[ THECONGLOMERATE.MOV ]

[ PROPERTY OF THE COAL, OIL, AND GAS SYNDICATE – DO NOT REPRODUCE ]

[RECORDING BEGINS]

INTERVIEWER: …thank you for taking your time to be here, next!

[MUFFLED SOUNDS OF LAST INTERVIEWED COG LEAVING, FOLLOWED BY HEAVY FOOTSTEPS]

INTERVIEWER: Mr. O’Caine, is it?

THE CONGLOMERATE: Please, just call me Bill! We’re all friends here, aren’t we?

INTERVIEWER: I would, but I’ve been specifically requested to refer to you five by your last names. Anyway… I’m going to ask you a few questions in regards to your recent promotion. They may seem redundant at times, as I’m following a strict list of what to ask. Do not bring up the redundancy. Please answer with the truth and nothing but the truth. Do I make myself clear?

THE CONGLOMERATE: Yes!

INTERVIEWER: Good…

[ QUESTION ONE: PRIOR TO YOUR PROMOTION, WHAT WAS YOUR POSITION IN C.O.G.S INC.? ]

THE CONGLOMERATE: I was a Yesman, in case you couldn’t tell by my charms~…

INTERVIEWER: A Yesman? You’re awfully large for one… I could’ve almost mistaken you for a particularly tall Glad Hander.

THE CONGLOMERATE: Well, Suits don’t exactly stay the same as they were when they were manufactured, no? If they did, we’d all just be Coglings… well, some of us.

INTERVIEWER: On the topic of manufacturing, were you built as a Yesman or were you previously promoted into one?

THE CONGLOMERATE: Manufactured as one, nineteen months ago to be exact. They loved me straight off the assembly line, and who can blame them~?

[ QUESTION TWO: WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT POSITION? ]

THE CONGLOMERATE: Bossbot Manager, my new title is ‘The Conglomerate’. Fitting, hm~?

[SOUND OF DESK CREAKING AS THE CONGLOMERATE RESTS HIS ELBOWS ON IT]

INTERVIEWER: The Conglomerate… care to explain what that title entails, exactly?

THE CONGLOMERATE: Think of it as a team manager of sorts, I keep all the little guys in line and happy! And I’d say I’m doing a swell job at it!

INTERVIEWER: ‘Little guys’?

THE CONGLOMERATE: Flunkies, Bottom Feeders, Bloodsuckers, Bagholders. Y’know, the newbies. They love me, I’m like their big brother! Emphasis on ‘big’~! (GUFFAW)

INTERVIEWER: How do you keep them in line?

THE CONGLOMERATE: I host team exercises, help them cooperate on projects, the works. But my favorite activity is the mini-banquet!

INTERVIEWER: What is the mini-banquet?

THE CONGLOMERATE: Oh, ah… you know the large banquets held at Bossbot Headquarters? Mr. Oilcan has granted me permission to hold a similar event, except for the newbies to attend! They love it, I love it, we all have a good time and chat and eat… truly, it’s to die for! You should come sometimes, you seem like you’d be perfect for it!

INTERVIEWER: (OFFENDED) No thank you, Mr. O’Caine. I can assure you that, despite my appearance, I am very much not a ‘newbie’ to the company.

[ QUESTION THREE: HOW DO YOU PLAN TO IMPROVE C.O.G.S INC.? ]

THE CONGLOMERATE: C.O.G.S Inc. is already perfect, is it not~?

INTERVIEWER: Yes, but even perfection can be improved upon. How do you plan to further perfect it?

THE CONGLOMERATE: Well, aside from the banquets, I plan to raise general morale! Make Suits truly enjoy working here!

INTERVIEWER: And how exactly would that benefit the company?

THE CONGLOMERATE: People work harder when they’re in a good mood, it’ll benefit the bottom line. We’ll make more money if morale is higher!

[ QUESTION FOUR: HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF? ]

THE CONGLOMERATE: Cogs I’ve previously worked with have described me as a pleasure to be around. Generally friendly, charismatic, positive, and a very hard-worker! And I’d say I’m inclined to agree~!

INTERVIEWER: I see… any flaws? Do you get shy under pressure, or do you have a short temper, or-

THE CONGLOMERATE: Hm… flaws… well, sometimes I worry I wasn’t built… (DARKENED INFLECTION) right. Like they missed putting some important chip in me that makes me… normal? Sometimes I feel as if I think differently than the other Suits.

INTERVIEWER: Would you care to elaborate?

THE CONGLOMERATE: (SLIGHTLY AGGRAVATED) Yesman says NO.

INTERVIEWER: I’ve also noticed your disciplinary records have seemingly been corrupted, they aren’t accessible to anyone. Can you remember any particular incidents you g-

THE CONGLOMERATE: Oh, would you look at the time~? (STERNLY) I’d say it’s time for the next question.

[ QUESTION FIVE: HOW ACQUAINTED ARE YOU NOW WITH YOUR FELLOW MANAGERS? ]

THE CONGLOMERATE: I’d consider myself friends with Cosmo-

INTERVIEWER: Last names, please.

THE CONGLOMERATE: …Mr. Kuiper. I’m quite chummy with Mr. Kuiper!

INTERVIEWER: Have you known him prior to your promotion?

THE CONGLOMERATE: Oh yes, absolutely! You should go visit his pizzeria down in the Coal and Ice District, Mozzerella Styx! The pizza there is just- (MWAH) Perfection.

INTERVIEWER: I’ll consider it. Anyone else?

THE CONGLOMERATE: I’m friends with Mrs. Dama, as well, not at close but still friends.

INTERVIEWER: Your additional notes state you shouldn’t be allowed near Mr. Ruffler, Ms. Anna, or Mx. Esta. Has there been any previous altercations between you and them?

THE CONGLOMERATE: Ah… no comment. Truly nothing to look too deeply into, just some petty disagreements. You know how Ms. Anna can be about… the environment.

[ WRAP-UP ]

INTERVIEWER: Well, Mr. O’Caine, it’s been a pleasure to meet you!

[CHAIR SCRAPING AS THE CONGLOMERATE STANDS BACK UP]

THE CONGLOMERATE: Pleasure to meet you, too~!

INTERVIEWER: Are there any other things you’d like to add before you make your exit?

THE CONGLOMERATE: Oh, I should be asking that to you~! Is there any other questions you’d like to ask me before I leave?

INTERVIEWER: Well, there is… one thing… I didn’t exactly know where to slip it in.

THE CONGLOMERATE: Well, go for it little guy! Ask away, I’ve already been such a good open book… not like I’ll clam up now!

INTERVIEWER: Well, I’ve noticed something strange in regards to some of the Cogs assigned to work under you… they seem to go missing after a little while.

[SILENCE]

INTERVIEWER: I-I’m not accusing you of anything, it was just a question! Do you have any… input on that?

THE CONGLOMERATE: …No comment.

[RECORDING ENDS]

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