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Stalking and Other Questionable Morals
Lavender Brown’s Guide to Marriage
Armed with an Invisibility Cloak she may or may not have illegally borrowed from her last boyfriend, Lavender Brown is on a mission. Her goal? Make Cormac McLaggen fall madly in love with her.
Dhalia
Eternal love, commitment
#stalking
Lavender Brown was in a slight pickle, so to speak, but she was not yet deterred from her task. From underneath the Invisibility Cloak, Lavender was watching as one Cormac McLaggen left the Ministry and began his walk to the apparition point. He only lived a few blocks from the Ministry, but why walk home when one could apparate! It was something Lavender also firmly believed in – one of the many ways she knew that they were destined for each other.
She watched as he sauntered down the street, his blonde hair being tousled ever so gently by the wind. Cormac McLaggen was a tall specimen of a wizard, which was perfect as Lavender was of perfectly average height herself, so in his presence she was still able to feel small and dainty (every woman’s goal). His shoulders were broad and his thighs were proof that he still spent many hours flying atop a broomstick. In a word, he was perfect and Lavender couldn’t wait to marry him.
The only flaw with her plan, however, was that he currently didn’t know that he wanted to marry her and pop out a few babies. It was a little annoying, actually, Lavender thought as she readjusted the Invisibility Cloak to hide her feet as she followed Cormac down the street. Lavender had decided a few weeks prior that Cormac McLaggen was it – the wizard she was going to marry. Yet, it was proving to be a much more difficult task than she had anticipated.
Lavender noticed him at the Annual Interdepartmental Quidditch tryouts that were held every spring, but little did the players know, they were actually auditioning for the role of Lavender’s husband-to-be. It was how she found her last boyfriend, Kieran, the year prior. This year though Lavender went into the tryouts much more determined and with more reason to truly find her future husband – she was getting old.
Lavender Brown has always loved love which is why she was so concerned over being disastrously single. How was she still single? All she wanted was to love a man, get married, and have multiple children. Honestly, any man – particularly a pureblood – should be lining up at the door of her flat simply vying for her affections. She was Lavender fucking Brown.
Yet, here she was, three and twenty, an absolute spinster in the pureblood society, single and alone with nothing but a Pygmy Puff named Ralph and a flat she shared with her best friend, Parvati Patil.
It all began with Ronald Weasley, her beau in sixth year at Hogwarts, and things would have gone perfectly well had it not been for Hermione Granger and her horrid mess of curls. Honestly, Lavender had tried for years to get Hermione to try a Sleekeazy potion, or to let her teach her how to properly curl her hair, but no. Lavender was always met with scowls and dirty looks by that insufferable swot. She wasn’t even that pretty, if Lavender was being honest. Yet, she pulled Ron away from her, Lavender’s beloved Won-Won at the time, and then dumped him after the Battle of Hogwarts, choosing instead to entangle herself with Draco sodding Malfoy during eighth year. Lavender was still blown away by that bit of information. Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger. The whole situation was beyond words, and Lavender had a lot of words.
After Ron, there was a bit of a lull. Seventh Year was a bit of a hindrance to Lavender’s dating given the Death Eater takeover of the school, but she did her best and wound up dating Michael Corner for a few months. He was sweet, but inevitably too boring for Lavender’s tastes. She was a Gryffindor after all.
Post Hogwarts graduation there were a few different gentlemen, but none who really had the zest of life in them that Lavender was looking for. There was David Holmes, a few years her senior, who she’d met at a Divination for Lovers class she’d signed up for. She had thought she’d finally found a man interested in the same topics as her, but alas, he was only there to try and pick up women. After David there was Cornivus Bulstrode, Millicent’s older brother, but after a few months of dating he realized he preferred men. Lavender didn’t let that deter her though and began dating Benjamin Applebee, a Hufflepuff who had been a year below her at Hogwarts. Benjamin was a lovely boyfriend for the most part, but he had a penchant for gambling that Lavender refused to be a part of. After Benjamin was her last boyfriend, Kieran Stanmore, an Irish Auror who seemed to be her OTL – her one true love.
