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It starts innocently enough.
They’re gathered in the living room for a movie night, sprawled out on the couch and floor, heads on laps and feet in faces. It’s cozy. Comfortable.
Seungmin is one of the lucky ones on the couch. Chan is on one of his sides and Felix is on the other, their thighs nearly touching, a little squished together to fit. Seungmin doesn’t mind the closeness - sort of likes it, actually. It’s warm.
Halfway into the movie, after everyone has quieted down, Chan stretches. It’s not weird or unusual; he raises his arms and arches his back, then extends his arms forward. Seungmin’s eyes catch the movement easily. They focus on how Chan’s triceps are so defined, his hands are veiny and soft, his forearms are thick and smooth. He looks more muscular than Seungmin remembers.
Seungmin’s eyes trail down to Chan’s legs - which should really have been covered by a blanket, because it was chilly. They’re thick too, strength noticeable even beneath the sweatpants.
Seungmin glances down at himself, thinking that the difference was too huge.
He has been to the gym before - many times. He just doesn’t like to go, and he has been reassured by Changbin repeatedly that he doesn’t have to go if he doesn’t want to, that he is gorgeous just the way he is. Seungmin doesn’t like the word choice, but he can’t argue while so flustered.
He listens to the trainer each time he goes. They say that muscular people tend to feel warmer than skinnier people. Something about muscle tissue producing more heat than fat tissue. More muscle means more warmth. Less muscle means less warmth.
It makes sense in Seungmin’s brain. Chan can walk around in wifebeaters and shorts while Seungmin is stuck in a hoodie and sweatpants. Chan likes to sleep naked because it’s more comfortable, but Seungmin layers blankets over himself. Even now, he has a blanket covering his lap, but his arms are still cold beneath the sleeves.
Chan sighs and finally drops his arms, unaware of the internal crisis Seungmin is having. All he can think about is Chan’s arms, Chan’s muscles, how hot Chan is - both physically and visually.
Seungmin always runs cold. Maybe Chan is just what he needs to warm up.
---
Seungmin tries to avoid Chan after that. When he’s in the room, Seungmin keeps peeking at him - at his muscles. He imagines his small body in Chan’s arms; he imagines how warm it would be; he imagines Chan pulling him close and not letting him go; he imagines lying in bed with Chan, the older boy caging him in with his arms in a way that Seungmin could never escape - not that he’d want to.
Seungmin’s cheeks flush red. It’s embarrassing to think about, even if no one can read his mind. He has been very close to Chan for six years; he isn’t only now noticing that Chan is muscular and strong. He’s just noticing how cold he has been for the last few months - probably from not eating enough with busy schedules - and how Chan never needs to bundle up. The thought of feeling someone else’s skin against his own, wrapped up snugly, makes him shudder.
And Chan, of course, notices immediately.
It isn’t obvious, the way his eyes sharpen when he looks at Seungmin, how he tries to sit beside Seungmin whenever he can, how he’s more gentle around Seungmin than any of his other dongsaengs. No one thinks much of it, considering Seungmin is their second youngest.
What is obvious is the way Seungmin refuses to look Chan in the eye, dodges his attempts at contact, and is dry and short with him. It’s perceived by the others as being disrespectful to his hyung. But that isn’t Seungmin’s intention.
Changbin is the one to ask about it. While he can be playful and mess around with Seungmin, he can also be a good listener. He can mediate arguments. He can sit down next to a member who’s struggling, and they’ll immediately lean on him. He’s trustworthy.
“What’s going on with you and Chan?”
Seungmin glances up from his phone for only a second. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Really? Because you’re acting like he pissed in your cereal.”
Seungmin scrunches his nose. “No I’m not.”
Changbin chuckles condescendingly. “Yeah, you are. Come on, Min. You can tell me anything.”
It’s silent for a moment, and hope builds in Changbin’s chest.
“There’s nothing to tell.”
Changbin sighs, turning to fully face Seungmin with his arm slung across the back of the couch, millimeters from Seungmin’s hair.
“You sure?”
“Mhm.”
Changbin lightly smacks the back of Seungmin’s head, and the younger boy finally drops his phone with a yelp.
