.
"Love, i am home."
It catches both of them by surprise. Joowon doesn't even realize what he has said until he catches sight of dongsik.
Dongsik drops the glass he has been holding, standing still as a statue as he stares at joowon, without blinking. They both look at each other, even the sudden drop of the glass couldn't shatter their moment.
Joowon only reacts when dongsik takes a step forward.
"Careful. The glass-"
"It's fine. I am wearing slippers."
He is wearing slippers. The matching ones they bought a few months ago. Joowon's skin itches, he feels like a stepped out of a line he has been avoiding for the past months following their wedding.
So, he stands frozen as dongsik walks toward him, eyes still locked on each other, joowon couldn't look away even if he wanted to, dongsik's gaze was full of unrecognizable emotions, as if all of everything he could possibly feel as a human being pours out of him and joowon feels curious and afraid at the same time. Dongsik has never looked at him this way.
His hands clench into fists and joowon can feel the unwanted thoughts and doubts coming back at full force. What if dongsik didn't like the word, what if he didn't like being called that way, what if he didn't like being called that way by joowon, what if it was too much, what if it wasn't enough, what if, what if, what if-
Joowon moves his cheek against dongsik's palm without meaning to, he leans into the touch, as if it's beyond his control to reach toward dongsik's presence. He hasn't realized he has closed his eyes, until dongsik's warm breath tingles the tip of his nose. And he opens his eyes to stare at the most beautiful smile dongsik has ever worn in his presence, except maybe at their wedding day.
Joowon's worries fly away as soon as he sees dongsik's lovely smile even if the unshed tears in dongsik's eyes want to make him frown.
"Do you know how long i have waited for you to call me that ?" asks Dongsik, as a single tear falls, rolling on his cheek and Joowon immediately unclenches his fists to bring his hand up and wipes away the tear. He has never liked to see him cry.
Joowon wants to apologies but feels like it wouldn't be welcomed so he just listens as Dongsik chuckles and brings up his other hand to clutch at the collar of Joowon's long, gray, coat.
"I thought the day would never come." says dongsik, and Joowon knows him more than enough now to notice the fake pout he is wearing.
Joowon doesn't know what to say but he never had to, for Dongsik to understand the unsaid words.
"You were just taking your sweet time to drop the bomb and surprise me, didn't you ?" asks Dongsik, smirking and Joowon chuckles, familiar enough with their game of cat and mouse, of pulling the words out of the other until they are ready to say it.
"Are you surprised?" asks Joowon, pushing down the self disappointment flaring into his mind, because he could have done this sooner, he should have done this sooner but there were still wires binding him to his past and self doubts which were hard to cut off. But dongsik has always been patient.
"Very much so. You couldn't have chose a better day." replies Dongsik and winks at him. And it only takes Joowon two seconds to remember the importance of today's date. Their first meeting happened ten years ago. It unsettles him for a few seconds, leaving him breathless because of the meaning today holds.
Joowon swallows his emotions and focuses on Dongsik's warm gaze and gentle smile. Knowing that he is the reason behind it gives Joowon more will to continue living.
"Are you happy?" asks Joowon, a question he has never asked but a question Dongsik has never hesitated replying during all their years together, with words of love and affirmations about their relationship.
And Joowon has tried to do the same, to show Dongsik that he has never been happier than all the moments he had spent by his side.
"I am very happy." says Dongsik and Joowon breathes a little easier, as if a unknown weight has just lifted off his shoulders.
"Good. That's good. I like it when you are happy."
And it's true. It was one of joowon's vow, anyway.
« Make Dongsik as happy as I can. »
Because he has been through hell and back , bruised and insane, desperately trying to hold to some form of life, as he was put down again and again, but has always managed to get up, again and again despite all odds, despite all doubts.
"Good. You should make me happier then."
Joowon hears the teasing in Dongsik's voice but he hangs on to his words like a starved man reaching for water in a desert because yes, yes, yes, that is all he wants to do. He would bleed himself dry if it would make Dongsik happy and knowing Dongsik feels the same is terrifying. It's beautiful.
Dongsik's eyes are shining, his lips curve into a teasing smile as his eyes move to Joowon's lips then move back up to stare at joowon, expecting and waiting.
Joowon can count on both of his hands the amount of times he has been the first one to initiate a kiss. He is more of a person who shows affection with acts of service, or a simple hand holding. Apparently, he has always been easy to read.
Dongsik has said to him once that he didn't need Joowon to go out of his way and do more than he wants to, that he knew how to read Joowon's silence now and that he has always been more expressive than he thinks, whatever that means.
But today, he really does want to do more. It doesn't make him uncomfortable, maybe just surprised at his own bravery, always in awe of how much more he can do for Dongsik if the man just asked.
So he follows the pull, let himself fall into the gravity of Dongsik which has never been possible to resist and when he brings his head down and feels Dongsik's smile against his lips, Juwoon feels more than a little satisfied.
The kiss is brief and short, Dongsik pulls away before Juwoon can process anything. Dongsik is staring at him, with a smile and a silent question, eyes glinting with amusement and desire and Juwoon recognizes the dare in his expression.
Dongsik opens his mouth to say something, he is smirking, probably to tease Juwoon again, to push and prod like he has always done, like Juwoon has always let him but this time Juwoon is quicker. There is this unmeasurable want to show dongsik just how much Juwoon is feeling, just how much he loves him and there is no better way to do that than to surprise Dongsik again.
So Juwoon doesn't let him speak, he brings both of his hands up to rest his palms against the back of Dongsik's neck and he pulls, he pulls and it feels like coming home.
This kiss isn't brief, neither short and the sound Dongsik makes at the back of his throat only motivates Joowon further. This time, Juwoon smiles into their bruising kiss and he pours in everything he feels at the deepest part of his heart : gratitude, happiness, fears and love, love, love for the only man who has always been worth it.
They pull at each other, closer and closer and Juwoo looses his heavy, gray coat somewhere in the dining room and they stumble into the bedroom.
When they fall together into their bed, as Dongsik sinks into the matress and Juwoon makes himself comfortable on top of him, lips and hands traveling at every inch of their skin, Juwoon prays and makes a wish : that he never loses the gift of surprising Dongsik.