Chapter Text
Forget-me-not
The morning light struck him directly in the eyes, forcing him to wake up.
Reluctantly, he rubbed his eyes, trying to dispel the last traces of sleep. He stretched his body until he felt a satisfying pop in his back.
He took a deep breath, filling his lungs as much as possible before slowly exhaling through his mouth. He remained still for a few more seconds.
He knew he was delaying the inevitable, but he wanted to hold on to the illusion a little longer. Resigned, he finally decided to open his eyes.
He confirmed that, indeed, the other side of his bed was empty.
He stared emotionlessly at the stretch of the mattress. He knew that if he ran his hand over it, it would be cold to the touch. He sighed and closed his eyes again, covering them with his hand.
He didn’t know why he had even believed for a moment that this time would be different. That today would be special.
With little motivation, he got up and sat at the edge of the bed, running a hand through his hair.
Ivan had to stop torturing himself like this. It wasn’t good for his mental health to have such expectations in a mere sexual relationship. But it was so difficult to resist Till’s inherent allure. After all, he was a legend in his field. Everyone admired him and Ivan was no different.
His celebrity crush had only intensified once he had the great luck of working alongside his senior.
Till was so serious and professional, yet at the same time, so kind and considerate. And the beauty he displayed on screen had nothing to envy of his natural beauty, even when signs of exhaustion were quite evident in his posture.
But what truly made Ivan fall for him was his eyes. Those deep and bright eyes, tremendously expressive. So full of fire and lust when he granted him the honor of sharing his bed. An honor that was quickly revoked once his carnal desires had been satisfied, as Ivan could very well confirm every morning after.
Till had no problem giving him his body, but his heart remained untouchable.
Ivan couldn’t keep deceiving himself.
Till was a magical being, a god on Earth, and Ivan was nothing more than a pathetic human trying to cling to that divinity due to his greed.
A dry cough started to rise from his chest.
After clearing his airways, he looked down at what had fallen into his hands with resignation. Small blue flower petals glistened innocently, mixed with mucus and blood.
He supposed this was his divine punishment.
★★★★★
Hanahaki was a rare genetic disease.
Not many people were susceptible to it, and within this group, the conditions for it to develop were not always met.
It could have easily belonged to mythology if it weren’t for several clearly documented cases. In recent years, thanks to technology and numerous studies, it was a disease quite well known in the medical field—a deadly one, but fortunately treatable.
In society, however, it is considered more of a fairy tale. A rumor passed from gossiping mouths.
After all, in this day and age, who would be capable of dying for love?
Hanahaki was a disease brought on by the repression of romantic feelings, usually due to a complicated or unrequited love.
The disease resembled a tumor growing inside the heart. This lump released tiny fragments that ended up in the lungs, much like cancer cells. The lungs, filled with oxygen and warm humidity, were the perfect environment for these cells to grow and develop, eventually transforming into flower petals. As the disease progressed, they grew larger until they became fully-formed flowers.
The type of flower depended on the individual and the emotions that nourished it.
The only effective treatment was to rid oneself of the source of the tumor—that is, the feelings that created it. The repression and stress caused by these emotions were what kept the tumor attached to the heart’s walls, preventing its detachment.
Two methods were known to remove the tumor from the body.
The first, most recommended, and seemingly most accessible, was to confess those feelings—to release them from within—and hope for the best. The problem was that if it were that easy, the patient wouldn’t be in that situation to begin with. Hanahaki disease had a significant psychological component after all.
Moreover, in cases of unrequited love, nothing guaranteed that the person could let go of their feelings after being rejected.
Without a way to get rid of them, many actually worsened.
The second one was a surgery—removing the tumor through medical intervention. The problem was that it was an extremely risky procedure, as it involved heart surgery to remove a piece attached to its walls. Plus, there was the added risk that if the person still harbored those feelings, it was impossible to remove the entire mass, as their own body clung to it.
If too much was cut, it could permanently damage the heart, limiting the patient's quality of life and reducing their life expectancy. But if any parts of it remained, it was highly likely to regrow over time, leading to a second operation with a higher mortality rate.
In extreme cases, a heart transplant might be considered, but it was soon discovered that this did not guarantee that the disease wouldn’t return. The root cause was in the mind, after all, even if it manifested in the heart.
Because of this, Hanahaki patients were placed at the bottom of transplant lists, making it an almost unviable method.
For this same reason, surgery was always preceded by a combined treatment of medication and hypnosis, aimed at making the patient forget the feelings of love that made them sick. The drugs dulled all emotions in general, making the patient more susceptible to the hypnosis, which focused on erasing all memories related to the loved person in question.
