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He knows he should move, should get up, go brush his teeth, take a shower and actually be a functional human being. But he doesn't.
Baku keeps his eyes on the wall in front of him, unseeing. He feels so tired. So tired that even moving to lie on his back sounds exhausting.
His dad shows up occasionally. At first, he was gentle and his voice was full of sympathy.
Baku isn't embarrassed to admit that when his dad brushed his bangs away that first morning after the funeral, he started crying. His dad tried his best to awkwardly comfort him until he had to leave for work.
After that though, when Baku kept sleeping and skipping school and generally lying in bed without doing anything, he did start raising his voice. Threatening him so that he'll wake up and go to school. But Baku didn't have the energy to bother.
What was the point even? So eventually his dad stopped trying to get him to do things.
He'll check in before work and after work, try to get him to eat. Sometimes Baku does but most of the time he doesn't even feel hungry. Everything tastes like nothing.
He knows his dad is worried and maybe he should be too. He knows he's depressed, that he should try to at least not get himself sent to the hospital but he really can't muster the strength.
Memories of Baekjin haunts him constantly; especially the what ifs.
What if Baku never taught him to fight, what if he reined Baekjin in early on, what if he had never left Baekjin's side.
What if. What if. What if.
A cacophony of accusations in his head.
So he sleeps. And stares at his bedroom ceiling or wall.
He hears the door open outside. It's too early for his dad to be back; it's around afternoon he thinks. He knows it's not him when the door to his room slams open.
There's only one person who enters his room like he owns the place.
He hears the shuffle of feet getting closer and then a plastic bag covers the side of his face.
“Get up asshole, I brought your favourite snacks”.
Gotak. Of course. But Baku can't find the energy to face him, let alone answer him. He hears Gotak sigh after several seconds.
There's more shuffling, a thud of him sitting on the floor by the bed and the plastic bag rustling noisily. There's the sound of a box ripping and more plastic.
Baku feels a heavy weight on the dip of his waist. Gotak is sitting down by the bed, his head leaning back until it rests on Baku's side. It's warm and heavy.
“Too damn bad. I'm eating all the pepero, you idiot”.
Baku knows Gotak bought his favourite flavour too. He couldn't find it in him to say or do anything though. He doesn't feel like eating anything. He keeps staring at the wall.
Time passes in a haze. He's not sure how long it takes but eventually, the weight on his side disappears. He hears the sound of plastic being placed on his bedside table.
“Gotta help my mom with some errands tomorrow. I'll see you the next day, dumbass”.
The door to his room closes. Then the door to his house.
Then, silence.
Gotak shows up again two days later like he promised. No surprises there. Gotak always keeps his promises.
It's a hot day today. Baku can barely muster the energy to kick off his blanket, already sweating.
Gotak brought soda and ice cream today. He hears him puttering around in the kitchen, probably trying to find his favourite glass in the cupboards and to keep the ice cream in the freezer.
When he comes back, he places the cold glass on Baku's forehead since he's lying down on his back today. The condensation drips down to his hairline.
When he doesn't make a move, Gotak shrugs and places it on the bedside table again. Usually Baku would yell at him to get a coaster but today, he simply stares at his ceiling. There's a sprawling cobweb that he never noticed before.
“It's so goddamn hot for no reason today!” Gotak gripes.
He hears the clink of ice in his glass.
“It's so bloody hot that even Sieun looked like he wanted to rip off his uniform. It was funny. He kind of looked constipated”.
Baku could imagine it, Sieun's bangs plastered to his forehead, an annoyed furrow to his eyebrows, hands anxiously fidgeting at the heat. He feels the pull of a smile but doesn't actually do it. It's a phantom feeling.
He remembers the hot days when he was a kid. Baekjin was always shy about wearing sleeveless tops outside because his skin was so pale that he got sunburned easily. He remembers goading Baekjin until they were splashing in the big fountain in the park, running helter skelter when the security guard started chasing them for playing in it.
He blinks when he feels coolness on his face. Gotak has thrown a cold wet towel on him.
“You're sweaty and gross”.
Baku blinks against the small towel, feeling slightly cooled.
Gotak keeps removing the towel to wet it and lays it back on Baku several more times throughout the hours. Sometimes gently but most of the time, he just throws it at him.
He doesn't see what Gotak does because he lies down on the floor next to bed and Baku doesn't have the energy to look. But he hears ice clinking and irritated sighing and lets it lull him back into a restless sleep.
When he wakes up, no one is in the room and Baku isn't sweating anymore. The towel is no longer on him. There are loud noises outside and cussing.
Pitter patter of fast feet into his room. A loud thud. Then, a face in his vision; Gotak, his lips in a flat line and eyebrows judging him.
“Alright you fucking rhino, I'm gonna give you a towel bath because you seriously stink and then change your sheets”.
Baku stares at him and Gotak rolls his eyes and moves away.
“Right then”!
There's a lot of fake grunting from Gotak as he sits Baku up to take off his t-shirt. He lets Baku lean back against his chest and then gets the wet towel from the bucket of water and wrings it out before wiping down Baku. He even rubs Baku's hair roughly with it.
