Archive of Our Own

               Chan should have never learned how to cook.

               He was sure that if he was as inept at cooking as some of his other friends were, he wasn’t pointing names because he was a good friend and a trusty leader, he wouldn’t have been in this position.

               Both hands on the counter, gaping mouth, dry eyes as he had been staring at Jeongin for two minutes without blinking, head a mess.

               It started that same afternoon, when he had texted Changbin that he was cooking steak for dinner, with some side dishes that he knew Changbin enjoyed. He wasn’t surprised when he texted back almost immediately that he would come over for dinner. Chan wasn’t surprised either when he asked if it was okay to tell Hyunjin to come too.

               It had been awkward without any reason at first, there was a period of time when Hyunjin seemed quite jealous of Changbin coming to Chan and Jeongin’s apartment to have lunch or dinner, but, after Changbin almost lost his head over what it meant (and almost made Chan lost his over it too, he could still hear Changbin’s cries during that conversation), they found the easiest solution was, indeed, to not be assholes and just tell Hyunjin to come over too, he refused the invitation at first, but Changbin was good at just ignoring what people were saying and making them do things.

               So it had become quite usual for the two of them to be over for dinner when they had time; sometimes the others, or some of them, would come over too.

               That afternoon, Changbin and Hyunjin were there earlier than expected, and dinner wasn’t ready.

               Jeongin came out of his bedroom and sat on the couch to talk with them. Chan was going back and forth between the kitchen and the living room. At some point, after they had gone silent for a while, Hyunjin started a game of truth or dare, but without the dare part because everyone was feeling too lazy to do any dares.

               The questions quickly turned sexual, as they always did when Hyunjin and Changbin were around without any cameras; Chan could only dread what their house’s conversations were like. But, as sexual as they were, they were pretty uninteresting. You can’t blame Chan for not wanting to know if it was true that Changbin jerked off every time he took a shower, or how many times a day Hyunjin got a boner.

               Then, Hyunjin asked Jeongin:

               “When was the last time you had sex?”

               Chan was coming out of the kitchen, as his turn was next, when he heard the question and then the answer.

               “Never,” Jeongin said, like he wasn’t shattering Chan’s reality for some reason.

               “What?” Changbin asked, and he was already on the verge of laughing.

               “What?” Jeongin spat back, ready to confront him; Changbin realised Jeongin was being serious, and he let himself drop back into the couch, raising his hands in apology.

               “You have never had sex, Innie?” Hyunjin asked, and Jeongin shook his head. Hyunjin nodded slowly. “Alright. Then, Chan.” He turned to see Chan frozen mid-steep. “Chan?” he asked. Chan closed his mouth and looked at him. “When was the last time you had sex?” he asked, reusing his question.

               “That’s the same question!” Changbin protested.

               They got into a petty fight about creativity, which was the perfect excuse for Chan to retreat into the kitchen, finding himself in the position he was now.

               He blinked when he realised Jeongin was looking back at him, an eyebrow arched. Chan smiled at him and turned around, as if he was preoccupied by something in the fire. He heard Jeongin standing up and walking towards him. He gripped his chopsticks so hard his knuckles turned white as he was waiting for Jeongin to get to the kitchen.

               He didn’t; he turned halfway there to go to the toilet.

               The thing was, as Chan started thinking during dinner as he ignored whatever conversation was going on, that he knew about everyone’s sexuality to a certain degree. He had been there for all the ‘I’m gay, can you accept that?’, and all the ‘I think I really like…’, and he had been there for every dirty thought and over-the-top sentences all the guys had thrown at him.

               Everyone except for Jeongin, so, it was natural, with him being so young when they had started, with the way he didn’t usually talk about those things, and with how he avoided physical contact, not only from the members but everyone, that Chan had kind of put him in an not even asexual, but, ‘saint’, category, it was like an unwritten rule for him ‘don’t think about sex or sexuality and Jeongin in the same sentence’.

               But him really fitting what Chan had thought had shocked him, maybe shaken him, fuck, it had made him think of Jeongin and sex in the same sentence.

               And after that confession every sexual question towards Jeongin had been prohibited in a new unspoked rule (nice, that’s what the group needed, more unspoken rules), but Chan really wanted to know, no he needed to know.

               He needed to know if Jeongin had kissed anyone; he supposed he had, at least a peck? Maybe more; had he made out with anyone? Had he jerked off anyone? Fingered someone?

               Had he ever given oral sex?

               Had he ever received-

               “Chan, what the hell, man?” Changbin called him. “Did you sleep at all today? You’re like, not here at all.”

               “I’m sorry, I’m not feeling well. Jeongin, can you clean the table when you are done with dinner?” he asked, looking again at Jeongin. He felt a blush creeping up his cheeks, and fuck, he had to disappear as soon as possible.

               “Who do you think we are?” Hyunjin interrupted Jeongin’s answer. “We’ll help too.”

               “Alright, thanks, see you tomorrow at practice” Chan quickly excused himself. It was undeniable that Jeongin had noticed something, he was looking at him inquisitively,

               Getting all alone was good in the way that no one could see his reddening face, and God, was he getting red. But it was bad in the way he was now all alone with his indecent thoughts about his very decent friend, who was in the other room, just enjoying dinner without knowing his friend and leader was a pervert.

               Chan started his laptop and tried to work in order to think of something else. But anytime he blinked, a new image appeared in the short darkness. And maybe Hyunjin had been right when he told him, a couple of weeks back, that he had gone too long without fucking anyone, because this was breaking him to a degree it shouldn’t.

               It shouldn’t be doing anything for him. Nothing at all, knowing that Jeongin was a virgin. But, God, Jeongin was a virgin. And for some reason, he didn’t know how to analyse it; it was the sexiest knowledge that Chan possessed. No one had ever touched Jeongin (at least in a way that mattered for Jeongin), and he hadn’t felt comfortable enough with anyone. And Chan could imagine Jeongin comfortable enough with him for them to-

               He slapped his hand on the desktop, stopping his thoughts.

               And virginity was such an obsolete concept, and maybe Jeongin was only teasing them anyway, a way to make Hyunjin’s questions stop. So nothing mattered.

               But when, four or five hours later, he lay on his bed, none of those rational thoughts stopped those images from coming back. His head was filled with Jeongin. He liked to imagine stories before going to bed. He imagined the next day at dance practice, him, Jeongin and Minho staying to perfect some movements. He imagined the way Jeoning would look, all worn out after the long hours, his hair tussled, his eyes half lidded as he gave the last of his energies to Minho, his sweaty body almost giving up.

               Minho told them it was okay for the day and left them behind in the studio. He would come closer to Jeongin, give him a reassuring pat on the back.

               “You did well,” he would whisper, tired himself. Jeongin’s eyes closed as he let out a quick laugh. “For real, Jeongin, you did great, you know Minho only wants us to do better.”

               “That’s easy for you to say,” Jeongin would whisper, and he’d crouch, Chan, doing the same.

               “Come on, relax.” Chan would start to rub his shoulders, Jeongin would completely sit on the floor, Chan smiled and got on his knees to have more leverage to really start massaging his shoulders. And then Jeongin would start to let out little noises. It was normal; he was giving him a massage, but the sounds would become a little deeper, and Chan’s hands would go lower down his back, down till he was gripping his waist and his face had come dangerously close to his neck.

               Jeongin’d be straight out moaning then, and Chan’d kiss his neck, making him open his eyes and start breathing quickly, but he wouldn’t move away, moving his neck to the side so Chan could kiss there better. Open-mouthed kisses going all the way to his ear, sucking his earlobe, Chan’s name on Jeongin’s lips. He would turn to kiss him for real, Chan laying him there on the studio floor, rumpling his t-shirt up, kissing his stomach, making Jeongin shiver, licking his way to his nipples, a salty trail over Jeongin’s abs.

               “Ssh, Minho is still around,” he would whisper as he pinched Jeongin’s nipples, making him gasp loudly.

               “Chan, please, fuck me.”

               Chan came on his hand.

               Embarrassingly quickly.

               Embarrassingly hard.

               Embarrassing thoughts.

               Next day at practice, he did end up having to stay later at Minho’s request. But Minho didn’t turn on the music when the rest left.

               “What the hell is going on, Chan?” Minho asked. He wasn’t angry; he looked really worried. “I haven’t seen you so distracted in a long time. Is something wrong?”

               ‘Yes’. “No, don’t worry, Minho.”

               “I worry. Tell me what’s going on.”

               “I… It’s really nothing, I’m just overthinking stuff.”

