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Harry Kim hadn’t realized getting promoted came with so much paperwork. And so many meetings. He’d been in his fair share of dull staff meetings, but at least on Voyager you had a forty to sixty percent chance those would be interrupted by a red alert or a spatial anomaly. He could take breaks, go down to engineering and stop the warp core from exploding for the third time in a week, or reconfigure the power matrix yet again in the hopes of shaving a few months off their trip.
Now, at Starfleet HQ, in his fourth back to back meeting of the day, he glanced at the clock and tried not to yawn. What he wouldn’t give for a strange alien virus or even a run of the mill rogue asteroid to deal with.
An alert appeared on his PADD. An incoming message, on his personal secure line. It was from Samantha Wildman.
There was an unspoken rule among the Voyager survivors. If another former crewman contacted you, it was priority one. He and Samantha hadn’t been especially close, per se, but she was Voyager. She was family.
It wasn’t an asteroid, but it was good enough.
“Excuse me,” he said and stepped out of the room. He got back to his office and turned on the viewscreen. Sure enough, Samantha was on the other side, face taut with anxiety.
“Harry,” she said, voice tight. “I’m sorry, I know you’re at work, I just wasn’t sure who else…”
“What do you need, Sam?”
“It’s Naomi.”
Harry sat up straighter. “What’s wrong? Where is she?”
“No, no she’s fine - I just - I wasn’t thinking, it was just a field trip and I -”
“Field trip?”
Samantha tried to take a deep breath. “Naomi’s class took a field trip to Starfleet headquarters today.”
Harry remembered doing a similar field trip when he was in eighth grade. Was Naomi in eighth grade now? When had that happened?
“I didn’t think anything of it,” Sam continued. “They were just touring headquarters, looking at the Academy. They let the kids sit in on a class, it was being taught by a guest lecturer. An expert in temporal mechanics and anomalies. He - he was using some of Voyager's logs as case studies. Naomi’s birthday.”
Harry felt a pit in his stomach. Stardate 49548.7. A paradox unlike any Starfleet had encountered. It was something that Harry tried very, very hard not to think about. He never spoke of it. Not to Tom or B’lanna, though they had been the ones to live for several hours without him. He could almost forget it ever happened.
He had spoken of it once, with the Captain, very briefly.
“We’re Starfleet officers, Mr. Kim. Weird is part of the job.”
But he hadn’t been able to keep himself from asking the other question when they debriefed in the ready room.
“Mr. Kim, I am going to have the Doctor monitor you closely over the next few weeks. There isn’t a precedent for…well, any of this.”
“I understand, Captain.”
“And you can take the next few days off.”
Harry started to leave. Then he paused. “Captain, why was it me?” Janeway gave him that piercing, appraising look. “It doesn’t make sense,” he said, almost to himself. “Why I survived and no one else from that other ship…”
Janeway placed a hand on his and said gently, “I can’t answer that, Harry.”
“If there had just been-”
“Mr. Kim, stop.” Janeway said, her Captain’s voice back. “That way madness lies.”
Harry released a shaky breath.
“Someone else did survive,” Janeway said. “She’s a few decks down and wonderfully, blessedly alive thanks to you.”
And Harry had decided that had to be enough. So he pushed it from his mind. Never thought about that second Voyager, overrun by Vidiians, self-destructing into the void. He never thought about how his own counterpart on the surviving ship had been ripped out of the hull, dying almost instantly - almost.
Vaguely, Harry was aware Samantha was still talking, explaining that Naomi had come home and locked herself in her room and wouldn’t talk to her.
“I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if she’s angry or scared or what. You’re the only other person who really understands. Please, could you talk to her?” Samantha finished.
I’m not sure I do understand, Harry thought. But out loud he said, “I’ll come over. Give me half an hour.”
“Thank you, Harry.”
He ended the transmission.
It took closer to an hour to extract himself from work and arrange a transport to the Wildmans in Seattle. And then Harry found himself outside Naomi’s bedroom door, completely unsure what he was supposed to be doing. Sam hovered nervously down the hall. “Just talk to her,” was all she’d said.
About what? Harry wanted to ask. About the fact that apparently no one told her that she technically died the day she was born? And why is this my job? Harry had hoped a strategy would come to him before this moment but none had appeared. So he knocked.
Silence.
He tried again.
“Mom, go away.”
Harry almost smiled at the thirteen-year-old-ness of the tone. She really had grown up so fast. He tried the door. It wasn’t locked, so he let it swing open.
