Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

It’s not the sort of thing she thinks about often; it’s not a very dramatic story, and it makes her parents upset to talk about it, so they don’t. Sometimes, she wishes they would. It feels weird that it happened to her but she’s the one who doesn’t remember.

The sum of what she does remember boils down to: pain in her tummy and being hot all over, even when her daddy puts icepacks all around her; a sound flooding her greyed-out bedroom—her mother, crying, the most horrible thing she’s ever heard; and the hospital afterwards, white and bright. There had been a nurse who had crept around at night to look at all the machines and sat with Yelena when she couldn’t sleep. She’d been the one to bring breakfast too, very early. Yelena had been so sick it was hard to lift the spoon and even swallow; as a reward for eating half the bowl of porridge (disgusting), the nurse had brought her one of each flavour of jelly they had, a kindness delivered with a wink.

All in all, it had been unpleasant but not such a big deal. She thinks of it rarely and remembers less—she was only five. But the body remembers. That night, Death came to Yelena and while she came away unharmed, she did not come away untouched; in a hidden corner of her heart, tucked away small and patient, Death remained.

(6.)

Yelena makes her body heavy and uncooperative as she’s being dragged from the car. Her kidnapper swears when Yelena manages to hook her foot into the seatbelt, tugging them both to a stop for as long as it takes to get her free.

‘Shit! You’re making this harder than it needs to be,’ Natasha huffs, which is true, but, crucially, Yelena doesn’t care.

‘I wanna go home.’

‘Too bad. Melina said we’re going to the park so we’re going to the park. You know that’s how this works.’

‘No! I wanna go home!’

‘Too bad!’

Yelena throws her head back into Natasha’s chest—‘Ow? What the fuck?’—and claws into her legs.

‘Take me home or I’m gonna tell Mama you said fuck.’

‘Good luck with that, idiot. You just said it too.’

‘…Fuck.’

Natasha snorts. She lowers Yelena’s shoulders to the ground and leans over her to untangle her foot—a task made more challenging because Yelena’s doing her very best to kick her in the face.

‘Hey! Stop—ow! Stop kicking me! I’m being nice but if you keep—Yelena,’ she growls, when Yelena’s free foot hits her in the shoulder. ‘Stay still or I swear to god I’m gonna pull your leg so hard your foot comes off.’

It doesn’t sound like something body parts do but Yelena doesn’t know enough about it to disagree with her sister, who knows everything. Sulkily, she lets Natasha pin her free leg to her side and unhook the other. When Natasha frees her, Yelena falls limp, body sliding fully onto the sidewalk like a melted ice-cream girl. 

‘Thanks for all your help,’ Natasha bites out, in the hard tone she reserves for their dad.

It’s met with a boisterous laugh, which isn’t a good idea. Natasha hates being laughed at. Yelena starts to roll away slowly and secretly but her sister catches her, stepping on her shirt. Yelena sighs.

‘You are much better at getting her out than me! The last time I tried, she—’

‘Broke your nose, yeah, you always say that.’

‘It’s true! Bam! Right to the face! Blood everywhere! I used to be twice as handsome, you know,’ he is still complaining as Natasha grabs Yelena’s backpack in one hand and Hessie in the other and kicks the car door shut. Alexei rolls down the window to complain—‘Enough with the kicking, Natashka!’—and wave goodbye, half his huge body shoved through the window. ‘Have fun! I will be back! Be good for your sister, Yelena!’

‘No!’

‘Be good! Or I will tell Melina that you both owe the swear jar.’

Yelena thinks about it for a second and crosses her arms, glaring up at the sky and its puffy white clouds. ‘Fine.’

Alexei throws smacking air kisses out the window at them and peels away from the kerb. Natasha scoffs. She puts Yelena’s backpack on her own shoulders but hands Hessie over; Yelena hugs her toy to her chest and stays unhelpfully limp so that Natasha has to scoop her up by the armpits and drag her like a dead body into the park. When they get close to the playground, grass turns to dirt and then mulch underfoot. Yelena’s heels dig lines into the mulch and she wiggles her feet to leave patterns behind them.

‘Having fun now?’ Natasha asks, a laugh tucked into her words.

Yelena freezes. ‘No.’ Maybe she’d forgotten she didn’t want to be here for a second but that doesn’t mean she’s having fun. ‘It’s stupid. I hate it here.’ The breath is knocked out of her when Natasha abruptly drops her. ‘Ow! What was that for?’

