Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Steven took a deep breath in and sighed.

-✰-

Click!

He slowly let go of his grip on the doorknob and turned to glance at sunlight streaming through drawn shades over the bathroom window. It refracted through the flower vase on the windowsill and spread small rainbow prisms across the flooring.

The small beauty of it transfixed him for a moment until the light bounced through the kitchen knife in the other hand and caught his eye.
Lifting his hand up, his own dazed face looked back at him in the blade’s reflection. The eye contact immediately shook him back to what he went in there for.

He sat down against the outside of the bathtub and took the knife in a hand trembling with hesitation, and then tightened in anger.

-

A splitting headache snapped on as the room was spinning in a hazy blur and the only thing his eyes could focus on was a reddish pink gem he seemed to be gripping in his sweaty hand and a sticky knife in the other.

He was scratching the knife over the gem’s facets again and again and again, but not even a mark would appear, no matter how hard he was trying and trying and trying. His hands started slipping and he was barely able to hold the knife steady.

hold still!.... can’t-....can’t even...good for nothing little...!!!

A short scream of frustration and two clinks pierced the air.

The diamond landed across the floor, fully intact, and shone in the rays filtered from the window to the side of it.

what a fuck up!...

He took in a labored sigh. Slumped against the bathtub in defeat, he stared, stared, stared up at the ceiling, and tried not to think about anything that’d happen next.

-✰-

Brilliant white light in the room faded into a rosy pink glow as the gem half drifted down to the floor and took in the surroundings.

“...”

Scattered streaks of red stained floor tiles led to the shaking hands and crimson blotched clothes of the human half- desperately avoiding any eye contact.

Right.

He couldn’t bring himself to move.

Just a moment ago, he would’ve been more than willing to watch himself die, bash himself through the floor and be done with everything. It wasn’t like he didn’t still want to do that; he knew it was something for the greater good, it’d fix everything, he had to tear everything apart, but the sight of so much of his own blood dripping on the floor was making him so...Guilty.

He knew he had to die. He just knew he couldn’t kill himself like this.

“please just do something already.”

"I can’t.”

I’m such a fuck up!

He shivered and his lower lip trembled. “w- i’m already all the way here, aren’t i? it’s not...” he kept pausing to take breaths. “i wanted this. i need this."

I know.

"everyone would be bet-better for it. i don’t have anything left to do for them."

I know.

"i only hurt them now.”

I know!

"I know. I want to.”

“then...”

He took a hesitant step toward the human. “It’s...harder to hate yourself so much when your blood is...already all over the floor.”

"hah...it’s a bit harder to not hate yourself more when you don’t...you could just- you could fix everything right now!- hufh-“ he tried to clear his throat, but just kept hacking up something gross.

"...”

The half diamond walked softly to his side, stooped down, and poked the half human right in the middle of his forehead.

“mmph!- w- what was that for?? i...” Something seemed to shift in his demeanor as the healing essence shone in the air, and he blinked in confusion. He was still mostly stained a dark rust on his arms and clothes, but the deep gashes through his chest stopped burning as the wounds closed up.

"why’d...i thought...”

“The gems are getting home soon.” Probably.

“wh-“

“So I need to think of something- a different way to do this, they don’t have a chance of...stopping.” Which is true. Couldn’t even scratch the surface.

“.......you could just-“

"Already thought of that.” He said, knowing he had no clue what on earth that was, like a lying liar who doesn’t think about anything before he does it-

“ok, sure, whatever,” he shrugs in exasparation. “so...what’s the plan now???”

Great question. If this isn’t happening yet, it’s gonna happen later...But not if the gems see this, they won’t let me out of their sight and they’ll never stop worrying about me and Pearl’s gonna watch me sleep again-

“uh...-"

“Hosing everything down and throwing it in the washing machine.”

The half human pouts and studies the ground, playing up his sarcastic disappointment. “...not like i’m totally sure i can’t jab myself with a knife for a couple hours and be done with it...” Not like I’m sure I know how to crack a diamond into dust.

The gem paused to take his finger off the other’s forehead, then picked up the human like a cat and sat him in the bathtub. He was already protesting but the human’s eyes flashed with realization when he saw a glowing hand reach for the faucet.

“wait, hold on, at least turn on the warm water!-“

The gem turned the cold tap on full blast.

“AGCK- this plan SUCKS!” He tried to shift away from the downpour but just kept slipping around. The absurdity nearly broke out a faint grin from the half diamond.

