Work Text:
(PROLOGUE: MAY
@kisforkallista: WHAT THE FUCK IS AN "OPTIONAL WINTER ACTIVITIES WEEK"?
@N0t-A-R0b0t: @kisforkallista It's where the winter is optional while they're doing their activities, because they're in Massachusetts.
@kisforkallista: @N0t-A-R0b0t I like you. You can stay.)
***
AUGUST
"Talking to your girlfriend again, Jay?" Peter asked, grinning. Jay was starting to regret this whole roommates situation, even if they did have the same engineer.
"She's not my girlfriend," Jay told him. "She's, you know. A friend."
"On the internet, who you tweet constantly," Peter said. "Yeah, I know. But she's also the reason you don't date, so. She's kind of your girlfriend."
"I don't date because this would be a bit weird to explain," Jay said, gesturing at his palm, which was also serving as his terminal interface. Currently, it was displaying his twitter timeline.
"I don't know, she could be into it," Peter said, raising an eyebrow. "Robots are totally a kink people have."
"Yeah?" Jay said. "I don't see you dating."
"Hey, low blow," Peter said, crossing his arms. And it was, a little; Peter had the particular joy of looking perennially prepubescent. Which was weird, seeing as he was twenty-six, older than Jay and had a bachelor's degree. Their engineer hadn't exactly thought through all of the ramifications of a child robot with learning capabilities and a complex system to eventually process emotional simulation.
"We're getting you a new chassis," Jay said. They were barely making rent, but Jay was determined. He'd sell some of his own spare parts of he needed to. They were gonna get Peter a chassis, and Jay a ticket to California.
Callista lived in California.
Jay's notifications beeped at him from his hand.
@MetaSigmaPolia: @kisforkallista @N0t-A-R0b0t Are you sure you two aren't dating?
@kisforkallista: @MetaSigmaPolia We have a list.
@N0t-A-R0b0t: @MetaSigmaPolia @kisforkallista Exactly! The list of reason we aren't dating.
Officially, the List of Reasons They Weren't Dating was this:
- LA
- Chicago
Unofficially, for Jay, the list was:
- LA
- Chicago
- I'm a robot
Jay didn't really see place as an issue; after all, technically he was programming and code, and if their relationship was online, well. Jay could access the internet with his brain. It wasn't exactly normal, sure, but neither would be dating if they were in person. Or as "in person" as Jay ever was.
But he had no idea if Callista would be okay with the robot thing. About the fact that he occasionally sold parts of his chassis for cash, that his chassis just existed and wasn't really part of him, that technically he was just… wires and code and programming bits. Not a person. Not really alive.
His twitter chimed again.
@kisforkallista: @N0t-A-R0b0t Hey, you still want to beta this thing?
Jay smiled down at his hand. Yeah, he tweeted. Send it to me.
***
SEPTEMBER
Jay: so what if.
Jay: what if we pretended to be dating next april fools. since all our friends keep trying to get us together.
Callista: Oh my god.
Callista: Perfect.
***
Jay sort of hated his manager.
Work for robots was hard to come by; there was the small manner of trying to get a job without proper ID, for one thing, and for another, any legal job he could get, well.
"J-53706, report to second level engineering for routine inspection."
Jay looked up from his workbench, glaring at the aforementioned manager. The man was such an ass. And he skirted the edge of legalities when it came to employing robots, that was for sure.
"Routine inspection?" he asked. "What does that mean?"
"Modifications check and server optimality," his manager said. "Second level engineering. Now."
"Alright, alright, fine," Jay said. "But if anything blows up, it's your fault."
"Faulty robots are only a step above useless junk!" he said, sneering. Jay only just managed not to flip him off as he walked away. God, he was gonna report that douche to HR one of these days. Jay didn't care if his manager was the boss' brother.
Jay only worked here because it was where his engineer worked. Not his programmer—no, she was long gone; considered Jay a mistake, actually—but his engineer, a perpetually harried-looking woman named Tajali.
"Jay, hey," Tajali said as he arrived at the second level engineering lab. "How's research and development?"
"Awful," Jay said. "The boss' shitty brother is a speciest fuckbag. I'm gonna quit."
"Oh, Jay," Tajali said. "That's a terrible attitude. You need to learn to be patient. Approach adversity head on. Collect your thoughts and meditate through the anger." Tajali was a little… weird. (See: Peter.)
"Yeah, whatever," Jay said. "I'm here for inspection?"
"Oooh, yes," Tajali said. "Lemme look at you." She hooked him up to the nearest terminal, and spent about ten minutes looking over his code. It looked fine to him, but what did he know, apparently.
"Hmm, odd modification usage here," she highlighted a section and brought it up onto the display. "And here." She blinked. "Is that twitter?"
