Work Text:
hold me at a distance
i can feel you phasing me out
sensitive, honey revenge
when san wakes up, he expects the other side of the bed to be cold. it’s been a few weeks since he and seonghwa have woken up beside each other. san is actually beginning to realize that his boyfriend has been pulling away. san feels like he’s being held at a distance, being kept out of some loop. seonghwa has been busy for a while, working harder than he ever had before, and san has asked about it and has been met with vague answers and terms he doesn’t understand. being an accountant is something san knows absolutely nothing about, so when seonghwa explains why he’s coming home at two in the morning and leaves a few hours later, san just accepts it.
but a month into seonghwa being gone all day consistently, san stops pushing his negative thoughts away and gives in. for the last few weeks, san has woken up with a pit of dread in his stomach. something is happening, something is wrong, but he doesn’t know where to start untangling the mess he’s in. san now feels like he can’t even reach his boyfriend anymore. he texts him during the work day, asks how he’s doing, with no responses. he feels like he’s rotting on the same shelves as the dinner he leaves in the fridge for seonghwa every night. that’s what he’s feeling. not dread. it feels like he’s rotting, like there’s mold in his gut, like he’s being left behind.
the apartment is freezing cold when he eventually gets out of bed, leaving a trail of goosebumps across his skin. it’s so quiet without seonghwa around. there’s no tinkering with the coffee machine, no sweet little hums while the older makes breakfast. san doesn’t think he’ll be making more than one portion of dinner tonight.
it’s his day off from his job, so he decides to mope around the silent apartment. he throws himself onto the couch in the living room and turns the tv on, picking some drama he’s watched before as background noise for his thoughts. he can’t remember the last time seonghwa truly smiled and laughed with him, the last time they shared a moment of happiness together. and everything was so good before seonghwa started disappearing. before, they were too attached to each other every morning, almost late to work because seonghwa wanted more time with san. now it feels like seonghwa is actively avoiding him.
san wants to doom-scroll on his phone, but his anxiety is building. there are hot, stinging tears welling up in his eyes. he lets them out. seonghwa won’t see them, anyways.
san wonders if there’s something wrong with himself. maybe he did something and hasn’t realized? but seonghwa has never iced him out like this before. then, he wonders if there’s someone else. seonghwa wouldn’t cheat. but what else would explain his absence? seonghwa’s absence gets more suffocating every day. san has always been someone who values quality time and physical affection. he feels starved for it now.
so he cries, loud and ugly because there’s no one else there to hear him, and there hasn’t been for a while. he cries until it gives him a migraine, leaves him feeling dehydrated and exhausted. he wraps himself in a throw blanket, lays down on the couch, and pays half a mind to the drama until he falls asleep.
san wakes a few hours later when the door opens. he actually startles, looking for some sort of weapon, because who could be in his apartment right now? it isn’t until seonghwa enters the living room that san deflates, the panic draining his body, morphing into surprise. seonghwa stands there, concern in his eyes.
“hwa? what are you doing home?” san sniffles, nose stuffy from crying. his eyes are puffy and swollen, barely opening.
“sannie, are you okay?” seonghwa rushes forward, dropping his bag on the floor. his hands come up to rest on san’s reddened cheeks, soft and caring. the younger man feels like crying all over again.
“i’m fine. why are you here?”
“well, i live here.” seonghwa smiles all soft and pretty, like san has been longing to see. his heart squeezes in his chest.
“it doesn’t feel like it anymore.” san mutters, pulling away from seonghwa’s hold to lay back against the couch cushions. seonghwa’s face morphs quickly from worry to confusion as he drops his hands back to his sides. san tugs the throw blanket tighter around himself and looks away.
“what? sannie, i’m here every day.”
“you’re not listening, hwa. you’re never here, not anymore. for the last month, you’ve left before i’ve woken up and gotten back after i’ve fallen asleep. it’s been too long for it to be some work issue, hwa. what’s actually going on?” san sighs deeply, looking back into seonghwa’s eyes like he could see the secrets hiding there. unfortunately, he's still left in the dark.