Still, he began to fidget with the knobs for warmer water.

-

Round and round, a handful of towels and clothes tumbled in the humming washer. Vivid fuchsia shades reflected off the glass window, emanating from a certain half gem sitting against the digits of the cupped stone hand with his arms wrapped around his legs.

The half human leaned against him, nodding off every so often. No wonder; it was a crisp, breezy day, the type where the warm, salty air from the shifting waves would lull you to sleep for hours on a lazy Sunday.

Is it even Sunday??

It wasn’t that hard to wash everything. Water and a towel. Elbow grease.

Something in the act almost felt mundane, like wiping up kitchen spills, to have a concrete job and to do it.

Like it was just another chore to get to that day.

Like he wasn’t just looking at his own mistakes staining his hands so vividly.

Like he wasn’t just solving problems that were his own fault.

Like he wasn’t just hurting everyone else and he could be good for something, anything!-

But all he could do now was wait for the washer to finish and hope the towels didn’t smell so metallic afterward.

"This was a pretty terrible idea." The sudden ring of his voice pulled the half human out of a doze.

“mmmph..." pulling a bitter tone, he grinned, "no kidding, huh?"

Yeah, obviously, what are you even saying, you talk to yourself all the time, why are you so bad at it now- "...I feel guilty. About everything.”

He twiddled his thumbs, picking the dried blood flakes from under his pale fingernails. "well, there’s not much to do about it now,” gesturing to the washer hitting the spin cycle, "and... it’s not like everything got bungled up. the gems won’t even know."

Silence hung in the air for a bit.

“...i mean, still couldn’t even get halfway there...”

"Not helping.”

"hmmmm? ohhh, don’t pay any attention to me,” He started studying the floor and he switched tones to be cloying, “i'm just talking to myself, it's not important."

You’ve got to be kidding me, you-.... "Aren't you talking to yourself right now-“

"snrk..HA!" He burst out a laugh and started coughing a little from his weak voice, “this is so...cosmically ridiculous....sure, i’m talking to myself, i- then i’m talking to the person who tried to kill me! not like i’ve never given someone with that honor the time of day before, but, y- you wanna act like it really matters what i say right now when i’m just talking about myself!-”

Pink hues started to shine brighter. "Well, usually, I’m not torn in half and I know what- ...I’m thinking,” his voice clipped as he clutched his sleeves. “And- why are you acting like I’m any more of a screwup than you anyway, we’re both...”

“...both just steven? ...i guess you’re...” he paused and sighed. “what does it matter apart, anyway? it’s still just steven! we’re, both the crappiest person in the galaxy!" the human went on ranting with exasperation, "there's just...steven. it's...it’s not, 'both,' cause steven's just, himself, steven’s not a fusion because you- i- am just steven. i-if it’s like fusion, then i’m not steven, and if i’m not steven, then i’m nothing at all, and then, w- what would the gems do, they’d fall apart without me, and, gosh, this was such a horrible idea-“

"Hey.”

“y- don’t interrupt m-“

“Nobody is ever going to find out about anything. We’re Steven. And, even if...even if that’s not true, which, it is true, there’s no other... The gems won’t know. It doesn’t matter.”

"of course you don’t think it matters, what do you know about being steven-"

"What's that supposed to mean-"

“ugh! you’re always- messing everything up for everyone! no one likes me for my powers anymore, all i do is hurt people. there’s no point to them now."

“So you’re saying that it’s my fault because I'm stuck with Steven's powers. Guess what. We’re both Steven, we have the same powers that mess everything up."

"..."

"...You just don’t have them right now.”

“....yeah. sure, my fault too, human emotions and stuff...”

But the house wouldn’t have been wrecked if I hadn’t

"...We’re both just. Screw ups at everything.”

But no one would’ve ever worried if I hadn’t

The glow dimmed from the gem.

“...yeah.”

But I wouldn’t even need to think about this if I hadn’t-!

“This isn’t worth it.”

None of this is, is it?

“Who am I kidding. This is all my fault.”

“...”

“And I don’t know how to fix it.”

“...i don’t know either.”

The words fell distant even though he hadn’t moved.

The adrenaline, instinct, coding, whatever the half gem’d been running on since he fell back into consciousness, dropped like the flick of a switch. He couldn’t focus on anything around him. Everything was wrong.

No, he was the one wrong.

And he couldn’t fix it!