               Minho rolled his eyes; he clicked his tongue then. “I’ve got to be the older one sometimes,” he mumbled. “Okay, let’s go have dinner. Let’s go out.”

               “I’m too tired, Minnie.”

               “I don’t care. Do you want me to tell Jeongin?” Chan gulped. Minho did notice, of course. “Did you fight?”

               “No, no; you can tell him. We can tell everyone, a family dinner.”

               Minho kept looking at him, like he sometimes did, eyes intense in a way that was terrifying to almost everyone, but Chan was so used to that Minho stare that it was comforting more than anything. He smiled and tried to move out of his gaze, knowing his eyes would follow him all afternoon.

               “I’m going to shower then.”

               At the end, everyone was down to have dinner, and so they made a small restaurant put three tables together for them. Chan was praying for Jeongin to sit far away, but he, of course, didn’t.

               He sat next to Chan, all smiles and very happy to be out. To his other side, Felix was equally excited, and Jeongin wasn’t normally touchy at all, but Felix was all the contrary, and he would go over Chan’s lap to get to Jeongin, make him sway and bump into Chan. When it happened, Jeongin would look up at him and smile apologetically. Chan wanted to shout at him to never feel like he should apologise to him, never again take pity on him, let him know that he was so, so bad, so dirty.

               One of Felix’s movements made Jeongin fall sideways, a hand on Chan’s lap and his head almost on his crotch. Chan held his breath. Stood up as soon as Jeongin regained his composure.

               “I’m going to the toilet,” he almost shouted, and moved quickly.

               “What’s with him?” Jisung asked, and the consensus was to shrug, but Minho’s eyes were following Chan to the toilet, and Jisung noticed that he looked at Minho. “Do you know anything?”

               “I know everything, Sunggie,” Minho said, and poked at his cheek. Felix and Hyunjin laughed, but didn’t pay the scene any more attention.

               Chan splashed some water on his face. He had to get himself under control, or he would have to drop out of the group or something. What was happening to him? Jeongin touches him, and he almost gets a boner? Was he suddenly sixteen again?

               He went into the stall. When he went out, Minho was leaning against the sink, waiting for him.

               “What’s going on between Jeongin and you?” he asked, demanding an answer. The problem wasn’t that Chan didn’t want to tell him, but that he didn’t really know what was happening.

               “I really… Minho...”

               “Do you have a crush? Do you like him?” Minho asked. Chan knew if anyone could keep a secret like that, it was Minho.

               “No, I don’t think so,” Chan said, and he was being true; he didn’t have a crush, he had just developed a temporary obsession. ‘Please, let it be very temporally’ he thought.

               “Something’s fishy, Chan.”

               “I’ll tell you as soon as I know what’s going on.”

               Minho nodded, not really convinced. “Up to you,” he said, and left the toilets. As soon as he left, Chan leaned against the spot Minho had been in. He turned the faucet on and washed his hands.

               “Hey, Chan,” Jeongin's sweet voice came in. “Jisung spilt his cup already,” Jeongin informed him, and came to the sink next to his to clean his hands. “I think I got something in my eye; it’s bothering me so much.”

               Chan was looking at him through the mirror. Jeongin was stunning; he was probably the prettiest of them, and was getting more handsome with each year that passed him by. His eyes were, of course, to die for, the way they closed when he smiled had always seemed so cute for Chan, now he couldn’t help but imagine if they did the same when he was in bed.

               “Chan?” Jeongin called for him, his eyebrow raised.

               “I’m sorry, you were saying?”

               “You look distracted since yesterday,” Jeongin told him.

               “Yeah, lots of things on my mind, Innie.”

               Jeongin only nodded. “I was saying there’s something in my eye; can you help me?”

               “Oh, yeah, of course. Let me dry my hands,” Chan moved quickly, positioning Jeongin against the sinks, where the light was stronger. He put both hands on his jaw, sprawled half between his cheeks and neck, and made him tilt his head up towards the lights.

               It was a special occasion every time he could touch Jeongin; it had always been. But this time, he couldn’t help but notice all of his skin under his hands. The sharpness of his jaw, the softness of his skin under his fingers.

               He moved his thumbs closer to Jeongin’s eyes.

               “Which eye?” he asked, and he wasn’t sure why he was whispering.

               “Right one,” Jeongin answered, pointing with a finger of his own. He was also whispering, and when he let his hand down, it caught with one of Chan’s for just a moment. It was enough to make Chan shiver; he was sure Jeongin had noticed, but Jeongin didn’t move away.

               Chan came closer, carefully, to Jeongin’s eye; he held it open with his thumb. It was an intimate moment that lasted for a long time, as Chan directed Jeongin to look up, down, left and right, till he found the lash that had gotten in Jeongin’s eye. He took the corner of the tissue he had prepared when he had dried his hands and carefully took it out, showing it to Jeongin when he finished blinking.

               “Try not to rub it now,” Chan told him, and Jeongin nodded; his eyes were watery, the right one very red over Chan’s touch, the irritation of the lash, and probably Jeongin rubbing his eye before deciding to go to the toilets to get it out.

               “Thanks, Chan,” Jeongin said, and Chan noticed he was still whispering even when Chan wasn’t anymore. Chan smiled, and Jeongin left the toilet. Chan followed him.

               “What took you so long, man?” Changbin asked as Chan and Jeongin sat at the table. All in all, it was true that Chan had been away for a long time. So he expected the joke. “Having some intestinal problems?”

               “I heard kiwi is very good for that,” Seungmin answered, looking at Hyunjin, and everyone laughed.

               Chan was grateful they hadn’t chosen the other classic joke when two people came out of the toilet together. Grateful or disappointed, he wasn’t sure how he really felt, if he was being true.

               The rest of the dinner went by very smoothly. Felix stopped playfully bothering Jeongin and was, instead, having his fun with Hyunjin, touching his head every two seconds and making him make some sounds that made everyone uncomfortable. Minho was looking at him all the time, but he was quiet, and, towards the end, Jisung whispered something in his ear, pouting, and Minho’s attention completely shifted to him.

               Then Jeongin's head knocked on his shoulder. Jeongin straightened himself immediately, everyone started to tease him about being past his bedtime, and being too tired from preschool schedules; Chan took his head and put it against his shoulder again.

               “Sleep, sleep, little baby,” he said, in the same joking tone, everyone laughed again.

               It was good, he wanted to go back to that, no more thinking about Jeongin in a way that wasn’t a younger brother.

               Of course, it didn’t last long. On the way home, Jeongin sat as co-pilot; as he turned to talk to Seungmin and Felix in the back, he put his hand on Chan’s leg, not his thigh, but higher than his knee, and, still turned, he started to squeeze there, probably unconsciously. It sent sparks up Chan’s thigh nonetheless.

               The conversation with the people on the back went on for longer than Chan expected. When he hit the brakes at a red light, Jeongin moved slightly on the seat. Chan took it as an excuse to slap Jeongin’s hand lightly on his leg to call for his attention.

               “Sit straight, it’s dangerous.”

               “Yes, daddy,” Jeongin said, rolling his eyes.

               Chan wasn’t going to think about that sentence. Jeongin turned, kept talking to Seungmin and Felix anyway, and before the light changed, his hand was back on Chan’s leg, higher this time.

               Had Jeongin ever put his hand on whoever was driving before? He sure as hell had never done it with Chan. Why now of all times? Chan was going to die. He was going to speed the car and just…

               The light changed. He kept driving them home. Jeongin kept his hand in, place, not only that, but he started squeezing again, like he was giving Chan a massage to relieve his aching muscles. Chan’s muscles were aching all over his body, maybe Jeongin should squeeze some other parts of him.

               “Thanks for the ride, Chan!” Felix chirped getting out of the car. He hugged Chan when he, too, came out of the car. Jeongin and Seungmin only waved goodbye. When they left, Jeongin got his arm latched to Chan’s.

               Now was Chan’s turn to look utterly confused, both eyebrows raised.

               “I’m tired,” Jeongin said as an explanation. Chan only hummed as a response, not sure if it was something reasonable for Jeongin to do when he was tired. As they walked towards the elevator, he thought that maybe everyone was going crazy and not just him, maybe something on the water. Or maybe Jeongin hadn’t been as touch-adverse as he remembered; maybe he had always been okay with doing things like these, and Chan was just over-reacting to normal Jeongin behaviour.

               He could gaslight himself into believing that, yeah.

               At home, he was the first one to get into the shower. He very carefully avoided any thought at all as he did so, successfully getting out of the shower without any Jeongin-thought, well, almost none, but he didn’t touch himself, and only was sporting a semi, so it was a triumph with how things were since yesterday.

