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He was happy, with his mother and father and then they had another added to their family, Genya. Sanemi was in awe of this little squirming thing wrapped in a blanket and when he cried, Sanemi would hold out a finger for Genya’s small hand to grip. His cries would stop and matching lavender eyes would meet his, just like right now.
“Hey Genya. Don't be sad! Nemi is here!” He told him. He heard voices behind him.
“They’re growing up so fast.” His father said.
“I know.”
Sanemi glanced away from the toddler to look back at his parents. His mother was leaning into his father’s side. “Gah! Emi!” He looked back at Genya as he called for him, squeezing his finger. “Up Emi!” Sanemi smiled. “Up we go!” He said as he scooped Genya up and stood. Placing him on his small hip and barely able to stand, Sanemi started marching around the room dramatically.
“We’re going on an adventure Genya! Whoah!” He stumbled a little. “Looks like we hit a rough patch! But we gotta keep going Genya!” He wobbled on purpose now as Genya gripped his shirt like his life depended on it.
“They’re growing big.”
“I know, Kyogo”
“I don’t think I can find any more work. And Gaku doesn't have anything for me.”
It was these conversations that let Sanemi know that their life was far from perfect.
Soon his father became frustrated as the cost for providing for two young mouths and bodies became too much. He and Ma started yelling and arguing. Father started to drink, to gamble, trying to drown the fact that he had a family, but was still trying to provide for them.
His father and Ma had soft moments too, where they cried and father would quit drinking. He still gambled and was pretty good at it.
Ma became pregnant again and father loved her, but then he hated her again, hated Sanemi and Genya.
He came home one night drunk and Sanemi ducked under the covers, sliding the covers over Genya as well, hoping that it would protect them.
“Shizu, where are you?!?” He slurred slightly and shouted as he entered the house.
“Yes Kyogo?” His Ma answered sleepily next to Sanemi. He could see her move under the covers.
“I’m done!” There was a pause.
“What?” Her voice shook.
“I’m done with this family! I don’t care what happens to you or them! You all just drain the money from me like leeches! I can’t even get a drink without feeling like I’m making my family go hungry!” Silence again.
Sanemi was still.
“Kyogo?” His mother’s voice shook again, sounding like a heart breaking.
“I mean it Shizu!” He spat her name like it was vile.
“I feel like I’m trapped here. No one will let me leave. I can’t leave! If I leave, no will offer me work cause I’ll be the bastard that left his fucking family!” His mother was yanked from beside him.
“Ma!” Sanemi tried to grasp on to her as she went out from under the covers. Genya squirmed beside him.
“Do you hear me, woman! This is all your fault! Fluttering your eyes, wooing me back then, when I could have been in the city working! I could have had any woman I wanted! But now I’m stuck here with you and those brats!”
SLAP! Thud.
It rang out in the small house. Sanemi pushed back the covers, waking Genya beside him. His sweet Ma was on the floor, crumpled and sobbing. His father started to bring up his foot to kick her.
“NO!” Sanemi ran and pushed with all his might and the towering man fell from his unbalanced footing.
“You’ll pay for that brat!” He reached Sanemi and grabbed him by his hair.
“Agh!” He tried to pry his father’s hand from his hair, but it was no use. His father lifted him into the air by his hair. It hurts, why would he do this! Why would he do this to Ma! Sanemi’s eyes burned as lavender met the lavender they were derived from.
“I hate you!” His father’s-Kyogo’s eyes narrowed, his grip tightened. Kyogo’s mouth opened.
“Kyogo!” Kyogo’s eyes snapped to his mother behind him as he squirmed mid air.
“Let him go.”
“Shizu…” He growled.
“YOU can hit ME, but don’t touch the children.” She snapped darkly.
Sanemi had never seen Mama so angry, not even when he had stolen Genya’s toys. The large hand released his hair and Sanemi fell to the ground, with a thump, hurting his elbow and leg. He looked up as Kyogo towered over his small mother. Ma stared into Kyogo’s eyes. Her stare was hard, determined, heartbroken and pitying.
