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[1]
It suited him. It didn’t fit too tightly, and it didn’t accentuate his hips. When he looked at himself in the mirror, he looked.. normal.
It was Aaron’s shirt though. Not his. If he dared to wear it more, then it would start to smell like him, and Aaron would catch on.
Elle felt sick at the thought. He wasn’t ready to tell Aaron. God no. Hell, he was barely able to accept himself at the moment. He couldn’t imagine how his husband would feel.
But god.. it fit so well.
The longer Elle wore Aaron’s dress shirt, the more comfortable he got. He could even wear it unbuttoned without being too bothered by his breasts. He felt like himself for once.
Even as he stared at himself, he hardly felt dysphoric. This was the Elle the world was meant to see.
Then reality set in. The world wasn’t ready to see him yet. That crushing feeling put a pit in his stomach. It made his throat tighten. When he looked at himself again, he could hardly stand his own reflection. He felt shame. It was uncalled for. He knew that. Yet here he was.
So he took the shirt off and put it in the washer, covering himself up with one of his college hoodies. Maybe if he washed the smell off of it, Aaron will never be able to tell it was on Elle.
Maybe he will never be able to tell what his husband was going through.
———-
[2]
The next time Aaron was off on a case, Elle snuck into his underwear drawer. He hadn’t gone this far before. It wasn’t for perverse reasons, God no. Even if it was thrilling to wear his husbands clothes, he wasn’t doing it for that reason.
The boxers were a bit loose around his hips; Elle had to hold them up just so they wouldn’t fall down to his ankles. Even so, they were comfortable. He never realized just how much looser they were compared to the undergarments he usually wore.
He remembered a single instance where Aaron wore this particular pair. Maybe it was as pajamas, maybe it was after he woke up after an intimate encounter. Either way, Elle doesn’t feel bad when he shoves the briefs into his own underwear drawer. He is positive that Aaron won’t notice. Sure, he was a damn good profiler, but when it came to relationships, he had a tendency to look past certain things to not profile the person on accident.
That’s why Elle was so sure Aaron wouldn’t notice.
——
[3]
“You smell like me..”
Elle hardly batted an eye at his husbands words. Not while he was attacking his neck.
“Shut up and kiss me.”
“Did you use my cologne?”
“No.”
For a moment, Elle thought he answered too fast. He spoke fast when he lied, and he thought Aaron caught on; he didn’t.
Elle tensed up a bit at the question, and he immediately needed to change the conversation topic, but when Aaron pushed his way back to the nape of Elle’s neck, he relaxed with a sigh.
For the briefest amount of time he couldn’t focus on Aaron— he almost found out. He almost found out everything he was trying to hide from him.
It was as if Aaron sensed his thoughts, and he nipped at the skin below his jaw.
“Aaron!” He hissed, but there was a smile on his face.
All Aaron did was smile at his husband before biting him again, again, and again….
——-
Elle had been under the impression that Aaron wouldn’t be home for another few hours. It wasn’t easy to communicate while he was on the jet, so he had to assume arrival and departure times based on what state he was in.
So, Elle basically played dress-up.
When he had everything on— Aaron’s dress shirt, the boxers he had stolen weeks ago, the cologne— he felt complete. He had done this a few times before, and every single time, he felt immense joy and relief to the point it almost didn’t feel real.
But it was. This was him, even if the clothing wasn’t exactly optimal.
He stood in front of the mirror just… staring. He could recognize himself, but there was a hint of doubt within him.
“What if Im pretending?”
“What if I’m doing it for attention??”
He shook those thoughts away. He had felt this way about himself for as long as he could remember. Even when he was younger he had doubts about his identity. Of course, back then it didn’t have a proper name— it was merely “a feeling everyone gets”. It was a feeling that had been stifled for as long as he could remember.
It was a feeling that knawed at the back of his mind when he worked in the BAU. When he saw Reid or Morgan or Hotch, he silently wished he was them. He wanted to be them more than anything else in the world. He wanted to experience the world through their eyes.
The days he would spend in his apartment insulting his own body were long and abundant. He never saw his body in a positive light. Every compliment he received made his chest hurt and his stomach ache.
He had never felt normal. Even after he figured out he was bisexual, things still didn’t feel right.
Identity crises, begging someone, something, to help him.
Nothing.
Cutting his hair to that ridiculous bob that Reid somehow liked, wearing shirts that covered his scar, being more modest, being more reserved..
It was a cry for help that was never answered.
Then he left the BAU, and for the first time in a while, he took some time to himself.
The cloud of work looming above his head was gone. He could think clearly.
And when he looked at himself afterwards, he swore he felt the puzzle pieces connect in his mind.
… he still wasn’t out to anyone. He didn’t even know where to begin with that. How was he supposed to tell Aaron, his husband, that he had been identifying as a man for years now?
