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Akito was never one for mass gatherings, but it had been a while since he had seen anyone from Kamiyama, and he was practically pressured to go by An, persistent as always. Rui had organised it all a month in advance, giving plenty of time for people to make the appropriate changes to improve availability, and had booked a place at a bar he remembers passing by a few times when they were in high school, each time always stimulating a talk about drinking and doing an entire list of things when they finally turn twenty.
High school really did feel like a long time ago. So much had changed, like Akito debuting officially as a solo artist, along with Kohane and An debuting as Vivids, which really suited them considering how vivid and colourful their music had become with each others' chemistries. There were a few times Akito had collaborated with them, and other musicians like Arata, who Akito has learned, over the past three years of rivalry, he can shine in ways Arata couldn't, like raw emotion and expressive movements that made the audience more fixated on him. He couldn't quite beat Arata, but he was less frustrated about that, compared to before.
"Ah, Akito!"
There was a firm hand on his shoulder and Mizuki, now with longer hair tied into a messy braid and rosier cheeks, grins brightly. Though they were in different classes, Akito has had a fair number of interactions with her, mainly relating to Ena or discussing music. She has grown quite a bit, seemingly more carefree.
"You came as well? Wow, I'm really surprised about this turn-up!"
"Yeah?" There is a persistent tug at the corner of his lip, leaning a little into the familiar touch. "An did bite my ear off, but I did want to see everyone again."
"Well," she grins, "It's awesome to see you again!"
Akito attempts an equally energetic smile in return, but he could never muster enough tension in his facial muscles to let his lips reach anywhere near his ears. Instead, while smiling, he nods, and Mizuki skips along to Tenma, who was already sipping away at his pint glass.
"Fancy seeing you here, Mister!"
Akito jumps, pivoting on his slightly-worn dance shoes as he is faced with An, and a very cocky smirk with it.
He scoffs. "Okay, I am not that late, dumbass!"
An rolls her eyes, slouching a little, but reaches up to ruffle his hair affectionately. "Long time no see, Akito!"
"Same here."
"You could at least try be less of that 'too cool for gatherings' guy, you know? Loosen up a little!"
"What the hell is that supposed to mean!" Akito doesn't bother hiding his aggressive offence from his voice. "I'm always like this!"
"Tch, you're not wrong..."
Akito is about to fire something back in response, but was cut off by Kohane, who was probably being the mediator to prevent a fight from breaking out. "Hello again, Akito!"
"How's the research going, Kohane?"
Though Kohane wasn't from Kamiyama, she does have very strong relationships with a lot of people there, and no one seemed opposed to An bringing her girlfriend with her. Akito subtly notes the lax lacing of their entwined fingers.
"Pretty good, actually! I still need to loosen up over the quieter instrumental, but my singing itself can adapt to the genre. I just need to get my confidence up!"
Akito nods, chuckling softly. "Feels like we've had this kind of conversation before!"
"It'll be easier this time!" There is a dazzling hamster grin - the one An had ranted about to him a few too many times. "Now that I have An by my side!"
There was definitely a glimmer of superiority at seeing the flushed look An received from that confession. After this many years of dating, An still couldn't compose herself!
"Heh, you guys will do just fine."
He takes a moment to appreciate their determined but grateful smiles at him. This wasn't at all a back-handed comment. Akito meant that from the bottom of his heart. The two had gone through a fair bit in their second year, and a fair bit of that was shared with Akito when Vivid BAD Squad was still around. The fact that their remained with each other, and chose not to go their own ways proved not just how compatible they were, but how much stronger they were together.
"Oh An, look over there!" An's amber eyes start to follow the direction of Kohane's gesture.
And, subconsciously, Akito did the same.
"It's Aoyagi!"