‘Sorry.’. Her sister crouches next to her. Prods at Yelena’s forehead, even when she smacks at her hand. ‘What’s going on in there? Why do you hate it?’

Yelena frowns down at Hessie, her black button eyes glittering in the afternoon sun. ‘You wouldn’t get it.’

‘Try me.’

She thinks about it but finally shakes her head. Natasha really wouldn’t get it. She’s being silly. Daddy would say a wet blanket. Mama would say unpleasant. Yelena just knows that there are days when the park—and the museum and the field with flowers and the treehouse, all the places she really likes—aren’t any fun.

Gentle now, Natasha tickles her fingers across the deep frown lines on Yelena’s forehead. The summer sun burns the ends of her brown hair white like a halo.

‘Do you wanna play monsters instead?’

‘…Yeah, okay.’

Yelena picks herself up, reluctant, and pats the mulch off her shorts. She grabs at her backpack, which Natasha pulls off one shoulder so she can unzip it, and tucks Hessie carefully inside.

‘Excuse me! Excuse me!’

Yelena looks up from her monster pit—it’s probably the biggest one she’s ever made, as wide around as a hula hoop, the edge lined with mulch and sticks and leaves—to see a little girl. Littler than Yelena, even if she’s the same height, with really long black hair and a baby face and blue-blue eyes. Bluer than Yelena has ever seen. Her face is all scrunched up in a big frown and Yelena scowls back at her, confused.

‘What? I’m not doing anything!’

‘Yes you are! You scared away all my friends!’ the girl insists and stomps her foot.

Looking around, Yelena doesn’t see any other kids.

There’s Natasha on the other side of the playground—she’s supposed to be making her monster pit but is watching Yelena and this girl instead—and really far away on the other side of the park, in the big field, are two boys kicking around a soccer ball. Their parents are on the bleachers and there’s a woman on a bench close to the car park Yelena guesses is the girl’s parent because there’s no one else here. Her nose crinkles.

‘What friends?’

‘My friends,’ the girl huffs, waving her arms around. ‘You didn’t see them?’

‘No.’

The girl sighs deeply, shoulders drooping, which makes Yelena feel bad like she’s done something wrong. But she really didn’t see anyone.

‘Sorry,’ she mutters.

The girl blinks at her. Her ears go pink and her eyes get all bright. Her smile starts small but really quick grows, huge and happy.

Yelena stares at her, uncertain. Her arms go stiff at her sides, hands curling closed.

‘Oh! That’s okay! Sorry I yelled at you. I’m not allowed to yell,’ the girl confesses, leaning in to whisper.

Yelena smiles. Mama tells her that all the time.

‘Mom says it gives her a headache. And I can’t do it ‘cause dad’s already being a pain so she can’t deal with it from both of us.’

That’s funny too. Yelena laughs. ‘My mama says it’s rude for little girls to yell. But Natka says I can do it at the park and mama doesn’t have to know.’

’Natka?’

‘She’s my Natka. You can call her Natasha.’ Yelena points across the playground to where her sister is still watching. She waves. Natasha waves back. ‘My sister.’

The girl makes a little o with her mouth. Her eyes get even bigger and brighter. ‘A sister,’ she whispers. ‘That’s so cool. Are you guys playing?’

‘Yeah.’

‘What are you playing?’

‘Monsters.’

‘How do you play?’

Yelena explains the rules—it’s the best game ever, basically, and you gotta make a monster pit and then you gotta try and steal stuff from the other monster pit and not get caught and Natasha is really bad at it—and goes back to piling leaves into her pit, trying to get everything to look nice with the stuff she’s found. She’s not allowed to pick up anything sharp but she found a bottle cap and a purple flower. The girl is still there when she looks up. Yelena sighs.

‘What?’

‘Can I play?’

‘No.’

This time, the girl's whole body droops, not just her shoulders. But she still doesn’t leave. Her hands skitter like two pale spiders across the front of her overalls where there’s little stars and lightning bolts stitched into them and her face gets all tight, squinty, and she says,

‘Why not?’

‘Because I’m playing with my sister. I don’t know you.’

‘I’m Kate! It’s nice to meet you!’ The girl—Kate—holds out her hand. Yelena frowns at it. Kate’s hand is very clean and Yelena’s isn’t; she hadn’t noticed until now but her hands are dirty, black under her nails from digging in the dirt. ‘And you scared away my friends so you should let me play with you.’

