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Hinata had thought, foolishly, that maybe since no one else from his junior high was going to this high school that no one would find out. He didn’t even know how they had found out. But they did. He’d heard them whispering. He’d seen it on their faces. They knew.
He felt like he couldn’t breathe and he stumbled out to a deserted courtyard. The weather had been bad so people weren’t lingering around outside after school.
They knew. He felt like all of his worst fears were coming true. He needed to get to practice but they knew. They would tell others and then everyone would know. Including the team. It’d be just like junior high, except it wouldn’t be. It’d be worse. Because now he knew what it was like not to have everyone looking at him like that. Because now he knew how good it felt when people used his name and called him their team mate.
A noise behind him startled him and he turned to see the boys from earlier coming out. He wanted to hide, wanted the ground to just open up and swallow him, but they had already spotted him and the ground remained firm under his feet.
“Hey Hinata I heard you’re really a girl” said one of the boys as the group approached.
“I’m not.” Hinata said, his fists were clenched so hard they were trembling with the tension.
“But my cousin went to junior high with you and she said you were. She said you started to pretend to be a boy but that you were definitely a girl because she’d seen you change in the girls locker room.” Said one of the others. They were getting close. Their tones were light but it all felt so so threatening.
“I’m not a girl” Hinata said again. His voice seemed more feminine to him then it had for months. He hated it.
“But his cousin said your name used to be-”
“I’m not a girl!” Hinata yelled cutting him off. He was pretty sure he was crying and he wasn’t sure when that had happened. He closed his eyes. He just wanted them to stop. He wanted them to leave. He wanted to get this all over with.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing to my kouhai?” It was Tanaka’s voice, and when Hinata opened his eyes the second year was looming over the first year boys surrounding him. He wasn’t making his “scary” face for once but the serious expression on his face somehow seemed a lot scarier.
“Shit” “An upperclassman” “We were just talking” They all scrambled to talk at once.
“Like hell you were.” Tanaka said. His glare never faltering. “Leave.”
“But-” one of them started to say.
“I said leave.”
The boys practically ran from the courtyard.
Hinata still couldn’t stop the tears rolling down his cheeks. He was grateful that Tanaka had made the other boys go away but, there was no way Tanaka had missed what was being said. Even if he only caught part of it, he’d figure it out. Tanaka may suck in school but he wasn’t dumb.
It was over. It was all over. He couldn’t look at Tanaka. Didn’t want to see what expression he had on his face when he turned back from watching the others go. He didn’t know why Tanaka had helped him, but even if he didn’t hate him things could never go back to the way they were. Tanaka would know. He wouldn’t want to sleep in the same room for away games, he wouldn’t want to get ready in the same locker room. It wouldn’t be long till everyone knew.
They’d probably ask him to quit the team.
He was pulled out of his spiraling thoughts by Tanaka’s hand on his cheek, gently brushing away the tears. Hinata was surprised by the expression on his team mate’s face. He wasn’t sure exactly what it was but it was definitely not any of the possibilities Hinata’s brain had come up with. The expression felt like the hand on his cheek, warm, kind, sympathetic. There was no sign of the fear, surprise, or disgust that Hinata had expected.
“Come on” Tanaka said. His calloused hand slipping from Hinata’s cheek and wrapping around his hand.
“Let’s get you cleaned up and then we’ll head to practice.” Hinata’s body followed Tanaka without him telling it to. His brain was whirling, trying to process what was going on and this weird reaction. Maybe Tanaka hadn’t figured it out yet? That was the only thing Hinata could think of to explain this reaction. Tanaka was treating him so normally, surely he’d be freaking out if he had realized.
Tanaka guided Hinata into one of the boys bathrooms, solidifying Hinata’s conviction that Tanaka hadn’t heard or hadn’t understood. As Tanaka set about wetting some paper towels with cool water and pressing them lightly to Hinata’s burning cheeks and red eyes, Hinata made up his mind. He couldn’t do anything about what those first years would do. But maybe since Tanaka hadn’t realized yet, maybe he could buy himself a bit more time. Time before this all came crashing down around him.
“T- Thank you Tanaka Senpai” he stumbled out. His voice was shaky.
“No problem” Tanaka said smiling brilliantly as he continued to clean up the evidence of Hinata’s earlier tears. “What kind of Senpai would I be if I didn’t help my kouhai out when he needs me?”
“P- Please don’t tell them.” He was so nervous he felt like he was going to throw up. “D-Daichi-san and the others. P-Please don’t tell them about this.”
Tanaka’s hands paused, and he tried to catch Hinata’s eyes, his expression serious. Hinata couldn’t look at him. Would he refuse? Would this make him think harder about what had happened earlier?
Finally giving up on catching Hinata’s eyes with a sigh, Tanaka straightened from his slightly bent position, his arms falling to his side.
“I wont say anything you don’t want me to.” Tanaka said and relief flooded over Hinata. Even if the other boys started spreading this it wouldn’t get to the team before practice. That meant he’d have at least one more practice before this all fell apart. He still couldn’t believe that Tanaka had missed what was going on earlier.
“But you know, it’d be okay if they found out” Tanaka continued. “You’re our team mate, you’re still our team mate regardless of if you’re trans or not.”
