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When Dick turns ten he also turns two thousand. He remembers lifetimes and worlds beyond his current one, deaths that have taken over his existence. He remembers faces and names and voices and a group of people he always calls his family. He remembers a curse they never will.
The first time Dick looks at Bruce after turning ten he sees all the names and faces attached to it. He hears all the jokes, all the advice, all the parental cruelty he has ever received. And he has received quite a lot of that. He bursts into tears and when Burce asks what’s wrong he lies and says that he had a nightmare. It isn’t exactly a lie, if you think about it. His past lives could be considered nightmares to some.
He continues living this life, knowing all the ways he has failed, all the versions of his people he would never get back. At least I have Bruce, he thinks. At least a version is here. He doesn’t know when he’ll meet the rest of them. He never does. He knows at some point there will be many people whose faces he’s all seen before, yet not technically because he doesn’t know what they look like now.
When he’s sixteen he argues with Bruce. He doesn’t tell him about the past lives, about the fact that Dick can’t die, but it’s not like it would have mattered. This always happens, with Bruce. They’ll reconcile at some point, but not yet. Maybe Dick can speed it up this time. Maybe it will make a difference.
The difference between Dick and the rest of his family is that once they die, they’re dead. And once they’re all dead, the cycle restarts. For Dick, he continues living until they’re all gone. And once the cycle restarts, he remembers. He will never forget.
So when he looks at the news and sees a headline and picture below it, he remembers. He remembers the joyous boy who he looked at like a brother in every lifetime. And he knows that Bruce doesn’t remember, but seeing the two reunited stirs something in his core that he can’t describe.
It’s light-joy-family and it’s heavy-grief-gone wrapped into one. But it’s also something else, because in this lifetime, there is a second name that Dick has, and seeing his brother with that name brings a different type of grief. Grief for the nine-year-old boy who didn’t remember, who took that name from his parents to bring their killer to justice. And not for the first time, he is angry at Bruce’s stubbornness. Who knew such a thing could travel through lifetimes.
But he travels back to the Manor, gives Bruce a small piece of his mind, and says hello to his brother. He has pushed him away before. He will not do it in this life. He teaches his brother instead. Teaches him the small things, the kind things, the things that his brother needs to learn.
He teaches him the needless things too. They spend a night laying on top of a gargoyle while Dick points out the constellations as best as he can through the thick Gotham fog. Of all the worlds he has existed in, the sky is one thing that never changes. He isn’t sure if he can say the same about space, but only because this is the only lifetime that he’s gone to space in.
And then he’s on a space mission with the Titans, who are all also part of his memories, his family, and all he can think about are the different groups they’ve ever made up. He thinks about how many lives he’s kissed Wally in, and wonders if he’ll be able to do it in this one. Not yet, he doesn’t think, but maybe eventually.
When he gets back from space he doesn’t know there’s anything wrong at first. It isn’t until he checks the newspaper that he sees. Jason is dead. His brother is already dead. He barely got any time with him, and already he’s gone. And he won’t even get to say goodbye, he realizes, because Bruce has already held the funeral. He thinks back on what Bruce’s grief has done before, and it’s never anything good.
His own grief is too strong to do anything about it. He wallows, because his brother is gone. And it’s too soon, it has to be, but there’s nothing he can do about it now. There is nothing he is ever able to do.
Somebody knocks on his door and when he opens it there is a boy. The boy is saying something, but Dick isn’t listening because all he sees is his brother. His second brother is here and he’ll never get to meet the first. Dick slams the door in his face.
Eventually Dick puts a name to his brother’s face. The name is Tim, but it’s also Robin, because that’s a thing that’s happening now. The grief of a nine-year-old boy almost outweighs that of a two-thousand-year-old immortal who wants his family back. Almost, because nothing will outweigh Dick’s utter need for his family to be here.