Yelena scoffs, crossing her arms. It hides her hands. And makes her look tough. ‘I didn’t see anyone. I don’t think you’ve got any friends.’

‘I do too!’

‘Where are they?’

Kate’s bottom lip juts out in a frustrated pout. She looks around but there’s no one here. ‘They left?’ she says like she’s not totally sure about it. ’They left ‘cause of you but they had stuff to do. They’ve got jobs. Byron flies airplanes.’

Yelena narrows her eyes at the girl. ‘That’s cool,’ she admits reluctantly. ‘I’ve been on a plane before.’

‘Really? I’ve flown heaps.’

Yelena hates that. She’s only flown once and it had been special too, because Natasha had never flown either and they did it together. Flying to their new home. It feels weird that this girl has flown heaps. She’s probably lying, which is bad. Or maybe she’s been flown to a lot of homes. Yelena eyes her again—her silky black hair, the bobbles tied into her ponytail that clatter whenever she moves, the shiny bracelet on her wrist, her big-big smile—and looks away. This isn’t a Red Room girl. Yelena knows what they look like. She takes a step back. She wants her sister but Natasha isn’t even looking at her anymore. She’s stopped making her monster pit and is sitting on a bench with her phone. Yelena’s stomach bubbles. Kate is still talking.

‘—blankets and candy and the funny things that go over your eyes so you can sleep and the air plane - um - maid? Was really nice! Her name was Danielle! Did you have an air plane maid? Were they nice? Did you like flying? Where did you go?’

‘We came here. From Russia.’

‘Russia… Where’s that?’

She thinks for a little while. Shrugs. 'North. It's far away.’

‘Cool! I haven’t gone there. I’ve gone to loads of places but not there. What’s it like? Is that why you talk funny?’

Yelena goes hot all over at the thoughtless words. It feels like she’s eaten a bucketful of sherbet, insides fizzing, and her hands go tight at her sides trying to choke the feeling up before it can get out.

‘I don’t talk funny.’

‘You do!’

‘No I don’t!’ She shoves the girl, hard.

Kate falls and lands on her butt with a gasp. Immediately, Yelena knows she’s in trouble. She’s not supposed to push. When she gets all hot like that she’s supposed to walk around and count to ten or go find Natasha. Not yell or hit people.

‘Shit,’ she says, which she’s also not supposed to do, and crouches next to Kate, who still only looks startled, not hurt. ‘Are you okay?’

‘You pushed me.’

‘…Yeah.’

Kate’s lip trembles. Her big blue eyes get a little watery and she sniffs. ‘I'm sorry. I like the way you talk,’ she says, very quietly. ‘I wasn’t being mean.’

‘You were,’ Yelena snaps, and winces as Kate’s lip trembles again. ‘Don’t cry!’

‘I can’t help it!’

‘I’ll get in trouble!’

‘You shouldn’t have pushed me then!’ Kate goes to rub her eyes and huffs when Yelena slaps her hands. ‘Why?’

‘You touched the ground! They’re dirty! You’ll get it in your eyes.’ She needs her sister. And her backpack. Looking over, she sees Natasha sitting tense and worried on the bench; when she waves her over, Natasha comes at a run.

‘Hey, паучонок. What happened? Are you okay?’

She asks Yelena first, hand drifting over the top of her head, before she looks at Kate and that’s enough to make the spitting fire-bright heat in Yelena’s chest settle.

‘…I pushed her,’ Yelena admits, tone grey and flat.

Natasha lifts her brows a little, scolding. Yelena looks away.

Kate perks up with a gasp. ‘It’s not her fault! I was being mean! On accident. But it was mean. It’s okay! I’m not hurt.’ Kate stands and wiggles one leg and then the other. ‘See?’

‘We gotta check your hands,’ Yelena tells her. ‘Natka! I need my bag!’

Natasha laughs for some reason but she takes the bag off her shoulders—‘Is that Superman? He’s cool!’ Kate praises the bag—and holds Hessie—‘Um. I like your…spider?’—very carefully as Yelena digs for the wipes she knows she put in here. When she finds them, she tells Kate to sit and stay—‘I’m not a dog,’ she complains but does sit—and takes her time to wipe over Kate’s hands, front and back. Her palms are a little red but not scratched and Yelena sits back with a relieved sigh.

‘See?’ Kate says again, eyes soft like cornflower petals. ‘I’m okay.’

