Chapter Text
The first time John met Dr Jack Abbot, he immediately recognized him. Well, not immediately. But the name was familiar and the moment the attending was leading him through a bubble intubation, he knew who he was. And he was immediately in awe of the man in front of him.
“You’re the Jack Abbot.” He says after they’re both out of the trauma room and he’s trailing after the attending to the nurses station. The man looks back at him, lips quirked up in amusement.
“The Jack Abbot?” He echoes and Shen nods as he takes few bigger steps to walk besides the man,
“You’re the one who wrote the case study on A.baumannii infection. The way you talked about the post trauma complications was absolutely insane.”
“Ah. I see, you've read what I wrote after I got my certification.”
“Yes but the recent ones about dependence of tech with ED personnel. Also, the review on consultations and shit - the one on military medic training for trauma care was amazing.”
Jack’s smile grows,
“I’m glad someone’s reading those. I was worried that I was screaming into the void with those.”
“You’re not dude- trust me, those papers really helped me understand what I was getting into. Solidified that I want to work in the emergency department after all.”
“Shit kid- you're making me blush.” He says with a grin as he nudges Shen towards one of the chairs on the computers. Shen sits and tries to work on the charting but he can't seem to concentrate when Jack is right there. So he asks,
“What are you working on right now?”
“About boarders in the ED. I'm actually working on it with Robby. Actually, I need to tell him about this-” He says as he turns around to find the man. And it's like the man has a radar because he spots him in a second and flags him down quickly.
Dr Robby, another senior attending, a kind man and an amazing doctor, always rushing around. He was obviously being trained to replace the current chief of the department and it showed in the way he worked. John had trailed him yesterday when the other attending had been absent.
The pair often worked together, John would realize later. But as Dr Robby settles into the space besides Dr Abbot, something much bigger unravels in front of him.
John watches as Jack Abbot relaxes, despite the fact it had never occurred to him that he had been tense to begin with.
It was like watching a dog shake away its bristling fur.
His shoulders slump slightly, the furrow of his brow smoothen out and the smile that curls into his lips was not hidden or forced, it's genuine. And when he looks up, there’s a soft kind of fondness in his eyes, almost a boyish charm around him.
“Guess what? This kid's read all of my stuff.” Jack says with a grin, making the man look over to him instead. John shifts slightly in his chair, nervous, but there’s an amusement on Dr Robby’s face that helps him not freak out. He then turns back to Jack who is still looking at him, expectant.
“So you have a fan? I mean, doesn’t surprise me, I’ve read all of your stuff too. They’re great.”
It’s a simple compliment and teasing but John sees the way the attending glows from it. He rocks on his heels slightly and his grin becomes wider. He doesn’t blush but there’s a slight pink tint at the top of his ears.
John doesn’t hear the rest of the conversation because- Oh my god, Dr Abbot was in love with Dr Robby.
He only comes back to when Robby leans towards John slightly with a huff,
“Don’t praise him too much. It gets to his head.”
John nods mutely, and before he can process what just happened, there's a gurney being rolled into the emergency room with EMTs already barking out vitals and all three of them hit the floor running.
He doesn’t get a moment to think about his discovery until the end of the shift when he’s finishing up his charting and he catches a glimpse of the two attending talking.
Despite their obvious exhaustion, both of them seem oddly calm and almost relaxed. But while Jack looks at Robby with eyes full of love, he realizes that Robby doesn’t look back the same way. It's a bit sad.
But it's none of his business.
When Robby takes his leave, Dr Abbot makes his way back to the nurse’s station and drops into the chair beside him with a long tired sigh. Like the energy he had left with the other man.
So he can't help himself.
“Are you okay, Dr Abbot?” He asks and only gets a simple ‘fine’ in response. There’s a moment of silence where John’s typing into the computer, letting the man have his space before finally he's asked,
“How are
you
holding up kid?”
John doesn’t know yet if he likes being called a kid but he doesn’t want to argue with his attending on day 2 either. So he just shrugs as he replies,
“Tired. My feet feel like they’re on fire but except that, peachy.”
Jack huffs out a soft laugh, it’s low and tired.
“You’ll slowly get used to it. Today's been a longer day than usual.”
John only hums, letting his eyes close for a second, contemplating what he was about to do before he finally breaks,
“Can I ask something a bit personal?”
“Shoot.”
“How long have you and Dr Robby been together?”
John knows they’re not together. He wasn’t an idiot. But he was endlessly curious and he already found the other attending fascinating. So he asks, looking at his attending who stiffens. His eyes flick over to John as he answers, voice clipped.
“We’re not together.”
“Sorry, I thought-” he starts, not really apologetic but Jack interrupts him.
“We’re friends.”
Shen takes a moment before he asks,
“You must have been friends for a long time then. You two seem really comfortable with each other.”
“We are.”
Silence settles between them after that, a tad uncomfortable but nothing John couldn't handle. He finishes up his charting and just as he pulls away from the computer, the attending stands up. Looking up at him, it's intimidating and his steely grey eyes seem to be lasered in on him. John stares back, slowly blinking, curious.
“You’re a good observer but I must say you're a terrible liar.”
John’s expression turns that to alarm as he realises he's been thoroughly found out. Jack grins at him with a mix of annoyance and humour. It's strangely familiar.
“Next time, try to act a bit more embarrassed, will you?”
John feels his face flush at that,
“Sorry boss.” He mumbles looking away from the man and Jack lets out a huff.
“Just ask me instead of the whole lying and sneaking-”
John nods repeatedly and Jack pats his shoulders firm but clearly not trying to hurt him
“Good. Good. Don't try that with me again.”
With that, the attending leaves and it only cements onto John that he needs to know this man more.
For the next six months, that's what he does. He trails after the man in every shift they're together, eager to learn from him.
And he learns a lot.
From simple sutures to a STEMI, John takes in every technique he learns and only bounces back for more. He also learns some procedures that are not published and some that he definitely shouldn’t be doing as a R1. And it only makes him sink his teeth deeper into the man who teaches them.