Tim brings a girl to the Manor one day and the grief hits Dick again. Tim tells him how they met and he laughs because that sounds just like his sister. He hopes the sound of his tears is hidden well enough. Because this sister he couldn’t save, once. Not from death, but from herself. But now she’s here, and Dick has a chance to make sure that doesn’t happen again. And it won’t. Not while he’s here.
Tim is forced out of the Robin mantle for a little while and Steph takes his place. Dick loves his stubborn little sister, especially how she pushes Bruce around with ease. She’s always done that.
Then she dies and Dick is hit with the grief all over again. They’re both gone, and not even Cass’s appearance is enough to still the grief he is hit with. It makes it worse, even, because Cass is the closest to someone who could get it. She doesn’t remember, but she’s always known him well enough to know that there was something more to them than he let on.
But the grief is strong because Jason and Steph never got to meet, and they never will, and Cass will never know either of them like she did, and Dick just can’t believe how fast he’s losing his family.
And then the Red Hood shows up and something is nagging in Dick’s mind but he can’t place it, and Bruce pushes him away again which makes it worse and then Tim is attacked in Titans Tower. And then something happens with the Joker, but Bruce won’t say, and Dick is tired of secrets being kept from him.
It’s hypocritical, he knows, but at least he has his reasons. He can’t think of a single reason why Bruce wouldn’t tell him about Red Hood. And then he finds out, and he thinks he gets it. Because it’s his brother. Not a new one, but instead it’s Jason. And if Dick’s heart could stop long enough to permanently kill him, it would have. Because he doesn’t get what this means. His brother was dead.
And then Steph comes back and Dick assumes he’s going crazy. It wouldn’t be the first time. What is happening for the first time, is his siblings coming back. He comes back. His siblings have never figured it out, but he does. His siblings don’t though. In every single world, no matter what the magical capabilities are like, once his siblings die, they’re dead.
But Jason came back, and Steph came back, so something must be different. He doesn’t know what though. He doesn’t really want to test whether he still comes back or not, because this new development is making him less confident in his own abilities.
And then Dick forgets all about his worries, because standing in the doorway of the Manor is a little boy. His brother, in most lifetimes, but occasionally this was his son. And he has to leave the room to laugh and maybe cry a little because this boy is trying to kill Tim, and it’s so like him that Dick has to leave before he reveals everything.
And everything is fine for a month, then Bruce dies. Dick tries not to give himself hope. Just because Jason and Steph came back doesn’t mean Bruce will. But when Tim comes to him and claims that Bruce is alive, he can’t help himself. He indulges in Tim’s theory, even though he has to stay in Gotham and play Batman, but at least Tim knows he has Dick’s support.
Dick has been through this too many times to allow his brother to think he doesn’t believe in him.
Tim is right, and Bruce comes back, and Dick doesn’t know how to feel about it. On one hand, he’s so grateful because his family is all here. But on the other hand, he doesn’t know when this luck will run out. Because it has to be luck, because Dick is still cursed. Cursed to outlive them every time, then go through it again while they have no clue who he is.
So even though their relationship is still a little rocky, he goes to Jason. Because if he’s going to tell anyone, it’s going to be his first brother. He invites Jason over for dinner and is extremely nervous throughout the whole thing. Jason can tell, obviously, which Dick knows because he’s staring at him.
Eventually, Jason rolls his eyes and sets his fork down. “Spit it out, Dickhead,” he says. It sounds cautious. Dick isn’t sure how long it’s been since he’s heard Jason sound like that. Not in this lifetime, for sure.
Dick takes a deep breath. “Okay but if I do that it will literally be me blurting it out because otherwise I’m never gonna say it.” Jason motions for him to go on. Dick takes another breath. “Immortality. And reincarnation.” He closes his eyes. He can’t see Jason’s reaction to this.
It’s silent for a moment before Jason speaks. “Okay. So I’m assuming that’s not all you have to say because this sounds like a far bigger deal than just you can’t die.”
Dick huffs out a laugh, then another before he realizes it sounds wet. “I’m two thousand years old. Give or take a couple hundred but I like the even number.” He blinks back tears knowing this is the first time he’s ever said his actual age out loud.