Akito knew before Kohane had finished her sentence, with just a glimpse of light and dark blue, glimmering silver and a supple smile filled with a tenderness Akito has failed to forget. Touya wasn't even looking in his direction, but Akito felt completely overwhelmed by his presence, whilst everyone else at the bar faded into the background. He can't help watching in awe as that smile opens to melodic laughter, the slight squint of his eyes accentuating the perfect mole on his cheek, the graceful movements of his dainty fingers tucking back his loose bangs.
"He was just in Canada quite recently, right?"
He hates that he can't look away.
"We're going to head over to Touya, just to say hi and catch up. How about talking to Rui? He's been listening to your music quite a bit!" An chuckles, though it is a little uneasy. She was never really good at hiding her emotions or awareness. Kohane helps to drag her away, and Akito gives them a little wave, though his gaze remains as it was.
~~~
It was the evening of a quiet autumn when Vivid BAD Squad had finished another energetic performance, except for an individual who couldn't seem to commit their body and soul that day. Akito had taken the initiative to walk Touya home, since An and Kohane both agreed it would be wiser if they had a talk alone. Touya had requested they take a detour to the park, where they sat on the swings, swaying back and forth. It took a painful amount of silence before Touya finally spoke.
"I've decided to go back to classical music."
These were words Akito had never planned on hearing. He didn't know what was wrong with Touya, but this was not the reason he expected. This was not the reason he wanted.
"What!" he shouted, stumbling off the swing. Touya had a very tight and wavering smile, eyes glassy and still.
"My father begged for me to come back. He has fallen ill and I... I can't-"
"Why didn't you tell me this before!" There were wild and violent gestures as his hands move from aggressively gripping his hair to whipping around in disbelief.
"I didn't know how to t..." Touya hesitated, staring at his bare palms. "I'm so sorry, Akito."
"You... You can't-!" Akito was at a complete loss for words, trying to overcome his shock. He was so incredibly angry, he feared he would explode. But he felt the despair wash over him like an icy blanket, and he wanted nothing more than to trap Touya there. "You can't toss all of this aside like that! I thought your dad was fine with you doing this!"
"The whole reason I wanted to do street music was to rebel against my father, for how he has been treating me for so long. Now that he is ill, I no longer want to fight him. I want..." Touya cleared his throat to stop it from shaking, "I want to make him happy."
"And you want to cast aside your own happiness!" Akito sneered. He shoved Touya's shoulders back, teeth gritted in frustration. "If your old man really cared about you, he'd wish for you to live your damn life the way you want to!"
"He wants to see me successful."
"We just started releasing albums! We have our own fanbase and have just become headliners!"
"He doesn't want me to be financially dependent."
"You can get a part-time job! Hell, why are you even going to school!"
"He says he loves it when I play!" A few tears slipped from Touya's eyes, and a hiccup that stabbed Akito at the heart. "He truly wants me to do well! I don't have it in me to ignore him!"
"This is all bullshit!" Akito paced back and forth, trying to contain his thoughts. "You love street music! I know you do! And you love performing with the group! Why abandon it now! Why are you giving up this damn fight!"
"Akito-"
"Let's talk to your dad, come on!"
Perhaps, if Touya had told him earlier than that, Akito could have convinced him to stay. But the reality was that set jaw, despite the tears and heartbreak. A merciless decision, but one he was not going to waver on.
There was a silence, the tension suffocating. Akito clenched his fists until they paled, eyes burning from his crying. Touya looked equally as wrecked, but he had enough composure to croak a response.
"Thank you for looking after me up until now, Akito. I had so much fun being with you. Please, don't give up on your dream. I will be rooting for you." There was a weak smile - one Akito was desperate to punch.
"Our dream is meaningless now." Akito pivoted on his heel, walking away quickly to avoid being any more vulnerable in front of Touya.
"Akito, I truly wish for your success, f-from the bottom of my heart!"
That was the most emotion Akito had ever heard from Touya. Completely raw, poorly pitched, trembling, fearful, crestfallen. Still, though taken aback, Akito couldn't find it in him to forgive.