Kieran was wonderful. He was a hard worker, didn’t hold Lavender’s love for Divination against her, and had a wonderful career going for him at the Auror’s office. They went on dates, he met her parents, and she was staying over at his flat several days a week. The problem? He had a girlfriend already and Marlene Singh was not very understanding when she found Lavender’s knickers in the wash.
So, Lavender found herself single once again and once again she was on the market to find a nice, handsome wizard to marry. This time, however, she wasn’t waiting for a man to find her. No. Instead, she already knew the man she wanted and she just had to wait for him to realize that he wanted her as well. She didn’t know why she hadn’t thought of him before – pureblood, blonde, tall, good job at the Ministry. Cormac McLaggen was everything Lavender was hoping to find in a husband and she wasn’t going to let him go. There was just one minor problem that was getting in the way of her future marriage – he wasn’t noticing her.
Lavender wasn’t even sure how it was possible that he wasn’t noticing her, but for some reason he didn’t look twice in her direction when they were in the same room together. Clearly, that meant only one thing – Lavender had to begin to casually integrate herself into his life and make him think that fate kept bringing them together, but first she needed to make doubly-sure that he was the right fit for the role.
It all started innocently enough. While dating Kieran, Lavender had accidentally come to be in possession of his Invisibility Cloak. She had always intended to return it, but the opportunity somehow never presented itself so the cloak remained in her closet, just waiting to be used. The first time Lavender used the cloak was when she decided to follow Cormac around the Ministry while he was working – just to try and get a general idea of how his days went. She noticed how he arrived between nine o’clock and nine-fifteen every morning to his office in Magical Games and Sports. He would begin by clearing out his inbox and whatever had accumulated since he left the office the day before, then he would always go talk to the secretaries and inquire about their evenings – he was so thoughtful that way.
After work he had a variety of different activities that he took part in. On Tuesdays and Thursdays he practiced with the interdepartmental Quidditch league he was a part of – their games alternated every other Thursday or Saturday. On Mondays and Wednesdays he hit the Ministry gym before heading home. Fridays he usually wound up at the Leaky Cauldron after work with his colleagues. OR – and Lavender hated this part – he would go on a date.
Lavender used that information and tried to insert herself into his life by just happening to be where he was, but it had yet to work. Sure, he would say hello when he passed her, but other than that – nothing. No recognition that they went to school together, no extra-special wink that he offered his secretaries every day, no inkling that he saw her for more than a stranger passing the halls of the Ministry. It was like he didn’t even realize how hard she had to work at showing up to the Ministry every day, even though her job was in Diagon at Witch Weekly as a fashion columnist. Well… the backup fashion columnist. It pained her to say that she was a glorified secretary.
Alright. She was a secretary at Witch Weekly.
It was of no importance though because Lavender knew that once she was married she would be a stay at home mother who raised her children while her husband went to work. Plus, if she married Cormac it wasn’t like they’d need the money – the McLaggens had deep pockets. They were no Malfoys by any means, much more nouveau riche, but there was money to be had!
The second time that Lavender used her ex-boyfriend’s invisibility cloak was when she began stalking – following – Cormac to his end of the week happy hours at the Leaky. The happy hours were actually very informative and Lavender lucked out because Magical Games and Sports tended to sit in the booths by the back corner and there was a perfect spot for Lavender to stand, invisible, without the possibility of being bumped into.
During these happy hours, Lavender learned that Cormac was a big supporter of the Pureblood custom that involved flower language. Lavender loved flower language almost as much as she loved Divination and it was at that moment that she realized she and Cormac had yet another thing in common. Cormac told his coworkers that he always greeted his dates with flowers and he’d pick specific flowers for each different girl based on his thoughts about how well the date would go.