Naomi was lying on her bed, still in her school clothes, a pillow over her head. She sat up when the door opened.
“Mom, I told you-”
“Hi,” he said, leaning on the doorframe.
“Oh. Hi Uncle Harry.” She slumped forward, leaning on the pillow. “Um. What are you doing here?”
“I was in the area. Can I come in?”
Naomi shrugged and pointed at her desk chair. Harry sat down and glanced around the room. Naomi’s ceiling was painted like the night sky. There were constellations painstakingly copied on the dark background and Harry realized they were a map of the Delta Quadrant. There was even a tiny Voyager in the corner.
There were pictures on her desk and on the wall. Naomi helping Neelix in the mess hall when she was barely tall enough to reach the counter. Naomi with Tom and Harry, all three of them dressed for a Captain Proton adventure (Tom had written a chapter just for her). Naomi and Seven in astrometrics. Naomi sitting on Neelix’s lap, listening to him tell a story. Naomi sitting in the captain’s chair on the bridge (she’d asked to sit in it for her birthday), while Janeway and the rest of the bridge crew indulgently saluted her. There were pictures from the last two annual reunions of the Voyager crew, and while time didn’t show (much) on the adults in the pictures, Harry’s heart twisted a little at the sight of the differences in Naomi, Miral, and Icheb. The children of Voyager.
“I heard you had a rough day at school,” Harry said, tearing his eyes from the photos.
Naomi snorted. “Sure.”
“How much of the mission report did you hear?” Harry asked.
“Most of it. I looked up the rest when I got back to school. Most of Voyager’s stuff is declassified, so it’s there for anyone who thinks to look.”
“Hm. So you know about me, then.”
“What?”
“How I’m secretly from another timeline?” Harry said in a mock whisper. “A parallel universe, a mirror universe, if you will.”
“Being from another timeline and being from the mirrorverse are two completely different things,” Naomi said flatly, refusing to acknowledge his attempt at humor. “I’ve read the DS9 reports.”
Harry raised an eyebrow. “I’m sorry, are you referring to the files for the classified incidents aboard Deep Space Nine?”
“Uncle Tom is bad at keeping his security codes secret,” Naomi said. “He writes them down on actual pieces of paper.” Like an idiot was implied.
“Oh, is that what you were doing at the last reunion, pick pocketing your poor Uncle Tom?” Harry teased.
Naomi grew silent at the mention of the reunion. “Is it really true?” she asked in a small voice. “Did I… die a few hours after I was born?”
Harry sighed. No use trying to sugarcoat it. “Yes. Or a version of you did.”
“And then you-”
“I died, too. My counterpart died.”
“Does everyone know?” she asked.
“What?”
“Does everyone - everyone from Voyager - know? About what happened to me when I was born?”
Harry ran a hand through his hair. “Well. It was pretty hard not to, given that we both, erm, died. We were a small crew, everyone heard everything.”
“And no one told me?” She didn’t look at him.
Harry cast his gaze to the ceiling as if hoping the right words would fall out of the painted stars. “Naomi…I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m dismissing you or belittling your feelings when I say that I don’t think most of the crew thought about it that much. I mean. Given all of the other things that happened, the incident with the two Voyagers was pretty quickly overshadowed.”
“But you must’ve thought about it. My mom must’ve thought about it. Her real baby died. ”
“You are her real-”
“Stop!” Naomi cried, getting off the bed and to her feet. “Stop it, stop it!"
“Ok, ok,” Harry said, lifting his hands in surrender. “Hey, you’re ok.”
Naomi scowled and turned to look out the window, her back to him. She folded her arms around herself. Harry waited, not wanting to rush her.
“I don’t even remember it,” Naomi said quietly after a moment.
“I don’t think it would be possible for you to remember it.”
Naomi was silent again, still looking out her window.
“Naomi, when you heard about that mission report…” Harry tried to think of how to phrase this. He was really not qualified. “Were you scared?”
“No.” Naomi said a little too quickly. She started pacing around her room in a way that reminded him so much of Seven he almost smiled despite the situation. “I’m mad my mom didn’t tell me about it. I’m mad that apparently temporal mechanic experts all over the Federation use my birthday as a classroom example and no one told me!” She flung herself down in a corner and drew her knees up to her chest.
Harry desperately tried to think of something to say. Nothing came to mind. He got up from the chair and sat beside Naomi on the floor.
“Can I tell you a story about Captain Janeway?” He asked.
Naomi shrugged, a little confused. But she always liked to hear stories about the Captain.