Speaking of Abbot, he learns a lot about him too.
Well 4 new things.
- He was a widower.
- He didn’t mix coffee and energy drinks
- He was a vet
- He had a missing leg
It wasn’t a lot. The last two were connected.
He was making progress. But the older man wasn’t the most open person. The only person he was truly relaxed around was Dr Robby and catching both of them at the same time was difficult enough as it is. Other times, Jack was too busy running around trying to save lives, charting and avoiding emotional conversations with patients, mostly giving them away to Robby. And the ones he did have, well, it was well known why Robby was the one training to be the chief and not Jack.
He was a brilliant doctor but he struggled with connection. He rarely talked to anyone else, except the charge nurse Dana and a few of the other nurses.
It was strange and it didn't give him much to look for. But he didn’t give up. He was making progress and once again he learns a new thing when he steps out into the ambulance bay for a break and spots him.
- He smokes.
“You know those are bad for you?” He asks as he steps closer to the older man who’s sat on the railings along the stairs.
“Oh really? I thought they just tasted bad.” Jack replies snarkily which makes John grin.
“Let me bum one off you?”
He sits down at the end of the stairs after taking the lighter and a cigarette from the older man and lights it up with a quiet sigh which prompts the other man to ask
“How are you holding up kid?”
“Doing alright. It’s a quie-”
He never completed that sentence because Jack smacks the back of his head. And John hisses, sliding away from the man before turning to glare at him.
“What the hell man!?”
“Don’t say that word in the ED.”
“What word?” He snaps, rubbing the back of his head with his free hand
“The Q word.”
“
The Q word
, seriously, what are you 12?”
“Says the 5 year old.”
Both of them huff but don’t say anything more, smoking quietly. Jack finally breaks it.
“Sorry for hitting you.”
“It’s fine.”
“Does it still hurt?”
“No.”
“Okay.”
John sits there in the silence for a moment, almost pouting. It feels a little too familiar despite the fact that he barely knows the man. So he takes Jack’s advice and simple asks,
“Do you have siblings, Dr Abbot?”
“Do I look like I have one?”
“Not particularly. More like a spoiled only child.”
Jack snorts,
“I don’t know about spoiled but I am an only child, yes.”
“Only children are always spoiled. They can’t even share.”
“Never had enough to share. We didn’t have anything to begin with.” Jack’s voice is quiet, almost sorrowful. It’s the most emotions he’s seen on his face when he’s not around Robby. John’s almost worried. But he can’t help himself and asks,
“Am I getting the tragic backstory?”
A cigarette butt hits him square on the temple and this time he doesn’t complain. That was well deserved and there’s a shit eating grin on his face as he looks up at the clearly annoyed man.
“You know I’m your attending, you should be talking to me with some form of respect.”
“Well, are you going to fire me?”
“Don’t tempt me, kid.” He says as he nudges his leg with his prosthetic which was freezing as it brushes his ankles,
“Now come on, I need some food in me before your curse catches up to us.”
Shen rolls his eyes but snubs out his cigarette before following the man inside.
The conversation had been nothing big in his mind but it was like he had managed to crack open the door to Jack’s life. After that, Jack lets him in a little bit more. Not completely yet. But it was better than before because the following week, he learned a total of 10 new things.
- Jack loved pour overs only but never got them. Waste of money he called them.
- He has a house 10 minutes walking distance from PTMC. He bought it right as he started working here.
- He had been married to a woman, not a man.
- Her name was Alex.
- Jack Abbot was half-nepali. He didn’t speak much of his mother tongue nor did he know much about his culture.
- He had left his house at 18 and only returned two decades later when his mother died.
- She had been the reason he left.
- He hated talking about his childhood.
- He was medically discharged as a Sargent after the loss of his leg.
- Loves dogs but doesn’t want a pet.
And it only keeps growing.
He also starts picking him for more procedures and takes John under his wing a bit more directly. He also hears- eavesdrops, into a conversation between Jack, Robby and Dana. He's taking a nap on the break room couch, arm thrown over his eyes, drifting between sleep and consciousness when he hears familiar voices walk in.
“Oh. We have a napper. It's his first double, right?” Dr Robby's voice is quiet, trying not to disturb him. Jack answers, his voice a little closer.
“Yep. Kid's been at it all night. I told him to sleep for a moment but-”
“He refused? Remind you of someone?”
“Hey, I use the on-call room like a normal person.”
“Oh really? Do I have to pull out the photos of you sleeping at the computer?”
“Oh fuck you Robinavitch.”
He can hear the fondness in his tone. Good lord. How does Dr Robby not realize it yet?
“But should we talk about how much he follows you around?”
“You finally got a duckling. Congratulations Dr Abbot.” Dana's voice is a whisper but still teasing.
“Duckling is generous. He's more like an annoying swan. Or those geese that chase you around.”
Robby and Dana laugh and Shen has to control himself from rolling his eyes from where he is, lest he be found.
“Honestly, fits you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’re not someone who is easily approached, hun. I think a feral goose is exactly what you need. Besides, he's a good kid.”
“He’s a little shit.” Jack says but there’s something in his voice, almost soft,
“But he’s a fast learner and doesn’t let most things bother him. I don’t doubt that he will do well in the ER. Hell, he’d probably be good in the army too.”
“High praise.”
He feels a hand on his hair, gently petting him.
“What can I do? I pick my favourites carefully.”
“Don’t let him hear that. Then he’ll definitely not let you go.”
“I won’t.” He says but there’s an amusement in his voice that alarms John. He tries his best not to stiffen up.
“Besides, the kid already knows it now.”
Jack knows he’s awake. And he knows that John knows he knows.
He’s almost impressed but mostly he's annoyed at being found out. But also relieved that Jack doesn’t tell the others. Because the conversation continues on. It’s actually long enough that he does drift off to sleep. He wakes up when he feels a hand shake his shoulders gently.