He felt trapped. He knew that he had to tell him soon; otherwise, he was going to drive himself insane.
Lost in his mind, he didn’t notice that the front door had opened and closed; Aaron was home.
When he did notice, it was too late. Aaron was stood in the doorway of their bedroom with a tired expression on his face.
“This is quite the surprise.”
Elle froze up upon hearing Aaron’s voice. He couldn’t move, couldn’t respond.
“Coming home to my beautiful wife in one of my shirts.. wow.” He sounded tired, as if he was going to fall asleep standing up.
“I thought you weren’t going to be home until around midnight.” Elle admits almost hesitantly, turning to face his husband.
Aaron, ever the most unsubtle man in existence, glances down below the loose shirt on Elle and notices what he was wearing.
Rubbing his eyes, he takes a step closer, “No uh.. we left earlier than usual. I didn’t get a chance to tell you. I’m sorry.”
Elle was still stuck in his same spot. Aaron wasn’t supposed to see him dressed like this. He was panicking internally, and he could actively feel his anxiety raise. His stomach started hurting, his chest was tight, he could barely breathe.
What was happening? Why was this happening?
This secret, this world changing secret, was becoming too much to carry alone. The facade he had to keep up with was growing heavier and heavier each day. He couldn’t take it anymore.
Without any warning, he fell to his knees, breathing sharp and quick. It felt as if the world was closing in around him.
Aaron was by his side as soon as he was on the floor. Without exchanging any words, he wrapped his husband up in his arms, holding him close but loosely.
Though a bit difficult, Aaron led Elle through a breathing exercise in order to calm him down. It felt like ages before Elle was breathing and thinking normally again. It was always so much easier to let his anxiety take hold of him completely.
“There we go..” Aaron whispered, holding Elle’s head against his chest. “I’ve got you.”
Elle didn’t speak. What was he supposed to say? How was he supposed to explain the reason as to why he had a panic attack??
However, Aaron didn’t expect him to speak. In fact, he’d rather his husband be completely calm and stable before attempting any conversation. So the two sat there in silence for a while; Aaron comforted Elle; Elle was collecting his thoughts.
“I’m trans.”
The room was quiet for a few seconds. Within those few seconds, many thoughts went through Elle’s mind:
“Oh my god”
“He hates me now”
“He thinks I’m disgusting”
“He’s going to kick me out and get a divorce”
“He doesn’t love me anymore”
“I don’t deserve him”
None of it was true. Not in the slightest.
“I’ve heard of that before. I think Reid and Garcia were talking about it at some point, but I didn’t fully pay attention to their conversation. You know how they are.” He paused, looking down at Elle. A gentle hand brushed through his hair. “I don’t fully understand what it means, but you know I still love and support you, right?”
Elle’s throat tightened. All of his stress and anxiety slowly faded. Now he felt… relieved.
“You do?”
“More than anything, Elle. You’re my husband, afterall. Aren’t I supposed to love you no matter what?”
Husband
That’s what broke Elle. Hearing it come from Aaron sounded so right. It made everything feel that much more real.
He cried. Moreso sobbed, but he would try to convince anyone that only a few tears fell. He held onto Aaron like a lifeline and cried into his shirt, staining the shirt with his tears.
“Ive wanted to tell you for so long.” He stuttered out, sounding a bit muffled. “It’s been nagging at me ever since I first met you.”
Aaron attempted to comfort his husband, running his fingers through his curly locks and hushing him softly.
He had always been able to tell that something was off about Elle. Not just in the way he used to present himself, but literally everything else. Especially in the last few weeks. Of course he noticed when Elle used his cologne. Of course he noticed that pair of boxer briefs suddenly go missing. Of course he noticed the faintest hints of Elle’s smell on his shirt. But he didn’t say anything. He knew he wasn’t going to help the situation if he tried to force Elle to talk about it.
“What did you hear from Garcia and Spencer about transgenderism?” He very suddenly asked. His voice was raspy, but there was an obvious interest in his tone.
Aarons brows furrow, trying to recall exactly what he heard.
“From what I remember,” He began, fixing his expression so it was more neutral, “they were talking about how ridiculous some of the arguments against it were; Reid was being more scientific; Garcia wasn’t, but she still sounded like she knew what she was talking about.”
Elle smiled at that. Something about the fact his old co-workers were supportive of him— even if they didn’t know it— comforted him. If he had told them all those years ago, they would’ve stayed friends.
“It makes sense that they were the ones having that conversation.”
“Considering they’re possibly the smartest people currently working for me, it makes all the sense.”
Things were okay. Elle was out. The weight of his secret didn’t seem so heavy anymore. For once in his life, he felt.. normal.