Lavender took this information and ran with it. The next day she had a beautiful bouquet of, of course, lavender. Lavender meant purity, serenity, and devotion – among other things. Plus, he’d obviously think of her when he saw the lavender. Since she couldn’t just have one flower in her bouquet, she also added in white roses for new beginnings and baby’s breath for everlasting love. She was beyond certain that this tactic was going to work.
It didn’t.
From underneath Kieran's cloak she saw the bouquet get delivered and, while he was pleased, he just assumed it was from a random admirer. Which it absolutely was not! It was from Lavender fucking Brown. Perhaps she should have left a card.
She kept trying though. No, Lavender was nothing if not determined. He would catch on, she was sure of it.
Over the next two weeks Lavender had several different bouquets sent to him, a few she even brought in herself after sneaking past his secretaries. It gave her hope that the portraits on the wall seemed to be on her side.
“Oh, another flower delivery!” The photo of the mermaid squealed. “They do just get better and better, don’t they?”
“Do we think it’s too much?” Lavender fluffed up the irises of her newest bouquet as she settled them right in the center of Cormac’s desk.
“Not at all!” The half-naked wood sprite declared. “Keep going and he’s sure to make the connection for you. We’re all rooting for you! You’re a much better option than that Vane girl.”
Lavender froze. “Vane?”
“Yes, that Romilda. She just barges right into the office whenever she pleases.”
Lavender gasped in horror. “How often does she show up here?”
The portrait of a rather hefty looking man cleared his throat. “Now, now, don’t fret. She only shows up around every other day.”
“Every other day? What does she do when she’s here?”
“Oh, she puts on a rather lovely performance. Those low cut tops –”
“Yes!” The wood sprite agreed. “Those tops are far too scandalous for a pureblood. I’m not surprised he hasn’t taken her up on her offers to meet for drinks. He is far too proper.”
Lavender took this information home with her and sat on it for a while. She needed to center herself and take a look into her future. Once Parvati came home from work, Lavender accosted her.
“I need to know if I’m wasting my time with Cormac. I don’t think I am – he’s perfect for me, but things are just not going well, Parv.”
“We need tea leaves,” Parvati declared.
“No,” Lavender disagreed. “We need the crystal ball.”
So the girls brought out their crystal ball and amidst the swirls of smoke and glitter it became very clear to the both of them that Lavender’s intuition was not misguided – Cormac was in her future.
“I’ve always thought that your auras blended beautifully,” said Parvati.
“Of course they do!” Lavender agreed. “If our auras didn’t blend then he wouldn’t even be an option.”
“Too, true,” Parvati nodded sagely.
“Now, what do I do about Romilda?”
Parvati smiled evilly. “We do what we do best, Lav. Sabotage.”
The girls planned out Romilda’s downfall over a pint of chocolate raspberry swirl ice cream from Fortescue’s. Lavender knew from her own experience that Romilda would be at the interdepartmental quidditch match on Saturday, but what she did not know was that Romilda had ulterior motives that matched her own.
On Saturday, Lavender and Parvati were arm in arm as they went to cheer on Magical Games and Sports vs the Department of Mysteries. Lavender took extra notice that Romilda was sitting in the highest stand, with her breasts practically falling out of a very small, very tight blouse. Honestly, it was indecent.
After the match, Lavender and Parvati (and Romilda) went down to the section of the pitch by the locker rooms where the players would come out. Lavender nearly swooned as Cormac exited the locker rooms, hair still damp from his after-match shower. She went to go up and congratulate him on an impressive number of saves as his team’s Keeper, but was pushed out of the way by Romilda and her breasts.
“Oh, Cormac,” the other girl giggled. “You did such an amazing job Keeping today. I loved how –”
It was at that moment that Parvati inconspicuously aimed her wand at Romilda and conjured a frog to jump out of Romilda’s decolletage. Romilda and Cormac both screamed in a shrieking pitch, the latter jumping so far back that he bumped into a waiting Lavender.