“Come on kid, if you’re going to sleep, take it to the on-call room.”
He squints up at the older man and sits up groggily.
“I was fine.”
“Sure, you’re 26, your back doesn’t hate you yet. But it will thank me later.”
“Okay, old man.”
Jack rolls his eyes and helps him up.
“And next time, make sure your brow doesn’t furrow when you’re ‘
sleeping
.’”
John glares at him, still sleepy and he can’t help but think, I'll get something past you one day.
Jack grins, almost as if he knows what John’s thinking.
Again, it's familiar but John cannot put his finger on why. But he doesn't linger on it for too long because he's suddenly an R2. He was working faster, and had more skills under his belt. He still trailed after Jack eagerly but he's also left to handle a lot of things alone which he does with pride.
Then he does something stupid. He does something stupid and he loses a patient. And he's lost patients before. He should be able to handle it. Handle this.
But this one dies with slits on his wrists. And he has the same eyes. Same eyes his brother did. The same hair, the same smile that had lingered after death. And John, he was an idiot. He had read the paper in his grasp. He gives it to the patient's parents with shaky hands and delivers the news with a somber voice. The mother looks like his mum. He doesn't know how he holds on until then.
He leaves the moment Kiara arrives on scene.
John hides in the dark on-call room. Knees to his chest, arms folded on top of them and tears burning his eyes that he refused to let fall.
He buries his face into his arms when he hears the door open. Soft footsteps approach him, they're uneven and one leg drags slightly.
Dr Abbot.
He sits beside him on the bunk bed, Shen's on the floor.
“Hey. You okay kid?”
“Yes.”
“We both know you suck at lying.”
“Yeah.”
They stay in silence for a while and he can feel Jack's awkwardness and hesitance on what to do. It makes him feel worse. He wishes the man would leave him alone.
And he almost asks him to.
But then a gentle hand brushes through his hair. It's not what he wants or needs, honestly it's a bit strange. But it’s warm and it’s comforting.
“I know I'm not the best person to say this but talking about it helps.”
A pause.
“You're right. You're the worst person to say this.”
“Kid..”
“My brother died when I was 16,” his voice is a whisper but in the quiet dark room, it's like a scream.
“He killed himself. Same way. That patient.. that kid looked like him..”
Jack stays quiet, his hand continue patting his head. He doesn't apologize, say he's sorry for his loss, or give him any fake platitudes. There was nothing to say. It was a shit situation. And John continued.
“I found him, you know. The blood, the look in his eyes, the smile. Shit- i-” he takes in a shuddering breath,
“I just can't stop thinking about it.”
There's another pause, he thinks Jack will say nothing at all.
Then a soft voice, quiet.
“I… I saw my wife die. Three bullet wounds. One right through her head. I can still see it sometimes.” Jack's hand stills for a moment before he continues,
“I know it's fucked and there's nothing that will take the memory away. We have to be the ones who live with it.”
“That’s unfair.”
“Yeah. It is.”
John almost blurts out that now they both know each other’s backstory. That dead brother and wife were very cliche. But the moment was nice.
Both of them don’t speak after that and with a pat to his shoulder, Jack leaves him alone. He joins him outside ten minutes later.
Jack always takes over suicide cases after that. If not, he’s always there besides him, a steady presence. It’s nice to know while he could handle a lot of things alone, he didn’t have to.
Being a R2 also meant he had to help others find their own footing. He had juniors, med students.
Langdon and Collins.
Both of them are fun and witty and smart and he engages with them happily.
However, he sees the way Collins and Robby flirt. And he also sees the way it affects his mentor.
Jack's snappier than usual. More withdrawn. His usual sarcastic and dry wit become more bitter. He stands with his back rigid and his shoulders tense. Like a dog that was cornered and was getting its food taken away.
The day Dr. Robby asks Collins out, John’s unfortunate enough to be charting across from them when he tells Jack about it in the nursing station.
He sees the way Jack's smile falls, for the briefest of moments before he covers it up again. Like the pained grimace wasn't even there. John wants to reach over and strangle Dr Robby.
How was he this oblivious!? This stupid? How could he not realize that he was breaking the man's heart?
It's almost surprising how angry he is about it.
And the next day, when they're back for a new shift, John sees the dark undereye bag, the giant mug of coffee Jack never drinks at work and the most miserable aura emanating from his mentor. He knows it’s not going to be an easy day.
Then Dr Robby walks into the ER with a hickey and it's like all the air gets sucked out of the room.
The room is vibrating with a tension he could cut with a knife as Jack avoids everyone more than usual. Shen keeps quiet and leaves him alone for the day until there's a patient with a strange asystolic rhythm. And as always he approaches his mentor first, forgetting what was happening.
“Dr Abbot, are you -” he starts but is cut off with a loud and snarled,
“I’m fine!”
John takes a step back with his hands raised, surprised but also hurt. Jack had reprimanded him before but it was usually because he made a mistake. Any other ‘fights’ if he could even call them that was them bickering over something stupid.
But he pushes away his own hurt for a moment and steps in closer to ask,
“I was going to ask if you’re free. I needed help with a case.”
The hurt he is feeling is immediately replaced by worry the moment he sees his mentor’s tense expression morph into that of guilt and shame.
“Shit- sorry kid. I’m free. Whatcha got?”
John leads him through the symptoms and as they head over to South 10, he hears someone laugh. Jack turns his head because he always looks at Robby, always and John doesn’t because he knows what's coming.
John knows heart break. He knows it well. But seeing it on someone’s face is new. Seeing it crumble before his eyes is new.
And the worst of it, there was nothing to do about it.
The next day, his mentor seems fine. Well, he looks it. However John had gotten used to reading the man. He was barely holding himself together and the quiet way he was moving about was because of shame. For what, he doesn’t know but he wants to find out.
