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Maybe in another universe, an ongoing phrase ive heard dozens of times in my life, repeating in my head, throbbing. I mean it all started in high school, when a girl meets another girl she truly loves, things could never go right, they never do. Hachi, my girl.
*thud* “Goal!” I screamed as my teammates huddled around me, yelping out happily at the goal. I looked up to the buildings rooftop, Akira my bestfriend, of course she was up there. I don’t know if my face was red from playing or the sight of her. I sat down at the bench pouring water on my head, cramped and sweating, I whipped the water off my forehead. “That was so cool Hachi!” “Agreed!” Two of my teammates said to me as we cooled down. “Thanks Sana, Tori” I replied “I mean I didn't score just by myself, you guys helped me out plenty.” Smiling at them.
Smoke released from my lips the schools wind pushing back at me, a nice day. Today Hachi was playing soccer, yesterday it was basketball, “wow she’s so athletic and cool..” My face flushed with an unnecessary red. I thumped my head on the rooftops fence getting rid of the perverted thoughts, she’s my best friend for god sake I thought. Me and Hachi knew each other since childhood, my mothers best friends with her mom, its common sense that we would be raised together and become close as well.
*creak* “Hey Akira!” A huffed voice rang out to me as the rooftops door opened, speaking of the devil. “Did you run all the way up here Hachi?” I chuckled out, cute. “When I saw you up here I couldn’t wait to tell you, I won our soccer game!” Hachi said with glee, her beautiful smile reaching up to her eyes. “Cool, I saw.” Replying “awhh, you watched?” Teasingly my Hachi asked, gosh did that sound creepy, maybe too obvious. “I just saw out of the corner of my eye…” I replied scratching the side of my head, Hachis smile going soft. “I see.. Well we better get going breaks almost over!” Her smile coming back again. “Yes, yes mom” I put out my cigarette onto the gate then tossing it on the ground, “Didn’t I tell you to stop doing that crap Akira!” She frowned. “That’s my last one promise!” I hated lying to Hachi, but ill try my best, for her. We made out way down to our classroom, Walking slightly behind Hachi, the way her uniform fit neatly, her light brownish pink hair swaying from side to side, she’s the embodiment of the word perfect. I could never get with someone such as her, a fag like me, never.
We arrived to our classroom, as much as I was lucky enough to have the same home room as Hachi, we practically sat on the opposite side of each other. Tearing apart from Hachi as the bell rang we sat in our separate seats, “Hello class, we have a new student today.” Hm, “Please be nice to him” A guy taller then the average height, maybe 5’10, or 6 foot, wow. He had pretty blue eyes and dirty blonde hair, a stereotypical joke type, a nice smile. “Hello, my names Lucas, please treat me well.” He introduced, the teacher pointed for him to sit at the desk the opposite side of me, next to Hachi, Crap.
there were already rumors about the new kid, Lucas. ‘How hot he is’, ‘he has to be a model with his looks!’, I could care less, only Hachi. But then something changed, Hachi started being part of the rumors as well, her relationship with with Lucas. “What a perfect couple..” I heard myself saying out loud sobbing, a statement I never wanted to be true. Talking was all I could see them do out of the corner of my eye, the teacher even had to tell them to be quiet a few times, Hachis giggling echoed through the room. It became a never ending nightmare when she told me herself. “You know Akira, I think I like him..” She confessed giggly, “who?” I blurted out. No, no this couldn’t be, I mean I knew that we, Hachi and me could never happen but for it to be this soon… “Lucas!” She shouted, only loud enough for me to hear. “Really , I mean you guys look cute together..” I smiled, that’s all I could think of doing in this moment. Hachi smiled back at me, always look absolutely adorable, we could never happen.
When I heard that Hachi and Lucas started going out I broke down in the schools bathroom, gosh. They were a match made in heaven, the schools hot topic, I mean when two pretty people get together who wouldn’t notice. It’s something I would be embarrassed to admit but I thought about it several times, Hachi and Lucas doing it, hachis first time. My face flushed in a deeper red, I felt a tingling bloom in my stomach, kicking my feet on top of my bed, the room dark with the only light source being from the moon peaking through my blinds, Perverted thoughts.