It feels nice. Baku closes his eyes and falls asleep like that, Gotak's steady heartbeat against his skin.
The next time he wakes up, the room is darker, his sheets feel clean and he's in a sleeveless top and basketball shorts. A new thin blanket is messily folded at the end of his bed.
His dad knocks and opens the door softly. “Looks like that Hyuntak kid left some soda and ice cream behind. You want anything to eat you punk?”
For the first time in a few days, he's able to answer his dad. “Soda”.
His dad blinks at him in surprise. “Okay your majesty, I'll bring soda for you”, he says sarcastically and walks away.
Baku hates that he can't do anything about the worry in dad's voice that the joke couldn't hide.
Gotak keeps showing up almost everyday.
He brings snacks or drinks or food sometimes.
Tangerines once. He had neatly peeled and placed one right in front of Baku's face, all those gross stringy bits that Baku hates stripped away.
He left early that day, something about helping Juntae with a project.
Baku kept staring at the perfectly peeled tangerine that Gotak had left for him and felt tears run down his face.
Baekjin had hated tangerines. He didn't know how to peel them properly and he hated how his hands got messy and sticky from the juice so he simply never ate them.
Baekjin had never peeled tangerines for Baku. Neither did Baku for Baekjin.
He doesn't even remember telling Gotak he hated the stringy bits on the tangerines. Now that he thinks about it, Gotak has always peeled tangerines for him.
Baku wonders how he never noticed that.
It's kind of like him always picking out the carrots from Gotak's meals because he knows Gotak hates the texture of them, he supposed.
He wonders if Gotak ever noticed that.
In the end, what gets him out of bed is this.
It's been raining heavily since the night before. Baku huddles under his blanket, the air colder than he expected it to be.
He hears his front door open and then seconds later, his room door slams open. Gotak stands there drenched to the bone. He hurriedly gets a towel out of Baku's cupboard and rushes off to the bathroom outside.
When he comes back, he's in his own dry clothes; a hoodie and shorts.
He must have brought spare clothes, which means he came out in the rain just for Baku.
Baku keeps his eyes tiredly on Gotak as he comes back into his room, so he sees the exact moment Gotak's steps falter and he crashes heavily against the wall next to the door.
“Fuck, fucking hell, fuck”! Gotak winces as he slides down the wall to slump down onto the floor, the fingers of a hand clutching at his knee and spasming.
Baku's heart beats faster in his chest. Of course.
Gotak went through hell and back with his physical therapy after the injury and his knee is as close to normal as it can get but whenever he’s on his feet too long, does heavy exercise too much or when it's too cold, Gotak always has trouble with it.
Getting soaked in the rain probably didn't do him any favors today.
Gotak looks at him then–probably notices Baku's wide knowing eyes–and grins. “I guess today, we're both gonna’ just lie in place listlessly and simply stare at each other”.
Baku makes a sound in the back of his throat and Gotak leans his head back against the wall and winces.
“Yeah, it hurts like a son of a bitch today. I nearly didn't make it here, almost gave up and thought about sitting on the roadside just now but I didn't want to deprive you of my handsome face”.
Baku's breath hitches, thinking about Gotak outside in the downpour, soaked to the bone, sitting by some empty roadside and pressing his lips together in pain, all alone.
“Didn't even bring my painkillers today, shit”.
In the end, what gets him out of bed is this; Go Hyuntak.
He throws the blanket off and shuffles to the door. Gotak is looking at him with wide eyes.
Baku leaves him there for a minute and goes to the kitchen. He finds Gotak's favourite glass, fills it with water and brings it back to him and then rummages inside his own school bag; he's always kept a bottle of the painkillers that Gotak takes since the injury on him just in case.
Gotak can be really stupid about taking care of himself sometimes.
He finally finds the bottle and fishes it out and then knocks it against Gotak's forehead none too gently.
“What would you even do without me”, Baku says dryly, fondly.
Gotak takes the bottle and snorts. “Not get drenched in the rain and then brain myself on your floor as my knee gave out, probably.”
He doesn't quite manage to hide his wince as he snarks at Baku.
Baku waits until Gotak takes the pills and finishes the water. Then, he offers his hand to help him up.
Gotak shuffles to the bed slowly, trying to keep pressure off of his fucked knee as much as possible, using Baku as a crutch when he needed to.
Baku helps him sit against the headboard, on the outer side of the bed, because Gotak doesn't like the side against the wall.
Apparently it makes him feel too crowded, so he always takes the side facing the door, though Baku knows he's just making it up.
Gotak's never been claustrophobic, he just likes to play the role of protector too much. Nevermind that Baku is stronger than Gotak and can beat up any intruder just fine on his own.
Secretly, Baku likes it anyway. The way Gotak always tries to protect him whether it's against imaginary intruders or gross stringy bits on tangerines or fucking assholes who don't think twice about breaking knees and ruining someone's future even if one of the said assholes was Baku's ex best friend. Maybe especially so.