So when Jack sneaks off for a smoke, Shen moves to follow. But before he can, he’s caught squarely by the scruff of his neck, large hands grabbing his shoulders and turning him towards-
“Dr Robby?” He asks, his voice a little too harsh. He has to reign himself in as Robby speaks
“Listen, kid.”
“John is fine.” He can’t help himself, his voice comes out clipped and a little impatient, eager to get out of this conversation.
“John, listen, can you keep an eye on Jack when I’m not around?”
John looks up at Robby curiously. He knows the man is clueless or atleast doesn’t see all the love his friend holds for him, despite the fact that Jack's chest was transparent for Robby to see through. But he knows, while Robby might not be in love with Jack, he did love him and care for him.
It didn’t really help his annoyance, instead, it almost seemed to fuel the fire of his anger.
Are you an idiot?
Is what he wants to say but he instead asks,
“Sure, is everything alright?”
“I want to say yes but,” He glances at the door, the door that led to the exit. No, the door that led to the stairs upstairs.
“He was on the roof last night.”
John’s blood runs cold,
“Was he-”
“No, no. He was sitting on the railing. He wasn’t okay but he wasn’t going to-”
Both of them can’t say it but they both know.
“Just keep an eye on him when I’m not here, yeah?”
John just nods, biting back a comment and Robby finally lets him go. He takes a moment to gather his thoughts and turns to make his way outside when he sees Jack coming back into the ER, running besides a gurney. Shen rushes in to help immediately.
He gets a moment alone with Jack only when the shift is over and if he's a little too close the whole day, neither of them say anything about it. They both share a cigarette because John never brought his own cigarettes and Jack had gone through his whole pack except one. So they sat at the stairs near the ambulance bay in relative silence of the night.
“I’m sorry for snapping at you yesterday.” Jack says finally once they reach the end of their shared cigarette, passing it back to John who takes it with a shrug.
“I’m sorry about Dr Robby.”
And it’s the first time they really acknowledge it. John knew that Jack was irrevocably in love with Dr Robby and Jack knew that he knew. It had been an open secret, something they knew but didn’t talk about. Until now.
“Yeah. Me too.”
John finally turns to look at his mentor, his smile tired. It's the most vulnerable he's seen the man yet. His eyes are glossed with tears.
And yet.
He's still holding back.
There's that familiar feeling again and John for the life of him can't figure it out.
“They could break up.”
Jack barks out a laugh and hides his face as he does so.
“Is that your shitty way of making me feel better?”
Shen grins at him,
“I’m serious. They could break up. Dr Robby could have weird crumbs on his computer. His locker might fill up with packing peanuts. Epic might lock him out. Hey, I have thumbtacks in my bags.”
Jack looks over at him again, trying to look annoyed but failing.
“Don't do anything stupid kid.” he says fondly and John just grins wider in response.
“Me? I will never be caught doing something like that”
The few days after that is tough but Jack mellows out slowly. And John, he follows through on his promises. At least one of them. When hundreds of packing peanuts fall out of Robby’s locker, Jack’s eyes turn to him. But John’s face is neutral, confused maybe and a little amused but no way suspicious. He is never found out.
If he’s also a little meaner to Dr Robby then it was between him and all the deities he didn’t believe in. He wasn’t outright rude of course, that was still his senior attending but he enjoyed seeing Robby’s confused, scrunched up face at least once a shift. Any attempts by Jack to make him knock it off were quickly dismissed and not even heard.
Everything was okay. Until it wasn’t.
He remembers waking up that day and everything felt… off. The sunrise outside was a bit too bright for October. The day was too warm. And when he walked into the ER, everything seemed a little too.. much. He says that but he doesn’t know if it actually did or his brain was retroactively imagining it that way.
As always he first made his way to Jack who’s expression was pinched, like he was in pain. And he was. His usual footsteps were wrong, He dragged his prosthetic a bit too much and every amount of strain made him grimace more.
He asks if he’s okay but gets waved off. And he knows far too well to not push too much.
Jack tells him Robby and Adamson both had the day off. He feels the pitt in his stomach grow bigger.
But then the kid dies.
And they’re all staring at Jack, to say something. Anything. He doesn’t.
He just walks out and John doesn’t even move to follow him. They were all thinking the same thing.
There was nothing to say here.
But he keeps his eyes on him after all the same.
The rest of the shift goes smoothly and John's about to pull aside his mentor, maybe coax him outside for a smoke when two gurneys are rushed in.
And one of them dies.
Shen offers to take the case, to tell the remaining half of the couple about the other’s death. But Jack refuses, seeing something in them that he didn't. Besides, John is distracted by another case. And when he turns back around. Jack’s gone.
The pitt in his stomach only grows.
He asks everyone until-
The roof.
His footsteps thunder in his ears as he makes his way up the stairs. His own heart beat is almost louder than the air that rushes through when he opens the door to the roof.
And there he was. Jack Abbot.
Standing at the edge of the roof of the hospital.
John takes a few hurried steps forward but stops.
Calls out.
“Boss?”
Jack’s head whips back to look at him and there are tears in his eyes and god, this was all so familiar.
Familiar. Familiar. Familiar.
Those eyes. He knows those eyes so well.
“Boss, are you okay?” His voice is quiet but to the ears, it might as well have been a scream. His voice is shaking and so are his hands as they hover desperate to reach out and grab his mentor, pull him back into the right side, the safe side.
Nick. Are you okay?
“Why are you up here?” Jack asks him and he wants to shout at him about how he was dodging his question, that he should be asking, to please, please get off the roof. Instead he opens his mouth, which feels dry and sticky and it’s hard to speak but he says.
“You’ve had a tough day and I saw you head upstairs.”
“And you decided to follow me up here like a creep?”
Jack’s voice is harsh and like instinct John responds in kind, but his voice shakes. And he’s sixteen again. Gods, he is small again and afraid.
Nick! Please, please open your eyes. It’s.. okay, please open your eyes.
“It was that or find you on the pavement 2 minutes later apparently.”