Jay shrugged. "Faster than a regular laptop," he said. "I'm lazy."
She tsked at him. "Stop using up data space for silly computer applications," she said. "I know you own a phone. And don't tweet at work."
"I don't tweet at work," he lied.
"And don't lie," she said. "Lying ruins your inner balance. Perverts your soul."
"You made that up," he said.
"I'm your mother, I'm allowed to make things up for moral lesson reasons."
"You're not my mother, and that seems morally dubious at best," he said. "Can I get back to work now?"
She sighed. "Fine," she said. "But stop flirting with your girlfriend on company time."
"Not my girlfriend!" he called out as he walked out the door of her lab.
***
OCTOBER
@kisforkallista: I should probably change my username.
@N0t-A-R0b0t: @kisforkallista it is slightly misleading.
@kisforkallista: @N0t-A-R0b0t Listen. It's based on this anime I used to watch. IT WAS FUNNY AT THE TIME, OKAY.
@N0t-A-R0b0t: @kisforkallista whatever you say, my friend.
***
NOVEMBER
Jay had sort of given up on telling people Callista wasn't his girlfriend.
The other day at work one of his co-workers, Janet, asked if he was seeing anyone, and he's just shrugged and said yes. Then she'd asked him about robot sex, and he'd quickly changed the subject, because. Nope. No. Noooooo thanks.
@Redshirt_Overlord: @N0t-A-R0b0t you and callista are my favourite not-couple
@N0t-A-R0b0t: @Redshirt_Overlord awwww thanks bro
It was just… easier?
Like, they weren't dating at all, it was totally just a joke. Everyone they knew just teased them about it so much, it was easier to roll their eyes and go along with it than, you know. Correct them.
Obviously.
DECEMBER
Jay texted Callista probably more than was healthy. Especially consider he was texting her with his brain. But she was one of his best friends. In fact, aside from Peter, she was one of his only friends.
And he was maybe, slightly, just a little bit in love with her.
She had an incredibly dry sense of humor, and when she was tired she scrunched her face and mumbled sleepily at her screen, and she got really, really excited about her favourite movies and television shows. And it was endearing, all of it, and it felt almost like too much. Like Jay was overheating, like his processors were overloading.
Was this what it felt like to be in love? Could he be in love? And if he could, would a human even believe it? Maybe he should tell her.
"Maybe I should tell her," he said out loud.
"Tell who what?" Peter asked.
"Tell Callista I'm a robot," Jay said.
"Wait, she doesn't know?" Peter said. "Dude. You should definitely tell her."
"I know," Jay said. "But what if she doesn't like me?"
"Jay. She likes you. She texts you daily," Peter said.
"No, I text her daily. Oh my god, I'm clingy," he said, covering his face with his hands. "I'm clingy, and I'm a robot."
"And a drama queen," Peter said.
"Shut up!" Jay said, slightly muffled. "This is serious."
"I know," Peter said, sounding sympathetic. "Tell her anyway."
***
Jay: So um. What are you feelings on robots?
Callista: I love robots. I've always loved robots.
Jay: that's good. uh. that's great.
Jay: so I gotta tell you something
Callista: ….okay…
Jay: it's possible I'm a robot
Callista: Haha, me too.
Jay: No, I mean, I'm actually, literally a robot. Like a genuine android. The username is a bit of a joke.
Callista: …
Callista: Oh my god
***
JANUARY
So, now Callista knew he was a robot.
She'd taken it pretty well, considering. She'd asked about a million questions, had gotten super excited, and then texted him a bunch of articles by leading robotics engineers with various question marks.
Most of them, Jay shrugged at (he had no idea what the purpose of Big Dog was supposed to be either, other than super, super creepy). Others were more awkward because, well. Sometimes he forgot Tajali wasn't actually his weird hippie aunt or whatever. Though her writing was so her it made him smile.
He refused to even open the articles by his old programmer. "She's a dick," was all he texted back, and considered the subject closed.
After a while, things went back to normal. Ish. Callista asked why Jay was into fandom in the first place; he'd replied, "well, even robots watch TV". And it was true, though not quite the answer. He supposed the proper answer was: even robots need an escape. Even we want a happy ending. He thought of Peter and his terrible chassis. Thought of his own chassis, and the missing parts he always carefully hid from his laptop cam.
Even robots had stupid, impossible dreams.
And, apparently, fell in love.
"So, I might have told a dude we were engaged," Callista was saying in his hand. Jay refocused from his internal crisis of angst or whatever, and blinked.
"I'm sorry, what?" he said. "How did that happen?"
"Well, you know how I really really want to get married on a ship?" she said.