               “Chan,” Jeongin called to him as soon as Chan was out of the shower. He was sitting on the couch, phone in hand.

               “Hm?” Chan asked; he really wanted to get into his room and get further away from the day that had changed his life for the worse.

               “Good night”, Jeongin said, smiling. Smiling so warmly.

               “G’night”, Chan answered, smiling back. And then something came over him, those damn thoughts again, and maybe knowing a little more would make his life easier again. “Jeongin, can I ask you something?”

               “Yeah, what’s the matter?” Jeongin asked, setting his phone on the couch. Chan almost regretted it then, thinking of something absurd to ask instead, but in the end he did ask:

               “Do you think you’re asexual?”

               Jeongin looked surprised. Chan felt so bad for being intrusive, was about to tell Jeongin he, of course, didn’t need to answer, when he felt Jeongin’s eyes lowering, from his face down to his chest, lower, then up.

               “No, no, I’m not,” he answered, and sucked his lower lip in for a moment. “Why are you asking?”

               “Oh, nothing, just-”

               “Are you really still thinking about last night?” Jeongin asked, and he looked equally bothered and amused when Chan started to gap, a hand going to scratch his neck.

               “Sorry, sorry. Just wanted to tell you I’m here if you need to talk about it!"

               “About being a virgin?”

               “No!” Chan flapped forward, his hands moving like crazy; all that movement made his towel lose. Thankfully, his reflexes were keen enough to get it before anything was revealed, and even though now his ass was on the air, Jeongin couldn’t see anything still, so his dignity (or whatever) was still intact. “About, I meant-” Chan made a gesture with his face to ask for Jeongin to turn his head so he could get his towel on again, Jeongin looked down his body again, long enough to make Chan’s already dark blush start to get down over his neck and chest, finally, Jeongin looked away, and Chan got his towel on again; he must have imagined the way Jeongin stole a sideways glance to him. “I meant that if you were asexual, you could talk to me about it. Like-”

               Jeongin was still looking amused at him, but Chan was being serious now. He walked and sat on the couch next to him, making sure not to flash anything. Jeongin stopped smiling then, looked down at Chan’s chest as Chan seated down and turned to him, showing all that skin to Jeongin.

               “The rest have talked to me before, all of them, and I think that was good for them. And I’m here for you too,” Chan said, clapping his hand on Jeongin’s leg. “If there’s anything that you feel you need to talk about. I promise it gets easier when you share it.”

               “All of them talked to you?” Jeongin asked, his eyes locked into Chan’s; he looked serious, too.

               “Yeah, for one thing or the other; we all have a lot of pressure, and it’s difficult to talk about love and sex usually, anyway,” Chan said, and clapped his hand again, it made Jeongin look down at the hand, then back up. “And I realised yesterday-” Jeongin’s hand falling on top of his made him stop his speech for a second. “-that I have never told you about ‘the ways’” he ended.

               Jeongin looked confused. He didn’t take his hand away, but he looked like Chan’s sentence hadn’t gone to where it was supposed to go.

               “The ways?” he repeated and looked almost frustrated when Chan smiled at him, taking his hand from under his.

               “The three easy ways to get laid as an idol without getting in trouble.” Chan smiled, but Jeongin’s reaction was far from what he had expected. He looked angry, like Chan had just hit on his girlfriend, kind of angry. “What’s wrong?”

               “I don’t care about that,” Jeongin answered. He turned away from Chan, looking straight ahead.

               Chan wasn’t sure where he had gone wrong. He looked down at his towel just to make sure that he hadn’t gotten a boner just by being close to Jeongin without him even realising.

               “I thought you weren’t asexual?”

               “Neither am I a slut” Jeongin answered sharply and got up. Chan caught his wrist quickly.

               “I wasn’t saying that.”

               “I’m not going to fuck someone on the toilets at a gala,”, he spat out.

               Chan got red again at hearing the words that came out of Jeongin’s mouth. He had to get himself under control. Fuck.

               “I wasn’t suggesting that either, Jeongin. But sorry.”

               “Yeah. I’m going to bed now. Good night.” 

               Chan was left there, in shock, for a couple of minutes before he went to his own room to put on some pyjamas and avoid sleep for as long as he could. When he got his pants on, he sat at the bed, drying his hair. He wasn’t sure what had offended Jeongin and why it had done so that hard. He stood up, determined to apologise to Jeongin again and settle the little misunderstanding as soon as possible; the last thing he needed was more Jeongin-related problems.

               He was about to knock on his bedroom door when he heard quiet grunting. It stopped him in his tracks. That couldn’t be happening, right?

               He came closer to the door, just to make sure that Jeongin wasn’t doing…, that.

               Jeongin was clearly jerking off. He could hear his low grunts and moans. So he should move, get back to his room. But he couldn’t move. It was a distant sound, and he was sure he was imagining part of it, was sure he wasn’t really hearing Jeongin’s hand moving, wet sounds as it moved quickly, almost too quickly, like he wanted everything to end as soon as possible; and Chan was sure he would touch Jeongin so much better than he was doing. He heard a higher moan, then Jeongin’s slap, probably against his own mouth, and a quieter, muffled, lower moan.

               He almost fell down with how quickly he bolted out of there and back into his own room. Of course, he was hard, harder than ever if he was sincere with himself. He didn’t even think before getting his hand on his pants, right there against his own door.

               He didn’t even try to imagine other thing that wasn’t Jeongin sprawled on his bed, touching himself. He imagined that Jeongin was thinking about him, getting himself off to the image of Chan’s chest in front of him moments before. Imagined him moaning his name loud enough for Chan to have heard, enough to make him move and get into the room and take him right there, pleads in his mouth, falling over his body like honey and milk, the way Jeongin would open under him.

               Chan let out a louder-than-expected moan. He bit his own hand after that, like he usually did, came all over his hand, dirtying his pants; he let himself sink against the door, took his hand out, looked at his own release, a shiver ran through him as he imagined Jeongin licking it.

               He heard the bathroom door closing and he waited for fifteen minutes to go out there himself. He didn’t hear the shower turning on or the door closing again, so he was pretty sure Jeongin had gone to the bathroom while he had been jerking off, and what he had heard was Jeongin getting out of the bathroom and not getting in.

               Of course, his fucking luck wasn’t with him. So Jeongin did indeed get out of the bathroom then and crossed paths with Chan, but Jeongin didn’t look at him, and Chan was sure that he hadn’t noticed how weird it was that he had a hand in his pocket and that his sweats had a very obvious wet spot.

               It wasn’t till next day that Chan could finally talk to Jeongin about their little disagreement. It was after dance practice, both were spent, they were waiting outside for the others; Chan was going out with Felix and Changbin, and Jeongin was waiting for Seungmin.

               “I overreacted yesterday,” Jeongin said. “Sorry, I know you just wanted to get me laid.”

               “I overstepped,” Chan said. And chastised himself for thinking just how much he wanted to get Jeongin laid.

               “Nah, that’s not true. I should have just told you in a better way that I’m not interested in having a fuck with no feelings attached.”

               There it was that word again.

               “Wow!” It was Felix. “Our baby bread sure is a man now,” he said, and hugged Jeongin close. “I’ll give you feelings, Innie.”

               “The hell are you saying, Lix?” Jeongin protested and pushed him away.

               Felix just laughed, even more so when he saw that both Chan and Jeongin were blushing.

               “I’m sorry, was it an important conversation? I can come back later. I have never been here,” he said, and moved his arms in little waves, trying to act like he was a ghost.

               “No, don’t worry, Felix. Why is Changbin taking so long?”

               “I don’t know, Hyunjin was bothering him.”

               Chan rolled his eyes.

               “It’s everything okay then, Jeongin?” Chan asked, Jeongin nodded and gave him a thumbs up. “Alright, then let’s get going, and I’ll send Changbin a text so he knows where to join us.”

               They waved Jeongin goodbye and were on their way to the car.

               “Hey, what’s up with Jeongin?”

               Wouldn’t Chan want to know?

               “What do you mean?”

               “He looked kind of scary today.”

               “Scary?”

               “When I came into the room. Yesterday too.”

               “I don’t know, Minho-level of scary?”

               “No, god, no.”

               “It’s probably nothing, do you want me to talk to him?”

               “No, don’t worry, Channie, I will.”

               The outing went perfectly. Changbin finally joined them half an hour later and wouldn’t explain why he took so long, but Chan could imagine. They ended up going back home quite late.

               Chan didn’t expect to find Jeongin asleep on the couch. He smiled warmly and went to wake him up and get him to his bed.