“I wouldn’t-”
But he would.
John knew that look. And it hits him why Jack was so familiar.
He had seen that look for months and the ending of that had haunted him for years. Now it was back and he was somehow there again in that room covered in blood.
And still, he doesn’t know what to do. So he just says,
“Yes you would. I know that look.”
And he waits, too scared to move closer.
And Jack closed his eyes, hands, shaking rub his face tiredly.
Then slowly, but carefully, he climbs over the railing to his side, the right side, the safe side.
John stares for a moment before he all but throws himself into Jack's arm.. Jack stiffens. But he doesn’t let go, instead he holds all the more tighter. He pushes past the awkwardness of it all, pushes past the fear, the anger, the hurt. Pushes past the walls. He presses his face into the older man’s shoulders like he was 16 again, clinging onto his older brother. Like he was afraid he’d be gone all over again.
Then he feels the hand wrap around his head, cradle him close, And Jack whispers, voice shaky and tearful.
“I’m okay, kid. I’m okay.”
But it’s not. It hadn’t been for a long time and here they were.
The silence is deafening but John focuses on just the beat of his heart and then Jack’s. Then when Jack moves to push away, he holds on for a moment longer before letting go.
“We’re heading downstairs. You're going to drink some tea in the break room while I finish charting. Then I’m dropping you home.”
He expects Jack to fight back, argue but some switch seems to have been flipped because he just nods.
So, he leads his attending down to the ED, parks him at the break room before making his way to the nursing station.
Lena is standing there already, having taken over for charge nurse Dana long gone as their shift had come to an end already.
“You okay Dr Shen?” she asks and he wonders for a moment what he looks like. She looks right through him in a way he doesn't know what to do with. But he doesn't know if he still has the strength to keep up a mask.
“Isn't your shift already over?”
“Yeah. Yeah it is.” He says quietly, finally meeting her eyes,
“Lena, I need to finish some charting. Could you get Dr Abbot some tea in the break room?”
“Tea? For that man?”
“That's what he needs today.”
Lena gives him another look over before nodding. Then she made her way to the break room and he collapsed into his chair to finish his work.
He's nearly done when a cup is pushed near his computer. He looks up and finds Lena giving him a look as she says,
“You need this too.”
He smiles slightly and takes the cup,
“Thank you.”
He finishes his cup, tells Lena goodbye and takes Jack back home. The car ride is silent with both men struggling to say something. He drops him off at home with a promise to see him tomorrow.
And John goes back home.
And he can't sleep. How can he after that? He twists and turns and when he gives up on sleep all together he starts going through his wallets and his drawers until-
Sam Manroe
Psychotherapist
“She works mainly with ex-military clients. You should go.” he says, handing Jack the card. But, he doesn't take it. He pushes it away from him gently and John can't help but feel annoyed.
Jack needed this. They both knew that. He knew that.
“It was just an overwhelming day. I’m fine, kid.”
“If there’s a time you’re not then please come find me.” His voice is quiet, soft and he’s baring his heart in a way he hasn’t for a long time. But he doesn’t push for more. He can’t now. All he can do is wait and keep an eye.
Thankfully, he doesn’t have to wait long because at the end of the day, Jack nudges him towards the ambulance bay for a smoke and when they sit down, Jack asks him for the card.
He gives it easily. He doesn’t ask what happened. He doesn’t need to. Jack took the card and that was all that mattered.
He doesn’t take the offered smoke and instead just watches his mentor. There’s a moment of silence before he says,
“Things do get better, you know? Tomorrow will be better.”
“And if it’s not?”
“Then you say it again tomorrow. Because at some point, it will be.”
John wonders for a while if those words he had spoken had been a curse to the world. Tomorrow wasn’t better. The pandemic starts quickly after, the world taken by a storm and the hospital by the patients. One after another, sick and struggling to breathe.
But he quickly dismisses the thought. The world was fucked in it’s own right. He didn’t need to blame himself on top of that, not when the others were doing it for him.
The virus brings out the worst in people, he thinks as he steps back after a patient spits at him.
“It’s your fault.” The patient all but hisses at him. He takes several steps back, trying to contain his own bristling. This was hour 18 already, his double shift slowly chipping away at his sanity and his body was slowly edging towards giving up. His eyes were bloodshot and he was sweating under all the PPE.
“Sir, I’m just-”
“Save it. I want another doctor.”
He takes a deep breath and nods, making his way out of the trauma room and bumping straight into Dr Robby.
“Dr Shen, are you okay?” He sounds tired as well but he sees the way his eyes flick to his gown, where the spit was.
“Fine. Just, the patient wants another doctor.”
Robby raises one of his brows,
“Why?”
John looks at Robby tiredly,
“You know why.” His voice is clipped, tired and annoyed and angry.
“Let me handle it. You go take a break. Head home if you need it. Jack's coming in early anyway.”
“I'm fine.” He licks his lips, his mouth is dry and his voice sounds rough, grated.
“I have two more patients to check.”
“After some water. Five minutes in the breakroom at least. Go.”
John knows that tone. The don't argue with me voice that Robby uses when he's clearly frustrated and tired. And some part of him wants to snap at the man and ask him what the fuck he had to be frustrated about. He wasn't the one being spat at. Wasn't the one being told to go back where you're from , he wasn't the one who was hated even though all he was trying to do was help, he wasn't the one being looked at like a rat who brought the plague.
But he feels a hand on his shoulders,
“Come on Dr. Shen. Grab some coffee with me.”
John's head snaps to his side and sees Langdon looking at him, a small grin, though tired.
When had he come in? Jesus. He needed water.
He nods quickly and feels himself be steered towards the breakroom. He can feel Langdon talking about something or the other but he can't hear it as he strips off his PPE and throws it into the trash. He walks inside after rubbing in the sanitizer into his hands and sits down on the couch with a low exhale.
“You okay man?”
“No. But that's just how everyone is right now.”