"Yes," he said patiently. Everyone knew that.
"And you know how we always joke about getting married?"
"...Yes?"
"I may have been talking about the wedding, and someone asked me where my fiance was, and I might have said, uh, Chicago," she said.
"Oh my god," he said.
"Whoops?"
"So not only am I your fake boyfriend, I'm your fake fiance," he said. "Remind me when we get fake married so I don't forget our anniversary."
"Well, obviously when we get fake married, you'll still be there," she said, flipping her hair. "I'm not getting any sort of married without a dance number, and you can't have proper dance numbers with only one person."
"Oh, of course," Jay said, unspeakably fond. Nevermind that robots couldn't get married at all. "How silly of me to forget."
"Exactly," Callista said. "Don't do it again."
"Yes, your majesty," Jay mocked slightly, and Callista grinned.
***
FEBRUARY
Callista: All I'm saying is, for a boat wedding to work, you need a boat. And water. Come to California.
Jay: we have boats and water! LAKE MICHIGAN EXISTS.
Callista: ugh what is with everyone's obsession with Chicago.
Jay: hey!
Callista: ugh fine. If I agree to move to Chicago, can we still have the wedding in California.
Jay: sure, okay
Jay: wait did we just get rid of the list?
Callista: Uh. Huh. I guess?
***
MARCH
Jay was completely and utterly fucked, he realised.
He and Callista weren't dating. Probably? He wasn't actually sure anymore. They hadn't really… talked about it since the weird conversation where Callista had agreed to move to Chicago. He had no idea how serious she'd been about it. And things had been exactly the same between them since. But.
But.
He didn't… he didn't look at people the same way anymore. He met people, both human and robot, and without them even saying anything, without them even making a passing interest in him, he'd immediately start talking about "my girlfriend, Callista". And sure, okay, so they'd agreed it was easier to tell people they were dating than to explain all the specifics, but.
He felt slightly guilty about it, because now he also really sort of wished it was true. He had no idea when that started. If it had always been there, morphing along with their friendship, or if they'd become such good friends and slowly it turned out, whoops, Jay was in love.
Emotions were stupid. If he didn't know Tajali would flatly refuse, he'd ask to get them removed.
Peter thought it was hilarious.
"This is the funniest thing I have ever seen," he said. "It's like watching a sitcom, except I live with you."
"I hate you so much," Jay said, slumping down on their couch. His hand chimed.
"That'd be the girlfriend," Peter said cheerfully.
"Oh, shut up," Jay said.
Callista: we still on for april fools? it's in a couple weeks. do you still want to switch accounts, or…
Jay stared at the text, and a secondary realisation dawned on him, one he needed a minute to parse out.
Jay: I just realised. we can't do our april fools prank.
Callista: Why not?
Jay: everyone ALREADY thinks we're dating.
Callista: Huh. You're right.
Callista: …
Callista: You know what this means? This means we're going to have to BREAK UP for April Fools Day.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Jay was never telling Peter.
***
APRIL
April Fools Day went off without a hitch.
Jay and Callista wrote out their nasty "break-up" argument beforehand over Skype, and then gleefully dropped it onto their tweetfeed, watching the reactions ripple out like two kids with a rock and a pond. (Or more accurately, two kids with an anthill and a magnifying glass.)
Four people unfollowed Jay. Two followed Callista. It was hilarious.
@TimTambourine: @N0t-A-R0b0t what is this
@witchqueen: ohmY gd is this really hapenning rn
@peterpaaaaan: wtf
What the hell, when did Peter get a twitter?
D @Redshirt_Overlord: oh my gosh are you okay, do you wanna talk about it?
Oh no, Dill was genuinely upset. Jay felt a bit bad about that one. It was like four AM in England.
I'm fine, don't wanna talk about it thanks, Jay wrote back. Jay was gonna owe him a lot for this one.
Callista: So that settles it then.
Jay: we're the worst people ever?
Callista: Well yes, obviously. But also we're, you know. Dating.
Callista: Can't fake break up if you aren't dating.
Jay: well, i mean. Yes.
Jay: you're okay with that, right? even though I'm like. a robot and everything?
Callista: Jay. I'm very okay with that.
Jay: ah. good.
Jay: that's good.
This was the best day ever. He was smiling in a way he knew probably looked all gross and love-lorn. He didn't give much of a fuck.
He started searching for cheap tickets to California from Chicago.
Maybe that could be an anniversary present.
"Jay," Peter yelled from his room. "What the hell is going on?"
"April fools!" Jay said.
***
(EPILOGUE: TWO YEARS LATER
Callista: You're such a disaster I can't believe I'm dating you.
Jay: i'm irresitibly charming or w/e.)