“Fuck. Yeah, okay that’s a bigger deal than just you can’t die.” Dick doesn’t know why Jason isn’t making a bigger deal out of this, but he’s not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. He did that once; it didn’t go well. His expression must give something away because Jason tilts his head. “Is there more?”
He nods but he can’t make the words come out of his mouth. You die. He wants to say. You all die and once you’re gone you forget and it starts again but I remember. “I’m cursed.” Is what comes out of his mouth. Jason waits patiently. Dick’s mouth doesn’t open again.
“Alright, do you need me to guess?” Jason suggests. Dick nods even though he’s not sure what he’ll do if Jason gets it right. “Okay, so you said reincarnation, is that why your body isn’t old as shit?”
Dick lets out a startled laugh and nods. “It’s a cycle. Every time-” everyone dies, “it restarts in a new world, and a new body.” He takes a deep breath before saying what is probably the closest thing to the truth that will come out of his mouth. “I remember it all.”
Jason’s eyes widen at the implication Dick knows he catches. “That means someone doesn’t remember. Who?” Everyone he wants to say. He shakes his head. “Okay, a guessing game then. Someone you know?” He nods. “Multiple someones?” Everyone. He nods. Jason pauses. Dick can tell he’s got it. “Me?”
Dick leans against the counter and sobs. He sobs because now Jason knows how much of him Dick knows, how many lifetimes they have been brothers in, how long Dick has truly known him and Jason can’t remember any of it. “I’m cursed.” He whispers.
Jason lets him gather himself before speaking again. “There’s more, isn’t there?” Because his brother has never been one to beat around the bush. Dick nods. “Okay you said multiple people, Bruce?” He nods. “Tim?” A nod. “Damian?” A tear rolls down his face. He nods. “Shit, the whole fuckin’ family?” Dick sobs again.
“It’s worse,” he manages to get out, his voice hoarse. “It’s also-” he cuts himself off with another sob. He can’t bring himself to say it. So many years’ worth of grief.
“The League?” Dick shakes his head. “The Titans?” He gives a shaky nod. “Fuck, Dick.”
Dick gives a hoarse laugh. “The worst part is that’s not the curse.” He takes a deep breath. Jason won’t guess this part. He has to say it out loud. “The curse is that I don’t die. I have to go through each lifetime and wait until all of you are gone. It doesn’t matter how I try. I always come back, and I always remember.” He leaves the gap for Jason to fill. You never come back, and you never remember.
Jason’s finger twitches. “But I’m here now, right? I died, but I’m here?” He sounds like he’s trying to convince himself. Dick frowns. He didn’t mean to make Jason doubt.
“You’re here,” he reassures. “But I’m not sure how. And Steph is here, and Bruce is here but I don’t- I don’t know how.” Dick’s running theory is that he’s being tested. That the gods are hoping that he starts believing they’ll all live, or they’ll all remember, or that he won’t be alone anymore. And then it'll all be taken away from him again.
“Okay,” Jason says. He sounds like he’s about to cry. “Have you talked to a magic user about this?”
Dick shakes his head then tilts it down. “I’m scared to,” he admits in a hushed whisper. “If the solution ends up being I lose you all permanently- I can’t do that. I’d rather live through this for thousands of more years than never see you in any lifetime again.” You’re my family, I’d never leave you.
Jason takes a deep breath then lays his head down on the counter. “Fuck.” It comes out muffled and Dick’s lip twitches upward. “Okay, so we find a way to see what’s up without making you leave us. We can do that,” Dick knows it sounds like false cheer even to Jason’s own ears. He smiles anyway.
They don’t manage to talk to a magic user before Damian dies. And after that neither Jason nor Dick want to risk the slight chance he has of coming back by telling someone. So they decide to wait until they get true confirmation, although what that would look like, they don’t know.
They’re sitting in Jason’s apartment one night when he asks, “What different worlds were there?” Dick can hear the underlying question, what was I like in each world?
