Work Text:
A Royal Pain
by Trinity Jay
Cast:
Link, chosen hero of Hyrule
Zelda, Princess of Hyrule
Teba, new elder of Rito Village
The Smotherwing Butterfly, a fire butterfly
The Server, a worker at the Goron City restaurant
Act 1:
SCENE 1: Death Mountain. A rocky terrain in the fiery regions of Hyrule
[Enter ZELDA, TEBA, and LINK, clad in heavy fireproof armory.]
ZELDA:
I can’t express how grateful I am for you to join us, Teba. Your expertise and bird’s eye view are invaluable to us. I truly can’t thank you enough for leaving your home and joining us on this perilous journey.
TEBA:
Please, think nothing of it, Princess. It’s an honor to join you and Link in your endeavors again. I miss being able to stretch my wings…if only I could. This armor you got from the Goron’s repair shop is heavy.
ZELDA: (sighs)
My apologies. It was all they could offer. It’s a shame Tulin couldn’t join us. He’s usually the one to step up and help.
TEBA:
Yeah. He wanted to come, but volunteered to stay back and help Molly test out her newly invented arrows.
ZELDA: (smirks)
He “volunteered”?
TEBA: (shrugs)
Eh, he’ll figure it out someday. Young Rito tend to follow their hearts before they even fly straight.
(TEBA & ZELDA chuckle)
TEBA:
So, this butterfly…rarest of all Smotherwings, huh?
ZELDA:
Yes, it’s incredibly elusive. This particular one only appears during the hottest part of the day and prefers to remain hidden within the mountain where the lava flows are most intense. Its rarity is what makes its essence so powerful and valuable against the icy wrath of the Nevelong.
(LIINK pulls out Sheikah Slate and shows the screen to TEBA)
ZELDA:
According to the Hyrule Compendium, the closer we get to the volcano’s base, the closer we are to the Smotherwing.
TEBA:
This heat is something else, even with the Flamebreaker Armor. Let’s hope we can finish this before I turn into roasted Rito.
(LINK, ZELDA, and TEBA creep towards the opening of the volcano)
ZELDA: (smiles slyly)
This is it. You guys think you’re up for it?
TEBA:
A little too late to be asking that, but I guess so.
(All three of them crouch)
ZELDA:
Okay, are you guys ready? Three. Two. One. Jump!
(Everyone jumps inside except Zelda.)
(LINK looks back mid-fall and yelps in surprise, flailing his arms)
TEBA: (in disbelief)
Wait a minute…did she just ditch us?!
ZELDA: (stutters while shouting)
I-uh just remembered: someone needs to stay up here a-and guide you through the hidden parts of the map. I’ll be your eyes from above, ensuring your s-safety while you s-s-search for the Smotherwing.
TEBA:
I thought you said I was the eyes! Why’d you drag me along, then?
LINK: (shouts)
Hiya!
TEBA: (gapes)
What? “Scapegoats”? What do you mean, “scapegoats”?!
ZELDA:
That’s quite a strong word, Link. Let’s go with…expendable explorers!
TEBA:
Sure. Has a nice ring to it. Maybe we can get matching shirts that say, “I survived the volcano, and all I got was this lousy title!”
ZELDA:
Great idea! But first, you must survive…unless you guys want to end up in a stew pot forever.
(LINK & TEBA look down at the fast-approaching lava. LINK tries to reach for something to break his fall, but to no avail. He screams.)
TEBA: (shouts while flapping his wings)
Oh, yes! I’ve always wanted an extreme spa day!
(LINK & TEBA land with a resounding thud on molten rock. Both of them groan.)
ZELDA: (grins)
Well, my work here is done.
TEBA: (shaking his head and pulling himself together)
Well, that could’ve been worse. Although my legs feel like guava jelly right now. And don’t you have a paraglider? You could’ve landed safely. What happened?
(LINK shakes his head as if to say, “I don’t know”)
ZELDA: (flying away on a paraglider)
Oh, by the way, Link: I borrowed your paraglider. I hope that’s okay!
(LINK stares at TEBA in annoyance)
TEBA: (dusting himself off)
I knew I should’ve brought my superior straps. You know, I had a feeling she was light on her feet. But I never knew she was light on commitment. I swear to Hylia, her pay day is coming.
LINK: (squints through the haze and smoke, points excitedly at a far away rock)
Hut!