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” he exclaimed as Lavender stumbled to the side.
“It’s no worries! How horrid! I don’t do well with amphibians,” Lavender declared. “How odd to keep a frog in one’s shirt.”
“Yes, unless I’m brewing a potion, which I do dabble with on occasion, I don’t have a use for frogs,” Cormac agreed, puffing his chest out as the mention of his potioneering.
Ministry work, Quidditch, potions – he really could do it all! It took all of Lavender’s willpower to not swoon.
Lavender batted her eyelashes up at him. “You’re so multi-talented, Cormac!”
“Thank you. Say, is that a rose in your hair?”
It was indeed a rose in her hair, tucked behind one ear and into her braid. Roses convey romantic interest and Lavender was not messing around.
“I have a… particular interest in flower language, you know,” Lavender said coyly, wrapping the end of her braid around her finger. “Do you know much about it?”
Cormac quickly nodded his head. “Of course I do! Flower language may be a dying art form, but I for one am particularly fond of the thought behind the flowers.”
“So you know what roses mean?” Lavender said as she took a step closer to him.
“Oh, absolutely. Romantic interest. Hey,” he stopped short and gave her a broad grin. “You should be careful wearing flowers around like that lest someone think you were romantically interested in them.”
Before Lavender could say another word, a teammate of Cormac’s whistled and gestured for him to hurry up.
“I have to run, but it was great running into you…?”
“Lavender,” she said with a little giggle. “Lavender Brown.”
“Right! I’ll see you around, Lavender. Be careful wearing those flowers!”
As soon as he was out of earshot Lavender let her smile fall and scowled in Parvati’s direction.
“Perhaps,” Parvati said gently, “We need to be more direct.”
Which is how Lavender wound up back under the invisibility cloak and following Cormac home from the Ministry. If she showed up at his house he’d simply have to pay attention to her. The only real question was how to get to his house. She didn’t know exactly where he lived because he always apparated and the Ministry was rather tight-lipped when it came to handing out employee information – she tried asking.
Cormac was nearing the apparition point and she was about to lose her chance! Lavender didn’t even stop to think, instead she just threw off the cloak, took a giant leap and –
Crack!
When they reappeared it was in a tangle of limbs, Lavender on top of Cormac’s back as he lay on the ground outside of a posh looking home.
“What in the name of Merlin?” Cormac began as Lavender scrambled off of his back. “Lavender?”
“Oh my goodness, Cormac I’m so so sorry! I was walking and then I must have tripped as you apparated! I could have splinched us both!”
“Oh,” he said looking rather dazed, whether from Lavender’s beauty or the way she fell on him she was uncertain.
“Are you alright, Cormac?”
“Yes, are you? Godric, it’s like you came right out of nowhere. You just… fell into my lap.” He was eyeing her rather peculiarly and Lavender was sure this was it. The jig was up.
“We do seem to keep running into each other,” she admitted.
Cormac reached out and grabbed Lavender’s small, smooth hand. “It’s almost like fate,” he said with a smile. “Like the world has been putting you in my sight for a reason.”
“Oh, Cormac!” Lavender breathed, not willing to trust anything just yet. She was so used to failing, but –
“I think this is a sign that I should take you to dinner, Lavender. What say you?”
Lavender’s heart was so full she wondered if it would burst wide open. She smiled up at Cormac with her biggest, most attractive smile.
“I’d love to.”
***
It was a beautiful summer day, Lavender’s hair was falling in blonde waves down her back. Her dress was a lacey masterpiece with billowing sleeves. Cormac looked ever so handsome as he stood at the end of the aisle, smiling broadly at her. She began walking towards him, a carefully picked out bouquet in her arms starring dahlia’s – for eternal love and commitment.
She had always known this day would come. Sure, Cormac still didn’t know the exact extremes that Lavender went through to get them to the altar, but what he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. All that mattered now is that they were together and in just a little while they would be man and wife.
Just like she always wanted.
And they lived happily ever after.