To avoid risks, they ensured the patient could never fall in love with them again.
★★★★★
Ivan met Till—or rather, learned of Till’s existence—when he was just a child.
He remembered watching a movie with his guardians and being amazed at the performance of the youngest protagonist. That boy was able to shift from joy to sorrow in an incredible way, to the point where his crying face made your heart ache.
The expressive ability of that silver-haired child—who must have been only five or six years older than Ivan—left a deep impression on him. He was far better than his adult co-stars.
Ivan became obsessed with the actor named Till and began searching for every project he had worked on. From a diaper commercial when he was a baby (he really started young!) to musicals (he could sing too!? This guy was incredible!).
He recalled begging his guardians for a ticket to a play Till was starring in, only to be disappointed when he found out there were no available seats in a show near his hometown. (His guardians strictly forbade him from spending money traveling to another city just for fun.)
Ivan had to settle for admiring his idol through the screen and spending his entire allowance on Till’s merchandise.
Pretty soon he decided that if Till wouldn’t come to him, he would go to Till. That's how he signed up for music classes, where, to his pleasant surprise, he discovered he had natural talent for singing. And as soon as he could, he joined a talent agency.
There, he was taught to dance and act, but that was just the beginning.
They also forced him to learn how to dress in a way that attracted the public’s attention, how to speak knowing exactly what to say, how to put on a good face even when he was exhausted or dealing with unpleasant people, and so on.
His debut as an idol was guaranteed, thanks to his skills and, above all, his pretty face. He was also lucky to be paired with another idol-in-training of similar features but an opposite color scheme: Luka.
The agency loved the duality they represented—the dark evil prince and the pure charming prince, night and day, demon and angel.
Ivan found it amusing that he was the one marketed as mysterious and brooding while Luka played the innocent and adorable role, when in reality, they were practically the opposite.
Working with Luka was interesting, at least.
He was very intelligent—way smarter than Ivan, whose intellect only came from devouring books for hours on end—but also extremely antisocial, with a dark sense of humor that Ivan never fully understood.
They never became friends, but they at least respected and looked out for each other.
In their industry, that was more than enough.
Ivan remembered his first performance in front of an audience perfectly.
His heart felt like it was about to burst out of his chest, and he had a moment of panic where he couldn't recall the lyrics to his song. But as soon as he stepped onto the stage, all his doubts disappeared.
The lights blinded him, leaving his mind blank, until the roar of the crowd awakened him reminding him where he was.
He had just entered the world of show business. The place where Till was waiting.
The years passed quickly, filled with tours, concerts, and promotions. Endless photo shoots, interviews, and choreography rehearsals. The duo formed by Ivan and Luka was known throughout the country, adored by their fans.
However, everything good must come to an end.
Luka’s already fragile health suffered under the stress and relentless hours of practice. On doctor’s orders, he had to slow down.
At the same time, Ivan was beginning to grow bored. The life of an idol had become repetitive, and, more importantly, it wasn’t bringing him any closer to meeting Till. An idol and a renowned serious actor rarely crossed paths—perhaps at an award ceremony, but even then, the opportunity never arose, especially given how prone Till was to disappear whenever he could. (And he thought Luka was antisocial.)
And so, both decided to disband the duo, much to the sorrow of their fans.
Luka chose to remain in the music industry, but in a more behind-the-scenes role. Composing and producing, with the occasional song performed by himself, was much better for his health.
Ivan, to the surprise of no one who knew him, focused on acting. He began appearing in dramas here and there, balancing it with his work as a model. He also occasionally collaborated on musical projects, but his final goal was clear.
He wanted to share the screen with Till.
His prayers were finally answered the day he received the first script for Alien Stage, a musical series. Not only was his beloved Till part of the project—their characters were in love (at least his character was) and had numerous scenes together!
That day, he thanked the heavens for being born.
★★★★★
It was always said, "Never meet your idols," and for a tense period of time, Ivan almost fell into the trap of believing it.
The entire cast had gathered for a first script reading and introduction. He was relieved to see Luka there, as it meant he wouldn’t be the only ex-idol trying to become an actor.
The rest of the cast was also very friendly and full of enthusiasm. But it quickly became clear who the veterans were.
Both Sua and Till were polite but didn’t go out of their way to interact with others. Sua was more open to conversation if spoken to, but Till carried an aura of “do not disturb” around him at all times.