“Yah, hyung!”
“Hey, you’re being a brat. That was a punishment.”
Seungmin rubs the sore spot with a dramatic pout, and Changbin rolls his eyes.
“Are you seriously not going to tell me?”
“No.”
That confirms that something happened. But Changbin, like such a good hyung does, lets it go. He won’t force Seungmin to tell him. Yet, at least.
Nothing changes after that. Chan and Seungmin aren’t in harmony like they used to be. Seungmin misses it, he really does, but he’s too embarrassed to get much closer. He doesn’t - can’t - admit how starved of affection he is. It’s pitiable.
Even as he hugs himself at night, as he curls up shivering under a blanket, as he wears three hoodies at once, he won’t let himself have the comfort he craves. It’s weird and stupid. Chan would laugh at him.
Then, after three weeks of this treatment, Chan corners him. Seungmin is about to leave the bathroom after getting ready for bed, but the door opens before he can. Chan steps in and closes the door behind him.
Oh no. Chan is wearing a tank top and shorts - more than what he usually wears to bed, actually. The sight of soft skin, firm muscles, and comfort makes Seungmin take a step back, gasping softly.
“H–Hyung—”
Chan steps forward, not backing down.
“Tell me, Min. Did I do something wrong?”
Seungmin rapidly shakes his head.
“Then why? Why won’t you look at me, or talk to me, or even just be near me?”
Chan sounds a little angry, but also worried. He’s annoyed.
Seungmin’s eyes flicker involuntarily down to Chan’s arms. How is he supposed to tell Chan that he wants to be in his arms and squeezed and held for hours without sounding crazy or pathetic?
The thought makes his chest ache. He hasn’t been touched in so long. He’s received casual touches - a pat on the back, a slap to his butt, a ruffle in his hair. But hugging? Sleeping in the same bed? Legs draping over his on the couch? It has been months. Or weeks. It feels like years.
“Seungmin, you need to talk to me,” Chan says, stepping closer.
Seungmin is trapped. He can’t breathe. He’s barely stopping himself from just barrelling into Chan’s arms like he belongs there.
“Cold,” Seungmin blurts. “I’m cold.”
Chan stares. He glances down at Seungmin’s hoodie and sweatpants.
“You’re… Okay? That’s not what I asked.”
“Yes it is.”
Seungmin doesn’t know how to say it. He wants Chan to just understand. But, of course, he doesn’t.
“What are you even talking about?”
Seungmin doesn’t notice the frustrated tears building until it’s too late. Chan’s gaze immediately softens, and his brows furrow.
“Why are you crying, sweetheart?”
The pet name is too much. A quiet sob escapes, and he presses his lips together, squeezing his eyes shut. Maybe if he pretends this isn’t happening, it won’t be. Maybe Chan will leave. Maybe things can go back to the way they were three weeks ago.
A hand touches his forearm where it’s curled around his own waist, and he flinches. The hand doesn’t move, so he opens his eyes. Chan is still there, still watching him with care and love.
Seungmin surges forward, wrapping his arms around Chan and clinging tightly, like he’ll die if he lets go. He thinks he will. He sobs again, and Chan’s arms are around him.
He breaks. Sobs start tumbling out in strong waves, and he clutches onto the back of Chan’s tanktop tightly enough to stretch it. He lets an arm find its way underneath, feeling Chan’s skin - raw, real, warm.
He can’t breathe with the way his face is squished against Chan’s shoulder, but he can’t bring himself to move. Moving away means letting go, and letting go means losing this. He needs this.
Chan is shushing him, saying something, but he can’t hear it. All he can do is feel.
Then the hands on his waist push, and his chest is peeled away from Chan’s. It burns. He whines, tries to pull himself back in, tries to survive.
“Hey, hey,” Chan murmurs. His hands cup Seungmin’s cheeks now, and—
Oh. That’s a lot better.
“Breathe with me,” Chan continues, rubbing the pads of his thumbs over Seungmin’s cheekbones. “You’re safe, you’re okay. Just breathe with hyung.”
Seungmin breathes, lets Chan hold him, surrenders himself to the feeling.