And, sure, he was fully familiar with the terrible weight in his chest that he felt was dropped on him when he was upset, but this felt so much worse, like some clawing despair, something was wrong, like back in White’s head, but there was something else behind that, it was too strange for that, he couldn’t even focus now, and the one thing he knew he felt was lonelier than he ever felt in all his years, but that didn't make sense, because he’s just Steven, he could deal with being left alone, and was he even alone, but nothing made sense, and he couldn't fix this, couldn't fix Steven, what was wrong with him, didn't know why this was wrong, it’s all going wrong, wrong, wrong!-

"hey."

The tug on his sleeve was weak, but it may as well have pulled him in from orbit.

Looking to his right, the other stared back, his exhausted expression suddenly shaken with alarm and his breath heightened. His eyes kept darting back and forth to something.

He looked down to the end of his sleeve.

A shaking, pale pink hand gripping jagged, hard-light shards cut deep into the skin’s surface. Slowly, the half-gem lifted up the hand and loosened the grip.

Thick liquid, a hue of pink so intense it was nearly red, coated the palm the fragments pressed into.

He stared at it.

He couldn’t bring himself to do anything else.

Sometime between the heat death of the universe and a few seconds later, he felt another tug on the right sleeve, still clutching holographic shrapnel.

The shards dissipated into sparks as he made the effort to exhale, slowly resting the hand down.

It was the first time he had taken a breath.

Another breath in.

Another breath out.

A shaking hand with a slow pulse gripping a jacket sleeve was all he could focus on.

-✰-

Salty breezes blew through the human's tangled flyaway hairs, beginning to dry the rose pink blood on the gem’s glowing hand. Holding fast to the other’s cotton pink sleeve, he couldn't help but feel horribly guilty, as, most people probably would if they saw...

Well, even if he didn't like himself, he wouldn't want to watch himself jab his hand with...

like when he was still...

oh stars.

He tried to chase those memories out, away from tense smiles and large sweeping hands and space jet lag and glittering pink curtains but it was pointless to catch the thoughts before they scattered everywhere in everything, fluttering, spiraling, spinning-

Humming from the washing machine faded and the spin cycle stopped.

Both their sludgy thoughts interrupted, the pair stared at the washer to process it for a few seconds until the gem leaned to kick open the washer door, grab the clothes in there, and study them for traces of stains. A few beats passed.

"Nothing there. Everything's..." He trailed off, tossed the clothes back in the machine, pearl'd probably just assume i was too busy to remember to dry it, and sat back upright.

The sea breeze began to fall under a weighted quiet hazing into the air as they both had the same thought lingering over them.

"...I have to..."

"...get steven back now?...”

Neither of them could say anything more, but the atmosphere said all it needed to. Of course they didn’t want to do this.

to go on like this.

It was the same reason they were apart in the first place.

come on.

you’ve been through worse than this.

"i-“ he tried not to let his voice waver. “...i don't want to do this anymore than you do, but-“

“I know." Though it was flat, his voice still had an unmistakable tint of resignation, melancholy, exhaustion.

Something he recognized in himself more and more as he needed to do what everyone else needed again and again.

“I can't live this way anymore."

his eyes were so sincerely terrified.

“then, why do you have to do it this way?”

A blink. "...I- I don’t- I don’t know how else to go on.”

could swear he was shimmering like...static?-

"i don't...i don’t know either.”

it felt like there should be an answer to lightbulb up, something to say to fix everything, stop dragging everyone else down with him, maybe even be happy, but there wasn’t.

did he even earn being allowed to stop being so miserable? was it even worth it, at this point, when the more miserable he got, the happier everyone else seemed to be?

A deep sigh. "y'know, i've, had to think about getting killed for so long, but...how many things have i done that actually- have to do with dying?..."

He glanced at the gem grabbing a roll of bandage from his pocket, and delicately wrapping his hand in it. A rose gold glow shone under the dull cloth, like watching the sun’s rays filter through drying clothes on a line.

"that doesn’t make sense, but, i mean, how often have i even gotten hurt? bled? i guess when you have healing powers you don't really think about normal stuff around death you see on tv like...i dunno, writing a will, or last wishes, bucket lists or something..."

He was always trying to keep his hands busy. If he's not trying to do something, there's no point. If there's nothing left to do, he has...nothing left to do.

“you know, i'd like to imagine...that my last day here, i'd be doing some...big...thing. something that felt like i was...that things would be better off...than before i was there. like i could do one more thing to help everyone."

