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She is staring agape at the scene in front of her and can't quite believe this is reality. Two children are playing on the grass, laughing and pointing at the rising sun. She has to remind herself that these children are hers. She is the mother . But, these simple facts aren’t quite forming in her head so she just watches kids.
"Up early again?"
She can swear she hears someone's voice, but prefers to ignore it, considering it as yet another mind game. Her mind's been playing cruel tricks on her and she doesn't want to feel it again.
"Jemma?"
She jumps a little and turns around, just to meet her husband's worried glance. He smiles a little and a wave of confidence and safety washes over Jemma. She smiles too.
"I couldn't sleep, and so neither could Anna Marie and Steve. So I let them play outside and watch the sunrise," Jemma explains softly and turns away, watching the little girl and older boy studying something in their hands. "Why are you awake so early, Leo?"
Her voice is quiet and emotionless, and Leo knows this is the version of Jemma he is worried about. Despite his fears, he joins her in watching their kids and the sunrise. He winks when notices his son waving at them, whilst Jemma's face remains emotionless.
"I woke up and didn't find you in bed," Leo simply answers. "Nightmares again?"
Jemma hums and he can't understand if she said "yes" or "no". So, he sighs and takes a step closer to his wife, and moves his hand to hold hers. She flinches, but lets him hold her cold hand anyway. A few minutes later, she finally makes herself smile and turns her head to him.
"Tell me the riddle?"
Leo snaps his head at her and suddenly can't breathe. She looks so beautiful in the light of the rising sun, just like when he met her. But there is a huge gap between that and this Jemma and it terrifies him. But she is waiting, and taking a deep breath, he retells the riddle which brought them together.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
You are waiting for a train. A train that'll take you far away.
You know where you hope this train will take you. But you can't know for sure.
Yet, it doesn't matter.
There is a handsome guy with sandy curls sitting in front of her and she can't concentrate on her book, for he is constantly flashing her a look, a little smile on his face. He types something on his tablet and she swallows hard when her eyes fall on his long dexterous fingers. She bites her bottom lip and returns to reading, but few minutes later she notices him spying on her again. She fixes her glasses with a forefinger and coughs. The guy leans forward, but she tries not to notice that.
"I will tell you a riddle," he says and she looks up. The stranger leans closer with a completely serious facial impression. She also notices his accent and wonders if she would be able to ask where exactly in Scotland he is from. "You are waiting for a train. A train that will take you far away. You know where you hope that train will take you, but you can't be sure. Yet, it doesn't matter.” At the end of a riddle he smiles, but then becomes serious again. "Now, tell me why?"
She is absolutely fascinated by the way he speaks and his deep blue eyes and it takes a few more minutes before she finally remembers that he is waiting for an answer.
"Um... because the ticket I bought is actually a gift from my dad?" She smiles awkwardly and shrugs, making him grin.
"Wanna know the answer?"
"Yes, please."
He leans closer and smiles with his best smile. "Because we'll be together."
She lets out a harsh laugh and puts away her book, the story long forgotten. He looks very pleased by his attempt to get a girl's attention and it looks like he had succeeded at it.
"I am an utter shite at flirting. I am really sorry," he laughs and leans back.
"What? No! I actually liked the riddle," she hurries to reassure him and extends her hand for a handshake. "I am Jemma Simmons. Or just Jemma."
"Leo Fitz. Or just Fitz." His palm is warm against hers and she giggles when he winks at her.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
She locked away a secret, deep inside herself, something she once knew to be true...
but chose to forget.
"You must be fucking kidding me," he hisses as she stares at him, her eyes wide. She looks forbidding and Fitz thinks this is a nightmare. At least, he wants to believe that it is.
"Fitz, please, listen to me," Jemma begs and steps forward. "I know how it sounds, but..."
"But what? What else have you hidden from me, Jemma!?" When his voice almost breaks, he has to remind himself that their children are downstairs and they will hear every shout. "What did you do, Jemma?" He asks, more calmly.
"I... I hid something. Locked it in the safe, when you were sleeping and I... I don't remember the code."
She sounds like she is sorry, but deep down Fitz knows that she isn't. He can read people very well, and his wife is not the exception. He suddenly feels sick to his stomach and sits down on their king size bed, covering his face with hands. A few seconds later, he feels her sit down next to him.
"Leo. It is okay. I am fine. Let's call it... an experiment. I swear, I will be fine." She is as optimistic as ever, but Leo knows nothing will ever be the same again. Still, he just nods and feels her arms embrace him.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Limbo became her reality.
I knew something was wrong with her.
She just wouldn't admit it.
He watches her from the living room and tries to find something familiar in her appearance. She cut her hair. Gained a little weight - the result of giving birth to their children. His eyes fall on little girl and a boy, who are too oblivious to any change in their mother. To his eyes, she looks too exhausted and depressed, though she would never admit it.
"Mama, pass the cheese, please." Their son, Steve, smiles and stares at his mother expectantly. Jemma snaps her head at the child and takes a deep breath.
"Steve? What are you doing here?" She sounds surprised and Leo can hear the tone she uses to scold children when they are misbehaving. "You should have left for school twenty minutes ago!"
Steve frowns and opens his mouth to retort. But, before he does that, Leo hurries to the kitchen and grasps Jemma's hand. She hisses but allows her husband to take something away from her. Something that she hadn't noticed before. A silver knife falls to the floor and Jemma blinks a few times, looking at it.