               “Innie,” he whispered, and brushed his arm. Jeongin shivered; he was probably cold. “Innie, you’re sleeping on the couch, let’s go to your bed.”

               “Carry me.”

               Chan laughed. “You’re too big now for me to do that.”

               “I’m not,” Jeongin mumbled, and moved to lie in a more carry-able way. Chan laughed again, but took Jeongin in his arms anyway. Jeongin smiled when he felt Chan lifting him up.

               Jeongin was right, he was perfectly capable of carrying him still, but nowadays he was sure Jeongin was also capable of carrying him.

               He let Jeongin down on his bed.

               “Alright, good night, Jeongin.”

               “Why were you out for so long?”

               “Were you waiting for me?” Jeongin nodded; the sincerity made Chan wonder if Jeongin was sleepy enough to answer everything he asked. He didn’t ask anything. “I was having fun with Changbin and Felix.”

               “You always have fun with them.”

               “Yeah,” Chan replied, not knowing that Jeoning wasn’t happy about the fact.

               “You can have fun with me too,” Jeoning replied, and caught Chan’s arm, pulling him closer.

               “I have fun with you, too,” Chan replied, keeping himself from falling on top of Jeongin.

               “Okay.” Jeongin tugged on his arm again. Chan wasn’t sure why he kept pulling on him, if he was requesting something. “Good night kiss?” Jeongin finally asked, and Chan’s world crashed down for the second time that week.

               “What? You have never asked for that before.”

               Jeongin shrugged and let go of his arm. “It’s okay if you don’t want to,,” he answered, and turned to the other side. Chan wasn’t sure what was making Jeongin act like such a spoiled little brat, but it made him smile. He felt his chest expand as he lowered himself to give a quick peck to Jeongin’s cheek. Jeongin smiled but didn’t open his eyes.

               “Good night, Innie,” Chan said, and stood up. Jeongin only hummed as a response.

               Chan couldn’t stop clutching his chest for the rest of the night.

               For a whole day, there were no incidents. Then, the next day he was the one to find Jeongin walking out of the shower. And that was weird. Not that it had never happened before. But Jeongin usually did take his clothes with him to shower. And, God, did Jeongin look good nowadays, so buffed.

               “Are you doing anything later?” Jeongin asked, resting against the closed door to the bathroom.

               “Do you have anything on mind?” Chan asked, and let his eyes roam Jeongin’s body, he could make a gym-bro excuse for it if Jeongin asked. But Jeongin didn’t ask; in fact, he stretched under Chan’s gaze, making himself appear longer, larger. Chan, finally, moved his eyes back to Jeongin’s face.

               “Do you want to hit the gym?”

               “Oh, thought you were talking about something more interesting,” Chan answered, and didn’t really realise how that sounded till Jeongin asked:

               “More interesting? What do you mean?” Jeongin moved from the door, then came a little closer, nothing crazy, not like he was getting on Chan’s space, he wasn’t by a long shot, Chan wished he was.

               “I don’t know, have some drinks or something.”

               “We can do both.”

               “I’m too old for that.”

               “You really aren’t, Chan,” Jeongin answered quickly. Chan raised both eyebrows and was faced with the same reaction from Jeongin, so that was how testing your own medicine felt like? He felt like melting under Jeongin’s gaze. He finally hummed in agreement. “Nice, let’s hit the gym soon this afternoon then.”

               “I can tell the others to come too,” Chan said, thinking about what everyone had told him they were going to do that day; all of them would be pretty free. Changbin had even told him he was going to be bored. “Tell them about the drinks.”

               “No,” Jeongin answered before he caught himself. Chan looked at him, confused, but Jeongin thought that, having already said it, he might try to stick to it. “I don’t think they’d want to come.”

               “I’m sure Fel-”

               “Whatever,” Jeongin cut him. And turned to his room. It made Chan feel deeply sad, having annoyed Jeongin.

               It also made him realise something. It was that moment in every cliché-film where one of the protagonists says ‘Oh’. That ‘Oh’ meant they had finally realised what they had been looking for had always been right in front of their eyes.

               For Chan, it felt like a rock to his heart. He couldn’t accept it. He didn’t want to accept it. So he tried to bury that ‘oh’ deep inside him, change that little monosyllable into a ‘no’, much easier to control. Chan supposed he should really talk to Minho after noticing, feeling, realising that his little ‘temporally obsession’ was something very different.

               “I won’t,” Chan called, and Jeongin turned.

               Jeongin felt awful. Had he really manipulated Chan into not calling his friends, their friends, to a night out?

               “I’m sorry, Chan. I don’t know what’s happening with me these days. You can call everyone, of course.”

               Chan didn’t need Jeongin’s words to notice that he wasn’t feeling alright, but they propelled him into movement. He came closer, took him in between his arms, Jeongin didn’t fight it.

               “Hey, what’s going on, Jeongin?”

               “I don’t know,” Jeongin answered, and Chan squeezed him tighter. “I don’t know why I feel like this.”

               “Like what?”

               “Like…” Jeongin pushed Chan slightly, needing some air. “Follow me to my room?” Chan wasn’t sure why Jeongin wanted that, but he nodded, used to not questioning his members when they asked something out of him. Chan sat at his bed, and Jeongin made him look away as he got some clothes on. He sat next to him, Chan put a hand on his leg, and Jeongin took it between his. “It’s stupid.”

               “Nothing we feel is stupid, Jeongin.”

               “Are you sure you shouldn’t have gone into psychology?” Jeongin mocked and once again felt terrible, even when Chan laughed. “Sorry. See! I don’t know what’s going on with me. I don’t want to be mean to you!”

               “You’re not mean to me.”

               “I’m doing very mean things,” Jeongin whispered, more to himself than Chan, so Chan didn’t say anything. “I’m scared, I think.” Jeongin looked at him. Chan nodded slightly, giving him the space he needed to talk. “I know it’s… not logical, to think like this, but… lately, I don’t know, I feel like they are going to steal you away.”

               Chan waited for Jeongin to elaborate, but Jeongin was already feeling like the embarrassment was going to kill him, so he didn’t.

               “Who is stealing me away?”

               “The rest,” Jeongin said. And Chan understood a little. Jisung had once told him something similar, way earlier, when he was a little shit but still very much attached to his hip as he was the first one next to him; so, Chan understood, he himself had felt the same way sometimes towards them.

               “They would never want to do that,” Chan answered, because it was true. Not even Minho had ever tried to ‘steal’ Jisung away from the rest. No one’s heart would feel okay with that.

               “I know. But I still feel like they will.”

               Chan squeezed his hand. “Let’s go out together, we two, alright? It’s okay to feel like that sometimes, let me reassure you.”

               Jeongin could cry right then. How was Chan so good towards him? Towards all of them? He nodded, and felt Chan move closer, he let him hug him again, he sniffled his tears up, still feeling a little bit stupid.

               For the rest of the day, Chan couldn’t stop thinking about Jeongin, once again. He couldn’t stop thinking if the jealousy Jeongin had been feeling was like the one Jisung had felt back then, or if he… if that feeling was somewhat different.

               His train of thought was only interrupted at the gym. How could it not be when Jeongin was looking so hot? Pushing and lifting weights and grunting and, God, he really could lift Chan if he wanted, hm?

               And then, from time to time, he would catch Jeongin looking at him, over the mirror or directly at his body, licking his lips. And Chan had to think it was to look at his form because otherwise he was going to go mad.

               He didn’t feel proud of the way he had to get out of the shower stall just to be able to walk out of there without a boner. He was even less proud when he realised Jeongin was showering in the next stall over.

               They made it home without Chan exploding from embarrassment and he counted that as a small victory nowadays.

               Getting ready was weird. Weird because he couldn’t stop thinking of going out with Jeongin as going out on a date. He had chosen three different outfits and scraped all of them to start over, had even taken another shower just to make sure he did smell good.

               He was coming out of the shower when his phone rang; it was Jisung.

               “Hey, Jisung. Anything up?”

               “I was just bored. Minho isn’t home.”

               “Nice, do me a favor; can you videocall?”

               Jisung hummed and pressed the buttons to change to a video call. When the video turned on, Jisung screamed and let his phone fall.

               “Hyung! Warn a boy!”

               “What?”

               “I turn the video on, the first thing I see is your wet chest, the hell did you want to video-call for? A porno?”

               Chan couldn’t stop himself for laughing, when he went out of the bathroom, still laughing at Jisung fake outrage, he saw Jeongin looking at him from the couch, he was still in his everyday clothes, Chan was too distracted thinking if he should take that night less seriously for him to notice the little glances Jeongin couldn’t stop giving him as Chan passed him by.