Yelena nods. Her eyes feel hot now, which is new, and she holds her breath and blinks until it goes away.

‘You can play monsters with us if you want,’ Yelena offers. ‘Or we can play tag. But we have to find somewhere to put Hessie because she doesn’t like running. She’s delicate,’ she repeats the word Melina uses. The toy spider used to have eight legs but now she only has five; the stitching had started to come apart after some rougher play and the few times she’s had to be put through the laundry. Kate is looking at Hessie intently and Yelena still feels kinda bad about shoving her. She hopes Kate won’t tell anyone. ‘Do you want to hold her?’ she offers, very relieved when Kate shakes her head.

‘No thank you,’ Kate says politely. Her face looks funny, cheeks whiter than before and her eyes very wide. She sucks in a deep breath, which she didn’t do before, and Yelena is afraid that she might be about to talk forever. But all she asks is, ‘What kind of spider is she?’

‘Uh oh. You’ve done it now.’

‘Shut up, Natka!’ Yelena hisses. She turns back to Kate. ‘She’s a black widow! She — The — Her scientist name is Lat-ro-dec-tus hesperus,’ Yelena  has to squeeze her eyes shut to recall the right letters and beams when she gets it right. ‘That’s why her name is Hessie. My daddy made her! She’s my favourite.’

When Yelena opens her eyes, Kate is looking right at her, an odd look on her face. Bright and happy. She turns to Hessie and holds out her hand very stiffly.

‘It’s nice to meet you, Miss Hessie. My name is Katherine Bishop. I’m five and three quarters and I like birds and princesses and spaceships.’

Yelena looks sidelong at Natasha, confused, but Natasha is only smiling. Unhelpful. 

‘…You know Hessie is a toy, right?’

‘I’m being polite!’

‘That’s dumb,’ Yelena laughs at Kate, who only pokes out her tongue. ‘Fine. You can say hello to Hessie, dummy.’ She moves Hessie so one of her remaining legs is stretched out and Kate goes very tense but shakes it. She relaxes a lot when she’s touching Hessie and even pats her on the head.

‘Oh! She’s cute!’

‘Obviously.’

‘There’s nothing obvious about it,’ Natasha breaks in. ‘Hessie is super scary.’ It’s a major betrayal that now that's she's talking she’s on Kate’s side...but she does tug Yelena back to lean against her legs, hands smoothing her curls back.

‘I’m not scared,’ Kate huffs, but eyes Hessie warily until Natasha tucks her back into the backpack. ‘She’s very nice. I don’t have any of my toys with me. Um. I can tell you about them, if you want.’

‘No.’

Natasha snorts, the way she always does when Yelena says something rude. Yelena thinks about it and corrects herself.

‘No, thank you?’

Kate tilts her head and laughs. Her smile is so wide her eyes nearly close; Yelena misses the blue colour but she likes the way Kate smiles too. ‘You’re funny. And kinda mean. Did you still wanna play monster?’

Kate has to leave eventually, dragging herself slowly over to the woman on the bench when she calls for “Miss Bishop!”. Yelena is relieved when she’s gone, because Natasha comes back to play with her until Alexei comes to pick them up.

‘Did you have fun?’ Natasha asks when they’re walking back to the car,  waiting for them in the parking lot. Daddy leans out the window and waves at them. Yelena has insisted on wearing her backpack on the walk back. She unwraps one hand from the plastic strap and waves back.

‘Um. Yeah.’

‘So you don’t hate the park anymore?’

Yelena thinks about it. ‘The park sucks.’

‘Hm. Got it. But you liked playing with that girl. Maybe you made a friend?’

Yelena thinks about it for a moment. Are they friends? Natasha has some friends and they all laugh a lot and watch television in the basement and ride their bikes together. She hasn’t done any of that with Kate—she laughed a little but that was only because Kate kept saying weird stuff—so they’re probably not friends.

‘No.’

They’re nearly at the exit. Yelena scrambles up onto one of the benches along the path and walks along it, arms outstretched. Natasha slows down and holds out her hand for Yelena to grab onto if she needs it, which she doesn’t because she’s not a baby. She takes it for a second when it’s time to jump down but Natasha is the one to hold on, swinging their hands idly.

‘What’s her name?’

Yelena frowns up at her. ‘You were there? Her name is Kate!’

‘Kate. Hm. What’s she like? She was nice to Hessie.’

‘I guess. She was weird.’

‘Weird? Why?’