“Sanemi.” She spoke.
“Y-yes?”
“Get Genya back to sleep.”
“B-but,” She turned. Her eyes were hard and determined, but were also filled with her love.
“Now.” She spoke softly.
“And don’t get out of bed,” She said softly. “You’re supposed to be asleep.”
Sanemi’s bottom lip trembled as he stood there. He could hear Genya sniffling behind him now.
“O-okay Mama.” He wiped his nose and turned back to Genya. He crawled under the covers and covered Genya’s and his head again with them. It was a fragile hope to think the covers would protect them, but it worked. He just wished it would work for Mama too.
—
It was a few weeks later that they found out the baby had died in Mama’s belly. A miscarriage they had called it, but Sanemi knew better. His father had kicked it out of Mama. Kyogo had murdered his unborn sibling. He hated Kyogo.
Ma was silent after that for a while. He would find her holding her belly sometimes, frozen and sad, like she wasn’t there. Sometimes when she was frozen she’d turn and see Sanemi and her face would brighten like the sun. Ma was still kind no matter what. Sanemi loved that about her. Sanemi swore her smiles made cuts and bruises disappear.
She relied on Sanemi more and asked him to do more for her, while she mended garments for the neighbors. She taught him how to sow, to help her with the mending, and how to change Genya when he soiled himself. She taught him how to feed Genya when she couldn’t and how to rock him to sleep when she stayed up to wait for Kyogo. She taught him to help, to care, to mend, but would never let him help her against Kyogo.
One night when it looked like Kyogo would be staying out for the night, as he would sometimes do, Sanemi slid over to his mother and poked her side. She rolled away from the door to face him.
“Mama we’re the same.” He said determined, little brows furrowed. Her own brows came down and she hummed in confusion. She was beautiful. Her face was smooth beneath the moon light and her pale blue eyes were stunning. He would bet that there was no one as pretty as Ma. He would tell her this, but there was something far more important that she needed to know.
“We’re both Mamas.” Her face stood still for a second before she laughed. A smile brightened her face.
“Sanemi you can’t be a Mama, you're still a boy and you're not even fully grown.” She mussed up his hair with a delicate hand as she lay on her side to face him more.
Sanemi huffed in indignation, pulling out from under her hand and scooting closer to Genya, feeling betrayed. His eyes slid to hers again.
“How come I can’t be a Mama? I can do all the same things you do!” Sanemi yelled, but both froze as they waited to see if Genya would wake, but all he did was stir a little. Sanemi brought his voice down to a whisper, face pulled into a pout as he scooted back towards his Ma in order to be heard.
“I can be a Mama.” He reassured her. His eyes stared into Shizu’s petulantly, daring her to tell him otherwise. And she did. Shizu shook her head.
“Sanemi, you’ll be a father.” Sanemi jerked back, eyes wide, as if slapped. How could she? It hurt. His heart hurt as he heard her words.
“I don’t want to be a father!” He shouted. He looked like Father didn’t he?! With his face and eyes. He hoped he never towered over Ma like him, never grew that tall. He lowered his voice darkly, eyes wide in anger, spitting out his words. “Fathers are mean and they hit Mamas and they kill babies!”
Silence.
Tears started to stream down his face, so he rolled on to his other side away from Shizu.
Sanemi hiccuped, scrunching his hands into the covers as he sat up and whipped his face angrily. Shizu slowly sat up with him, placing a hand on Sanemi’s back that he scooted away from. He didn’t want to cuddle after she said something like that. He pulled up his knees and covered his face with folded arms. Her hand hung in the air before she shifted to hug her own knees like her son.
They both listened to his hiccuping and Genya’s small snores until Shizu spoke again. “Sanemi, I want you to listen closely.” She paused and waited, watching his small figure.
