Work Text:
CALIBORN: DIRK. DIRK LISTEN UP YOU PIECE OF SHIT. I HAVE HAD. AN EARTH SHATTERING REVELATION.
CALIBORN: INVOLVING ME. AND YOU. AND THE SECRET YOU HAVE BEEN KEEPING FROM ME. FOR OUR ENTIRE LIVES.
DIRK: What?
DIRK: Dude, what are you talking about? I’m not keeping any secrets from you.
CALIBORN: WRONG.
CALIBORN: I HAVE KNOWN YOU. FOR A LONG TIME NOW.
CALIBORN: WE HAVE BECOME. HA HA. “CLOSE”.
DIRK: I mean, we’re literally married, so yeah, you could say that.
CALIBORN: AND YET. IN ALL THAT TIME. YOU HAVE FAILED TO REVEAL TO ME. THE BIGGEST SECRET. OF “HUMAN LOVE”.
CALIBORN: YOU FORCED ME TO SLOG THROUGH. ELEVEN YEARS OF THE “MARRIED LIFE”. WITHOUT BOTHERING TO TELL ME. TRAITOR.
DIRK: Tell you what?? I have literally no idea what you’re talking about.
CALIBORN: TELL ME THAT.
CALIBORN: THAT.
CALIBORN: URGH. THIS IS. INCREDIBLY PAINFUL FOR ME TO ADMIT.
CALIBORN: YOU CANNOT TELL ANYONE. ABOUT THE WORDS THAT ARE ABOUT TO LEAVE MY MOUTH.
DIRK: Sure.
CALIBORN: PROMISE ME!
CALIBORN: PROMISE ME. YOU WILL NEVER LEAK A WORD OF THIS SCANDALOUS CONFESSION!
DIRK: Dude, I said I wouldn’t tell. Now will you tell me about this mad revelation you had or what?
CALIBORN: HAA. GOD.
CALIBORN: DIRK. THE GRAND SECRET. THAT YOU HAVE BEEN CRUELLY HIDING FROM ME. THIS WHOLE TIME.
CALIBORN: IS THAT.
CALIBORN: ARGH, I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M ABOUT TO SAY THIS.
CALIBORN: IS THAT. IT TURNS OUT. THAT COUNTER TO EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER BELIEVED MY WHOLE LIFE.
CALIBORN: LOVE.
CALIBORN: IS MORE FUN.
CALIBORN: THAN KILLING PEOPLE???
DIRK: !
DIRK: Wait.
DIRK: Are you serious?
DIRK: You... you’re actually admitting you like smooching me more than you like exterminating universes?
CALIBORN: I DIDN’T SAY IT WAS ABOUT YOU!!!
DIRK: Literally married, remember?
CALIBORN: OK. FINE. MAYBE IT’S A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOU.
CALIBORN: BUT DON’T GET FULL OF YOURSELF OVER IT.
CALIBORN: YOU’RE STILL A FILTHY TRAITOR. FOR NOT EDUCATING ME ABOUT “THE POWER OF LOVE”. ALL THE WAY BACK WHEN.
DIRK: Would you ever have listened, back when we were kids? Because that was definitely not my experience with your general demeanor.
CALIBORN: IRRELEVANT. YOU SHOULD HAVE FOUND SOME WAY. TO MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.
DIRK: You’re impossible. As always.
DIRK: But maybe that’s what I like about you.
DIRK: So what say you and I keep on not killin’ folks together for another eleven years?
CALIBORN: IT IS. A DEAL.
CALIBORN: MY HANDSOME HUMAN HUSBAND.