"Fuck you."
~~~
Shortly after, Touya had talked to the rest of the group, and Vivid BAD Squad had officially disbanded the next day. Times back then really did feel too good to be true, but Akito didn't dwell on it too much. In the months to follow, Touya had pursued a life of classical music, gracing the world with his piano playing and singing. His father, though sick for the majority of this development, had massive improvements with his condition, and was discharged from the hospital. Even if Touya did decide to come back to street music after that, Akito would never accept him. Touya still kept a relationship with the Vivids, helping them with the technical parts of singing, and features in a few of their songs as the star pianist.
The worst part is Akito couldn't find it in himself to completely despise him, no matter how hard he tries. It was not long after their fight that he realised he was in love with Touya, which is why their departure tormented him so much. He couldn't ignore him either. He had bought every CD Touya has released, and obsessed relentlessly over his beautiful singing and elegant piano, even his experimental singles on street-classical fusions and accentuating songs with the violin. The fact that he couldn't imagine a world without Touya's music just made him more angry. And the worst part is as much as he loves him, after what had happened, Akito couldn't imagine wanting to be with him. He did also hate Touya.
Three and a half years of not seeing Touya had passed, and four since they had talked. Whilst Akito wishes to have nothing to do with him, he could only stare at his slightly grown-out hair, sharp features, majestic movements. Whilst there was love, there was also longing, and hate. He didn't want to know what kind of facial expression he was making but, based on Kohane's very unhidden frown, it probably wasn't too approachable.
"Still here, Akito?" An asks, nudging his shoulder a little, having to reach up to compensate for their half-foot height difference. "Thought you'd at least get a drink or something."
Akito hums in response, hands very limp by his side.
An sighs, concerned. "Still not over him, are you."
Normally, Akito would have some kind of quip to fire back at her, but he couldn't think of one, only falling more into his frustration. "Not at all. He betrayed me, so I can't forgive him at all."
Kohane knows. Kohane knows he still loves Touya.
"Hey, Akito, shall we get a drink?" she asks, dragging him out of view of blue and glittering silver. "We can say hi to some of your classmates. I'm sure they want to hear more about your songs!"
Akito was aware that there was a possibility Touya might go to the drinking event. He definitely didn't want to see him, but he thought, so long as they didn't interact, he would be okay. Besides, he figured he'd be with An and Kohane the entire time, catching up and having fun with them - it had been a while since he had an opportunity to drink.
Yet the buzz of alcohol didn't stop him from constantly searching for Touya amongst the many faces, even as he talked to others. He could try to distract himself as much as he could, and try to convince himself these talks and activities are fun, and he wishes deep down that they were. But it's a persistent thought, a cavity in his chest that could only be filled by another glance at Touya. Once his eyes lock, they are incredibly hard to tear away.
"Hey, Akito," An tugs at his sleeve, and he is quick to face her. "Since most of the group are leaving, me and Kohane are going to head home. Do you..." she hesitates, fumbling with the sleeves of her trench coat. "Do you want to come with?"
For everything An and Kohane have done for the past three hours, Akito is very grateful, even though not much was gained from it. Despite that, he didn't want to intrude on their private time. Besides, he didn't nearly get as tipsy as he wanted to.
"'s fine, guys. I want to have a few more drinks anyways."
"You sure?" Kohane has that insistent gaze on. "We have drinks at ours, if you'd rather come there?"
Akito chuckles. "I'm fine, guys, don't worry about me. You both have fun."
"Akito!" An is more stern now. "Trust me, we are fine with you coming with us!"
Akito rolls his eyes, not in the mood for a pointless bicker. "Seriously, go! I'll talk a bit with Tenma, I'll be fine!"
"Seriously-" An's attention is drawn to her arm being yanked by Kohane, who gives a quick shake of her head. Groaning, she turns back to face Akito. "Fine. Don't drink too much."