"Steve, take Anna Marie and go for a walk, okay?" Leo’s voice is shattering, but Steve understands. He takes the little girl's hand and pulls her outside, leaving their parents alone.
Only when Leo makes sure their kids are out of sight, he squeezes Jemma's shoulders and shakes her violently. "Have you gone mad? Jemma! Hey, I'm talking to you!"
He doesn't care about the way he is talking to her because he sees something in her eyes that doesn't look like Jemma. He never raises his voice, but something is wrong and Leo knows he won't know the truth unless he plays dirty.
"You don't understand!" Jemma hisses and shakes his hands off of her shoulders. "It is not real! Don't you see that?"
"See what?" Leo growls in response. "That you were holding a fucking knife? What were you doing to do with it?"
"I don't know! I... I think I was... going to wake up..."
"You what? What are you talking about? You are not dreaming, Jemma."
"But I am!"
She finally screams and Leo takes step back, staring at his wife.
"You told me it would be fine," Fitz whispers and tears fill his eyes, mirroring his wife ones. "You told me you were fine. What happened, Jemma? What made you think you were sleeping?"
She opens and closes her mouth aimlessly, like a fish, trying to explain her actions, but the words don’t come out. Leo tries to find something familiar in her… but can't. Something has gone wrong, and he can't. She seems so unfamiliar, so unknown, like the strangers he always meets at his job. It terrifies him.
"Jemma." His voice is raspy and she shuts her eyes not to see tears in his. "What went wrong? Tell me, why did you think you were dreaming?" He is begging now, tears streaming down his face. But, she remains calm, far too calm and it makes him wonder where did his Jemma go.
She takes a deep breath and slowly opens her eyes. "It is not real. I just know it. Why don't you want to understand? Everything that surrounds us…” She turns around, pointing her hand towards nothing in particular. "These are all projections."
Fitz feels his heart sink. That old familiar feeling of panic and fear start gripping his chest and his vision starts to become blurry. He never thought he would hear something like this from Jemma. His darling, beautiful and smart wife who started this experiment and swore she would be fine.
"Jemma." His voice is weak and he takes one step closer to Jemma. "Jemma, baby, it is not. We are not dreaming. Everything is real. Our cottage, children..."
"They are not!" Jemma yells, and it somehow makes Fitz stronger. He straightens up and shakes his head defiantly.
"What are you talking about? Anna Marie and Steve are our children; they are as real as you are!"
"Don't you think I don't see the difference? I am their mother!"
Clenching his jaw, Leo swallows hard and turns away from her, clenching hands into fists. "We will talk when you'll be more or less in your fucking mind!" He snaps and leaves a furious Jemma standing in the kitchen alone.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
She was possessed by an idea, this one, very simple idea, that changed everything.
That she needed to wake up to come back to reality.
"Hey, Leo?"
Fitz turns his head to the right and smiles, looking into his wife's eyes. They are the color of dark honey, but he still can see the light, just like on that day when he met her. "Yeah?"
Jemma sighs heavily and leans down to place a kiss on his stubbled jawline. Then she sits up straight and stares at the wall in front of her. "I know you don’t like talking about it - hate, even - but I think... I think it is time to wake up."
She sounds exhausted and depressed and weak and Leo just can't be angry at her anymore. He knows this is all his fault. He knows that if he hadn't suggested to this new method of controlling dreams, everything would be just fine. So he takes her hand softly and rubs her knuckles, watching Jemma's bare back. "Did you come up with this right now? Or you have you had this idea for a long time?"
Jemma lets out a shaky breath and turns her head, her eyes full of fear. "I was possessed by this idea for a long time,” she admits in a whisper.
"And what do have to do, in order to wake up?" Fitz wonders, carefully studying Jemma's reaction. Tears blink in her eyes as her breath hitches.
"We need to... I need to..." she closes her eyes and purses her lips and then something clicks in Leo's head.
"You need to kill yourself." His voice was almost a whisper, but it is loud enough to hear.
"But I can't do that," Jemma rushes to say. "I just love you too much. You and our kids. I can't leave you."
It is nice to hear. Despite their fights, big and small, despite everything that has put their relationship at the risk - she still loves him. She is one of those people who isn’t really good with words, and neither is he. That's why body language solves it all. But sometimes, in moments like this, it is very important to hear love confessions, which is what Leo has missed the most.
"I love you too, Jem.” He smiles and tugs his wife, making her lie down. She crawls beside him, listening to the sound of his steady heartbeat. "I am glad you told me that. We haven't been actually... honest with each other lately."
Jemma chuckles lightly and then hums softly. "I am scared, Fitz."
"Yeah." He hugs her tighter. "Me too. But we will make it. We always will."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"Because we will be together?"
He smiles and she grins in return. She is as beautiful as she was that day. Glasses long forgotten and hair cut shoulder length. Even if there is no light in her hazel eyes, he knows she is fighting. She is distant and very cautious about herself and the world, but he knows that his Jemma will make it.
"I thought it is because your ticket was your dad's gift?" He smirks, nudging her shoulder.
She tisks and rolls her eyes, then returns her attention to the kids playing outside . Deep inside, she still thinks she is dreaming. Deep inside, she feels guilty for not telling her husband the whole truth, that her totem is infinitely moving inside the safe in their summerhouse. But, the experiment is worth it. And yet, she asks him what she wanted to ask long ago.
"Will I fix it?"
He lets out a sigh and gently hugs her from behind, his rough hands finding their way under her t-shirt. She smiles and leans back, closing her eyes.
"We’ll fix this," he replies. "Together."