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1. The Boutique Flirt (Alice and Lilia Place Bets)
They were shopping for a blazer for Rio’s upcoming book club event. The store assistant—artfully disheveled, clearly crushing—kept hovering.
“You’d look amazing in navy,” she said, brushing imaginary lint off Rio’s shoulder. “It brings out your… depth.”
“Aw, thanks,” Rio said, sincerely. “But I’m usually covered in compost. Depth’s a hazard.”
Alice leaned toward Lilia and whispered, “Five bucks says Agatha breaks her no-homicide streak.”
Rio held up a blazer. “Agatha, what do you think of this cut?”
Agatha smiled sweetly at the assistant. “It’s perfect. And so is my wife. Who is married. To me. And cannot be purchased, fondled, or styled away.”
The assistant blinked.
Rio added, “We should get her some tea. She looks pale.”
“I’ll get her a cease and desist.”
2. The Woman at the Farmer’s Market Who Gave Her a Free Pie
“She said I reminded her of a summer orchard,” Rio said, holding the pie like it was a sacred artifact.
“She said she wanted to take a bite,” Agatha snapped, nearly dropping her reusable tote.
Rio tilted her head. “Of the pie?”
“No, sweetheart. Of you. Of your face. With her mouth.”
Rio blinked. “That’s not sanitary.”
The pie-woman waved. Rio waved back cheerily.
Agatha waved too—just with one finger.
Behind them, Lilia silently slipped Agatha a hair tie like a battlefield medic. “Tie it up if you’re gonna throw hands.”
3. The Museum Guide Who Thought Rio Was the Exhibit
Rio: “He said I had ‘the kind of face that makes art feel seen.’ Isn’t that beautiful?”
Agatha: “He followed you for three rooms. You thought he was part of the staff. He was a tourist from Wisconsin.”
Rio: “He had a lanyard!”
“He had a plan. And a voice like a late-night radio host. I saw him whisper ‘a vision’ under his breath.”
“Ohhh, I thought he was talking about the Monet.”
“No. He was talking about your ass in those jeans.”
Rio blinked. “Oh.”
Pause.
“…Was it a compliment?”
Agatha let out a sound that might have been a growl. Jen discreetly pressed record on her phone.
4. The Flirty Neighbor With a Leaking Sink
“She said she needed help with her plumbing,” Rio said, frowning in concern. “But then she offered me wine? Is that normal sink etiquette?”
“She invited you over in a silk robe with a wrench she bought from Daiso,” Agatha growled. “The only thing leaking was her dignity.”
Rio blinked. “Oh. I told her to call an actual plumber. I gave her a business card.”
“You gave her my business card, Rio.”
“She said she needed someone powerful.”
“Yeah, to turn off her thirst.”
5. The Art Student Who Tried to Sketch Her
“She asked to draw me,” Rio said, blinking. “Said I had ‘a tragic mouth.’ What does that mean?”
Lilia choked on her espresso, exposing to the group what the art student actually said and meant “It means she wants to kiss you and write a poem about it afterward.”
Rio frowned. “Oh. I thought it was an art critique.”
“You let her sketch you?” Agatha protests
“I didn’t realize she was doing it! I just thought she was journaling passionately.”
Agatha marched across the café to confront the artist, who immediately froze.
Agatha: “Destroy it. Or I’ll sue your imagination.”
Alice, from the corner: “This is better than reality TV.”
(+1) The One Who Tried It (and Got Wrecked by a Ray of Sunshine)
It started at one of the legal networking parties Agatha despised but dominated anyway.
The skyline glittered behind her as she stood in Louboutin heels and a suit tailored so precisely it could deflect emotional vulnerability. To her right, Rio was speaking to the bartender, laughing about bitters and the “theatrics” of smoked cocktails, and looking like the kind of person no one could hate on sight.
Which was, frankly, Agatha’s problem.