               “Alright,” Chan said, walking into the room. “Help me choose an outfit for tonight.”

               “Are you going out tonight?” Chan hummed. “Without me?”

               “I have an independent life, Sunggie.”

               “If you say so…” Jisung mumbled. “Okay, let me dress you up. Are you going on a date, hyung?”

               “No. No, I don’t think so,” he answered very quickly.

               “So why are you so worried about the outfit? Oh…” Jisung let out a little laugh that did nothing to cover his evil intentions. “You wish it were a date, I understand.”

               Jisung, even with all the teasing, did help him out, in the way that having another person telling you something looks good does help. He ended up choosing some not-too-tight jeans and a black shirt that was definitely too tight. They had a little fight over how much skin he should be showing. At the end, the shirt would stay with only two buttons open, and, if the night was going alright, Chan would carefully open the next two. Not that the shirt left a lot to the imagination with the way it clung to his chest and arms.

               “Do I look like a bouncer?” Chan was asking Jisung, still looking at the mirror and flexing.

               Before Jisung could answer, Jeongin knocked and opened the door slowly.

               “Are you ready, hyung? It’s almost time to go.”

               “Yeah, Innie. Let me just go to the toilet quickly.”

               Jeongin smiled, noticed Jisung with his mouth open on Chan’s phone, he waved at him and closed the door after himself.

               “Are you going out with Jeongin?” Jisung asked once he was out. Chan nodded, coming to the side table the phone was resting on, prone on a phone holder, to say his goodbyes to Jisung. “Chan?”

               “What?”

               “Are you going on a date with Jeongin?”

               “I told you already, it’s not a date.”

               “But you wish it was!” Jisung protested.

               “Bye, Jisung,” Chan said, and hung up the phone. He knew that wasn’t the last he was going to hear about it.

               They ride to the karaoke where they had booked a room for just the two of them; on the ride, Jeongin’s hand stayed on himself. Chan couldn’t stop thinking about Jeongin’s outfit. He had thought, at seeing him sitting on the couch earlier, that he wouldn’t put on anything special, but Jeongin looked devastating.

               He hadn’t only chosen wonderfully tight leather pants that made him look ravishing, but a velvety shirt he was wearing already half open. On top of everything, Jeongin had put on make-up, his eyes slightly smoky, impossible not to fixate on them, he had traced his waterline on black. 

               It made Chan feel less stupid with the way he had put all his effort into looking ‘casually good’ for their not-a-date; he himself had also put on a smoky eye and had accessorised. But he couldn’t care less about his own image, not with the way Jeongin was looking, he couldn’t care less about anything else.

               They got into the karaoke room without any inconvenience. Soon, a list of songs was chosen, and the beer started to flow. Chan was happily harmonising with each song Jeongin had chosen, they were having a blast, drinking, dancing and singing, and Jeongin looked like a rock star, like he was having the fun of his life, like, sometimes, being they two only, was more than enough.

               It was way later, more than two hours down the road, when Chan let himself fall to the couch. Jeongin did the same, passing the mic to Chan.

               “I’m going to get some water.”

               “Is the beer getting to your head?” Chan asked, slightly tapping on his forehead with two fingers. Jeongin made an attempt to bat his hand away, but only succeeded in hitting his own nose. Chan hummed a sad whine and laughed.

               “Don’t laugh, I’m not drunk, I’m just clumsy.”

               “Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, Innie,” Chan answered. He couldn’t keep his eyes apart from Jeongin’s, and for a moment, Jeongin didn’t move at all; then he moved closer, and Chan started to sweat.

               “I’m going to get a water bottle,” Jeongin said in a low whisper and moved back away.

               What had that been? Chan had to be drunker than he had thought. He waited patiently for Jeongin’s return, not even trying to sing the next song that came on. He looked out the little round window on the door from the couch, still nothing.

               He got up, and pocking his head out the door, he saw Jeongin talking to a girl next to the vending machine.

               Oh, fucking fantastic, a little reality check, amazing. He went back in, sat on the couch, stood up, sat again, put his hands between his legs and laughed. Yeah, Chan, take a fucking hint, whatever you think you were seeing on Jeongin was, of course, just leader adoration and a good friendship; stop fucking masturbating to your friends, you fucking freak!

               “Hey,” Jeongin said, coming into the room. “What’s so funny?”

               “You took so long, were you talking to a fan?” Chan asked back, trying to sound not jealous like he was.

               “No, someone I know.”

               “Ah, great,” Chan said, and stood up. “It’s late, I should go.”

               “What?” Jeongin looked even amused. “We’ve only been here for two hours; I can order another round.”

               “Yeah, you can share with that girl,” Chan said, smiling. He stood up, passed Jeongin, but he took his wrist. Chan realised his little attempt not to sound jealous had gone down the drain with his first sentence. He tried to sound calm again. “It’s alright, you can talk with whoever you want, I’ll be on my way.”

               “But it was a ‘we-two-only’ kind of outing.” Jeongin tugged on his wrist, made him turn around. “I was only talking to her.”

               “Like I said, you can talk to whoever you want. I’m going home.”

               “You’re being mean now.”

               “Well, Jeongin, sometimes I get a little mean too, you know?”

               “You’re jealous,” Jeongin said then, and smirked. Chan felt all the anger boil inside of him, and was about to say something he was going to regret later, when Jeongin tugged on his wrist again, this time with real strength, making him lose his balance a little. When he was ready to just push Jeongin and get out of the room, he found himself under Jeongin’s lips.

               Jeongin was kissing him. Well, he was still against his lips, but their lips were touching without any doubt. Chan opened his mouth just to say something to Jeongin, but it made Jeongin deepen the kiss, and Chan shut up. It changed from an impulse to Jeongin really kissing him.

               Jeongin moved both hands to Chan’s neck, tilted his head, pressed, more secure on what he was doing, slotting their lips together. Chan moved with him, his hands on Jeongin’s waist, bringing him closer. He traced his lower lip with his tongue, opened his mouth slightly, got surprised when he felt Jeongin’s tongue on his mouth.

               Chan moved them onto the couch, sitting next to Jeongin. He pushed forward just a little. Jeongin regarded that with a low hum, then he pushed Chan back, making him lie down on the couch, and got a leg in between Chan’s, the other on the floor.

               He kissed Chan silly; the way he could move his tongue, following Chan’s rhythm like no one before, the light nibbling on his lip, a warning that Jeongin could bite; the way he started to move against Chan, pressing his leg in between his legs, making Chan moan on his mouth.

               “Chan,” he whispered against his lips, and Chan could only vibrate in response. He found Jeongin’s shirt had come untucked with their movement, got his hands under it, a shiver running through Jeongin at feeling Chan’s hands on his skin. Chan didn’t move them further up, happy with just a glimpse of Jeongin. But Jeongin wasn’t content with the way Chan’s shirt hadn’t budged at all; he unbuttoned those buttons that Chan had promised to Jisung he would open.

               Got his hand on the span of skin he had discovered, let his fingers venture into Chan’s open shirt, graze over a nipple, making Chan bolt, he smirked again. Chan saw it, and something ignited in him. He moved one of his hands to Jeongin’s neck, bending him again so he could kiss his lips quickly, before moving down to his neck as he pulled him, with his other hand, so he could grind against his leg again. Jeongin moaned. He moaned when Chan’s lips grazed a sensitive spot. Chan could feel him hard against his leg.

               He left open-mouthed kisses all along his neck, his other hand still moving his hips so they were grinding against each other. Jeongin had lost his smirk, his mouth forming a pretty little circle. Chan kissed his way down that open neckline. Incorporate enough to be sitting straight, his face to Jeongin’s chest, he moved his hand from his neck to open down the rest of Jeongin’s buttons, but he didn’t take off the shirt, he kissed his way to Jeongin’s chest, took a nipple on his mouth and heard his name again, he looked up, Jeongin made eye contact with him, slowly patting, grinding his hips.

               “I,” Jeongin started, but couldn’t finish. “Please,” he pleaded then. Chan didn’t pay the words attention till Jeongin moved a hand to Chan’s hair and tugged on it, making him look upwards. Chan was gaping, looking at him, an insufferable smile on his lips now. “Chan.”

               “What do you want, baby?” Chan asked, Jeongin trembled.

               “Touch me, please.”

               “You’re so polite,” Chan teased, and kissed the centre of Jeongin’s chest. “I can’t do that here.”

               “Let’s go home then,” Jeongin said, and started to grind his hips again, now with much more intent.

