Chapter Text
The first time he saw him, Han Taesan was wearing the school uniform:
A white shirt with a red striped tie, a dark navy blazer, and a black backpack slung over one shoulder.
Jaehyun knew this boy was different—not because he introduced himself as Han Taesan even though the name tag on his left side said otherwise, not because he wore headphones covered in colorful stickers, not even because his fingernails were painted black, red and a smiley face.
It wasn't any of that.
It was because he walked slowly toward the empty seat beside him—and smiled.
At him.
He smiled.
Why was he smiling at him?
He would never know.
He would never know why he chose to sit next to him when there were other empty seats, or why he placed his lunch tray across from him in the cafeteria, or why Han Taesan kept trying to get close to him day after day—and Jaehyun let him.
They didn’t speak, but the company was enough.
At least, for Jaehyun, it was.
But then he started seeing him everywhere:
on the bus ride home, in the gym field, at the town festivals.
One day, the sunset was striking. The sky glowed with shades of orange, the spring breeze moved his hair, and Jaehyun’s hollow heart seemed to relax when he felt a presence beside him.
He didn’t need to look—he knew Taesan was there.
They didn’t say anything. They never did.
But Taesan's presence was always warm,
different from the rest of his friends.
Jaehyun had many friends. He talked to everyone. But somehow, he always felt empty.
The bus arrived. Jaehyun tapped his card, the small beep marking his fare. He walked toward the back seats—most were empty, thankfully.
It didn’t surprise him anymore that Taesan sat next to him.
Not anymore.
But this time was different.
It was different.
Taesan opened one of the front pockets of his backpack, pulled out some wired earphones, plugged them into his phone, and swiped through his screen. Jaehyun glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, then turned back to the window.
He smiled faintly when he heard the music—“I Don’t Love You” by My Chemical Romance, loud enough that Jaehyun could hear it too.
“You like My Chemical Romance?” he asked.
Taesan turned his head, pulling out one earbud. “Hm?”
“Do you like My Chemical Romance?”Jaehyun repeated.
Taesan nodded, lips pressed together.
Jaehyun smiled even more. His fluffy hair and flushed cheeks made him look kind of adorable.
“Me too” Jaehyun said.
He saw the boy with dark hair lower his chin and smile softly, shyly, before looking back up with those brown eyes that seemed to shine in the golden sunset.
He held out one of the earbuds. “Want to listen?”
He should’ve said no.
He should’ve known that the warmth Taesan gave him was too much for his heart. He should’ve pushed him away and told him his mind was a maze of dead ends that would lead nowhere. He should’ve controlled how his body relaxed without realizing how tense it had been.
It was dangerous.
It was dangerous to let him in.
Dangerous for Taesan to know the darkest sides of him, hidden behind a mask that grew heavier every day.
It was dangerous.
But he accepted it—because his heart betrayed him.
Because maybe that moment was the happiest he'd felt in weeks.
And he would cling to it, even if his heart was full of thorns that might one day cut him in return.
“When you go, would you have the guts to say ‘I don’t love you like I loved you yesterday?’” he softly sang.
The last time he saw Han Taesan, it was raining.
One of the rainiest nights of the year.
Jaehyun stood across the street, watching the bar. Loud inside. Laughter, music, clinking glasses—all muffled from the park where he waited.
Water dripped from his blue umbrella, soaking his black sneakers, his socks damp from the inside.
He didn’t wait long.
Taesan stepped out, putting on a leather jacket and crossing the empty street, shielding his reddish bangs with a hand—trying in vain to stop the raindrops from hitting him.
Jaehyun blinked a few times, watching him closely until the boy stepped under his umbrella, the rain no longer stinging his lashes.
Taesan’s cheeks were flushed—maybe from the alcohol. His red hair made his pale skin look even paler, and his lips were a soft pink, almost like velvet.
Jaehyun swallowed hard. The wait was killing him inside.
“I didn’t know you were coming,” Taesan said softly. “Why didn’t you show up earlier? We were celebrating.”
Jaehyun looked away.
He didn’t know where to focus. His shoes? The wet sidewalk? Anywhere but Taesan’s face.
Because he couldn’t meet his eyes without wanting to break, without wanting to hug him and beg for forgiveness. Even if he couldn’t forgive himself.
So why would someone else?
“I didn’t come because I’m not going to Daehan University.” His voice trembled.
Taesan’s eyes narrowed. He swayed slightly.
“What? You didn’t get in?”
“I didn’t apply.”
Taesan’s mouth opened, but no words came out. The rain pounded harder on the umbrella, and Jaehyun’s grip trembled.
“I... I don’t understand... It was your dream. It was ours,” Taesan said,breaking voice, shaking his head over and over. His gentle voice made Jaehyun want to run. It was for the best.
He kept telling himself that.
Better to leave him now, before he couldn't live without him.
Better to hurt him, so he’d walk away in peace—so that the blades inside Jaehyun wouldn’t reach his heart and leave him bleeding in the end.
“Let’s stop this here, Dongmin.”
Dongmin.
Taesan's eyes were unreadable. He didn’t blink. He just stared.
Dongmin.
He clicked his tongue, and Jaehyun thought he’d die, that the earth would swallow him whole—if it hadn’t already.
“Stop what?” His voice was rough—enough to make Jaehyun nauseous.
“Whatever this is,” he said.
The air went still.
Taesan didn’t speak. That wasn’t normal.
He never stayed silent—he was changing.
But wasn’t that what Jaehyun wanted? right?
“Am I just the easiest thing for you to throw away?” Taesan asked.
The pain in his voice was clear—it shook, his eyes glistened, and his body screamed heartbreak.
He was angry. And hurt.
His father had been right.
Jaehyun didn’t answer.
“Say it.”
Well-fed demons behave better than starving saints. But a saint with a dark soul—who could save him? Who could pull him from the depths when he couldn’t breathe?
His life had always been like this: pretending and pretending. Drowning in temporary happiness that never filled even a corner of his chest. Clinging to it out of fear that one day, he’d have none at all.
But was that happiness? Was that being okay?
Not until he met Taesan. Not until he sat beside him. Not until his presence chased away the cruel thoughts. Not until he stopped feeling alone.
But Jaehyun’s heart had scales. It was broken and hollow. And the only way to protect it was to let others bleed instead. He wouldn’t be the broken one this time.
No—not this time.
He had to protect Taesan from himself. Because Taesan deserved someone better. Someone with a healthy mind. Someone whose life brought joy.
Why let someone give you peace and love when you can’t give it back?
He didn’t deserve him.
Taesan was too good. Too good for him.
“…Yeah,” Jaehyun said. “You’re the easiest thing for me to throw away.”