TEBA: (follows LINK’s direction and sees a bright glimmer)
Whoa! There it is! Good eyes, Link! But how are we gonna get past all this molten rock?
LINK: (places his hand under his chin to think, then snaps his fingers)
Ah!
(LINK grabs his Sheikah Slate and keys a few commands on the screen. Within seconds, a large vehicular contraption plops down beside TEBA, who shrieks and flinches.)
LINK: (gestures to the machine with a flourish of his arms)
Ta-da!
TEBA: (clutching his chest and breathing heavily)
The “Cheap Jeep”, you say? Sure…that’ll work. Just don’t scare me like that again.
(LINK and TEBA get inside the Cheap Jeep. TEBA drives using the steering stick. They carefully approach the insect. TEBA slows the vehicle down enough for LINK to jump onto the hood, arms outstretched and ready to grab it.)
TEBA:
You’re almost there. All you have to do is pick up the butterfly and--
(The Smotherwing butterfly spits a large fireball at them.)
(LINK falls back, screaming)
TEBA: (darts to the side as the ball of flame barely misses him)
Are you kidding me? It can fight?
(LINK scrambles to the back of the vehicle as TEBA swerves, avoiding another fireball. The Smotherwing butterfly follows them around the bottom of the volcano, attacking them.)
TEBA:
This is no ordinary butterfly! We’d better do something about it, and quick!
(LINK scrambles around and grabs a net. He swings it at the butterfly. The butterfly burns through the net. LINK deadpans.)
TEBA: (shouts)
What the heck made you think that would work? It’s made of fire!
(LINK frantically searches for more things. He throws an assortment of items: a blue ocarina, a heart-shaped mask, a tea cup, a helmet from a dark realm, a cake pan, and more.)
LINK:
Huh! Haah?
TEBA:
Ideas? You’re the one with the Sheikah Slate full of magic tricks! Why not use one of those ice arrows or something?
LINK: (angry)
Hiyaaa!
TEBA:
Alright, I get it! We’re trying to capture the stupid thing, not kill it. Why did I agree to this?
(Out of the corner of his eye, TEBA spots a long wooden paddle in the pool nearby.)
TEBA: (embarrassed)
This might seem strange coming from me, but do you think that oar might help us?
LINK: (spots the oar they are approaching and nods)
Hm!
(LINK reaches out, uses his Ultrahand attack, and pulls the paddle just as they pass it. At the same time, TEBA swerves to avoid another attack from the Smotherwing. LINK cheers.)
TEBA:
Okay…now what?
(LINK uses his Fuse attack to attach the paddle to something else hidden in the vehicle. Just as he finishes, the Smotherwing spits another fireball. TEBA’s eyes widen. LINK leaps up and swings his newly created weapon. He deflects the fireball upon impact.)
TEBA: (shocked)
A stop sign? That shouldn’t exist here! Where’d you even get one?!
(The Smotherwing is shocked for a moment. It thinks fast and smacks the fireball back at LINK, who follows suit. The two are now engaged in a fiery game of ping pong. Before long, LINK swings hard and the fireball hits the Smotherwing, causing it to falter.)
(LINK & TEBA cheer.)
(The Smotherwing quickly recovers and dives fiercely towards them. Its wings flap to create a smorgasbord of scorching embers.)
(LINK & TEBA gape.)
TEBA: (floors it)
Hold on tight!
(The Cheap Jeep zooms around with the Smotherwing gaining on them. LINK tries to swing at it, but it’s too far.)
LINK:
Hut! Hah!
TEBA:
I can’t slow down! We’ll be fried! You’ll have to cover more distance with your weapon. Do you have some kind of stop gap?
(LINK looks through his random tools in the back of the vehicle and finds a small baton that can control the winds.)
LINK:
Hm!
(LINK takes apart his invention, placing the baton in between the stop sign and paddle. He stands at the ready. Just as the Smotherwing gains a little more ground, he swings once more. The Smotherwing butterfly crashes onto solid ground.)
TEBA: (pumps a fist in the air)
Yes! Way to go, Link!
(The Cheap Jeep suddenly hits a small rock, causing it to flip over and crash on the ground. It breaks into pieces and dissipates into thin air as LINK & TEBA land near the butterfly.)
TEBA: (staggering to his feet)
You know, that thing needs a better name. How about the Slipping Zipper?
(The Smotherwing rises with renewed vigor, charging towards him and LINK. The two roll out of the way.)