When he’s calmer, Chan lifts a hand to run it through his hair. Seungmin’s eyes flutter shut. His knees nearly give out. How can such a simple gesture feel so good?
Seungmin’s hands find Chan’s chest - solid beneath his fingers. Then they find his abs, where the muscles protrude so prominently through the thin fabric, warmer than Seungmin’s bed has ever been.
Chan is looking at him with confusion and concern. He lets Seungmin feel him up, not minding how weird it is.
“I–I’m sorry,” Seungmin whispers, not halting his movements.
Chan shakes his head. “Don’t be sorry. If this is what you need, you can have it. Have as much as you want.”
Seungmin makes eye contact again. Chan’s genuine expression is very reassuring.
“I’m cold,” he repeats quietly, watching his hands press against Chan’s body. “But you’re… not. You’re always warm. Hot, in more ways than one. And I just—I saw your muscles and how strong you are, then I saw how weak I am, and I imagined what it would be like to just… hug you. I know we hug, but that’s—it’s different.”
He stops there. He’s already said too much.
“Different how?” Chan urges gently, running his fingers over Seungmin’s cheeks, forehead, scalp, neck. Skin on skin.
Seungmin sniffles. He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out.
Chan sighs. “If you want cuddles, you can just ask.”
“It’s not like that,” Seungmin admits, desperate. “I don’t want to just curl up with you on the couch. Or sleep in the same bed as you. I want to be held by you. I want you to hold me so tightly that it’s all I can feel. No one touches me anymore, hyung. I just—”
He sucks in a breath, trying not to cry again. He closes his eyes in defeat.
“I’m cold, hyung,” he whispers once more.
It’s quiet for a moment - a moment too long. Then Chan’s hands disappear, and Seungmin thinks he made a horrible mistake. He’s about to apologize again before one of the hands finds his own and tugs. He looks up.
“Come on. Let’s fulfill your hopes and dreams.”
He says it with a teasing smile, and Seungmin blushes harder, but he can’t help the way his heart starts racing. He’s been imagining this for so long that it feels impossible, like it will never actually happen. This doesn’t feel real.
Chan brings him to the bedroom he shares with Changbin and Felix. Both boys are lounging on their own beds and talking, but when they see Chan and Seungmin, they stop.
“Out,” Chan demands, pulling Seungmin to his bed. The younger boy goes quickly, his head tilted down in an attempt to hide his red eyes.
“What’s wrong?” Felix asks, ever the worrier.
“Nothing’s wrong. But we’re stealing the room for tonight.”
It sounds carnal - like something more than cuddling is going to take place. Seungmin risks a glance at Changbin, whose eyebrow is raised.
“Clean up when you’re done,” Felix says, already scurrying out of the room, probably to bunk with Jisung.
“No, stop, we’re not—” Chan sighs, rubbing a hand down his face. “Bin, just go.”
Changbin heads for the door, but before he closes it, he pokes his head back in.
“I hope you’ve figured it out,” is all he says. Then he’s gone, turning off the main light on his way.
Chan doesn’t ask what Changbin is talking about; he can probably guess. Instead, he climbs onto his bed and pulls the blanket down, gesturing for Seungmin to join him. Seungmin is stiff as a log as he lies down. He’s nervous. He thinks he’s going to do something wrong and embarrass himself and get kicked out. He doesn’t think he can handle that - not after what just happened in the bathroom.
The blanket remains strewn across their legs, leaving their upper bodies exposed. Seungmin shivers, and Chan scoots closer.
“So, you’re cold?”
Seungmin nods. “Always.”
“That doesn’t sound fun.”
A small smile breaks through the anxiety. Seungmin nods.
“You never have to be worried about getting affection,” Chan tells him, his voice barely above a whisper. “You see us cuddle all the time. You see Jisung beg for someone to sleep with him, just for one night. He always gets it. We’re your family. We love you. We’d never turn you down. Especially you.”
Seungmin makes a confused noise at that, and Chan chuckles.
“You’re a great cuddler, even if you don’t know it. Sure, you’re not the warmest, but you’re soft. You know how to hold someone and make them feel safe. You just… don’t let us do that for you. But you should. You can. I don’t want you to feel this bad ever again, okay?”
