Chapter Text
Rain fell heavily on Steve’s car as he pulled up to Hawkin’s High, three hours after most students had left. The reason? Mike Wheeler got detention for coming to class late and for some reason everyone put Steve in charge of picking him up for the somewhat annual ‘The World Did Not End Party’ (trademarked).
Of course Steve didn’t mind picking up Mike, he just wasn’t a fan of whatever glorified (and free) taxi service he’d been put in charge of. On the other hand Steve was grateful that the kid had asked for a ride, he didn’t want anyone getting sick from walking in the rain.
Steve pulled up as close as he could to the building so Mike wouldn’t get that wet. At some pint he thought he was parked on the sidewalk. In no time a somewhat annoyed looking Mike climbed into the back seat of the Beemer.
“Wanna listen to some music?” Steve asked after driving in silence for a few minutes, “I think I still have a few of your tapes here,” he said gesturing to his glove box that had practically become a cassette storage unit for the kids (and Eddie).
Mike shook his head, an awkward look contorted on his face, “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course,” Steve replied as he squinted at the road, the rain making it hard to see the path to the Byler’s house.
“Is it true that you and Eddie are together?” Mike asked, after a bit of a pause he added, “Like Max told me you guys were but it sounded a bit too much like some kind of elaborate joke I’m not in on.”
Steve chuckled, “We are,” he said a smile appearing in his face, he didn’t expect Mike to be homophobic; in fact, most of the party didn’t care. Once he noticed the confusion on Mike’s face, he clarified: “We assumed you knew because everyone else figured out pretty quickly.”
The look of disappointment and confusion disappeared from Mike’s face, he mumbled something to himself about him being dense. The drive started to go quiet a before Mike blurted out, seemingly without thinking, “Why are you guys even together?”
“That’s a weird question, it’s cause we love each other duh,” Steve replied playfully rolling his eyes.
“No, no it’s not that. I just think you aren’t good enough for Eddie. Like Eddie is so much cooler,” Mike responded (without much thought) nonchalantly like it was the most obvious fact in the world.
Steve’s mood fell, he felt an ache form in his chest and his hands slightly shook. ‘You aren’t good enough for Eddie’ echoed in his head. Deep down Steve knew it was true. What did he offer to the relationship anyway?
Steve took a deep breath to calm himself. He didn’t want to ruin the party by being all angsty over what was probably a joke. So Steve tried to push the ache down and hummed in response as they pulled up in the Byler’s drive way.
………………….
Steve found himself outside, under the awning of the Byer’s porch. They’d recently moved back to Hawkins and got to move have to their old place. No one was moving to Hawkins (more people where moving away actually) so the house stayed in a somewhat untouched condition.
The porch was made of old wood planks that were now damp from the rain, small droplets fell through ever so often and almost out of Steve’s cigarette.
He tried to enjoy the party, he really had. He sat on the couch, made a few jokes but mainly listened to the conversations. He wasn’t in the mood to talk. He remembered getting shaky ‘You aren’t good enough’ echoed in his head. He felt himself starting to spiral so he excused himself outside for a smoke. He vaguely heard Robin calling him a party pooper as he walked out onto the porch.
All he could hear in his head was ‘Your not good enough’. No longer in Mike’s voice, or even his little voice in his head. It was his father’s. At this point Steve had spiraled so much from what Mike said (he didn’t even blame the kid) that he was essentially having a self hatred session with him and himself.
He knew it was true. He wasn’t good enough. He was stupid, didn’t think much before he spoke, barely graduated high school, and couldn’t get into college. He had not passions. The kids had D&D (Max didn’t like D&D but Steve wasn’t thinking clear enough to make that distinction), Eddie and Robin has music, and Nancy had reporting. He was just Steve, stupid—useless Steve. He used to be an asshole and he knew that growing up around assholes wasn’t an excuse to be one. He was a huge idiot. At least he was good at sports, but he’d lost practice. He could rely on his looks but he’d been gaining weight because of his lack of motivation to work out.
Steve evaluated himself like he was grading a test and he was failing. He was slowly coming to the conclusion that he was an annoying stupid fucking asshole who wormed his way into everyone’s lives. He felt his throat closing up as he took another strong inhale of his cigarette while digging his nails into the palm of his hands (that were shaking).
“Hey sweetheart,” a warm voice startled him out of his thoughts. Steve dropped his cigarette in surprise quickly putting it out with his heel, there was no appeal in a soggy cigarette.
A familiar embrace wrapped around him from behind. He felt Eddie’s breath on his neck,” I was getting worried when I couldn’t find you, Robbie said you went out for a smoke break,” Eddie explained, “You shouldn’t stay out here long you could get sick.”
Steve felt the strong ache rise back into his chest, this time is caused his whole body to shake. He wanted to throw up. He felt like a burden.
“Stevie, baby, is everything ok?” Eddie asked gently, Steve opened his mouth to say yes before Eddie chimed in again, “Sorry dumb question, of course you’re not ok, a better question would be…. What’s wrong baby?” Eddie rambled gently turning Steve around to face him.
Steve saw Eddie’s sad smile and warm eyes . Eddie’s hands rested on his face. God he didn’t deserve this love, Eddie did deserve so much better than him. ‘ If someone’s parents couldn’t love them why should others?’ Steve thought to himself, the ache in his chest got much worse. He felt Eddie’s thumb wipe away a tear, Steve didn’t even realize he was crying.
“I’m sorry,” Steve croaked out, his voice weaker than he wanted it to be. He leaned into Eddie’s touch.
“Don’t you dare apologize,” Eddie whispered pressing their foreheads together, “You can tell me what’s wrong princess, I’m always hear for you,” Eddie pressed a affectionate kiss to Steve’s cheek.
“I don’t deserve you,” Steve blurted out, he let all his thoughts spill not being able to hold them in any longer, “I’m stupid and annoying and unloveable. I was a jerk and I’m scared that I still am. I don’t deserve love because if my parents didn’t even love me why would others? I have no future, no skills, and no sense of self. I just want to disappear so I can stop burdening people with my presence.”
Steve didn’t notice that he was hyperventilating through his whole rant. He squeezed his eyes shut not wanting to see the look on Eddie’s face.
Steve felt Eddie pull him closer, his grip tightening around Steve’s hips at an almost bruising force.
“Why would you say that,” Eddie whispered into Steve’s hair, “You’re anything but a burden.”
Eddie sighs, “You deserve all the love in the world, you’re parents are horrible who cares what they think,” Eddie sounded almost bitter, his eyebrows furrowing.
Steve made a noise unsure of how to respond. All his emotions whirled around him like a tornado and he felt so utterly overwhelmed. Eddie started tracing patterns deep into his shoulder blade, the stimulation was helping ground Steve.
“God there is so much wrong with what you just said baby,” Eddie said his voice carrying a weight of sadness, “Do you wanna go somewhere more comfortable? We can leave and go to my place.”
Steve pulled away slightly and nodded a weak smile forming on his face. Eddie kissed his cheek.
“Come on,” Eddie said guiding Steve to his van, “We can get your car later. I promise I’ll take care of you”
Steve spent the drive to Eddie’s trailer quiet, sometimes humming to himself or just staring out the window in silence. He was exhausted.