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He woke up with a jolt. Not a whole body jerk, but a kind of hidden flinch that was like his body was making sure it was awake. Yukine breathed in deeply, and exhaled slowly.
Another nightmare. The same scenario. The face of a drunken old man grinning at him. The biting cold. The smell of stale beer and rotting food. The darkness.
Damp tear-track on his fur moistened his face. He cursed in his head mildly. Yukine needed to work on controlling his transformations, especially at night. In the darkness, his eyes adjusted.
Well, it would be wrong to call it darkness. A dim, warm light illuminated the corners of the room. It wasn't enough to disturb anyone sleeping, but just enough to make the night bearable. Yukine embarrassedly and fondly recalling the time they got the nightlight. His god made such a big deal out of it, and Yukine was slowly worn down. It seemed like Yato always knew what he needed before Yukine himself knew.
A tired yawn escaped his mouth, but he wasn't relaxed enough to go back to sleep. A part of his mind was terrified to go back there . Yukine reverted back into his human form, feeling the fur retreat and his bones change back into a teen boy's body. He looked around again, and found Yato curled up into fetal position next to him.
Yukine smiled, soft and small. An expression he wouldn't usually show if the god was awake. He observed Yato's form, still and unmoving. You wouldn't know he was alive if it weren't for the slow, rhythmic up and down of his chest.
His thoughts paused, confused. 'Doesn't Yato always sleep-talk?'
Odd. When Yukine was first taken in by him, he remembered always feeling irritated by his nightly ramblings of becoming a "king of gods." And even if he had a more disturbing dream, Yukine would hear the mutterings of them.
But not now…?
He shifted towards Yato's face, observing it for any minute expressions. A scrunch of his eyebrows, the trembling of his mouth. Nothing. Yukine continued watching for a change, unsatisfied at his current discoveries.
Then, with a cold dread creeping in, Yukine watched as a single tear trailed down his unblemished face. It looked out of place, something that felt like it wasn't supposed to be there.
His mind quickly recalled the moments of true tears. The time when Yato got his very first shrine. The time where they thought they lost Hiyori forever. Real tears, of true happiness or of true sadness were rare .
Softly and quickly, Yukine got up. His limbs were still stiff and slow, not fully woken up. An undercurrent of tiredness flowed through his body, which he ignored.
"Yato," Yukine started, voice gentle but firm. "Yato, wake up."
When Yato didn't get up, Yukine groaned and dragged his hand over his face. He sighed long and hard, before returning to his task. "Yato. Yato? Yato!"
His voice was a hush whisper in the night. With how breathy it sounded, it was almost harsh. Still, Yato didn't wake up. A new feeling of dread and worry bloomed in his chest, constricting his breath. Yato was not a light sleeper by any chance, but he rarely went into a deep slumber.
Despite himself, Yukine found himself lightly slapping the god's face. "Yato, Yato." He pinched and stretched his face, a mix of awe and exasperation growing. It was borderline insane to see how he slept through everything.
Though…if Yato couldn't wake up…that meant he was deep in the dream or nightmare he was in, right?
Small groaning noises underneath his hands were like a blessing in the night. He breathed out, relieved, before realizing that he could now ask what was wrong.
"Yukine…?"
He forced his face to become neutral. From the few years Yukine had known him, he knew that Yato was more likely to share if it looked like Yukine was listening. But he didn't want to baby him either.
"You were crying in your sleep." He stated bluntly.
"Oh…is that so?" Yato got up, his long bangs curtaining his face as he slouched. "Did you have another nightmare?"
Yukine's eye twitched. "I should be asking you that. What did you dream about?"
A long sigh that carried centuries of weight coming from his god sounded out in the night. It was silent for several moments, like if Yukine breathed too hard it would disrupt the moment.
"It was nothing—well." Yato paused, as if debating his choices. Good. Yukine was about to start spouting Yato's own advice at him. 'Communicate your feelings and all of that crap.'
He tried not to scrutinize him under his gaze. If Yato left something important out—
No, he shouldn't go down that path. He's been down before and it shredded the relationship between Yukine and Yato. Or that's at least how Yukine felt. Yato still looked at him like he was his world. Yukine could never try to betray that trust ever again.
Yato stumbled over on his words, unusual for him. If he was happy, words flowed easily out of his mouth as a waterfall. If he needed to be taken seriously, his sentences were direct and firm, no nonsense.
"Does it have to do with… your dad?" Yukine asked, wanting to make it easier for him.
Yato stilled, and then tilted his head to the side. He scratched the back of his head, eyebrows knit in concentration. "Well, kind of."
Yato and Yukine were similar in a way. Their childhoods were cut off by the man who was supposed to help them grow. The intense feeling of needing to protect anyone close to them from that man. A few years ago, when he was still a brand new shinki, Yukine would never have believed Yato had worries . Now, Yukine knew that those worries were all that he had, burying them under a half-real, half-fake guise of happiness.
"Father…" He began, "You know he didn't like having someone else influence me. That's why he targeted you and Hiyori."
The god drew his knees up to his chin, looking small and childlike. A face of bitter nostalgia replaced his hesitance, and Yukine inched closer to him. "You and Hiyori weren't actually the first to…try and guide me away from my nature."