He leaves Gotak to settle on the bed and goes to get him a hot water pack for his knee. As he fills it up with hot water, he wonders how Gotak feels about the depression Baku's fallen into because of Baekjin's death.
How can Baku even mourn for a guy who destroyed Gotak's future and life?
Baku had been there during the worst moments of Gotak's recovery; when he was angry and devastated and confused and in pain. He had been there when a tired Gotak had accepted the fact that he could never be a pro athlete like he's wanted since he was a kid.
He was there to quietly help Gotak pack away his taekwondo competition medals and trophies because he said it hurt too much to see them around anymore. He was there when Gotak gave up on physical therapy because he didn't see the point of it and he was there when Gotak finally went seriously at it, claiming that he's not going to let something like this injury keep him down. He had been there when Gotak had been praised by the doctor and his physical therapist for the hard work he's put into his recovery.
All of that had been because of Baekjin.
Seongje attacking Juntae, Gotak and Sieun on that roof was because of Baekjin. His dad ending up in jail had been because of Baekjin. Him nearly going down a criminal path had been because of Baekjin.
In fact, tons of kids just like them, had gone down a dark path because of Baekjin.
So how? Why?
Why does Baku still feel like he's drowning at sea because that asshole Baekjin died??
He should feel ashamed that he can barely find the motivation to live because a guy he hasn't been friends with for years got killed off. Especially after hurting Baku and everyone that Baku loves just because he couldn't stand the thought of Baku moving on.
He takes the now filled hot water bag to his room and numbly hands it over to Gotak who gladly takes it. He crawls to his side of the bed, mindful of Gotak's legs as he does so.
He lies down on his side and watches Gotak place the hot water pack on his knee, hissing for a moment before visibly relaxing against the headboard.
His lips tremble and he reaches a hand out to clutch at the leg of the shorts Gotak is wearing and shuffles closer to hide his face into the edge of the soft hoodie. “I'm sorry”, he mumbles into the fabric.
He feels Gotak's hand in his hair, tugging lightly. “What for, you giant gorilla?”
Baku clenches his eyes closed tightly, willing the tears not to spill. “It's stupid. That I'm like this because he died”.
Gotak tugs at his hair harder. “He was your friend”, he says softly. “It's okay to be sad over him. Even if he was an asshole, he was still your friend”.
“He hurt you. And Juntae and Sieun. And so many other people. He's bad. He doesn't deserve me crying over him”, Baku insists.
Gotak sighs. “Yeah, he was an asshole but grief doesn't make sense. It's kinda weird, you know? So forget about the right way or reason to be sad. Whatever you're feeling, just let yourself feel it. I'm right here with you and I'll be here however long it takes”.
Baku pushes his face harder into the hoodie, unable to stop the tears again. Except this time, it's like a dam has exploded. He sobs like he did when Gotak got injured, when Sieun was in the hospital. Maybe harder. It's like his chest was cracked open, and everything inside won't stop spilling out.
He screams out his pain into the air, heart clenching painfully.
He'll never see Baekjin again. That stupid smirk and that stupid slicked back hair. His stupid sunburned arms because he decided to wear a sleeveless shirt just like Baku for summer. The disgusted pout on his face when he accidentally pressed the tangerine too hard as he peeled it and his hands were all sticky.
That happy laugh, eyes closed against the bright sun, hands up to protect himself against Baku splashing water on him wildly in the fountain years ago in the park.
Baku let out all his favourite memories of Baekjin in the form of tears onto Gotak's hoodie.
Through it all, Gotak holds him, lets him break apart in his arms. Baku knows that he's safe there. He knows that Gotak would hold all of his broken pieces and put them back together piece by jagged piece until he's whole again once he's done.
Baekjin had been his ruin but Gotak has always been his salvation.
Whether it's fighting others for talking ill about Baku, or fighting himself to be stronger for Baku or fighting Baku for doubting himself, Gotak would always be there.
Gotak will buy Baku's favourite pepero and bring soda and ice cream on hot days and brave shitty weather and chronic pain just for Baku.
Gotak would tell Baku it's okay to cry for his shitty ex best friend.
Gotak would join the basketball team for him.
Gotak would listen to Baku talk endlessly about Slam Dunk even as he rolled his eyes.
Gotak would fight the entire universe for him.
Gotak would peel a tangerine and strip away the gross stringy bits just for him.
It's more than a little stupid, that it's this final thought that at last makes him stop sobbing but it does.
It's Go Hyuntak; his bestest friend in the world, his protector, his basketball teammate, his favourite hot-head, his beloved worrywart.
It's knowing that Baekjin's friendship may have broken him in ways he didn't even understand.
It's knowing that despite it all, when Baku can't even muster the energy to move, or live, Go Hyuntak would be there with him. Just there, existing in the same space, doing things Baku didn't ask for, letting him know that he might feel alone, but he's not.
It's Go Hyuntak, showing up.
It's Gotak; his Gotak.
For the first time in awhile, Baku thinks, he's going to be okay after all.