“You know, the entire time I was on Voyager I was an ensign. I was never promoted above that rank,” Harry said.
Naomi turned halfway to look at him. “Yeah. I know. Uncle Tom made fun of you sometimes.”
“Hey, well, thanks for reminding me,” Harry said, nudging her. “Do you know why I was never promoted?”
“No.”
“Yeah, neither did I. And I never really asked, until we got back to Earth. I ranked up pretty quickly, made Lieutenant Senior Grade within a year.”
“Mom says you’ll probably be a Commander in the next two.”
Harry smiled at that. “The Captain came to my pip ceremony. There was a reception, it was all very nice, very Starfleet. But I had something I needed to know the answer to.”
It took Harry a while to get Janeway alone; almost everyone had left and she was in the corner of the room, checking a PADD.
“Captain, can I ask you something?”
She put the PADD away and picked up her drink. “Certainly, Lieutenant,” she said with a smile.
“I asked the Captain why she’d never promoted me on Voyager. I was afraid that it was because I’d made too many mistakes, that she didn’t trust me. Or maybe the reason was because I wasn’t her Harry Kim. I was a different ensign from a different Voyager. An imposter. Her Harry Kim was dead.”
Naomi’s expression shifted, beginning to understand.
“But that wasn’t why,” Harry said.
Janeway put down her drink. She didn’t look at him for a moment tapping her fingers on the table. She seemed to be weighing her words and choosing them carefully.
“You know, I sometimes asked myself that question. There were plenty of excuses. At first, I didn’t want to give out too many field promotions, it would just make it more difficult to process or sort out when we got back. Then I didn’t want to burden you with more responsibility when you were already having to learn so much on the fly. But we kept not getting home and you kept getting more skilled and I was really running out of excuses, wasn’t I?”
She leaned more heavily on the table, in that posture he knew meant she was exhausted. She swirled her drink, ice cubes clinking against the side of the glass.
“If I’m honest with myself, Harry, I never gave you that promotion because, well, I was selfish.” She paused. “When you first boarded Voyager, you were barely an ensign. You had that innocence and I wanted to protect it. I couldn’t. But I thought that maybe if, when we finally landed on Earth, Ensign Kim disembarked Voyager instead of Lieutenant Kim, then it could almost be like those years hadn’t happened. Like I hadn’t seen…all of those things. We could pretend we were still the same people who left for a quick mission into the Badlands, seven years ago.”
She glanced at him, the touch of something in her expression he’d never seen: shame.
She never stopped blaming herself for getting us stuck there, he realized. She hadn’t doubted her choice to destroy the array, she never faltered in believing that her decision was right. But she also never stopped feeling the guilt of what she had done.
“She was trying to protect me, in a weird way. Like maybe if she could pretend, even in a small way, that nothing really changed, then it could be like those scary things didn’t happen. Does that make sense?”
Naomi considered. “It makes sense. But that isn’t true. Just because you pretend something didn’t happen doesn’t mean it goes away.”
“You’re right, of course.”
“So Captain Janeway…was scared? And that’s why she didn’t promote you?”
“I think that’s what she was trying to tell me,” Harry said.
Naomi furrowed her brow, trying to picture Janeway scared of anything. She looked skeptical.
“What I’m trying to say is that maybe your mom never told you because she was scared. Scared of how it might make you feel, scared because she doesn't know how to explain it to you. You mom loves you, you're her kid through and through.”
Naomi stared at the floor. “She still should’ve told me.”
“You’ve read the mission report, but a mission report is never the full story. You should talk to your mom, ask her to tell you what happened, as she remembers it.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Ok. But will you think about it? For your Uncle Harry?” He nudged her again.
Naomi glared. “Fine.”
“Ok.” He got to his feet. He needed to go home. “That’s all I ask.”
“Uncle Harry,” Naomi said as he started toward the door. He paused. “What happened? What do you remember?”
Energy pulsing. Sparks from the overhead wiring. Running down the corridor, Janeway’s last order in his ears, get the child to safety, get the child to safety, that is your only priority.
“It was a confusing day.”
Dead crewmen in the hall, their eyes missing, removed by the Vidiians. Run. Get the child to safety. Self destruct in thirty seconds.
“All I really remember is that I got to carry you to safety and put you in your mother’s arms. One of my best missions,” he said with an easy smile. “We both came home safe.”
Harry walked back to the transporter hub in a daze. He felt like a klaxon alarm was blaring in his head and he could almost smell the scent of plasma fire. He’d lied to Naomi a bit. He remembered holding her and feeling her tiny heartbeat in his arms as his own pulse thudded in his ears. He remembered the terrifying clarity that he could not mess this one up in a way he’d never felt before and rarely felt since.