Yukine wanted to interrupt his spiel of self-loathing and deny the subtle acknowledgement of the nature of his origins, but a small side-eyed glance from Yato shut any of his comments down before they were said.
"A long time ago, a looong time ago, back when I was still a naive, stupid child, I took in another shinki after Hiiro." Yato uncurled from his little ball and stared at the ceiling boredly. "Her name…the name that I gave was Sakura."
Images of cherry blossom trees flashed in his mind. Of a friend who was gone long ago. Does Yato think of his friend(?) every time spring rolls around, like Yukine?
"She was the first shinki I claimed 'properly.'" Yato laughed without humor. "So when I received her memories, her sins, her life …It scared me."
Yukine leaned against him, as if he was keeping him grounded in reality. This was painful for Yato, that was what Yukine knew. Digging through centuries-old memories that were buried under to be hidden whilst trying to stay in the present were a difficult thing to do. All that Yukine could do was sit and listen, because if he tried to force it all out, he may never hear it again.
"So, I left her in a lake and ran from my responsibilities. Hah, wasn't I so stupid? Escaping from the ones that I took in myself." He looked at his shinki with a smile that looked like a grimace, before continuing.
"Eventually, I fished her out of the water and apologized. One way or another, I took her to 'play,' because I thought it would make her happy."
"She was horrified, Yukine. She had to leave me and retrieve her bearings once again. I deserved it, because wasn't I the one to leave first?"
"But…she came back. She came back and did the same thing you did and tried to teach me about the living and living ." He ruffled Yukine's hair affectionately, a grin that looked more real appearing on his face. When he stopped, Yato looked ahead with a sweet melancholy.
"She liked flowers, small animals, and sunsets. Her smile when I gave her these things, except for the sunsets, made me so happy."
"However, you know how things go with Father, especially when he figures out that I found a way to stray from his path."
Dread sends chills up his spine, his body not feeling quite right any more. "Don't tell me…he killed her?"
Yato sighed, for what seemed like the n th time. He pressed his hand to the space between his eyebrows, shoulders hunched. In this moment, he looked both too old and too young to be recounting everything. Perhaps that was the curse for every being on the far shore. A set age, ones that you can grow out of, but will never grow past .
"I told her the one thing I should have never told her, and then she wasn't the gentle person I knew. The truth contorted her, and she wasn't as lucky as you."
Immediately, he refuted. "No, Yato, I wasn't lucky. I only pulled through because of you. "
He pushed himself up, staring down at Yato's small form with a hard gaze. "Listen here, get this through your head. Your…father was a shit person. Yeah, you told her the secret, but didn't you get pushed in that direction?"
"Didn't you just try to follow the one wish you were made for?" He bent down with his arms crossed to glare directly into icy-blue eyes. "You were just fulfilling the thing you were made for, so it's not e-entirely your fault."
His voice stammered towards the end. Ah, he was so bad at this. He tried to see it from a less biased perspective, but despite his efforts the humanity in his soul was set to "killing bad, murder is evil." He couldn't apply that logic to gods, especially since Yato went through this experience as a newborn god.
"Listen, just—you aren't that person anymore." Yukine stood back up, closing his eyes and rubbing his forehead. "You have a new purpose to fulfill, and Sakura-san seemed to push you into this direction."
He tacked on the honorific at the end of Sakura's name, feeling as if it was only right. If she were still…alive? Present? She would be his senior. "You don't kill people anymore. Not humans, not shinkis."
"Besides, even if you go back on that path, I'll bring you back here next to me. Nobody's getting rid of me that easily."
Yato stared at him dumbfoundedly for a couple of minutes, mouth agape as he processed those words. Yukine forced down the urge to squirm until the gaze. When Yato wasn't controlling his expression, his eyes could be unnerving—especially in the dark night.
Then, a small smile emerged on his face, a genuine one. Instantaneously, Yukine was pulled into a half-hug, half-headlock as Yato ruffled his head affectionately. "Aw, look at my kid, growing up to be so responsible for his idiot god!"
He fought half-heartedly against his sweaty hands, trying to stay quiet. When he was let go, Yukine rubbed his head to try to put back his already messed up hair into its normal position. He huffed, not entirely serious. He crossed his arms once again, and looked at Yato with a downturned mouth.
"I was trying to be serious."
Yato smiled once more, his eyes softening and looking older and more mature than he usually was. "You know, I think you would have liked her. Sakura definitely would have liked you."
A silence descended upon them as Yukine thought the comment over. It wasn't uncomfortable by any means, just one that allowed for different thoughts to come and leave.
"Yeah, I would have liked to meet her."
Maybe there was a world where Yukine met Sakura, and she led the both of them on the "right" path. Maybe there was a world where Father's grip hadn't completely restrained Yato's and by extension, Nora's life and they got to thrive and grow. Maybe there was a world where Sakura lived with Yato and Yukine in their messed up family of sorts.
But that wasn't this world. Sakura had died two times, leaving Yato broken with both a new purpose and no purpose at all. Yukine was there to pick up the pieces, and continue her work.
It would only be right after all, because Yato picked up Yukine first.