               “No, can do that either,” Chan answered. He fought against the hand tugging on him, but Jeongin didn’t let him go, making his head bounce back. Chan rewarded that without knowing with the gasp he let out. “I bet you can come like this, can’t you?”

               “I don’t know,” Jeongin answered, and let go of Chan’s hair. Chan smiled and kissed his chest again, moving upwards, rolling his hips with Jeongin’s rhythm.

               “Let’s try then.”

               Jeongin swallowed. Chan lay back down, Jeongin following him instantly, straddling him. Chan got both his hands on his ass, moving him against himself as he kissed his mouth again. Moving a hand up his back, to his neck, pushing his head to the side to bite at his neck, making sure not to do it strongly enough to leave a mark there. Jeongin squirmed and started to move more arrhythmically.

               “Are you close, baby?” Chan asked, and Jeongin nodded.

               He could feel the moment Jeongin came because his body tensed completely. He himself was close, so close. But he stopped moving when Jeongin did. He caressed Jeongin’s head while he came back to his senses. Jeongin looked at him for a few seconds, got redder than all the excitement before had gotten him.

               “Can we go home now?” he asked, looking away.

               ‘Like a blushing virgin,’ Chan thought, and it hit him like a truck. Jeongin was a blushing virgin, wasn’t he?

               He buttoned up Jeongin’s shirt, his own too, and covered himself with his purse as they got out of the karaoke room. Jeongin’s friend was nowhere to be seen, so Jeongin wasn’t as embarrassed when he got out and into the car with Chan. But he couldn’t stop looking at the very visible bulge on Chan’s crotch, the pants doing nothing to cover the obvious boner.

               When they got home, Chan closed the door and, when he turned around, he found Jeongin standing still, looking at him. Jeongin was debating what to do next when Chan came to him, messed with his hair and said, “Good night, Innie.”

               But Chan was still hard, Jeongin could see it. And Jeongin really wanted to touch him. In his mind, he would catch Chan’s wrist, as he had done at the karaoke room, turn him around and kiss him, slap that big ass of his, and make him walk backwards into his room, fuck him all night long till they both were raw.

               In reality, he let Chan pass by him and get into his room; he heard the bolting of the door.

               Next morning, Chan woke up extremely early. His mind a mess, his dreams had been filled with Jeongin; with him losing it and just taking Jeongin against the house door; with himself bended over the couch and letting Jeongin fuck him for his first time; with them going out for ice-cream; sucking Jeongin dry; confessing to him that he loved him.

               God, had he really made out with Jeongin on a fucking karaoke? Had he really made Jeongin cum on his pants, grinding against himself? He had. He really had.

               What did it mean? How was he going to look at Jeongin from now on? He was barely even able to do it before; now, he had really gone and done it. God, what if that had been one of his first? His first time dry humping someone?

               He unlocked his phone and sent a message to Minho.

BC: Are you up?

M: I am. But I don’t want to see your face. Way too early.

BC: I need to talk.

M: Did you fuck Jeongin yesterday?

BC: No

M: Did he fuck you?

BC: No one fucked no one.

M: Jisung owes me money then.

BC: Amazing, apart from betting on my life, can you help me?

M: Alright. Come over. But Jisung is awake too, prepare to suffer.

BC: Amazing.

               The house was calm; it was only around seven a.m., so it was no surprise that Jeongin was still asleep. In fact, it had been a surprise that Minho and Jisung were awake. Chan quickly changed and went to Minho and Jisung’s house.

               Jisung was quieter than usual, which was nice because Chan’s voices were talking loud enough. Minho was, at first, very mean, then very sympathetic. Chan took a little pushing for him to really get to the point, but when he did, he was really grateful for having those people in his life, pocking around enough for him to let it all out, even if it was really early.

               He ended up telling Minho absolutely everything. He knew he was saying things that maybe Jeongin didn’t want to be known, but he really needed to clear his thoughts, or he was going to jump out of the window.

               “So, you like him, and he likes you; what’s the problem?” Minho told him after Chan was done.

               “Well, I’m not sure he likes me.”

               “Don’t be an idiot,” Minho told him, and Chan got no response to that.

               “On top of that, I… I did all of that just because I got obsessed after knowing that.”

               “Seems like you just needed a little push to finally reveal to yourself that you got the hots for Jeongin,” Jisung pointed out. “It’s weird as fuck, but nothing too bad.”

               “Thanks, Jisung, that really makes me feel better,” Chan mocked.

               “Look, Chan, you’re a little fucked up on the head, but we all are, this life is like that.”

               “That’s the other thing…”

               “Come on, are you trying to bring up the fact that we are idols to me of all people?” Minho protested before Chan could say anything. “Look, Chan, seriously, it’s easy, it really comes down only to how you feel. Jeongin has been all riddled up since then too. I’m pretty sure he feels the same way.”

               “Has he?”

               “Didn’t you notice how he was looking at Felix when he was all over you during that dinner?”

               “I…, Jeongin mentioned something about it, yes.”

               “He told you he was jealous and you still doubt it?” Jisung pointed out again.

               “You told me you were jealous before!” Chan defended himself.

               “Not like that!” Jisung answered immediately, looking at Minho. “Not like that, and you know it,” he said again, seriously, to Chan.

               “Alright,” Chan whispered. He was still having a parallel conversation with himself, but he really tried to shove down the voices calling him a demon. “Should I go back home and talk to him?”

               “I think that’s very necessary, yes.”

               “Hey, and if everything goes wrong, you can always move rooms with Seungmin. I’m sure Felix would love being able to eat something that’s not burnt again.”

               “Jisung,” Minho warned him. Jisung made a zip-up gesture over his mouth. “Nothing is going to go that terribly wrong, Chan. And sooner or later, you were going to have to talk to him anyway.”

               Chan hummed, he got up, gave each a hug and got out the door at the same time he heard Jisung whining for whatever Minho was doing to him as a punishment for talking too much.

               He sure as hell didn’t expect to find Jeongin sitting at the table, looking at him like a mother waiting for his soon to come back from a party late at night, when he walked into the home.

               “What? You hit and run?” Jeongin said. Chan closed the door slowly. “Did what you did and disappear?”

               “I’m sorry, I just woke up early.”

               “Did you sleep for half an hour or what?” Jeongin asked, and Chan sat at the table.

               “More or less, yeah.”

               “So now what?”

               “I’m sorry… Was it your first time?” That made Jeongin blush, Chan's heart did a double beat, and, at the same time, he felt a void in his stomach. Was he terrified or happy for the answer? “I’m so sorry, Jeongin.”

               “I wanted it.”

               “Yeah? That’s… that’s really good, I was kind of a bitch yesterday.”

               “Well, we both were playing dirty.”

               “We were?”

               “I… I was talking to that girl for a long time, and actually, I was waiting for you to see it.”

               “Did you want me to get jealous?”

               “Come on, Chan,” Jeongin sighed, looking away, his blush deepening. “I’ve been dropping hints at you the whole week.”

               “Hints of what?” Chan asked, trying to look confused, but Jeongin caught his little smile.

               “I’m going to kill you,” Jeongin warned, lifting his fist. Chan put his hands in front of himself, laughing, and Jeongin stood up, but then he let his fist fall. He came closer to Chan, looked down at him. “I really want to do it with you.”

               At those words, the laughter drained from Chan’s body; he swallowed and moved his chair away from the table, facing Jeongin.

               “What about wanting feelings to be involved?” Chan asked, looking up.

               “Come on, Chan.” Jeongin brought his chair in front of Chan’s and sat down. “You’re so attentive, and fucking handsome, and I’ve seen you naked, you’re fucking ripped; I love that, you know that.”

               “That’s… thanks? That has nothing to do with feelings, though.”

               “Shut up, I’m still talking.” Chan shut up at that, his eyebrows raising. “Sorry,” Jeongin apologised. “I mean, I’m sure you’ll take such good care of me, and I’m very comfortable with you.”

               “I…”

               “It’s convenient.”

               Chan heart sank.

               “I see. But that’s still not having feelings, Jeongin.”

               “Chan, please, don’t make me say it yet…”

               Oh, oh, “Oh” Chan said. He understood, he nodded slowly. So Jeongin did feel something for him? Good, good. Good? It was terrifying, but it felt so nice to know he wasn’t the only one feeling something, whatever it was.

               “So, what do you want me to do?” Chan asked, taking one of Jeongin’s hands.

               “Are you going to make me ask for it?”

               “Yes, of course.” Chan came closer, took Jeongin’s chin in his hand, smiling at the way Jeongin reacted, surprised, but pushing forward. “But I’m going to do everything you tell me to do, Innie.”