It’s been sometime, you know. We all graduated, me and Hachi grew apart, I mean she needed to focus on her little boyfriend. As much as I want to hate her I could never, she was just so, she’s really something. Enough times passed to where Hachi and Lucas are getting engaged, of course Hachi made me her maid of honor when the only thing I wanted was too be in his place.
The bachelorette party, a couple close friends were there, family members, Lucas was supposed to pick up Hachi by now, he’s running late. What could go wrong, a lot. We were drunk out of our minds, me and Hachi, “you know, Hachi, its been a while sense we got together like this.” “Yeah..” Hachi slurred out her words. I looked at Hachi in her always so beautiful eye, weird. Her eyes traced some where else, it happened all so quick she moved forward to me, placing her hands over mine, my body turned to face her, still looking in those orbs. Her lips caressed mine it was quick but filled with so much passion. Shock attacked my body, but I never pushed her away, was this my reward for waiting for so long, or a test or some sorts? I pushed Hachi away, this wasn’t right, as much as I wanted it she was engaged for christs sake. That look in her eyes said it all, like a kid asking for help, she didn’t want this marriage.
I ask myself this a lot, would I have been happier with her? I mean the way I look at her says a lot about my true feelings, love.
When Lucas was introduced as the new student, I felt a switch in my brain go off, not my heart. It was like something was telling me that I needed a boyfriend to look normal. Every other teenage girl dreamed of getting one, but not me. Akira my best friend was just enough.
when we began talking, me and Lucas we kinda just clicked. He was so easy to talk to in the moment. Then I decided that he would be the one to keep me normal. This fear began at the start of high school, getting called a faggot or dyke, bullying. I was bullied in elementary for being bigger then the other girls, more ugly. I couldn’t let people know on top of that I was in love with my best friend, a girl. So as soon as high school began, I changed. I dieted and got thinner, I took acne medicine and changed to contact lenses instead of big and bolky glasses. The last thing I needed was to actually feel normal, and with that was to be in love with a man, so I chose Lucas. I know its selfish but he was always there for me, we grew closer while sitting together, it felt to natural.
When I told Akira that I had a crush on Lucas my heart ached, it wasn’t him that I wanted to be with with, it was her. I started into her eyes hoping she would pull me into her arms telling me to be with her instead and how she was actually in love with me, that never happened.
When we graduated high school me a Akira relationship changed, we grew apart, I had to worrry about my relationship with Lucas and she had her own problems. When Lucas proposed I was more scared then happy, he was nice, caring, and supportive but I could never love him the way I loved her. So I said yes, our families were asthatic about out soon to be marriage, I wasn’t.
My bachelorette party, It’s been a long time since I saw Akira, pretty. We would text each other once in a while but we haven’t been caught up with each others lives. How could someone be this stunning my body was drawn to her, I couldn’t stop looking at her lips, it felt wrong, I knew it was wrong. I couldn’t help it, it was dumb of me to do, I kissed her, eyes closed and everything. It was just a peck but I made sure she knew what I meant, I wanted her to pull me in, and tell me to call of the wedding but instead she pushed me away eyes shocked. “This wasn’t right..” I heard the slightest whisper, no. “I’m sorry!” I blurted out “that was an accident, I was drunk” that kiss for sure sobered me up. Then I heard Lucas’s car pull up to the driveway, “bye..” I said before getting up and storming out, I can’t ruin this little relationship we have, so I cried, and cried in Lucas’s arms excusing it about being ‘nervous and excited about out wedding!’ What a lie.
Akira didn’t show up. It’s my honeymoon now, you know what all couples do on this day. I lay down on the bed as stiff as a board crying out in fake pleasures, the tears flowing from thinking about her, imagining my first with her. Regretting my own choices.
Lucus slept besides me, the baby’s on its way and the only thing I could do was sob, tears streaming down my cheeks, if only I could be with Akira. I sat upright with my knees touching the baby bump in my stomach, hugging, holding onto a photo of us, what could have been us in a decades time. Married at the beach, having 3 kids, just like how we planned in elementary. Instead I was with him, an equally kind man, but a man I would never and could never love. A saying that been told told time and time again, but really though, maybe in another universe I would be this miserable. In another universe I could be with her, you, Akira.