"Bye Akito," Kohane smiles, and Akito tries smiling back.
So he heads back over to the counter, now finally able to sit in one of the many vacant stools there, and orders a shot of whiskey, just to speed up the drinking process. It also means he'd feel less bloated from anything from the tap. He is quick to order another in suit, now finally at a level of drunk enough to extinguish the sinking feeling any time he gets a glimpse of Touya, who still didn't seem to want to leave.
Why did Akito care anyway! He's had his drinks, so he can leave with the carefree thrum of alcohol!
He felt his mouth twitch into a smile, and patiently waited for the bartender to finish serving another customer before thanking him. He felt a light tap on his shoulder and he turned around, genuinely thinking he imagined it. To his complete surprise, and dismay, his eyes met gleaming silver.
"Akito," Touya mumbles, unable to keep his usual smile up that he had overused for the whole of this drinking event. "Hello."
Akito just stares, unable to process fully. The rage in the pit of his stomach was stirring, though it was hardly noticeable through the haze of what was in front of him.
"I think everyone is done drinking, so... maybe you should head ho-"
Akito laughs, a little manic, but in a way convincing enough to look like he was overjoyed to be reunited with Touya. At least, to everyone except the two of them, both very aware that whatever went on between them couldn't simply be swept under the rug. "Touya!" he exclaims, "Long time no see! Have you had a drink yet!"
"Actually, Akito, I don't really-"
"Ah, nonsense!"
Akito orders another three shots.
"Here! These ones are pretty strong!" He passes two of the glasses down to Touya, who hesitates, before taking them. His expression fails to hide the difficulty in keeping it down. "You're actually a champ! I'll get you another!"
"Akito no," Touya sighs, stacking the shot glasses on top of each other. "Let's go home."
"Look," Akito finishes his shot, slapping it against the table. His voice was much quieter, almost sinister. "We can either talk about how much I hate you, and all of that bullshit you did in the past. Or, you can sit here with me, and we can just drink and have some fun."
Touya debates it - Akito can tell from the distant look on his face, with the slight furrow of his brows, that he hates to feel affectionate over seeing again. There seems to be a conclusion as he sighs, raising his hand to gather the attention of the bartender. He only gives a slight glance Akito in the process.
"I'll have another two shots, please."
They went at it for a while after that, Touya always stepping in to make the purchases as they ordered more shots and drank more shots. Akito made baseless, quirky remarks, casually touching Touya like they used to back when they were singing together. On his fourth shot, Touya also joined in with the laughter, leaning into the arm resting on his shoulder. Then he downed his fifth, sixth, seventh...
"Ak'to~" Touya drawls, face melting into the fist he propped his chin on. "I'm def'nitely feelin' it."
"I'll get two more for us," he responds, words slurring together slightly, before ordering.
"I'll pay!" Touya is sitting upright suddenly, emphasising his point with the slight thud of his fists against the table.
Akito glares at him, losing the giddy smile instantly. "Touya, shut up!" he hisses, tapping his card against the reader.
"But you'd already pa... paid, Akito!" he exclaims softly, his shoulders dropping as he takes the final shot. He was too drunk to notice Akito trembling beside him, his left hand clenched tight.
"Ya think 'm cheep or somethin'," he glowers, taking his last shot. This went down a little wrong, and he chokes on it, the essence of whiskey in his mouth staining his palm with its smell.
"Y'okay, Ah... Akito?" Touya asks, squeezing his shoulder in concern.
"I'm leaving," Akito mutters, roughly shrugging off Touya's loose grip. The mood had soured, and Akito has had enough. He didn't want to be around the guy that gave up on him and completely left him behind - his former fucking partner that had cast him aside without any warning. Even seeing the glimpse of blue hair from the corner of his eye fuelled the flames of loathing in his chest.