“nothing is going on, baby. they laid some people off, so i’ve been picking up the slack.” seonghwa shrugs and bends down to take his shoes off.
he’s lying. san knows it, because seonghwa can’t look anyone in the eye when he’s lying. even then, that’s not what seonghwa had told him before. before, seonghwa had said there was some big company they had to work with across the globe, so he needed to stay late for meetings.
“that isn’t the truth. tell me the truth, please. i’m tired of being alone. you don’t hug me, you don’t kiss me. we used to be attached at the hip and now, it’s like you’ve completely disappeared, and it’s exhausting being left behind.” san begs, and seonghwa just kicks his shoes to the side. it’s so unlike him to even come in the house with his shoes on that san can only ignore it. the entire situation is so unlike seonghwa that san feels like he’s dreaming.
“please, baby. i’m just busy.” seonghwa sighs. the older man's phone starts buzzing on the coffee table, but he ignores it, “i love you, sannie. nothing is going on. they just need me at work.”
the buzzing stops and then starts again. san wants to scream. he feels like the conversation is going in circles, there’s no end unless he gives it up. he’s so mentally exhausted that he feels like he might as well be the one to end it. the buzzing stops, and then starts once again. the sound is grating san’s nerves.
“are you gonna answer your phone?”
“will you get it for me?” san resists the urge to actually scream, and picks the phone up. the caller id just reads ‘w <3’, and san’s blood turns to ice. a chill runs down his spine as he picks it up, hoping the person on the other end will talk first, and they do.
“baby! finally, you answered. are you still coming over tonight? you haven’t answered my texts and i have a lovely surprise for you, it involves lace, if you wanted a hint. hwa?” san freezes for a moment. the voice is undeniable. it’s wooyoung. his best friend, jung wooyoung, is on the other side of his boyfriend’s phone, calling him baby and asking when he’s coming over. a wave of nausea rolls through san’s stomach as he pulls the phone away from his ear and hangs up. seonghwa just stands and watches, raising an eyebrow.
“who was it? why did you just hang up like that?”
“just wooyoung, asking if you’re coming over tonight. said he actually has a surprise for you, something with lace!” san laughs sarcastically and stands from the couch, walks up to seonghwa, and pushes the phone into his chest. the tears are back, burning hot and rolling down his face. he can’t even really comprehend what is happening, only that there really is someone else.
“what the hell are you talking about?” seonghwa asks from behind him, but his voice is shaking. san whips back around, halfway down the hallway to their room. seonghwa stands at the threshold of the living room, face contorted in some indiscernible expression.
“you know exactly what i’m talking about. so this is what’s going on, right? there’s someone else, and it’s my best friend? you’re fucking insane.” san is feeling so many emotions at once, he feels like he might explode. anger, betrayal, sadness, exhaustion. seonghwa’s eyes are glassy.
“i’m sorry.” seonghwa replies simply, seemingly without even being sorry.
san slumps against the wall, an indescribable pang of hurt shooting through his chest. the two people he loves the most have been sneaking around behind his back for who knows how long. he can feel the mold growing up into his throat, choking him. and seonghwa just stands there, unmoving.
“why?” san’s voice is watery, it feels like he’s drowning.
“he just… makes me happy.”
san closes his eyes and bites his bottom lip to keep from sobbing. once he’s sure he won’t, he asks one more question, “and i don’t?”
“not anymore, no.”
“leave.” san chokes on his words, sinking into a sitting position against the wall. his forehead meets his knees as he slumps forward. everything is silent for a moment, like he’s imagined it all. he wishes he did. he listens to seonghwa move around, presumably gathering the things he needs, and his heart squeezes so violently that he feels like he might pass out.
“i’m sorry.” seonghwa whispers.
it takes a few moments, but the front door slams, and san is alone again.