Hinata couldn’t breathe. He felt like he’d been punched in the gut. Tanaka knew. He’d heard, he’d figured it out, he knew. Hinata didn’t know how to process the way Tanaka was reacting to this.
“Besides,” Tanaka said rubbing the back of his neck with one hand. “The second and third years already know.”
“What?” Hinata’s hands are shaking. They already knew? But they had all acted so normally. They called him by his name. They used the right pronouns. They had never given him a weird look. His brain can’t process this.
“Well yeah.” Tanaka is watching him carefully. “You wear a binder, we’ve all seen it.”
When Kageyama had asked him about why he was always wearing it he’d told him it was his lucky undershirt, Kageyama had been grossed out but had believed him. He’d thought he’d been in the clear.
“I don’t know if any of the first years know, but the second and third years remember what those are from back when I used to wear them.”
Hinata’s brain sticks on the last part of what Tanaka said. His head whips around to stare at Tanaka so fast it hurts but Hinata doesn’t care because what does Tanaka mean ‘back when I used to wear them’?
“You… you’re trans?” Hinata asks. And he can’t stop staring. He’s never met anyone else. He’s never met another trans guy before. And he had no idea. Tanaka is the epitome of confidence and manliness in Hinata’s mind, and he had no idea.
Hope, feeling dangerous and wonderful, bubbles up inside him.
“Yeah” Tanaka says sheepishly. The back of his neck is probably red from being rubbed so much. “I thought you knew.”
Hinata shakes his head. He had no idea. He still can’t stop staring.
Tanaka snorts and covers his face with his hands.
“Stop staring, you’re too intense.” Tanaka says.
“It’s just… I’ve never met anyone else before… and you’re so cool senpai” Hinata says, letting the words tumble from his lips without meaning to.
Tanaka parts his fingers to stare at Hinata from behind his hands. Through the gaps Hinata can see that the second year is blushing slightly.
“You’ve met others.” He says. “You’ve known me all year, and you’ve known Suga for just as long and he’s agender and you know Yaku from Nekoma. He’s trans. And Shirofuku, one of Fukurodani’s managers, she’s trans also.”
“What?!” Hinata says excitedly. “They’re all trans too? I had no idea.”
“I’m sorry we didn’t tell you sooner. We didn’t know you didn’t know. We figured you’d seen my scars so you knew about me and that you’d come talk to me when you were ready. I’m sorry we didn’t realize you hadn’t figured it out.”
“Scars?” Hinata asked confused.
Tanaka rolls his eyes and lifts his shirt. Hinata can see fading scars on Tanaka’s chest. They must be from top surgery Hinata realizes. He’d never thought about it before.
Tanaka lowers his shirt laughing.
“You really are dense sometimes did you know that?” Tanaka says, ruffling Hinata’s hair with one hand.
“We should probably get to practice or Daichi will be angry.” Tanaka says. He starts cleaning up, throwing the paper towels away and washing his hands.
The color fades from Hinata’s face and the anxiety returns. Just because this went so well with Tanaka doesn’t mean it will be as easy with the rest of the team.
“Hey, stop worrying” Tanaka says when he spots Hinata’s facial expression. “I won’t say anything if you don’t want me to.”
Tanaka’s statement eases only a small part of his anxiety. It’s only a matter of time before they find out even if Tanaka doesn’t tell anyone. If what Tanaka says is true, that the second and third years have always known, then they’ll probably still treat him the same. But that still leaves the other first years.
He doesn’t want things to get worse between him and Tsukishima and he’d be upset if Yamaguchi reacted badly, but who he most needs to be ok with this is Kageyama. What if Kageyama refuses to toss to him because of this?
“If you want I could tell the first years-” Tanaka starts, watching Hinata carefully, Hinata can feel the panic building inside him. “-about me. That way if it does get out about you they’ll already have some experience with what to do.”
That- that actually sounds really nice. Because that’s what happened with the second and third years right? They already knew about Tanaka so it wasn’t a big deal when Hinata came along. But he can’t ask Tanaka to do that, he feels horrible and panicky at the thought of anyone finding out how can he ask Tanaka to willingly go through that?
“I really wouldn’t mind.” Tanaka says, he’s still watching Hinata carefully but there’s a lightness to his voice that suggests that he’s trying to lighten things up. “After all, I am you’re super cool Senpai. These kinds of things don’t bother me anymore.”
“They don’t?” Hinata asks.
“Not at all.” Tanaka says shaking his head. Hinata can’t even imagine feeling that way.
“In that case… Senpai would you please do that for me.” Hinata asks bowing to the other boy.
Tanaka laughs.
“Of course Hinata-chan” Tanaka says. “Now we really should get going… but before we go…”
“Can I have a hug?” Tanaka asks. His face is calm, like it’d be ok whatever Hinata says.
“Of course senpai” Hinata responds and is immediately enveloped in Tanaka’s arms. The hug is warm and comforting, and everything Hinata hadn’t realized he needed right then.
“I’m so proud of you Hinata-chan.” Tanaka says into Hinata’s hair giving him one final squeeze before letting him go.
Hinata does terribly in practice. His head is swimming with too many new things. Kageyama yells at him a lot and he gets hit in the face with the volleyball even more than usual. But as he heads home after practice he’s never felt better.