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For starters, Arthur could not really continue to lie to himself about the way he had been devastatingly attracted to the as-yet-unidentified man who walked into his kitchen uninvited and berated Arthur for taking his emotions out on the chops he was pounding. That attraction had only intensified at the man’s cocky insistence that he could identify all the ingredients in the pot simmering on the stove. But, honestly, that was nothing to the way Arthur’s attraction flared when the stranger had masterfully not only identified every single ingredient and then playfully shown off a bit by arranging every ingredient in order of quantity. The whole staff had been impressed, but Arthur suspected he was the only one who had to fan himself off. How had Arthur's corner of the kitchen had suddenly become much too hot?
His head was so fucked. He couldn't believe this man was Half-Pint. It was a total joy to see him all grown up…gorgeous, self-possessed, and without even a flicker of the self-doubt Uther had instilled so deeply in Arthur. As happy as he was to see Merlin again, the fact that the stranger was indeed Merlin was like an ice cold shower. How could he be so attracted to the kid who had been like a little brother to him? Well, at least he’d have a month to figure things out, since he’d offered Merlin a month-long trial at the restaurant.
Of course, in true Arthur fashion, he had put it all out of his mind, and suddenly the month was fast creeping to its close. At one point or another each and every staff member had made a point to let him know that they’d be glad to have Merlin stay on. In fact, Merlin was a great help, and had strengths that really complemented Arthur’s own. Arthur mused upon inviting Merlin to stay, though he couldn’t really imagine he’d be tempted by the paltry wages Arthur could offer. He thought of the “Trust Fund” and wondered what Merlin might want to put into the box of personal treasures that signified the staff’s commitment to each other as found family. He smiled to himself, thinking of the beautiful lump of amber Merlin had given him. It was one of Arthur’s most precious possessions.
He thought back on young Merlin, and how he had been apologetic that there was no bee inside the amber. Arthur never got to tell Merlin that he was very glad that Merlin hadn’t been able to afford a piece of amber with an embedded insect. He treasured the smooth rounded drop, honey warm, sun warm, warm as he held it in his pocket when he was stressed, or lonely. On the other hand, the amber encased bugs he’d seen in museums had always repelled him. They reminded him of his feelings of being stuck, trapped, held immobile in the most negative ways. Arthur smiled thinking of how younger Merlin had been fascinated by the amber-encased insects, but the whole idea horrified him.
But this token of friendship that Merlin had brought him (earned by his hours of work at Old Man Simmon’s rock shop) was sweet, clear, honey colored, the color of warm hugs…the kind he had always imagined his mother would have shared with him. This honeyed gem, formed over millions of years from the lifeblood of a tree, made him feel safe, warm and connected. Somehow it reminded him of the dreams he’d had of being surrounded by a warm, loving family. And on the hardest days, even years later, it still reminded him that someone had found him worthy of the gift.
When Arthur thought of inviting Merlin to join the “fund” a comfortable amber glow filled his heart, but he couldn’t quite look at the feelings that arose in him when he pictured Merlin recognizing the gift he had given Arthur resting in the box. That felt a little bit too much like those dreams where you find yourself naked in front of the whole village.
“So, Chef,” said Elena, “When are you going to go and get him?”
“Him who?” Arthur sputtered.
Elena’s look let him know that his answer fell flat. “Umm, him who? The guy who your eyes were glued to until I pointed it out? The one you’ve been wooing? I think his name is Merlin.”
“There is nothing between me and Merlin. He’s just an old friend. Anyway, don’t you have spinach to prep?”
Elena just shook her head at him. “I really think you should consider a few goats, you know. Cats and dogs are great, but goats are so much fun. What a beautiful life you have ahead of you! I’ll go wash that spinach.”
Arthur sighed as he heard Elena and Mithian laughing in the kitchen. It was just a childhood crush. There was no reason to think Merlin actually still liked him like that. Arthur thought back to his own first crush on his father’s chauffeur. He cringed at the thought.
Leon slid into the booth across from Arthur. “Arthur, I was thinking about how you never get a few days off.”
Arthur shrugged. “It comes with the territory, mate. I don’t really mind it much. I don’t mind being here. Home away from home and all that.”
“Still, everyone needs a little time away now and then. Anyway, listen, my parent’s beach cabin is free next weekend. I talked to the gang and everyone is willing to do the extra work to cover for you and Merlin…give you a few days off.”
Arthur bent over and banged his head on the table. “I’m not involved with Merlin!”
Leon just looked at him doubtfully, and patted the top of Arthur’s head. “Whatever you say, mate. Whatever you say.”
Unbidden thoughts of how Uther would have reacted to Arthur having a romantic holiday with another man filled Arthur’s mind. He could see his sneer and hear the contempt in his voice, and felt the old shame he always carried around rear its ugly head. He then tried to imagine Uther’s ghost showing up to find he and Merlin living out Elena’s dream marriage…in love, and surrounded by their own menagerie, goats and all. In his mind’s eye, Uther’s ghost became more and more frightening as it expanded in a bluster of anger, until he finally simply exploded. Arthur was shocked to find himself laughing. A small crack developed in the shell that he had been encased in for so long, and he felt a little of the shame he always carried ooze away. The way Merlin looked last night, happy and at ease as he amused the gang with stories of some of his misadventures with Gwaine, his former boyfriend, came to mind. Arthur longed to have that kind of freedom. Freedom to feel. Freedom to let himself fall in love. Freedom to talk about it without shame.
Mithian popped into the auxiliary pantry where Arthur was taking inventory. “Hey Boss!”