Because Rio was also the kind of person that everyone wanted to flirt with—soft-eyed, unintentionally flirty in the way golden retrievers are with strangers. Not because she meant to. Because she looked people in the eye. Because she was generous with her laughter. Because she remembered names.
And because she didn’t realize she was walking around in a body made of warmth and cheekbones.
Then she spots Celeste. PR exec, nepotism baby, blazer two sizes too small, with the kind of sharp-toothed smile Agatha recognized from law school and low-budget reality shows.
Celeste sauntered straight past Agatha and landed next to Rio like she’d been invited.
“Oh my god,” she said, leaning on the bar, voice pitched half a decibel too loud. “You have no idea how refreshing it is to see someone like you at one of these things.”
Rio blinked. “Someone like me?”
“Yeah. You’re—real. Soft. You’re not trying so hard, you know?” She smiled, too wide. “Unlike some people here.”
Her eyes flicked—deliberately—toward Agatha.
Agatha, three feet away, did not flinch. She simply lowered her glass and tilted her head, watching like she was cross-examining Celeste with her mind.
Rio, bless her earnest soul, missed the barb entirely.
“Oh! That’s sweet. I’m just here because Agatha’s presenting later. She’s amazing,” she said, beaming. “I got to see her practice in the living room with two throw pillows and a laser pointer. It was very moving.”
Celeste raised a perfect brow. “You came just for her?”
“Of course.” Rio blinked. “Why else would I come to a legal event?”
Agatha smiled into her champagne.
Celeste tried again. “Still, if you ever want to sneak away from the world of overpriced wine and egos, I could show you a place that makes the best chai in the city. Just us.”
“Oh, that’s so nice of you!” Rio said, genuinely touched. “But I already have a chai person. Agatha makes it. She doesn’t even drink it, but she keeps experimenting until she gets it just right for me. Isn’t that sweet?”
Celeste’s smile cracked.
Agatha’s did not.
“Oh,” Celeste said, tight. “So she’s—”
“My wife,” Rio said brightly. “She’s also the reason I know what day it is, how taxes work, and where my keys are at any given time.”
Agatha, slowly approaching, didn’t interrupt. Just listened.
Celeste laughed lightly, but her voice tightened. “Wow. She must be really… intense.”
“Oh, definitely,” Rio said, obliviously sincere. “She’s terrifying in court. She once made a man cry using only deposition notes and three minutes of silence.”
Agatha arrived at Rio’s side like a storm cloud wearing Yves Saint Laurent. She placed a hand on Rio’s lower back—possessive but light. “Everything all right here, darling?”
Rio beamed at her. “Yes! Celeste was telling me about chai.”
“Was she.”
Celeste opened her mouth—Agatha’s brow lifted half an inch.
Celeste closed her mouth.
Rio turned to her, expression gentle. “Thanks for the chat, though. And the compliment. But I think you meant it as a dig. About me being soft?”
Celeste blinked.
“I don’t mind,” Rio continued. “It used to hurt, being told I was too gentle for serious rooms. But now I know it just means I stayed kind in a world that rewards the opposite. That’s not a flaw. It’s my favorite thing about me.”
Celeste looked like she’d swallowed a lemon.
Agatha looked like she was watching an opera while plotting a murder.
“And honestly,” Rio said, tilting her head, “if you’re trying to flirt with someone by insulting their wife… maybe you’re the one who’s trying too hard.”
Agatha made a soft, pleased sound.
Celeste muttered something that sounded vaguely like “have a good night” and evaporated into the crowd.
Rio turned to Agatha. “Was that weird? She was weird.”
Agatha kissed her on the cheek. “That was art.”
Rio sighed. “People are confusing.”
Agatha smiled. “You’re lucky you have me, then.”
Group chat:
Alice: That woman tried to insult Agatha in front of Rio.
Lilia: I saw it happen. It was a live TED Talk on dying slowly.
Jen: Rio dismantled her with kindness. Like emotional origami.
Agatha: I’ve never been prouder.
Rio: Wait was that really flirting???
Agatha: It was. And now she’s legally banned from this building.