“I was a son of Poseidon in one world,” Dick tells him. He remembers Luke’s fate and regrets choosing this world.
“Like, the sea god?” Jason asks.
Dick nods. “I wasn’t a god though; my mom was mortal. I had some abilities tied to the ocean.”
“Do you still have them?” Dick tilts his head as he thinks about it.
“A little bit. I have to think about what world the powers came from and it takes a lot of energy because this body isn’t used to it.” As he’s explaining it he forces a small ball of water to form and concentrates as he dumps it on Jason’s head.
“Oh fuck off, you ass!” Jason laughs as he grabs a kitchen towel. “You do some cool shit in that world?”
Dick nods. “Saved the world and everything. Twice. It was- man this world was fucking rough.” Jason laughs with him even though he doesn’t entirely get it. “You- you were a son of Hermes,” he prays that Jason doesn’t hear his voice crack.
He hears it anyway. “I don’t have a good ending, huh?” Dick shakes his head.
“You had an idea, and- and were angry enough to do something bad about it. I agreed with your idea and completed it after you-” he still can’t bring himself to say it. That’s the one part they haven’t really talked about at all.
“Hey, at least it got there eventually,” Jason jokes, but it’s hollow. Dick nods anyway.
Then Dick is strapped to a bomb. He’s not worried about himself. He’s worried about Bruce who is standing in front of him. And Dick knows that Bruce didn’t actually die, really, but maybe that’s what makes it worse. Because he doesn’t know if this will be his second chance or not. So when Luthor kills him, he’s okay with it. Only because he knows he’ll come back, and Bruce will be safe.
Dick wakes up in the Cave. There’s nobody else but Bruce here, even though he knows that Jason knows he’s alive. Bruce tells him he needs to go undercover in Spyral. Dick tries his hardest to refuse but it’s a losing battle. Quite literally, even if he did win the fight. Bruce tells him everyone else still believes he’s dead and it needs to stay this way. Dick can only hope that Jason waits for actual proof.
He comes back after months and Damian is alive. Damian is alive and nobody else has died and Jason didn’t lose hope in him. It was a close thing, but he secretly contacted Constantine who was able to confirm that Dick was alive.
When Jason tells him about meeting with Constantine he pauses after explaining that he knew Dick was alive. “I didn’t tell him everything,” Jason says, “just ‘cause you know more than me, obviously, so I felt like you should tell ‘im, but from what he put together it sounds like this is the last cycle.” Dick’s breath catches in his throat. “You should talk to him yourself obviously but, y’know, that’s what it sounded like and it makes sense if you think about it- what are you-?”
Dick runs to his brother and wraps him in a large hug. He holds him so tightly he might be the reason Jason dies again. He loosens his grip after that thought. But he holds Jason close to him, reassuring them both that the other is here and they’re not going anywhere. Not in this lifetime.
After their long hug ends, Dick sighs. “That means we should probably tell the others, huh?”
Jason huffs out a laugh. “Oh, definitely. I’m not sure how I managed to keep my mouth shut with everyone tellin’ me it was just ‘cause of grief that I kept sayin’ you were alive. Best I told you so of my life.” Dick laughs and hugs his brother again.
Dick calls everyone to his apartment, when he decides it’s time. He can’t tell them this at the Manor, because he needs the environment to be his. Jason gets there early to stop Dick from freaking out all day.
“Steph and I were siblings once,” he says while laying down on the couch. Jason is sitting in the armchair across from him. “Like, biologically. We were the heirs of the Fire Nation.” He forces a small fireball to form in his hand. Jason watches it closely. “She got- power hungry. I was a bit of an ass, but I got better. But she-” Dick swallows. “I’m glad she’s not like that in this life.”
Jason nods but Dick knows he’s thinking about something else. “You have fire and water powers?” He asks, slightly incredulous. Dick can’t help but laugh loudly. “Come on, seriously! What other magical bullshit worlds did you live through?”