“Morning, Mith!”
“You know you’re being an idiot right?”
“Excuse me?” Arthur frowned at her.
“About Merlin.”
“Mithian, I am not going to talk about this.”
“He is madly in love with you, and I have never seen you smitten like this.”
“Mith, please. I just can’t. It’s not right. I would be terrible for him.”
“He’s a big boy, Arthur.”
“It’s just a childhood crush.”
“Arthur, I think you’ve noticed he’s all grown up, and the truth is, I think he might be a lot more experienced with relationships than you are. Maybe it’s time to let him take the lead. I bet you could learn more than a thing or two from him. I know we’re in a restaurant and all, but no pun intended, I’m thinking that the tables have definitely turned. Start taking him seriously.” Mithian punctuated her last few words by poking Arthur in the chest, turned heel and walked out leaving Arthur alone to think about his life choices.
Arthur wondered what it would be like to “take Merlin seriously”. Was Mithian right? Was Merlin actually interested in him? More than that, did Arthur even know how to take a potential sexual partner seriously? He knew he was a good, solid, dependable, caring, committed friend. He did. He was actually proud still of how much care he had taken for young Merlin’s feelings. He had treated him with care and attention, not encouraging the crush, but careful not to hurt or humiliate him. What really worried him was whether he had the capacity to have a serious long term relationship. Was he capable of taking a sexual partner seriously? Arthur knew he loved Merlin. What he didn’t know was whether he was capable of showing that love and honoring it in the context of a romantic relationship. In short, his greatest hope was knocking right up against his greatest shame and fears about his own inadequacy.
Lance tapped his mobile and held it out to show Arthur. The screen was filled with a beautiful bouquet of periwinkle, lilacs, daffodils, and forget-me-nots.
“That’s lovely, Lance. Are you getting them for Gwen?”
Lance squirmed ever so slightly. “No, no. Though I did get her flowers from this shop the other day.” He smiled to himself softly, lost in his thoughts for a moment.
Arthur looked at him quizzically. “Then for who?”
“Well,” said Lance, “Periwinkle represents early and sincere friendship and tender recollections, daffodils are for new beginnings and hope, lilacs represent first love, and forget-me-nots…well, it’s in the name, you know?” Arthur started to look distinctly uncomfortable, as Lance continued, “When I saw these I thought they would be perfect for you to give Merlin.”
That night Arthur tossed and turned. His dreams were full of flowers. Beautiful bouquets thrown in the mud. Blossoms torn by storm winds. But also, delicate sprays carefully cherished, the warmth of a smile, the ghost of a kiss, an amber glow.
Percival approached Arthur as he was skimming the stock. He peered around to double check that they were alone. “Chef, can I have a word with you?”
“Everything ok, Perce?”
“Oh, yes, of course! I just wanted to let you know that my allergist said she can start treating me to lessen my reactions to cats, dogs, and even rabbits, the little crappers.”
“That’s great, Perce. Did you want to get a pet then?”
Percival just stared at Arthur. “No! Not at all. I just mean that if you and Merlin want 20 cats and dogs, worse comes to worse, for now I can take allergy medicine when I come over, or if you have too much dander and fur on your clothes when you come to work. Then in a year or two the treatments should hopefully cure my allergies altogether. Maybe I’ll even play with the doggos then. Oh, and Elena said there would be goats!”
Arthur’s jaw dropped. He stuttered out, “Thanks, Percival. Can you finish skimming this?” and handed him the spoon before heading out the back door into the alley. “I’ll be back in a few.”
Arthur really didn’t want 20 cats and dogs. I mean, a couple, sure. And goats seemed like they might be fun. But not 20. No way. Truth is though, he really did want Merlin. He couldn’t remember any time in his whole adult life that he was happier than he’d been since Merlin showed up. If Merlin actually wanted him, he would do anything he could to become worthy of him and love him the way he deserved to be loved.
Finally, Arthur asked Merlin to join the Trust Fund. He brought the box to the restaurant from Uther’s old mansion. Merlin took a little pouch out and put it on the table, and Arthur opened up the box. Merlin gasped when he saw the amber he had given Arthur right on top of the precious items in the box. He gave Arthur a long look, and then handed him the little pouch, and told him to take the items out. Arthur drew out a small photo, a picture of baby Merlin with his mother and father. Then he drew out the other item in the pouch. It was a piece of amber somewhat similar to Arthur’s own. He looked at Merlin.
Merlin smiled at him, heart in his eyes, “I felt closer to you having a piece of amber like I gave you. Sometimes I would put my hand in my pocket and remember that you always treated me like I was worthwhile.”
Arthur placed the items in the box, and locked it. He bent his head and muttered to himself. Then he lifted his head with a determined look, stepped right up into Merlin’s personal space and took him into his arms. He buried his head in Merlin’s neck and held on tight.
After a few long moments they released each other and he took a half-step back. Merlin leaned his forehead against Arthur’s. “Arthur, Arthur, why don’t you just kiss me for starters?”
So Arthur, who had not let himself kiss or fall in love with another man since Uther had caught him when he was 14 years old, kissed Merlin.
And Uther’s ghost raged, and puffed up like an angry blowfish, and finally exploded. The gray tentacles of shame that Uther had wrapped around Arthur’s heart dissolved into wisps of smoke and ash and drifted away on a quiet breeze.
Well, what could Arthur do but kiss Merlin again? So he did. And he knew then, that for starters, there would be many more kisses, so many more kisses.
That evening sunset the whole sky glowed amber.