“Sure. But you're not looking your usual… weirdly zen self.”
John laughs at that, it sort of bubbles out of him. He rubs his face tiredly as he finally asks,
“Zen huh?”
“Yeah. Here.” he says handing him a bottle of water, the other hand holding an energy drink. For the first time in years, he feels a temptation to drink it. But he remembers the last time he drank 5 hour energy and decides to hold back.
“This is the worst time for me to quit smoking.” He says bitterly as he swipes the bottle and takes large gulps.
“You’re quitting? Good luck with that.”
John hums an agreement as he leans back and just sits there for a moment, staring at the bottle in his hand. There’s a moment of almost peace before the room bursts open and in comes Jack Abbot. He has that energy in him that one only has when they’re well rested and is ready for a fight. John feels like he’s lost ten.
“I heard Robby chewing out a patient again. What happened?”
“I got spat on. Again.”
He sees the way Jack’s face morphs into anger, then he leaves. He wants to stop him because he knows this will be another incident report waiting to happen. And yet, his body doesn’t move. The exhaustion seems to hit him all at once.
“You two are really close huh?” Langdon pipes up and Shen snorts,
“Alright Dr Robby’s favourite.”
“I’m not-”
“Spare me, man. We both know it’s true. And I won’t deny I’m Abbot’s favourite either.”
That shuts Langdon up and another moment of silence passes between them. There’s yelling from outside. He can hear Frank shift, rocking on his heels, almost preparing to say something.
Then the door opens and Dana peeks in,
“We have three people coming in five minutes. One of them only speaks Mandarin. We need you to translate Shen.”
John nods,
“Give me one. I’ll be out.”
Dana gives him a quick nod and closes the door behind her, leaving them alone.
John takes a long breath in, ready to steel himself again and get back out there but it breaks into a sob. There are no tears despite the fact that his eyes stung with them. They didn’t fall. He presses the heel of his palm into his eyes and tries to calm down because he needed to go back out there and Langdon was right there. And he couldn’t lose his shit. Not now.
He feels a hand on his shoulder again,
“I'm going to give you a hug. You can say no, but I think you need it.”
And after a beat of silence, he feels strong and warm arms wrap around him and pull him into a hug. It takes him a moment before he finally returns it but it's nice. Unlike his last hug which had been uncomfortable and difficult, this was easy. Langdon seemed to know exactly what he needed because it's perfect. He doesn't want to let go.
But he has to.
And when he does, he looks up to see baby blue eyes looking over him with so much concern, it takes him by surprise.
“I’m fine, man.” He says, voice just slightly shaky as he gets up from the couch.
“Sure you are.” Langdon says, amused disbelief in his voice as he also gets up and steps past him to grab a new PPE from one of the cabinets.
“Let me help you into the gown.”
And so he does. It feels odd, having someone so close to him like this. It’s even stranger because this is not the first time someone is helping him with a gown. And yet, he’s noticing it only now, the strange closeness. Then as he’s finishing up he feels the band of the faceshiels push around his head, and the gentle press of fingers against his head covering.
“Don’t forget your face shield. Get back out there man.”
And with that, he’s out in the cold, stark white of the ED again. His covered feet already making their way towards the gurneys that were pulling up. And if he thinks about the fingers that brushed the back of his neck when tying the gown, it's between him and him alone.
That shift ends only after 3 more hours and by the time he reaches home, he feels like a pile of jelly. And that’s how the rest of the pandemic goes. He does his best to push past the hate, the disgust in everyone’s eyes but it's hard.
And then Adamson gets sick. John sees how much it affects the whole ED. Especially Robby, who was acting as the interim chief until Adamson got better and desperately tried to hold it all together.
Dr Abbot helps him the best he could, shouldering a lot of the responsibilities with him. Jack took more of the night shift though they still worked together more often than not. They had even moved in together a year into the pandemic and when Jack had told him that, he couldn't help but give him a look of disbelief. He’s in the on-call room. He wanted to take a nap before he heads home, not trusting himself to drive this tired. But now he was wide awake.
“I thought he was with Collins.”
“They broke up.”
“Okay. But you can’t be the rebound guy either.”
“We’re just isolating together. I’m not trying to get together with him.” Jack huffs and John rolls his eyes,
“So what is this? Charity work?” His words come out a little too harsh and he sees the way Jack stiffens, hackles rising.
“I’m not asking for your approval here. I’m telling you.”
John glares right back, stubborn and knowing that he was crossing a line but his senior needed to hear this.
“You’ve been in love with him for years and moving in together during this shit storm– you know this is going to hurt, man. Why would you do this to yourself?”
He gets no answer. How could he? Jack could barely accept the fact that he was desperately in love with his friend. Let alone the fact that it was a little too unhealthy. That Jack needed Robby a lot more than the other way around.
Jack leaves and John doesn’t bother to follow. He hopes Jack rethinks it but he doubts it. He tries to go back to sleep. He fails.
He groans and does the logical thing, he doordashes himself iced coffee from the nearby Dunkin to get himself through the drive. He pointedly ignores his senior attending as he makes his way out to the ambulance bay to grab his order and sneaks his way back into the break room when he sees Langdon there, sitting quietly on the couch, scrolling through his phone. It’s a strange sight.
Langdon was always moving around, quipping and pissing off the nurses, a cardinal sin in his eyes. He was never quiet.
“Everything good?” He asks as he takes a seat at the chair across Langdon and sips his coffee. God, he had needed this.
“I’m good. Just miss my kids.” He replies with a sigh, closing his phone to look at him. His eyes as usual are crystal clear blue but they're a little red rimmed and he looks tired.
He still looks beautiful.
He shoves that thought back immediately.
“I’m isolating so, you know-”
He trails off with a wave of his hands and Shen can’t help but shrug. Because to be honest, he didn’t know. He lived alone. He didn’t have a partner and kids nor did he plan on getting one anytime soon. There’s a moment of silence between them. And Shen just watches him in between his sips of coffee which are finally jolting him awake again.