"Wait!" Touya gets up as well, watching Akito hobble out of the bar, swaying with every step. Akito had switched up so suddenly, it was no wonder he was worried. But that worry is exactly what Akito didn't want right now. He needed distance; so he can properly think, instead of acting on his drunk impulses that try to fix his relationship with Touya.
It is a bridge that had burnt down long ago.
"Akito I... I can't keep up-" Akito hears the clang of metal, but doesn't dare look back. "Please! Wha~ What did I do wrong!"
What did Touya do wrong! Did he think abandoning Akito was fine?!
"What are you saying?"
Is he really trying to pretend everything was fine between them?! That he could talk to Akito like the good old days when he was a delusional idiot, not knowing how easy it was for Touya to abuse his feelings?!
"Akito~"
It was because of Touya that he had grown hard. That he had closed himself off from letting people close to him. That he was never able to trust someone to the same extent, knowing, at any moment, they could easily tear themselves away, leaving Akito once again with this gaping hole and broken pieces that he couldn't even try to fix.
"Please-"
Touya had taken a part of Akito that he fears he would never get back. And, worst of all, he has no awareness on how hard this battle has been for Akito to get his damn life back. At least, without street music, Touya could just run back to classical music with a heel flick and a giggle. Akito had nothing. And the one person who he associated street music the most with dared to try and ruin it for him.
He doesn't...
"Talk to me!"
"YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE DAMAGE YOU CAUSED!"
Akito is fuming, teeth clenched as he turns around, face flushed with alcohol, nails biting hard into his palms.
"A-"
"DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK FOR ME TO PICK UP A DAMN MIC!"
He is striding towards a fearful - or concerned - looking Touya, who is taking a few timid steps back. The distance between them closed, now against a wall that blocked out most of the bright city lights.
"IT'S YOUR FAULT, YOU KNOW! YOUR FAULT FOR ABANDONING ME!"
Through his drunk state, Akito couldn't find any room in his head to be considerate to Touya when he starts tearing up, with shaky exhalations. If anything, it spurs him on - he somehow wanted to deal the same amount of hurt Touya had gifted him years ago.
"YOU HURT ME SO BAD, AND YOU NEVER BOTHERED TO COME BACK!"
"I-I'm sorry, A-Akito!" he cries out, though more in a broken sob, shards of fractured silver slipping profusely across his cheeks. "I-I-"
"I DON'T WANT YOUR FUCKING APOLOGIES!"
"I WANTED TO!"
Akito is slightly taken aback by Touya's screams, even more so when he lunges forward to grip at the front of his hoodie. Different shades of blue swipe over his eyes in a mesmerising wave, the sides of his neck tense from how hard he was gritting his teeth.
"I MISSED YOU AND I MISSED STREET MUSIC S-s-SO DAMN MUCH!"
"THEN WHY DID YOU NEVER COME BACK!" Akito's voice was getting sore from all the screaming. He shouldn't, considering how much his career rode on his emotive singing, thus the grit to his sound, but this had been an unopened vault for so long. And finally, he had an opportunity to throw it all back at Touya's face.
"I..." A smaller voice - one that wavered with uncertainty. His hands slip down Akito's chest. "I-I don't..."
"Too happy with your successes in classical," he sneers, quieter, with not even a hint of mercy. "Too busy trying to forget about me so you can move on without the guilt, RIGHT!"
He could tell he was spitting at Touya. He could tell his words were hurting Touya. And he hated how horrible he felt for doing it.
"N-No!"
"DON'T YOU DARE FUCKING LIE TO ME!"
It was his turn to grab Touya by the collar of his dress shirt, with a lot more aggression and strength. He could hear the popping of threads.
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D SAY!" There is an unmistakeable despair to his screams. "I WANTED TO SING BECAUSE I WANTED TO PERFORM WITH YOU!"
Fury burned straight to his fist, one that collided strong against Touya's cheek. Still, with a determined fire in his eyes that Akito was starting to forget, Touya persisted.