Sanemi leaned his face a little bit her way after a minute, but only a little, so she wouldn’t think he was listening. Shizu saw though, as all mothers do, so she continued.
“I had a father and he wasn’t like yours at all. My father was like me.” Sanemi peeked at her from under his folded arms. Shizu pretended like she didn’t see him, a knowing smile on her face.
“And he was endlessly kind. Every day he would come home from work with a pink flower for me and for my Mama. Sometimes the flowers would be orange or white or yellow, sometimes all three!” She giggled and Sanemi did too under his folded arms.
“But he always came home with a smile even though we didn’t have enough food, money, or clothing.” Shizu watched him with a tilted head laid on her arms.
Sanemi raised his head, knowing what she was implying. She sighed looking down at her arms resting on her knees, before meeting Sanemi’s eyes.
Shizu shifted to kneel and rested her hand on her knees, palms up, waiting for Sanemi to follow. Sanemi shifted to kneel and placed his palms into her waiting ones. Shizu held his hands lightly and rubbed her thumbs over his small knuckles. She brought them up slightly, as her blue eyes stared into his.
“Sanemi, there are no good Fathers and Mamas, and there are no bad Fathers and Mamas. There are only good and bad people.” Tears pricked Sanemi’s eyes again as he looked into his mother’s kind and troubled face. Something shined in her eyes as she spoke. Maybe it was the sorrow for having married a person she thought was good, maybe it was sorrow for losing her unborn child to him. Her soft hands gripped his smaller ones. “Sanemi, promise me you’ll be a kind person. Promise me you’ll look out for your brother, even if he takes all your toys.” She said drawing the last part out. They both giggled at that as silence followed. Then Genya snorted like a pig in his sleep. Causing more giggles to slip out. As they quieted, Sanemi grew still.
Sanemi looked at her eyes before glancing down, speaking timidly, voice shaking. “Does this mean I have to be a father?”
Shizu’s eyes softened. “Only if you choose to be.”
He nodded. She brought a hand up to tilt his face to hers.
“And if you do choose to be, you’ll be a great one, because Sanemi?” His eyes widened as he saw the look on his mother’s face. It was a look that told him she spoke the truth, that he could believe her.
“You are the kindest, sweetest person in the whole world. And You my precious boy-”
“Are Good.”
Sanemi froze, like his world was shaken, eyes wide before they squeeze shut. His frame crumples, crying once more. Shizu pulls his shaking form towards herself.
“I-I’m not like h-him?” He asks.
“No honey.” She hugged him tightly, as her own frame shook.
“Not even a little bit?”
“No. Never.” She shushed.
He sobbed because he wasn’t like father. Like Kyogo. Mama would know if he were. He squeezes her around the middle until his sniffles calm down. Until his heart beat slows and his arms loosen. His mother was so kind and beautiful. She was a good person too.
“Y-you’re beautiful Mama. I l-love you.”
“I love you too sweetheart.”
“And you're a good person too.”
Her arms tighten just a little more.
“Thank you Sanemi.”
“I love you Mama, a whole lot.”
“I love you too, my little blossom.” She says as she nuzzles his hair.
He squeezes her again, determined.
“I-I’ll be the best brother! And when I get older I’ll be the best f-father too! Better than Kyogo! I promise!”
Tears fall from Shizu's face onto the snow white hair of her son’s head as her jaw trembles. She squeezes him back ducking her head to lay on top of his.
“And I-I can’t wait to see it! You’ll be the strongest, kindest person ever, my little blossom!” She says as she begins tickling his sides.
Sanemi squirms and giggles as they lay back down. He snuggles up to Shizu’s side while she gets comfortable.
“Love you Mama.” He squeezes her.
“Love you Sanemi.” She squeezes back.
She rests her hand on his head, combing softly through his hair.
“Good night.” He whispers, resting his head on her chest.
She lays a kiss atop his head as he begins to drift.
“Good night Sanemi.”