“You don’t have any family here?”
“No. I.. I’m an only child and my parents have been dead for a while.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“Wife? Kids?”
“I’m gay.”
“Oh. I didn’t-”
Shen can’t help but chuckle,
“Again, don’t worry about it. I don’t really talk about it. I just like keeping my private life separate.”
“Really?”
There’s genuine surprise in his voice and Shen can't help but ask,
“You sound surprised.”
“I mean the way you and Dr Abbot act-”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you two act like siblings. Aren’t you two friends out of work?”
John shrugs and suddenly he feels a bit uncomfortable.
“I don't know about friends.. and we haven't really met outside of work really. I don't know if after work drinks count.”
They weren't friends. Not really. They were just co-workers.
And that really bothered him. He doesn't know why and he doesn't want to linger on it either. So he changes the topic at hand,
“Besides he has Dr Robby.”
“And who do you have?”
Frank turns it back to him immediately. And it's a good question. It really is.
Because who did he really have? His family was long gone. He worked most everyday and the friends he had out of med school or the hospital, they couldn't understand what he was going through. Nor would he want them to. And the ones who were in it, well they had their own shit to deal with and were too busy. Hell, he was too busy.
So really, who did he have?
Shen narrows his eyes at the man across from him who just raises his brow at him, unaware that he was unravelling a thread John had been content with ignoring. He had always been very independent to begin with. And now, the pandemic had drained him so much, he hadn’t even realized that he had been isolating himself completely.
“No one, I guess.”
Langdon gives him a pained smile, full of understanding. It’s too much.
He wants to look away. He doesn’t. Instead he watches as Langdon’s finger digs into his phone case, picking at the raised portion at the points as he speaks. Some part of him wants to reach out and hold them. His finger twitches but he keeps it firmly wrapped around his coffee cup.
“I get it, you know. I… I know I have my wife and kids but I'm sleeping separately in that shed right now and then I get home at the end of the day and I can’t even hug them, it feels like I’m all alone in the world after all.”
And it’s nothing similar to what he has. Not really.
John is alone because he was a solitary creature. He didn’t mean it but at this point it was intentional more than not. It hurt, sure, but it wasn't anything new. His therapist and him have talked about this before and he was sure they will agan.
But Frank, well, he clearly thrived with people. He wanted that closeness but because of the current circumstances, didn’t have it.
And it hurt him in a way John didn’t really understand.
But.
He wanted to help. He didn’t want to see the man hurt. To see him this sad.
“We could be there for each other.” He says, voice too calm for someone who spoke before he can even think about it.
“What?”
“I mean, you’re alone, so am I. And my apartment’s open, if you ever feel like that shed is feeling a little too empty. Just swing by.”
It’s a stupid thing to offer. His home of all things. He didn’t like sharing, and hated when people moved his things. Shit he barely had room on his couch and yet- Is this how Jack felt around Robby?
Fuck.
“I know you said you like keeping your private life separate. So, it’s kind of you to offer but you really don’t have to.”
Shen shakes his head and reaches out to grab Frank’s hand to stop him speaking more.
“I want to. Besides, I’d offer to grab drinks first but it’s kind of the end of the world.” He jokes but he can hear the way he is trying a little too hard. He bites back the grimace that threatens to show. He is also still holding his hand.
Langdon thankfully laughs,
“I guess your apartment has to do for now then. And don’t worry about the drinks, I can grab us some.” He says with a smile and Shen feels his treacherous heart skip a beat.
Then the door opens and in walks Robby. The sound of the door opening makes him let go of Langdon’s hand like he was a kid with his hand stuck in a cookie jar. Frank only gives him a teasing grin. He just huffs at him in return.
Robby glances at the two of them and John can see the gears turning in his head as he says,
“Langdon, come join me for this STEMI.” His words come out slow before he shakes his head and addresses him directly,
“And Shen, go home. Don’t make me say it again.”
Shen only nods at Robby
“I’ll swing by after my shift then?” Langdon asks as he gets up and Shen is once again surprised by how eager Langdon is to find a space for himself. It’s awfully endearing.
“Only if you bring beer.” He says with a nod and the other man gives him another smile.
“You got it. Text me your address? You have my number right?”
“Yeah.”
“Sweet. See you then.”
John nods and watches as Langdon leaves the break room followed closely by Robby who glances back with a knowing look.
John knows Jack will tease him to no end the next time they meet because while Robby might be oblivious to his own friend, he was rather perceptive of other people. He is sure Robby will tell Jack because despite it all, they were still best friends.
He would take it without any anger as an apology for being ass earlier.
But that doesn’t happen. Their shifts don’t line up because Shen takes more and more of the night shift and then-
Adamson dies.
And Dr Robby's a mess. It's expected of course but he doesn't leave his side at all and Dana doesn't know what to do. And Jack is not there and there are too many patients in the ED for them to help him properly. There is no other attending today and the senior resident even though he is just a recent R3, is him.
So John straightens his back and with the help of Dana forces a room in the morgue to open. Then he leads Adamson’s body and then Robby to it. He hates that he has to do it but they need the room, they need the space and-
He’s in the middle of admitting another patient when he sees Jack come in and it hits him. Fuck, Robby was still here.
John corners the man at the nursing station and the first thing that tumbles out of his mouth is,
“Dr Adamson’s dead.”
Jack stiffens and his face morphs through all stages of grief before it settles into worry. And then he asks,
“Robby?”
Mention of him makes guilt crawl up his chest. He forgot and he didn’t even call Jack. And Robby was still there, in the cold of the morgue.
“In the morgue. He’s not- Boss, he’s not doing well.” His voice shakes and he's surprised by it. He'd been holding it all together so well but he didn't realise how he had been gritting his teeth, how his shoulders were aching or that he had tears in his eyes. Fuck.
