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Simon was very much aware that Wille’s mental health was pretty bad. The boy had already been filled with anxiety when they had met and understandable Erik’s death and the video had not made things better in any way. In fact, basically, nothing that had happened last semester had any positive effect on Wille’s mental health. It was just an endless downward spiral. Simon had no delusion that Wille would not be doing well when the spring semester started, he had mentally prepared himself during the Christmas holidays. But still, he was not prepared when he arrived for the first lesson on Monday.
Upon seeing Wille’s hunched form in the last row of tables, tucked into the corner as if to disappear into the wall guilt overwhelmed him again. Because it wasn’t his fault, it wasn’t, he knew he was justified, knew that he had made the right decision, but still, it felt like his fault and his brain repeated the endless spiral of what he could have done better so that it would not have turned out this way. As he sat next down to Sara he could not rid the image of Wille’s tearstruck face from his mind when he had broken up with the boy. Was it really a breakup if you had never even discussed if you were in a relationship?
It became apparent very quickly that Wille was not interested in paying attention to the class or engaging with any person in it. Thanks to his title the teachers at least left him alone when his disinterest became apparent. It took everything in Simon to not turn around every few minutes and when the bell rang to end the class he could remember nothing of what they had talked about. Sara promised to explain it to him during workies and he trailed off while thanking her to look at Wille who was leaving the classroom. He carried one notebook and a singular pencil. He wasn’t looking in Simon’s direction, he wasn’t looking at anyone actually, his head bowed low as if to avoid any attention, but still Simon couldn’t look away. They had not spent a long time together, constantly interrupted by the next earth-shattering event, but Simon dared to say that he knew Wille at least better than all their classmates combined. Wille always liked to make himself small, to not grasp attention and slip away before people could try to talk to him but still, this did not look like Wille. He didn’t look overwhelmed, he looked indifferent.
Before everything went wrong, even after everything went wrong Simon could always rely on feeling Wille’s eyes on him. In class, at lunch, and during workies. When they were in the same room Wille would inevitably look at him, as reliable as the earth rotating around the sun. And Simon had gotten used to the feeling of Wille’s eyes on him, had relished in it so it felt as if someone had thrown him into ice water when they were suddenly gone. He used to catch Wille when he turned to him, now when Simon looked at the boy there was no sheepish smile or blush, Wille didn’t even notice.
And so Simon observed from far away, he had not dared talk to Wille, having been serious about needing some space, but neither did Wille try to talk to him. He didn’t even look at him. It was as if he did not exist for him anymore. A part of him should have been relieved that Wille honoured his boundaries, but the larger part of him quickly realised that this was not honouring boundaries but simply self-isolating.
On one memorable occasion, Simon had watched Felice trying to talk to Wille. He was not even sure if Wille had said something to her before walking away, but Felice had looked deeply concerned. Simon could understand that. He was pretty sure the two of them had become friends at the end of last semester. Felice’s concern proved that, Wille’s indifference only proved that something was wrong.
For weeks Simon watched as Wille walked the halls of Hillerska like a shadow. The teachers had given up on trying to get him to participate in class, and their classmates had stopped trying to involve him in conversations at lunch. Every time Simon got a glimpse of Wille’s eyes they were dull and lifeless. It made him realise that the person sitting a few seats away from him was nothing but a shell of the boy he fell in love with months ago. It made the guilt flare up even more. Every time Sara caught him watching Wille she threw him a disappointed look, it didn’t help the situation.
At some point the weather started to get warmer, sure, it was Sweden so calling it warm could be a lie, but at least Simon did not freeze his limbs off when walking to Hillerska from the bus stop. School had started to become a mere inconvenience again, he turned up, did all the things he was supposed to do and left again. His emotional attachment had been Wille, and the boy felt further away than ever before. Simon did not dare approach him, he had not shown a single time that he would appreciate it or that he was even thinking of Simon. Even Felice had slowly started to just leave him alone, Simon couldn’t tell if Wille was glad about that.
And then suddenly one day the boy walked in with a small smile on his face. Simon almost choked from the whiplash of seeing that smile for the first time in months. For a moment he wondered what had happened to immediately increase Wille’s mood like this but an overwhelming wave of relief overtook him and he pushed the thought away. The only thing that mattered was that the boy was better.
The next day Simon spotted Felice and Wille lounging at the fountain, seemingly enjoying the spring sun. Wille was giggling at something and Simon had to take a moment to get over hearing that noise again. He had missed it so much.
For the first time in ages, Wille sat down in his old seat right across from Simon. He looked up to see the boy tuck a strand of hair behind his ear and the longing to do it himself crashed into him. There was a shy, almost inaudible “Hej” directed his way and the tentative smile that followed shone like the sun itself.
Monday morning greeted him with sunshine and hope in the air. Sara raised an eyebrow at him as they walked to school and he waved her question away. The short conversation he and Wille had shared over lunch before the weekend had made him realise how dumb he had been to not talk to the boy earlier. He had missed him so much, and maybe they could start over again, and try to be friends. When he sat down next to his sister Wille’s seat was still empty.
It stayed empty for the rest of the day and before he could leave for lunch he was held back by Felice. Later he would not be able to remember how he got through the rest of the day. Every time he closed his eyes there was a headline screaming at him. Crown Prince Wilhelm hospitalised after Suicide Attempt
He faintly remembered an article he had read at some point.
Sometimes the decision to end their life can uplift a person. They might suddenly seem happy and lively again. They might seek out people they had previously avoided. They might engage in activities they used to like. This leads to the people close to them ignoring warning signs as they are overwhelmed with relief and happiness at a supposed sign of improvement.