TEBA:
We need a better plan!
LINK:
Hup! Hah!
TEBA: (in disbelief)
Distract it? What are you gonna do?
LINK: (nods with a smirk)
Hut!
TEBA:
Fine. I trust you. But it better work…for our sakes.
(LINK runs off.)
TEBA: (grabs some pebbles and throws them at the Smotherwing.)
Hey, overgrown matchstick! I’ve seen campfires burn brighter than you! Your wings look like they got stuck in a toaster!
(The Smotherwing dodges, clearly angered. It chases TEBA around.)
TEBA:
Link, whatever you’re planning, you’d better make it quick!
(LINK grabs his shield and dashes to a rock. He fuses the two together. Before returning, he spots one of the items he threw earlier. He lifts his eyebrows as another idea comes to mind. TEBA runs out of pebbles to throw and finds himself cornered. The Smotherwing charges at him. TEBA stands his ground and closes his eyes.)
LINK: (swooping in and deflecting the Smotherwing with his new fusion)
Haaaah!
TEBA:
Sometimes, I’m amazed at how much of a responsive person you can be. It’s ironic.
(The Smotherwing crashes into a rocky wall and falls to the ground. LINK tosses the previously thrown tea cup into TEBA’s palm.)
TEBA: (confused)
What am I supposed to do with this?
LINK: (crouches down with his shield above him)
Hup!
TEBA: (glances between the cup and LINK)
Well, at this rate, I guess anything goes…
(TEBA rushes toward LINK and bounces off the makeshift shield. TEBA flies toward the Smotherwing. The Smotherwing notices and tries to attack, but TEBA slams the cup down before it can do so. It is now trapped inside the teacup. LINK uses his Fuse ability to keep it inside.)
TEBA: (catching his breath while giving LINK a high five)
Man, that is one deep teacup. I can’t believe we did it! Teamwork makes the dream work, am I right?
LINK: (nods)
Hup!
TEBA:
Now, let’s go find that princess!
SCENE 2: Meat for Meat. A small restaurant located inside a cave in the center of Goron City.
[ZELDA sits at a table drinking from a bowl-shaped rock. The SERVER enters.]
SERVER: (bowing)
And how is your new Goron grape pop slushie, Your Grace?
ZELDA: (wipes her mouth with a pink napkin)
I must say, this is marvelous! I could cool off from just one sip of punch! Should you keep selling these, there should not be an unpaid penny in sight.
SERVER:
I am glad to hear. Truly, you are a pearl among us Gorons!
ZELDA: (blushing)
Oh, you’re too kind!
(A couple of shadows loom over ZELDA. She looks up and sees LINK and TEBA, their armor covered in soot.)
ZELDA:
Oh, you’re back! That was quick! Did you get the Smotherwing?
TEBA: (handing ZELDA the tea cup)
It took us a while, but yeah. We got it. Now, can we finally go and stop this Nevelong so we can get on with our lives?
ZELDA: (confused)
Stop it?
TEBA:
Uh, yeah. You said you needed the butterfly to help stop the snow dragon.
ZELDA: (realizing)
Wait, when did I…oh, you mean to destroy it? Um, about that…I may have told a little white lie. There is no evil snow dragon. I’m helping the Goron come up with a new drink for visitors to endure the most extreme heat possible. I called it the Nevelong because it means “snow dragon”. Pretty catchy, isn’t it?
(TEBA & LINK gape in shock and anger.)
LINK:
Haaah?!
TEBA: (slams the teacup down on the table ZELDA sits at)
You mean to tell me you had us on a wild goose chase for a butterfly that was just part of a drink experiment?!
ZELDA: (sheepish grin)
I didn't think you'd go through so much trouble. But look on the bright side, you did catch it! And now we have a great story to tell over some ice-cold drinks.
(A brief pause. TEBA & LINK glance at each other and smirk. They slowly approach the princess.)
TEBA: (cracking his knuckles)
Yeah, we do have a story to tell. Have you heard the one about the princess and her pay day?
(LINK reaches inside his pouch and pulls out a slipper strap. He folds it and snaps it like a belt. It even makes the sound of a belt.)
ZELDA: (backing away nervously)
Oh, come now, guys! It was only a tiny fib. No need for any roughhousing, right? Right?
(TEBA & LINK chase ZELDA throughout the village as she screams for help.)
END