Harry cast his thoughts back to his pip ceremony, that conversation with Janeway.
“I think I understand, Captain,” Harry said.
“I’m sorry, Harry. It was unfair to you.”
“Well, better late than never,” he said with a half grin, gesturing to his pip.
She laughed, but he could see she was trying not to cry. She didn’t. Instead, she put a hand on his shoulder.
“Look at you,” she said. “All grown up. You do us all proud, Harry Kim.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“No, no,” she chuckled. “That wasn’t an order. Just a fact. I’m so proud of you.” She folded her arms around him in a hug.
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One Month Later
“Naomi, we’ve got a visitor.”
Naomi looked up from her homework. Harry Kim was in her living room. She hadn’t heard him come in.
“I’ve got a present for you,” he said with a grin. He held up a datastick.
Naomi tilted her head. “What is it?”
“Our conversation last month got me thinking, and I took a little trip down memory lane, back through some crew personal logs.” He moved to sit in a chair across from her.
“Personal logs are supposed to remain private according to Starfleet policy,” Naomi said with a prim air superiority only found in teenagers.
“I got permission,” Harry said. “The whole crew agreed.”
“About what?”
“These are all the crew logs from Stardate 49548.7. You know what’s remarkable? Every single one of them mentions you.”
Harry took the datastick and inserted it into the living room entertainment port. He selected the first one and let the audio file play. The audio was slightly crackly for a moment, then the static dissipated and a familiar voice filled the room.
Personal Log, Thomas Eugene Paris, Stardate - uh…I forget actually. But who cares. Today was…I mean, it was pretty bizarre even for us. There was - well, it’ll all be in the reports. Ensign Wildman had her baby, though. Pretty incredible. I mean, must be scary as hell for Samantha, having a baby out here. But she did it. Just incredible.
The audio fuzzed again, then a new voice emerged.
Personal Log, Mary Ellen Bosche. Naomi was born today! Sam let me hold her for a bit when I went to visit them both in sickbay. She’s so tiny. She looks like her father alright, but she’s got Sam’s eyes.
Personal Log, Ensign Vorik. The crew manifest of Voyager has increased by one. The child is, according to the EMH, healthy. In these conditions, I believe it is the best outcome possible.
EMH Personal Log. Ever since I knew Ensign Wildman was pregnant, I’ve downloaded hundreds of databases about childbirth, interspecies pre and post natal health, I ran simulations and double checked every possible possibility - but nothing could prepare me for it. And I don’t mean the time travel nonsense that got thrown in at the last minute. I mean…it was simply indescribable. To see her tiny little fingers and…I just don’t know how to explain it. There’s plenty of things organics do that I don’t find that impressive, but this was nothing short of miraculous.
Personal Log, B’lanna Torres. Today was a pretty shit day. But now we’ve got a baby on board, and somehow that made up for it. I’ve never really loved babies or kids or whatever, but this still feels pretty special. It gives me hope. I don’t even know why.
Naomi looked up at Harry and beamed as familiar voice after voice came from the speaker. Lieutenant Weiss, Ensign Trumari, Kes, Crewman Sharr, Chakotay, even Tuvok. All of them in their own way commented on the newest addition to the Voyager crew. She felt tears run down her face when she heard Neelix’s voice; she could practically see him jumping up and down as he recorded this log, trying to gather his scattered thoughts and enthusiasm.
…and she’s my goddaughter! I think I already said that, but I just can’t believe how lucky I am. My goddaughter. Can you believe it? Oh, I think the Captain wants me on the bridge.
Captain’s personal log. One of the many disadvantages of being stuck in space is that your day never really ends. Especially not if you’re the captain. Everything feels like it goes from one red alert to the next, but today…well, after everything else, I felt like I finally stood still for the first time in goodness knows how long. We say in Starfleet that we seek out new life, but sometimes we don’t have to look very far. Little Naomi Wildman has joined us for our journey through the stars. I was nervous, at first, when Samantha told me she was pregnant. Another life to protect, smaller and more fragile than the rest of us. Who knows what will happen. But Naomi gives me hope. We’ll make it out of here. We have to. For her.
End personal log.
There was silence for a few moments. Harry removed the datastick from the port and handed it to her. “It’s yours.”
“Thank you,” she said, sniffling a little. “Thanks.”
“It doesn’t matter how you got here, Naomi. You’re here. And your family loves you.”