Dick grins and pulls out a knife. Jason tilts his head but doesn’t ask what he’s doing. Dick puts his hand around the blade and shifts the metal into a curve. Jason stares at it, unblinking. “That’s the only magic off the top of my head,” he says casually. “I was a deer hybrid in one world though.” He adds just to see Jason’s reaction.
Jason puts his elbows on his knees and points at him. “You’re telling me all about my bullshit in these worlds after this is over with.” Dick grins but then he sobers up.
It hits him then, that in less than an hour, they’ll all know. They’ll know how much he’s seen, but never all of it. But they’ll know and maybe that will be enough. Jason switches to sit on the couch with him while they wait out the remainder of the hour.
Once everyone arrives, Dick can feel his heart pounding in his chest. Jason puts a hand on his arm to steady him, but it barely does anything. They’re all staring at him, so he takes the simple way out and blurts out the longest kept secret of his life.
“Immortality.” The rest of the words catch in his throat. Everyone in the room starts talking over each other.
Jason waits until they’ve settled down before adding on, “And reincarnation.” The room is loud again and Dick can barely breathe.
Once it’s quiet again, Bruce speaks. “Explain?” He looks like he’s trying very hard not to throw out questions interrogation style.
Jason looks to Dick for permission and he shakes his head. It has to be him to do it. “I’m cursed.” The rest catches again. He takes a deep breath. “I’m two thousand years old.” There’s a collective breath taken around the room.
“Man, still just as crazy hearin’ you say it a second time,” Jason mutters. Dicks laughs, and it helps him breathe a little easier.
“I’ve lived through lifetimes and worlds beyond this one.” His jaw tries to force itself shut but he pushes forward. “So have you.” The shock throughout the room is easy to read. And Dick knows it’s only about to get worse. “I’m the only one who remembers.”
“Why don’t we remember?” Tim asks quietly.
Dick opens his mouth but the real explanation won’t come out of his mouth. “I’m cursed.” He says instead. Jason nudges him and he nods.
“Dick doesn’t die. Hence, immortality. The cycle restarts every time everyone else has died. Hence, reincarnation. It’s his curse. He’s cursed to forever be alone in the total knowledge.” Dick nudges his brother in gratitude.
Steph is the first to break the silence. “Fuck.” She says eloquently. Dick lets out a wet laugh. “Fuck, dude.”
“Oh and also he retains small amounts of magic from some of the worlds that he lived in.” Jason grins.
“Shut up, they weren’t supposed to know that!” Dick slaps his arm. He turns back to the room where everyone is staring at him. “Great, look at what you did.”
Cass tilts her head. “Show us?” She asks gently. Dick lets a wide grin take over his face and nods.
Jason perks up a little. “Ooh, which one are you gonna show? The literal metal bending or the fire? Oh, or the- fuck!” A large water droplet lands on his head.
The room bursts into laughter. Dick grabs at the water that splashed onto him to dry himself off. “That’s what you get for snitching.”
After the laughter dies down, Damian is the one to tilt his head. “If the world restarts the cycle after we all die, theoretically that means we don’t come back.” He says it like a statement, but Dick can hear the question behind it.
“We talked to Constantine around a month ago,” Dick sighs, “he thinks this is the final cycle. What that means exactly, he wouldn’t give a straight answer for.”
“That still doesn’t explain why we, y’know, came back,” Steph points out. “Not that I’m not grateful for it- I love being alive ‘n shit, but like. Why?”
All Dick can do is shrug. He doesn’t know. “I was cursed a long time ago, if there were any parameters to my curse, I don’t remember them now. I don’t know if you’ll ever remember, or if there will be a next cycle, and if there is if I’ll remember. All I know is that we’re here now.”
There is silence for a long moment before, as one, everybody moves towards the couch and traps Dick in a large embrace. The comfort he feels from his family in one place, in one lifetime, is enough for him to start crying. He just holds on tighter to whoever he can get his hands on and stays in their grasp. He stays there and hopes it’s enough.