               Jeongin was kissing him then. He wrapped his hands around the neck of his t-shirt, pulling Chan upwards till he was up too. He manoeuvred them towards his room, and he did hit the couch, and his own shoes that were lying on the floor, but he didn’t fall, thanks to Chan’s arms around him, so he counted that as a success.

               Chan pushed him against his bedroom door, squeezing his ass and moving both hands to his hips. He moved a leg between Jeongin’s. A groan broke their lips apart. Jeongin moved, desperate, to mouth at Chan’s neck, moving his hips against Chan’s leg, trying to get something out of it.

               “It was so great yesterday, Chan,” Jeongin said, and was relieved when Chan's hand moved from his hip to open the door behind them, tumbling them both over till Jeongin hit his own bed, sitting on it, Chan between his legs.

               “Yeah? Do you want to do the same?” Chan asked and looked down at his own body, bringing Jeongin’s eyes to him. He raised his eyebrows as he started to lift his t-shirt. Jeongin wasn’t sure if he was asking for consent or if he was being a show-off like he always was; anyway, he nodded. Chan’s t-shirt was discarded, and Jeongin got his hands over him in less than a second, question long forgotten till Chan tilted his head up with a couple of fingers. “Do you want to do the same that we did yesterday, Innie?”

               “I’m not on the mood for karaoke now, Chan” Jeongin teased back, it made Chan laugh, he laughed with him for a moment, but the way Chan’s abs were tensing with his laugh was really calling to him, he bended forward to kiss at them, looked up at Chan, Chan took in a deep breath, tightened them again and put a hand on Jeongin’s head, bringing him forwards. Jeongin started licking then, Chan let out a groan when he bit down slightly, so Jeongin did it again.

               “Don’t tease me too much, Jeongin,” Chan said.

               “Did you jerk off yesterday?” he asked as an answer. A shiver came all over Chan. Jeongin used that moment to move backwards on the bed. He pulled on Chan’s belt to move him forward, and he got on his knees on the bed. Jeongin opened his legs again, urging him forward.

               “Jeongin,” Chan whined, a deep blush starting to go down over his chest. Jeongin didn’t know Chan could loss his cool so easily, it was really sexy, seeing him whine.

               “Did you, Chan?” he asked again, got his hand back on him, wrapped them around so he could finally, finally, squeeze his ass, like he was trying to juice an orange, it made Chan move forwards, only his insane core strength keeping him from falling into Jeongin. Jeongin didn’t miss the opportunity to put his mouth on Chan’s chest, and Chan whined again.

               God, how could Chan sound like that? It was driving him insane. He felt so hard on his sweatpants that his dick was starting to hurt, twitching with each of Chan’s sounds, and there was nothing to grind into to relieve even a little bit of that pain.

               Chan moved both hands to his neck, tilted his head back, hovered over him with that look in his eyes, a promise or a threat. Jeongin didn’t care which it was as long as it involved Chan touching him.

               “Do you really want to know?” he asked, lowering closer to him; he brushed his lips against his, leaving him with an open mouth, tongue out, trying to catch his lips as he moved to his ear, kissing at Jeongin’s sensitive spot, making him tremble. Jeongin thought he was going to tell him, but suddenly Chan was quiet. “See, I’m also asking, Jeongin, won’t you answer?”

               “Chan, yes, please, I really want to know.”

               “I touched myself, of course,” Chan whispered, and he moved back to his neck, put a hand on Jeongin’s leg, moved so he would put his legs closer together, enough for him to change positions and straddle him. “Do you want to know what I did?”

               Jeongin swallowed, Chan lowered himself over him, and finally his aching cock was making contact with something, no, not something, but Chan’s ass; Chan didn’t wait for Jeongin’s answer to start moving in slow circles.

               “Yeah,” Jeongin managed to say. He moved his hands from Chan’s shoulders, down his chest, and lower to his waist and then his waistband. He let his fingers in, slowly, as if he could get burnt.

               “I got my pants down as soon as I was in my room,” Chan started, and put his own hands on his waistband, looking at Jeongin as he lowered his pants as much as he could. “I was so hard I was hurting. I was so wet I didn’t even need lube.” Chan tilted Jeongin’s chin up again, stopping him from staring at the bulge of his dick in his underwear, but Jeongin fought it, shook his head away and looked back down, letting his finger trace the shape of it. Chan hissed. “I thought of you.” Jeongin pressed firmer then, added his thumb, slowly going up and down the shape, smiling at the wet spot forming where the head was.

               “What was I doing?”

               “You were on your knees for me, Innie,” Chan said, and had to stop talking when Jeongin circled his head. “Have you ever sucked dick?” Jeongin shook his head, moved his hand again. “I thought so, I was very rough for a first timer, Innie, I’m sorry.”

               “Don’t go soft on me now. I’m sure you weren’t sorry to fantasy-Jeongin.”

               “God, I imagined your lips so stretched. You were touching yourself, and there were pretty tears down your face. You liked it so much.”

               “I’m sure I will,” Jeongin said, and it twisted Chan’s stomach because that was real Jeongin, touching him, his eyes glued to the shape of his dick, moving his hips in slow circles against his ass, and he was so hard, wanting under him, telling him he will suck his dick and like it.

               “Do you want to fuck me, Innie?” Jeongin’s dick twitched, his hips jerked up. It made Chan laugh. Jeongin stopped moving. He looked up again, only distracted by the drops of sweat that had started to cover Chan’s chest.

               “Can I?” he asked, in a whisper, in a cute tone, like he was asking for a cookie. “God, Chan,” he added before Chan could answer. He took Chan’s hips and moved up again, this time with more intention. “Can I, please, Chan?”

               Chan hummed. It had been a very long time since Chan had done it with someone so eager, Jeongin all but threw him out of his lap, making him fall backwards, his head out of the bed; Jeongin noticed and he took both of his legs and pulled on him forwards, it made Chan’s underwear riddle up in an awkward manner, and the sheets were pulled; but nothing mattered when Jeongin was over him again, kissing at his chest, mouthing at his nipples, his hand back at his waistband, pulling it down and, finally, getting Chan out of his briefs.

               “You’re still fully dressed.”

               “I was preoccupied with getting you undressed.”

               “I also want to see you.”

               “Really?”

               The question made Chan furrow his eyebrows. He knew Jeongin wasn’t the most confident person, but he didn’t know he would question something like that, question the burning desire in Chan’s heart.

               “Of course, Innie, I’m dying to see you.”

               “The gym is paying off.”

               “You have a fantastic body, yeah,” Chan said, getting his hand under Jeongin’s t-shirt, riddling it up till Jeongin took it off. “But with that face, you don’t need it,” Chan added, cupping Jeongin’s cheeks and making him bend down over him. He kissed his jaw on the other cheek, his chin and under it. “Have you ever looked at the mirror? You’re devastating.” He kissed the cheek he wasn’t cupping. “You look like a fantasy. Out of all of mine, that’s for sure.”

               “Chan” Jeongin was now the one almost whining; he was terribly weak to compliments, and Chan knew it.

               “Let me praise you, Innie; till you really understand just how perfect you are.”

               Chan kissed his lips then, Jeongin slowly opened for him; he moved his hands to take off Jeongin’s pants, and Jeongin quickly discarded them. Being completely nude made him feel shy, so he moved to hide his face against Chan’s neck, letting his hand go down to him again. He left out a breath he didn’t know he was holding when he got his hand around Chan and found he was still as hard as ever.

               Chan wanted to let out a little laugh, because he had caught up to Jeongin’s thoughts and found them stupid. Chan could come under Jeongin’s sole command, and he was worried that seeing his body would make him go soft.

               “God, Jeongin, you’re beautiful,” he said instead, and put a hand to his chest, slowly tracing his torso till he was also jerking off Jeongin; he found the friction to be too much and moved to spit at his own hand. Jeongin shivered, but didn’t comment. “Do you happen to have lube?” Chan asked in a whisper to Jeongin’s ear, and before he could answer, he batted away Jeongin’s hand, taking both of them together. Jeongin moaned so high; Chan started a slow rhythm and was surprised when, after some time, Jeongin did answer his question.

               “Under the bed.”

               Chan didn’t want to move to get the lube. But if the premise of Jeongin fucking him was still on the table, he really wanted that to happen. Still, maybe Jeongin had changed his mind, so he asked:

               “Do you still want to fuck me?”

               Jeongin scrambled so fast out of Chan’s reach that Chan was scared he was going to just run for his life and out of the building, but, instead, he just lay with half his body out of the bed to reach blindly under it. Chan couldn’t resist slapping his perky butt; it made Jeongin let out a little yelp.