‘I dunno. She was weird. She talked a lot and said I made all her friends go away but there was no one there. But,’ Yelena adds, thinking of Kate’s big smile and how she listened close to Yelena and all the monster rules, ‘she was nice, I guess. Natka?’

‘Mm.’

Yelena grips her sister’s hand tightly. Her own hand feels sweaty and small and she doesn’t like the thought that Natasha could just…slip away.

‘Did you not wanna play today? With me?’

Natasha falters, stumbling on the path. Her eyes flick down to Yelena, startled. ‘What?’

‘It’s - it’s okay if you don’t,’ Yelena tells her, very bravely, but clings two-handed to her sister. ‘We don’t have to play all the time. And I’m really good at sitting still, you know, we don’t have to play monsters if you don’t—‘

‘Yelena,’ Natasha interrupts.

Yelena stops, because of course she does; when her sister says her name like that, she feels like the sun is tucked inside her chest. Like she could float up into the sky.

‘I always want to play with you. Promise. I just thought — it was nice, wasn’t it? To play with someone your age?’ Yelena crinkles her nose. Kate had been funny but exhausting and got distracted a lot and didn’t know her letters good enough to play I Spy. Natasha smiles when she tells her that. ‘I’m always going to be your sister. I’m always going to be here for you.’

‘But you want me to be friends,’ she says, the word dropping icky from her tongue, ‘with Kate.’

‘I think it would be nice, yeah.’

Yelena screws up her nose. ‘You liked her,’ she accuses.

‘Yes.’

‘She lied.’

Natasha smiles. ‘Was she lying? Or was she making up stories to play?’

‘Both. Maybe.’

‘Was that the only thing you didn’t like about her?’

Yelena sulks. ‘I could think of more stuff if I wanted.’

‘Don’t think that hard. Hey.’ Natasha crouches down to tap Yelena on the nose. ‘What’s wrong? It’s fun to make friends, I promise. And if that’s not Kate, that’s okay. You’ll find someone else.’

‘But why? I don’t need any more. You’re my friend.’

Natasha’s face does something weird, a funny kind of smile that makes her look like she’s about to sneeze but she’s trying not to. She crouches down in front of Yelena and hugs her tight, until all the air in her lungs feels like it’s getting squeezed out of her. Yelena shrieks and kicks at her sister.

‘I’m a girl not toothpaste, I’m gonna explode! Lemme go!’

‘Forgive me, паучонок. I just love you heaps and heaps.’

It brings the fire up to Yelena’s cheeks and she covers them with her hands, frowning hard at her sister, who just keeps laughing at her. Turning on her heel, Yelena runs for the car.

‘Wait! Wait — Yelena, wait! It’s a parking lot! Look out for cars,’ Natasha scolds and hurries after her. She doesn’t make Yelena take her hands down, only hooks her fingers into the collar of her shirt.

‘My girls!’ Daddy greets them. ‘Did you have a good time? Did Natasha look after you, little mouse?’

Yelena throws herself into the back seat, buries her face into the fabric so no one can see her. Natasha scoops her up and clicks the belt into place.

‘Yelena?’

‘She’s fine, Alexei. Just drive.’

‘What is wrong?’

‘Drive, Alexei!’

’So touchy! It is the terrible years ahead of us, eh? Why can you not be sweet to me like your sister?’

‘She’s six. She doesn’t know any better,’ Natasha drawls. She has an arm draped over Yelena’s shoulders, even though Yelena is cranky with her, like she knows Yelena loves it. Like she knows Yelena isn’t mad at her, just with how easy it is to embarrass her and make her feel little and stupid, and is just waiting for it to be over.

Yelena peeks between her fingers up at Natasha; she must see the movement because she glances down and winks, ruffles Yelena’s hair. Yelena leans into her side and kicks her in the leg. Gently.

Natasha leans down. ‘What is it?’

Yelena feels her cheeks burn hot again but she has to say it, so Natasha knows. ‘Love you,’ she whispers.

Natasha’s arm curls tight around her shoulders. A pointy chin comes to rest on top of her head. The drive home is not very long; Yelena knows it well, the trees that line the road, the flash of white and blue and black of the different roofs, the crackle of gravel under tyres as they cross the trainline toward home. It isn’t a long drive but tucked into her sister’s side, hot and itchy and tired after playing under the summer sun, Yelena falls asleep before they reach the house, her head full of lovely things: spiders, monsters, and big blue eyes.