He tightened the knot of the wrapping and tore the loose edges with his teeth.

"but if i could do anything, well, kinda selfish, in the world right now..."

No trace of cerise stains were visible on the jacket's hue. Does it even matter if it isn't anything but light?

"i'd just want to watch tv in my bed. wrapped in blankets. i'm just so tired. i’d just want... to feel normal.”

Suddenly, the gem got up from the floor.

"hu-where on earth are you going?”

A soft stare looked down at him and held out his bandaged hand.

"Then let's go watch TV."

The human's face scrunched up in confusion. "what??”

"......" he seemed to have no answer to that, and paused how a computer’s face would probably look like when bluescreening.

“i mean, i wasn’t really being- like, super literal, but-“

“I-“ whenever he stumbled over his words, they always had a shift like skipping around a show on vhs... “I think it would make this situation less...weird. Better. I- it's just something to do, while, I, we, think of what to- how to...move forward.”

whatever that means now.

"alright. that’s..." he sighed again. "...i- this is a crummy place to sit anyway,” he shifted to take the gem’s hand in standing up.

“so what's first on thHWOAH!"

His knees immediately buckled but the gem held him up before he could slip, his shaking arms trying to catch a hold to keep his balance.

"heh- ha..." He started coughing and the gem held onto him tighter. "uh...not....used to.....this...."

The gem gave him a stare for a moment, and in a swift motion, he lifted himself up and took the human in his arms, then floating softly down to the balcony below.

"...Do you want juice.”

"what do you mean, juice-" A hacking cough escaped him again. "huhghh..."

"...can you get apple?"

-✰-

"Don't crumble now! We'll be right back to Crying Breakfast Friends after this!"

He pressed the volume a few notches down as an ad about some air freshener started playing. The two halves were both resting against the edge of the bed with the comforter and some pillows haphazardly dragged on the floor, absentmindedly flipping TV channels.

The half-human looked a little better than earlier, Admittedly, that was a pretty low bar, sipping on a can of apple juice with a silly straw stuck in it.

He's had surprisingly few severe side effects for, you know, half of a human who had a gaping chest wound an hour or two ago, and, in a lot of ways, looks like he's doing better about the whole thing than the other. You'd think a Diamond would be able to handle things better than he has, but...

"are you gonna drink that?" It was the first words one of them had said since they sat down. "uh, just curious, i mean, i don't want it, but i...never asked amethyst how she eats food, so, uh... i dunno how you’d..."

He stared down at the peach tea in aluminum reflecting the soft glow from his hands. "I have no idea. Grabbed it from habit, I guess."

"huh."

The sun was sinking below the horizon outside, right at golden hour, casting gorgeous shades of amber around the room.

Turning their gaze up, the gem accidentally caught their reflection in the CRT screen and was instantly unsettled from the piercing stare looking back, a rose-gold glimmer that shone on the other's weary face; the feeling of being in two places at once flashed through his eyes.

"Should we pick names?" The question made the other blow bubbles into the juice in surprise.

"wh-well, i don't think i need one, i'm...ssssstevennnnnn, of course!”

"Wow, nice to meet you Steven, my name’s Steven." Everything he said was deadpan, but he put the effort into that one.

“ugh- hmph- tch- well, i sound more like steven so i win!”

Eye roll. "If we ever end up stuck like this again-"

"pshht, maybe when ruby and sapphire break up-"

"Don't even- it'd just be helpful. I don't know what to call... you, in my head."

"uhh, steven, obviously. you don’t need to call me something, we’re both steven, and i’m gonna fix this before the gems get back. it’s not THAT confusing, you’re the one making it confusing!”

I’m sick of this guy. “I call them Watermelon Stevens for a reason. Just, pick something, and if you hate it, according to you, it won’t matter for long enough anyway.”

"ugh. UGH, fine, but- gimme a second, i can't just pull it out of thin air!" He started glancing at the TV for ideas.

Ffffffffuummmmmmppph.

It's not like he'd picked a name for himself already, anyway. Well, I guess the most obvious thing is that I'm the pink Steven...I'm not Pink, though, so that's going in the trashcan...I'm not going by Diamond over my literal dead body. Or Quartz. I think all of the names are out of the question...

This is hard.

"i think i got one, it's-"

That fast??? "Well- hold your horses, it- we should do a...formal introduction. If we're gonna do this we may as well do...that."