It wasn’t that he was arrogant or rude, but it was evident that he was always tired and preferred to quietly read the script or relax rather than socialize.
Ivan remembered fondly the days when Luka, Mizi, and he would play rock-paper-scissors to see who would approach Till first, afraid of disturbing him.
Not even Ivan, who had countless photoshoots with him due to their characters being one of the key duos in the story, could get him to socialize with him beyond what was strictly necessary.
He was about to resign himself to the fact that his crush would remain nothing more than a dream—a fantasy for an unattainable being—when the time came to film the infamous Round 6.
The song Cure was both devastating and heartbreaking. It was a beautiful masterpiece where both of them could shine with their voices.
So sad and powerful, so full of longing. Ivan could almost empathize with his counterpart in the series—the pain of wanting someone so much that it didn’t matter how they treated you, as long as they left their mark on you. And at the same time, clinging to the futile hope that, somehow, they would finally look your way. Just like him and Till.
To make matters worse, they didn’t even record the song together due to scheduling conflicts.
Almost for the better—it made it easier for Ivan to convey the emptiness and anguish while singing alone in the studio. Only his own echo accompanied him.
Then came the day of filming. The day everything took a 180º turn.
Curiously, the script had changed since the first draft. Due to the unexpected popularity of their characters, the scene was altered.
What was initially meant to be a dance where Ivan would be shot after losing, forcing Till to watch his childhood friend(?) die in front of him, turned into something even more dramatic.
Now, Till would be deeply depressed, devoid of the will to continue after his loved Mizi disappeared, and Ivan would attack him in order to lose on purpose.
What Ivan hadn’t counted on was that the “attack” involved kissing Till.
Till didn’t even blink when reading the script change, but Ivan spiraled into an existential crisis. He was going to kiss Till!! And not just a superficial, mechanical, and scripted kiss like in the dramas he had starred in.
No no. He had to, for lack of a better term, devour Till’s mouth with desperation (before choking him, but that was a whole other problem to think about later).
He had never kissed anyone so passionately before, and now he had to do it with Till!?
Ivan was going to die.
To no one’s surprise, the scene was a disaster.
The mere sensation of Till’s soft lips overwhelmed him, short-circuiting his brain. He could almost feel his heart jumping out of his throat—literally—every time he got close.
Nerves got the best of him, and he kept messing up, despite Till asking him at the beginning to focus so they could get the scene done in just one take.
That made sense—no one wanted to stay under the artificial rain longer than necessary.
When the director called for a break to avoid further frustration and a worsening atmosphere, Ivan was already thinking of three different ways to disappear from the face of the earth.
However, to his surprise, his idol came to his rescue.
Till had every right to scold him for his terrible performance (he had even accidentally injured Till’s lip with his teeth!). He could have yelled at him and called him an idiot in multiple ways.
But instead, Till remained calm. He shared his own experiences, showing patience, empathy and understanding.
Before resuming filming, Till gave him the greatest gift of all—he smiled at him for encouragement.
That smile was Ivan’s downfall.
His heart had already left his body when they got in position again, having pounded so hard it had vanished into the astral plane. The next time he kissed Till, he was able to perfectly express desire and yearning. Just like his character, he wanted to leave his mark on such an extraordinary being.
It was with a mix of satisfaction and sorrow that they successfully finished filming their round. The staff congratulated them, and everyone went home.
Ivan’s involvement in the project was over; he would barely interact with Till again outside of group events from now on.
At least it had been a beautiful dream. And he got a beautiful everlasting memory from it.
He could almost feel the pressure of Till’s lips on his again, and the taste of his saliva (coffee, unsurprisingly).
No one expected the audience’s reaction to the sixth round once it went on air.
The show’s fandom had always been constant and dedicated, but suddenly, it exploded. A wave of voices clamored for Ivan’s character, creating wild theories to justify his survival. Apparently, the kiss and sacrifice for an unrequited love had resonated deeply with the fans. The fanbase for Till and Ivan multiplied and made a lot of noise.
So much noise that the producers decided to capitalize on it.
Despite having officially bid farewell to the project, Ivan suddenly found himself signing contracts for new songs, scheduling additional photoshoots with Till (or alone), and even filming new scenes for the final round. Now, instead of Mizi, his character would be the one haunting Till’s thoughts.
With more sponsors and, consequently, more money, production quality improved. Merchandising and special events increased.
The staff was thrilled, so they threw a celebration party for the success.
That’s how Ivan found himself in the middle of the chaos, surrounded by people drinking and joking, nervously holding a glass of alcohol.
