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Ochako was angry.
No. Angry wasn't the right word for this. She had felt anger before, and this was not it.
Sad? No, that also didn't describe the emotion she was feeling.
Jealousy? "No no no no I'm not jealous," she thought to herself. Jealousy was an ugly emotion and she refused to feel that way.
Bitter? Yes, that seemed to be the word for how she was feeling. Bitter.
But why?
She shouldn't be bitter. This was a happy moment. She was sitting across from Deku, listening to him ramble on about how Katsuki had finally worked up the courage to propose, noticing how the ring on his finger seemed to fit him perfectly, watching the smile never leave his face. She should be happy.
So why wasn't she? Her closest friend had finally gotten his happy ending. After everything he sacrificed, after years of watching from the sidelines, he had finally managed to rejoin his friends as a pro-hero. And on top of that, his boyfriend had proposed to him with a ring so perfect it might as well have been made for him. He was happy, and she should be happy for him.
So why was she so angry jealous bitter?
"Ochako?" Deku's voice broke through her thoughts and she realized she had spaced out a bit. He was looking at her, concern evident on his face. "Are you okay?"
"Oh yes, I'm fine," she replied a bit too quickly. "Just a bit surprised. I never took Katsuki for the marrying type."
"Oh yeah, it surprised me too," he said, his face shifting back to one of excitement. "Kacchan used to hate the idea of being tied down, but I guess all those years working on my hero suit changed him more than I thought it did."
Ochako felt a small bit of comfort at him not noticing the turmoil she was feeling. Not enough to outweigh the bitterness still welling inside her, but enough to help her push it down a bit. Ever since that fateful day, she had become better at letting her emotions free, wearing her heart on her sleeve as some would say, but today she couldn't. She didn't want to let Deku see the pain she was feeling. So she pushed it down. She could confront her feelings later. For now, she just smiled and listened as Deku talked about how romantic Katsuki's proposal had been, even if it had been interrupted by a villain attack.
Eventually, the conversation found its end, and Ochako said her goodbyes to Deku and told him to say hello to Katsuki for her and to congratulate him on finally working up the guts to propose. Before she had a chance to leave, Deku pulled her into one last goodbye hug. "Thank you for helping me become a hero again," he said as he held her close. And that broke her. Quickly saying one last goodbye, she turned and began making her way back to her apartment, hoping he didn't notice the tears starting to leak from her eyes.
"No," she thought. "Don't cry. You're a pro-hero. Pro-heroes don't cry. They save people with a smile." But she couldn't smile
Why couldn't she smile? Why couldn't she be happy? Why couldn't she...
But she knew why.
She knew when she saw Shoto climbing the ranks without needing to rely on his father's name. She knew when she saw Tenya living up to the mantle his brother left for him. She knew when she saw Tsuyu help those around her with just a smile and a few words of encouragement.
She knew when she saw Deku saving people alongside Katsuki, the smile on his face so big it could rival All Might's.
She knew why.
She knew that no matter how many children she helped with her quirk counseling, no matter how many people she saved as a hero, no matter how many times she watched her friends live their dreams, that she could never be happy.
Because she could never live her dream. Because her dream died years ago on an empty battlefield. It She; Himiko died, cradled in Ochako's arms, her golden eyes slowly closing as the warmth of her blood flowed from her body into Ochako's. Ochako watched her dream die, watched as the cutest girl in the world died in her arms, wept as she could do nothing to save her.
Ochako finally made it to her apartment, quickly letting herself in and shutting the door. As soon as the door closed, she fell to her knees, letting the tears she had been trying to keep in finally begin to flow down her face. The only thought plaguing her mind was a single question.
"Why can't I feel happy?"
And only a single name haunted her soul.
“Himiko.”