"I LOVED SINGING BECAUSE I COULD SING WITH YOU!"
"YOU DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING TRY!" At least, if Touya had bothered to try and prove himself, Akito would have found it in his heart to forgive and rebuild what they had. If Touya had trusted him more, and told Akito what he was going through, they wouldn't be in such a mess. The same damn boy who had spurred him on and encouraged him, and had taken his heart, was now miles away from him.
And yet, there was always an invisible thread that wanted him to stay. Akito knew, deep down, that no one on this Earth could ever replace Touya.
"H-How could I, Akito!" he whimpers with pleading eyes, grabbing Akito again at his chest. "You h-hate me!"
'I love you' is what resonates from his heart in response, which only seemed to reach Touya through another punch to his cheek, this time right on the bone. Because he hates his feelings. Because he hates loving the guy who had ruined his life as much as he had brought light to it.
This rials Touya.
"YOU NEVER CONFIDED IN ME! NOT EVEN ONCE! YOU'RE A SELFISH-"
"YOU NEVER TOLD ME ANYTHING EITHER!" he snaps back, shoving Akito, who stumbles a bit to make even footing. "YOU NEVER TRUSTED ME WITH YOUR PROBLEMS SO WHY SHOULD I!"
That stung, deep within his ribs. As vulnerable as he was around Touya, he had never revealed anything about himself, always dismissing it and avoiding confrontation. Touya had mostly been an open book to him, since all of his problems had been dealt with in the past, and the one time he kept something to himself, Akito loathed him. Maybe, Akito was being the selfish one. He knew that, deep down, for not being empathetic, and pushing the blame onto Touya.
He knew and yet, though a fit of blind rage, lands another punch onto Touya's swollen cheek, flourishing with red.
This time, Touya punches back, right by Akito's nose.
He groans, tearing up a little in pain, and this flips a very dangerous switch. Touya has never landed a punch on him. Touya has never been that angry, so has never had the need to punch someone out of frustration. Yet his surprise was very short-lived, swiping his fingers over the inflamed skin beneath his eye before he lands another strike like the crack of a whip.
It could just be the influence of booze, or the many years of pent-up frustration and longing, but there were many punches to follow, and the two were pried apart by strangers with bruises, swollen eyes and bloody noses. The two collapse on their overspent adrenaline just before the ambulance arrives to take them away. In those few seconds, Akito really takes in the reality of his situation.
Touya lay slumped in front of him, propped up by one of the people who'd intervened, with dishevelled hair, bleeding lips, and discoloured cheeks. His shirt, equally as messy with stains and creases, was missing its first two buttons, and his trembling hands rest open, his knuckles rosy. Most unsettlingly of all were his eyes - bloodshot, blown open and flooded in tears, a breath-taking silver. Scared. Pleading. Lost. And, for a moment, Akito felt lost in them.
They were escorted in separate ambulances, ensuring to keep them apart. His bleeding nose was quickly stopped and his injuries were mildly cleaned up - though they needed a more thorough check up to ensure there is no major damage internally - and Akito was only then left with his thoughts.
In a few minutes, he was brought to tears and ugly, dry sobs.
Why did it all go so, so wrong? He had everything he could ever need back then! It was just him and Touya, two boys with the simple desire to surpass a legend, and engross their troubles with their music and each other! With Touya, he felt unstoppable, like he could take on the world! Why didn't Akito fight for their dream? Why didn't Akito try harder to bring Touya back, instead of watching their relationship collapse? As much as he hated Touya with so much of himself, he hated himself equally as much, for letting him leave and never swallowing his pride and resentment down enough to chase after him.
He will never forgive Touya, and he will never forgive himself.
Weariness takes a toll on him, and his eyes close. Softly in the distance, there is a nostalgic ring of song in his ears: a melody from a fated encounter on the bustling streets in the midsummer; of a shy boy with silver eyes and a small smile.