“Okay. Okay, thank you. Are you-” Jack reaches out for him but he flinches back. He was in PPE and Jack was just in a mask and he's been swung at too many times these few months and he's tired and he knows he can’t linger here at this moment.
“I’m okay. You need to go.” He says and Jack nods quickly before moving past him quickly. And John lets himself watch for just a moment before he's pulled into looking over another patient. He cannot linger, he can’t stop, he can only keep moving, one step after another until-
The shift ends, he’s in the break room and Lena is there too and she has tears in her eyes too. And Shen realizes Dana probably just caught her up on what happened.
What happened..
It hits him all over again. Adamson is dead.
He finally starts crying and when the night shift charge nurse pulls him into a hug, he goes willingly.
He has the next day off but it’s followed by a double which he doesn’t mind as much. He wakes up strangely well rested and when he walks into his living room, Langdon is passed out on his couch, snoring slightly. He doesn’t even know when he’d walked in but it was clear that he had come in to check on him if the slightly melted iced coffee in the fridge was an indication. He wakes the man up after brewing him a cup of black coffee and sends him back home to his family, ignoring the twinge in his heart.
He then goes to work.
The first half is surprisingly with Robby but he takes it in stride. There's something off about him and he carries a shame that he hasn’t noticed in him before. It's not the usual guilt that he carried but more. Something had happened. But he doesn’t ask. How can he?
Adamson’s death still hung heavy in the air. He can only chalk it up to that.
When Robby pulls him aside and thanks him for parking him in the morgue, he can't help but shake his head, his usual mask slipping.
“Please don’t thank me for that. I barely did anything.”
Robby grabs his shoulder, squeezes. He looks at him properly and sees that his eyes are still brimming with tears.
“You did more than you should have had to. Thank you.”
And John understands why Jack Abbot loved Michael Robinavitch so intensely. For a moment, just a moment. Because despite the inherent sadness of it all, there was a warmth to him that soothes his aching heart. The guilt, the hurt, the exhaustion he had been carrying around, for a moment, felt lighter.
People like Robby, (and Frank, his mind adds unhelpfully) are easy to love. Him and Jack? Not so much. They didn’t make it easy.
The day ends and the night shift starts. He watches the handover from a distance, watches the stiffness of Jack’s shoulder, the way he pulls his hand away from his shoulder like it burns him and keeps a distance from Robby. There was shame again, both of them carrying it. Something had happened. Something between them that wasn’t just the death of Adamson.
He wants to ask. But he can’t. There’s a moment of silence that Jack breaks.
“Ellis?” Their new R2. She had moved following her girlfriend here and usually only worked the night shift. He liked her. But she had a rough shift.
“Home early. I told her to go home.”
“Didn’t even ask me?”
“You would have said the same. She… needed it.”
“Fair enough.”
It shocked him how easily Jack trusted him. No further questioning. Just a simple acceptance. It feels hard to accept considering one of the first things he did when he met the man was lie to him. And so the follow up question hits harder.
“How are you holding up?”
John takes a moment to think before shrugging,
“Honestly, not that bad, considering the shit show that was yesterday.”
And by yesterday he meant his last shift. But he didn’t want to talk about that.
“You just pulled a double man. I don't know how you're even awake.”
“I enjoy the night shift.” He did. The night brought along a calmness that cleared his head and gave him space to breathe. And he knew it was the same for Jack.
“Also, it's called being not 50 and having a bedtime at 9.”
“And not you stealing my energy drinks? Yeah, I know that's you, asshole. Stop stealing my shit.”
John just gives him that same shit eating grin, not even hiding the tupperbox of Jack’s dinner that he had all but stolen and Abbot shakes his head as he takes a long drag of his cigarette.
“How's Robby doing?” Shen had asked at last, talking in between big bites of pasta. He only hears the way Jack forces himself to relax with a long sigh.
“I honestly don't know.” His voice is quiet, tired, full of hurt. John hums but doesn’t push.
But then.
“I think I fucked up. And.. I don’t know how I can fix it.”
Fucked up. That could mean a lot of things and it narrows down very little for him. Their weird tension but the fact that they still talked. It was strange. He chews slowly, on the words and his food before finally,
“You’ll figure it out, Boss. You always do.”
And he believes it. He really does. Whatever might have happened, he knew that both of them loved each other too much to let go so easily.
“I don’t know if your confidence in me is the best reassurance.” Jack replies with a huff of laughter, and there’s a fondness there that is familiar.
“It’s better reassurance than your past experience with romance, man.”
Jack snatches his tupperware back from John’s hand without a beat of hesitation.
“Food access revoked.”
“Hey!-”
“That’s what you get for being an ass.”
Jack kicks his shin when the laughs finally bubble out of him and he is back in his childhood living room, bickering with his older brother about the TV. His heart aches with the love of it all.
He remembers his conversation with Langdon. About not having a family.
“And who do you have?”
“No one, I guess.”
In some weird fucked up way, he did have someone. A family. A weird brother he had somehow managed to pick up.
John wasn’t easy to love and neither was Jack. And yet here they were anyway. Two strays.
He needs to talk to Jack. To tell him. That whatever had happened, he would be here and he didn’t need to rely on just Robby alone. That other people needed him too and that he had other people in his corner, even though right now, it was just him. It would be more.
But he doesn’t say that. Instead as Jack shifts, getting off the railing he says,
“Speaking of romance though, I think I have a crush on Langdon.”
Jack stops dead in his tracks and turns to him, his surprise slowly morphing into this glee. John would normally regret it, feel the embarrassment of saying something out loud but as the older man ribs him about it and they bicker about it in the dead of the night, it all feels strangely okay.
Things will be better tomorrow.
They haven’t talked about what happened between him and Robby and they won’t until Shen finishes his third year of residency. Shen would hug him then, not just give him an awkward pat or joke away the misery. He would fuck with Robby’s access to Epic though and he would only grin at Jack when he punches his shoulder for that.
Things will be better tomorrow.