               He came back from the position with a plastic bag with only lube and a pack of condoms in it.

               “Were you planning on fucking someone?” Chan asked when Jeongin shoved the bag on his chest, before getting between his legs.

               Jeongin got impossible red, whispered something Chan couldn’t catch. Chan didn’t want to get jealous over Jeongin’s answer, so he wasn’t about to ask him to repeat what he had said, but then Jeongin crawled over him, and a new confidence was found.

               It looked like Jeongin was fighting a fight inside of him, half of him still shy, half of him so ready to be the voice in charge. Chan smiled just thinking about it. He dropped the smile when he felt Jeongin’s lips on his ear, the warmth making his forgotten dick twitch.

               “I said, I bought it because I wanted you to fuck me.” Chan combusted; he knew he ought to look stupid, with the way he felt his mouth gapping and his eyes couldn’t focus. “Maybe we can do that too, later?”

               “Are… Yeah. Yeah, sure. Are you… Are you sure?”

               Jeongin nodded. He took Chan’s hand and guided it so he was jerking them off together again.

               “Can I finger you?”

               “God, Jeongin, you have to stop talking like that if you want me to last.”

               “Can you come two times?” Jeongin asked and bit at his neck, making Chan moan deeply. “I’m sure you can. We can try.”

               God, where the hell had Jeongin learnt to talk like that? Maybe he was spying on Hyunjin behind everyone’s backs. Either way, Jeongin got his hand around them too, started to move with Chan, and after a couple of minutes, he took the bag from Chan’s chest and put it aside, let himself fall flat against his chest as he fished the lube bottle out of the bag.

               “Channie, can I?” he asked again. Chan’s short chain of ‘yeah’s was the perfect answer. “I don’t know how.”

               “I’ll guide you.”

               Jeongin wasn’t shy; not in the way that Chan was, to whom the sound the cap of the lube bottle made when Jeongin opened it was enough to make him look away from Jeongin’s silhouette on top of him.

               Jeongin got some on his fingers and warmed it before lowering himself between Chan’s legs; Chan opened his legs for him and pulled his cheeks apart, still looking away in embarrassment. The first touch of Jeongin against his rim made him look back at him.

               Jeongin circled him a couple of times before pressing lightly. “It’s sucking me in” he whispered, not noticing how it made Chan look away again, so embarrassed he felt like he was dying, but his dick was still completely filled against his thigh. Chan knew himself; it wasn’t surprising, a little embarrassment had always turned him on; still, feeling Jeongin’s other hand gripping at the hand that he was using to keep himself open, made him feel some sort of comfort, and he relaxed.

               He looked back at Jeongin, who was now a finger deep into him, slowly moving it, like that much could hurt Chan.

               “You told me you were going to guide me, Chan,” Jeongin protested in a small voice. “Yet, I’m doing it all alone. Look at me.”

               “I’m looking.”

               “Can you see how I’m opening you?”

               “Jeongin,” Chan warned, and he tensed under him. Jeongin felt it around his finger for a moment.

               “You’re so fucking hot, Chan” Jeongin moved his finger out, pushed back in with two of them. “I’m dying to be inside you, Chan. Fuck.”

               “Don’t-” Chan moaned. Jeongin was slowly scissoring his fingers. “Don’t say things like that. Deeper.”

               “I thought you liked my voice,” Jeongin teased back, and moved his fingers deeper, curving them and hitting right where Chan wanted.

               “Fuck, right there, yeah,” Chan said.

               “That’s all the guide I’m going to get, isn’t it?” Jeongin protested again. And Chan would love to see him being that talkative later, if what he said was true, and he would let him fuck him, when he was fingering him. When he was inside him.

               Fuck, Jeongin was inside him, was going to be inside him.

               Chan looked at his cock again. He had felt it last night, had seen it before, had felt it moments ago against his; it was long, it had a tilt to it, it looked mouthwatering and pink.

               “Fuck, Jeongin. Faster, give me three, stretch me quicker,” Chan heard himself saying. “I want your cock.”

               Jeongin let out a long ‘fuck’, took his fingers out, and with his other hand, he squeezed at the base of his dick. Got three fingers and some more lube into Chan; he had wanted to do it properly, making sure Chan would be correctly stretched, but Chan wasn’t being patient. He was moving his hips, meeting each of Jeongin’s thrusts, moaning his name, asking for more.

               “Fuck, Chan. You’re too much.”

               “Jeongin, touch me, please.”

               Jeongin did as he was told, started to jerk Chan with his free hand, came down to mouth at his chest, and Chan dissolved in disjointed sounds.

               “Should have done this sooner,” Jeongin muttered, face against one of Chan’s tits. If Chan’s short breaths were anything to go by, he agreed with him. “Chan, can I now?” Jeongin asked, grinding down on Chan’s leg.

               Chan nodded. Jeongin wanted to be mean, to make him answer as he had done before, but he couldn’t deny he was needy too, so fucking in need of being inside Chan. So instead, he kissed Chan again. Chan did guide him to put his legs up on his shoulders, bending himself forwards; Jeongin lubed up, and the touch alone made him shiver.

               “Fuck, I’m going to come soon.”

               Chan wanted to be mean, ask him if he could come two times, like he had asked him before. But he was also impatient, almost on the verge of coming, and wanted Jeongin inside so much.

               Jeongin ripped open the condom’s package and locked eyes with Chan’s. Chan should have known that what he was going to say next would be bold.

               “I’m a virgin.” Chan knew. He fucking knew. Hadn’t thought about anything else since he had known. Chan nodded as an answer. “Are you clean?”

               “Fuck, Jeongin.” Chan cradled a hand through his hair. “Are you asking to fuck raw on your fucking first time?”

               “Can I?”

               “Fuck,” Chan answered. Then he imagined the feel of Jeongin raw inside him; his cum on him, slipping out of his used hole. Being deeply marked by him. And his very interested dick jumped to the idea. “Yeah, yeah, alright. Fuck, you’re going to kill me.”

               “Don’t die yet, Channie; you have to fuck me later.”

               Chan couldn’t answer that for two very important reasons. The first being that any answer would involve him imagining that and coming instantly; the second being that he could feel Jeongin’s dick against his rim.

               “Fuck me, Jeongin,” he told him when he felt Jeongin’s doubt, looking up at him. Jeongin did, pushed in and bottomed out in a long thrust, making Chan roll his eyes back and cry out.

               “Fuck, Chan. You’re so thigh. Am I hurting you?” Jeongin asked almost breathless.

               It was cute, hearing the worry in his voice as he felt how Jeongin couldn’t even stay still, moving in short, shallow thrusts.

               “Yeah," Chan answered, and took Jeongin’s hands in his to bring him closer. “Don’t worry. Keep going. Fuck me deep, Innie.”

               Jeongin did. Started moving for real, thrusting deep; Chan moved his hips with him, finding an angle that nailed his prostate every single time; he knew he wouldn’t last long; not with the way Jeongin was giving his everything to him.

               When Jeongin said. “Chan, I’m going to fill you up so good. Fuck, you’re taking me so well.” Like he had anyone to compare Chan to, it was almost too much for him.

               Then Jeongin, having discovered how sensitive his nipples were, bent him almost completely to get one on his mouth as he fucked at a new angle that made Chan feel him on his stomach, no, probably on his throat.

               “Jeongin, touch me,” he pleaded. And when Jeongin did, he came all over them, hitting Jeongin’s chin with his cum, his orgasm so strong he was seeing white. He felt Jeongin’s last thrusts, arrhythmic and so hard they were making Chan grunt with each one.

               Then Jeongin came, burying himself deep into Chan, filling him to the brim.

               “So full,” Jeongin said, caressing Chan’s lower abdomen, letting go of Chan’s legs and slipping out of him with a small grunt from both of them, he came over to kiss Chan.

               Chan let him kiss him, but his eyes were already shutting down.

               “Are you going to sleep now?”

               “I didn’t sleep at all tonight; can’t I take a little nap?” Chan was feeling completely exhausted, exhausted enough to quiet all the voices in his head, even the ones shouting that everything was nasty, and he should get up, get a shower and change the sheets of Jeongin’s bed as quickly as possible.

               “Yeah, of course.” Jeongin's hand went to his cheek. Chan wasn’t used to Jeongin just touching him, not even after what they had just done. Chan wanted to think he would grow very used to it in the next months, if Jeongin let him.

               “Can you stay with me?” Chan whispered.

               Jeongin smiled, he kissed his cheek and lay beside him.

               “I have never wanted to do anything else but be with you.”