Seungmin nods again. He thinks about admitting a little more - how he craves Chan specifically - but decides against it. That’s too much for one night.
But then Chan asks, “Why was I the only one you avoided?” and Seungmin has to answer.
“Like I said, you… have muscles.”
“What about Changbin? Or Jisung? Or Jeongin? Everyone is built.”
“Not like you.” Seungmin’s cheeks turn red again. “They’re… not warm like you. They don’t show skin like you do. You’re just… different.”
He doesn’t know how else to explain it, but luckily, Chan doesn’t mind.
“Okay. Then come here.”
He opens his arms. Seungmin looks at him for a little while longer, just processing everything, but Chan gets impatient and pulls Seungmin to his chest.
It’s warm, like it was in the bathroom. But this time, Chan is holding him with purpose. His hands are splayed out on Seungmin’s back, Seungmin’s arms are crushed between them, his face is in Chan’s neck.
It’s comfortable. It’s nice. It’s amazing. Seungmin lets out a shaky breath and relaxes.
But there’s still a part of him - a small, overwhelming part - that needs more. So, he slips one hand under the hem of Chan’s top, feeling his abs again, but this time without the fabric in the way. Chan stiffens at first, surprised, before he shifts a little closer.
Time passes like that - Chan rubbing his back, Seungmin nuzzling into his neck, his arms slowly winding around Chan’s waist until his shirt is bunched up around his chest. The skin just feels so nice against Seungmin’s hoodie-clad body.
Chan lets out a soft laugh. He suddenly lets go, and Seungmin barely suppresses a whine. He’s confused. It was feeling so good.
Then Chan sits up and takes off the tanktop, his whole torso on display. Seungmin’s breath catches.
Yes, Chan is attractive. Yes, a lot of people beg to see his body. Seungmin is one of those people. But he more so craves the warmth and comfort.
So, when Chan lies back down and reclaims his position, Seungmin moves even closer, a leg hooking over Chan’s hip, his cheek squished against Chan’s collarbone. He lets his hand feel up Chan’s arm until it can squeeze his bicep, appreciating how the skin doesn’t give beneath his fingers.
“You like that, huh?”
“Shut up,” Seungmin grumbles, lightly slapping Chan’s side. “Cold.”
“Right, right. You’re cold.”
Seungmin hums affirmatively, muffled by Chan’s chest.
A few minutes later, once their heartbeats have slowed and found the same rhythm, Seungmin opens his mouth again.
“Hyung, I… I think I’m touch starved. I know it sounds stupid, but I just…”
Chan shakes his head, smoothing a hand down the back of Seungmin’s head. “It’s not stupid. You aren’t as affectionate as the rest of us. There’s nothing wrong with that. But maybe it’s been a little too long, and now you’re not getting enough.” Seungmin nodded. “I’m sorry, baby. You shouldn’t have felt like that.”
“‘S okay.”
“It’s not. But we’ll make it up to you, okay? All of us. If you want a hug, just take it. If you want to cuddle, just squeeze your way in. We won’t push you away.”
“Minho hyung might.”
Chan huffs. “Okay, yeah, he might. But once I tell him about your little breakdown earlier, he’ll be smothering you with hugs.”
Seungmin grimaces. “Please don’t, hyung.”
“No promises. But, listen… If it is different with me, and you want to cuddle with me more than the others, you can find me. Any place, any time. Why would I ever want to miss out on a cuddly Seungmin? It’s so rare.”
Seungmin rolls his eyes, but a small smile lifts his lips.
He has never felt this calm before. This relaxed, this safe, this loved. Never in his whole life.
He hopes he never misses out again.
---
Once the others hear about it, they won’t let Seungmin live it down.
He wakes up alone in Chan’s bed, and when he ventures out, everyone else is already awake, sitting at the counter or standing in the kitchen. They look at him.
“You slept like a baby,” Jisung says.
“No I didn’t.”
“You so did.”
Seungmin glares at him, but his sleepy look softens it too much. He looks at Chan - who has not put a shirt back on. Seungmin blushes again and looks away.
Someone coos. Seungmin doesn’t know who. He just grabs his mug and goes to the coffee machine, making himself busy.