He wasn’t used to drinking, so he only took small sips. But nerves left him with no other way to occupy his hands. The reason for his nerves? Till was sitting right next to him.
He couldn't sit still. He tried to think of things to say, but his tongue always got stuck.
So he kept drinking, wishing at the same time that the evening would end and wanting to stay with his idol for just a little longer.
Then, three whole bottles of beer later, he found himself waking up in an unfamiliar hotel room.
And, when the bathroom door opened, revealing a freshly showered Till, surrounded by steam and body still glistening with water, Ivan realized he must have died and went to heaven—this image came straight out of his wildest fantasies!
"Ah, you’re awake?" Till said, oblivious to the panic attack Ivan was having at that moment.
Ivan wasn’t freaking out just because he had shared a room with Till. Plenty of innocent things could have happened—being drunk and having his kind and responsible senior take care of him was the most obvious scenario. But Ivan's eyes locked onto something that painted a very different picture.
Till’s neck bore an unmistakable bite mark. Not to mention the countless hickeys decorating his chest.
And suddenly, everything from the previous night came rushing back to Ivan’s mind.
Clothes carelessly discarded on the floor as they blindly searched for the bed. Desperate kisses, a futile attempt to drink in each other’s saliva, to capture the other’s essence. Skin that blushed a lovely pink beneath his fingers, his lips, his tongue.
A new, unheard melody that spilled from the wonderful throat of his admired star. A song meant only for his ears.
His burning body had felt there was too much space between them, so he had frantically sought to close the distance. Closer, deeper, more.
More.
Ivan felt mortified. He had never imagined he could act so animalistic. His eyes returned to the marks he had shamelessly left on his senior’s body. He had left marks on an actor’s body! The audacity!
“I…” How was he supposed to start apologizing? How could he explain his uninhibited actions caused by alcohol?
Perhaps Till could see the panic in his face because he approached him slowly, a reassuring expression on his face.
“Relax,” Till said, placing a hand on Ivan’s hair. Instinctively, Ivan leaned into the touch. “We’re adults. These things happen.”
“The marks…”
“It’s fine. They can be covered with makeup or bandages.”
Till’s nonchalant attitude was throwing him off. How could he sit so calmly beside him, on the very bed where… where they had had sex (sex with Till!! Oh my god. He would soon start to hyperventilate!), while Ivan was having an existential crisis?
This wasn’t how things were supposed to go!
If Till was willing to give him a chance at being something more, Ivan would have planned it properly—going on dates, to the movies, to dinner.
He would have gradually gotten closer, a touch here, a hug there, until finally, he could hold his hand. He would have confessed his feelings during a walk, maybe by the beach, melting into a sweet kiss which confirmed their mutual romantic feelings.
How the heck had they skipped so many steps?!
He hadn’t even suspected that Till liked him before today. He had never seen any sign of it. When had he started feeling attracted to him?
Well, obviously, he must have been if he had slept with him. That meant they could be something more, right?
Could they build a solid relationship if they had already jumped straight to the main course?
There was only one way to find out.
"T–…"
"Ivan, don’t overthink it," Till cut him off. "We drank too much and got carried away. At least it was between us, so there won’t be any issues with the filming."
W-what? Why was Till speaking as if this was no big deal? Was he used to this? It was true that Till was older and had more experience, but to the point where he could be so casual about what had happened between them?
Ivan looked down at his hands, clenched into fists on his knees. His gaze was unfocused.
What did all of this mean?
Did Ivan mean nothing to Till? Was he just another one of his one-night stands?
He didn’t want to be just another one. He didn’t want to be discarded without a second thought. A heavy pressure started building in his chest.
"The truth is," Till began, drawing Ivan’s attention, "it’s been a long time since I’ve slept that well. With the stress from work, it’s been hard to unwind. If you don’t mind, we could keep doing this."
"This? What do you mean?"
"Using each other to release stress. I think it’s the easiest solution for this situation. No strings attached, no complications. If you’re okay with it, of course."
Ivan stared at him, dumbfounded.
Was Till really suggesting they become friends with benefits?
Ivan didn’t want that. If he ever had a relationship with Till, he didn’t want it to be something so superficial.
But… maybe this was his chance.
If Till was focused on him, he wouldn’t go looking for other people. If Till spent time with him, maybe he would learn to appreciate him.
Ivan could use this opportunity to make Till fall in love with him. To become something more.
"S-sure, that sounds fine to me."
The smile Till gave him was blinding.
Ivan didn’t know it then, but that smile was the moment his fate was sealed.