“Cat got your tongue?”
Seungmin takes a sip and looks at Minho with pure disdain. Minho just smirks.
“Hyung, what did you tell them?” Seungmin finally asks. Chan smiles sheepishly.
“Nothing. Not really. Just a little. Like… I don’t know, everything?”
Seungmin freezes. He glances at Chan, then around at everyone else. He takes another sip.
“This changes nothing.”
“Oh, it changes everything,” Felix gushes happily. “You’re my new cuddle buddy. Jisungie’s out.”
“Hey!”
Seungmin looks at Chan for help, but the leader just smiles again, mouthing, “You knew this was going to happen.”
And, yeah. Seungmin did. That doesn’t make it any easier to know that they won’t leave him alone for at least a month.
He wants Chan. That’s true. He needs Chan and his warmth. But the others are warm too. Big. Muscular. The same effect, just… less. So maybe he can deal with it.
It isn’t as bad as he thought. No one bombards him for the whole week, giving him space but also sticking just a bit closer than usual. They seem to understand somehow that Chan is special in Seungmin’s eyes, and they don’t want to get too in the way.
It’s weird that they know so much more about him now, yet they can still act casual, like nothing has really changed. Seungmin likes it that way.
One thing that does change is movie nights. They usually leave the armchair open for Seungmin, or give him a bigger space on the couch. But now, they leave a narrow space open in the middle, and Minho is usually hogging the armchair for himself. Seungmin often ends up next to Chan, so he doesn’t mind the shift.
Regular nights also change, but not as publicly. Sometimes, after a long day full of schedules or not sleeping well for a few days, Seungmin finds himself wandering out of his room in the middle of the night. He crawls in bed with Chan instead, not caring that Changbin and Felix would find out. He just curls up against Chan’s bare chest, satisfied, and falls asleep within minutes.
Sometimes, he stays late at the company with 3RACHA. He just lies on the couch and watches them work, occasionally being fed by Jisung or asked a question by Changbin. Chan gives him small, meaningful smiles, which Seungmin always returns.
Sometimes, Chan is the only one staying late. Seungmin likes to stay on those nights especially, always worried about their leader overworking himself or falling asleep on the keyboard; it has happened before. He stays out of the way but doesn’t leave. Chan will either finish up early and sit with Seungmin for a while, or work until the point of exhaustion and let Seungmin drag him home.
One night when Chan works late, Seungmin walks into the studio with his hood pulled up, hands covered by his sleeves, and feet shuffling. He doesn’t say a word - just plops down on the couch and leans back, a deep frown on his face.
Chan turns to him. “You okay?”
Seungmin nods, but the look in his eyes is telling a different story.
I need you but can’t admit it.
They are very in tune with each other now. Chan immediately understands and saves his work, then sits beside Seungmin, carefully wrapping an arm around him.
“Wanna talk or just stay?” he whispers.
“Stay.”
Seungmin curls into his side, and he seems so much smaller than usual. Chan’s worry level is spiking, but he wants Seungmin to feel better, so he doesn’t say anything more. He just rubs Seungmin’s arm and lets him play with his fingers on their laps.
Eventually, enough time passes for Seungmin’s body to relax. He finally speaks.
“I’ve never had this before,” he mumbles. “No one hugged me at home. Not even noona. They were nice, but they didn’t care about physical touch. I didn’t know people really touched each other like this until I became a trainee. I didn’t think I’d want it because I’ve always been fine, but… I think that being around you all for so long made me want to be involved. I felt a little… excluded. I know you never meant it. But I don’t feel like that anymore. So, thank you, hyung.”
Chan rests his cheek on Seungmin’s hair, not letting his eyes burn for too long.
“I’m sorry. I wish we knew.”
Seungmin shakes his head. “I didn’t want you to. I was fine. I really was. Then I started overthinking. I couldn’t eat well. I was always freezing. You were always warm. Everything just… clicked, I think.” He sighs. “But this is nice.”
Chan breathes out a laugh. “Yeah, it is.”
He pulls Seungmin a little closer, silently vowing to never let him feel cold again - not when he has so much warmth left to give.