He narrowed his eyes and gave him a Look. "what do you mean formal, like the whole, ‘person i've never met’ speech?"

"It's not a speech, it's literally just...J-just go first."

"well," he clears his throat and drips some sarcasm on it, "my name is ~croissant,~ i use he/they pronouns, and i'm a useless sadsack who makes up the shittier half of the ~savior of the galaxy!~ oh and that's not all, i personally tried to stab him to death a couple hours ago, and this brilliant scheme was foiled by the sweetest little angel of all time-...." he gestures over to the half-gem.

What on Earth is wrong with you- Wait think think think crap crap crap cr

"Glimmer," naming the first thing he saw- his own glimmer refracting the light of the golden hour through the room.

"...He/they, uh- also a useless sadsack who tried to shatter a diamond, again I guess, and messed that up, also, again. Bad at- talking, I guess, and most... other things. ...Getting very annoyed by Sniffling Crudbucket here-"

"hey! don't bring sniffling croissant into this! sniffling croissant makes the show what it is! i don't care what anyone else says, without him, there is no emotional core in the show called freaking ‘crying breakfast friends!’ i will not stand for this sniffling ssslllander from the one who's named after a horse-"

A HORSE???? "I wasn't even thinking of- I haven't seen that show in years."

"you know what they say, your fave dictates your entire personality!”

Nobody says that- she’s not my favorite! "Ignoring that it isn’t because of ‘a horse’, you didn't even get creative, you just saw Croissant onscreen and picked it from there."

"and? can’t top the best character."

"He’s not even top 5. You know what, I don't even care anymore."

"mmmm- me neither!" he crosses his arms and half-turns around to sulk.

Glimmer...

He glances back up at the TV. It's an episode about Weeping Eggcup reminiscing on how much she misses Saccharine Chocolatine...

He'd come to love Eggcup in the later seasons, but before you learn much about her, she's not a great mentor figure and she comes off as guilt tripping everyone for her problems with Chocolatine's absence as if there was much any of the Friends could do about it...He really would never look at her the same because of that starsforsaken Soundcloud rapper post-

“snrk!” Croissant- The issue was that we needed names that didn't make this confusing... started stuffing down a snort of laughter.

"tch...HAH!" He erupted into a cackle until he started wheezing again.

"What is it now.”

"hah," he wiped a tear from his eye, "heh, i dunno, just...this sucks!"

"Yyyyou bet your sweet bippy, it does."

He started laughing again. Glimmer could only look down and mess with his jacket's sleeves.

"hah...huh... you... can't really laugh...can you?"

He'd been avoiding thinking about that.

“...”

The thought of White’s head crossed his mind.

"...I don’t know."

"do you... you still have emotions...right? how does that.. feel? is it.. better?"

"No."

Don't just say that??

"Uh, I... it's... more overwhelming. It builds up. It's like- Like a pot, with no vent in the lid, so, you can't see any steam come out, but it's still hot when you touch it."

"mmm...i mean, no one can tell that the pot's boiling. that seems good."

"...They would just get burned when they open the lid.”

"i- it's on the stove, of course it'd be hot, it's their fault."

"It wasn't on the stove, it was left on the counter." Okay, he almost wanted to smile at that.

"this metaphor sucks!"

Eye roll!

"My turn in this interview," Croissant stuck his tongue out. "I can't imagine having half a human body would be great for you."

He exaggerates a hacking cough. Phoning it in.

"blegh, uh, yeah, you think? i didn't realize how much stuff humans just... can't do. well, other humans can do stuff, i can't take a step without falling over, and for, what, people skills, i guess? what am i bringing to the table here?"

"What do you think you're bringing to the table. Try: everything people like about me. I’m, keeping Steven alive. How charming.”

"uhuh, i'm sure they all liked me when i broke all the windows in beach city."

"With what out of control Diamond powers?"

"with my emotions making them out of control!"

"Like I've never done that."

"like i've never done that!"

"They don't even know I'm not Mom."

"th-..." his demeanor shifts at that. "...they don't, huh..."

"...They couldn't take it. That's...what I want to avoid."

That’s why I need to do it right.

He glances down. Absentmindedly, he picks at the bandaged hand. Stings with pressure put on it. Don't know how that works.

His other hand presses into the cloth on the palm.

Again, Croissant’s hand connects him back to the moment.

He takes Glimmer’s bandaged hand and rests it on the floor, setting his own hand on top of it.

A breath in, a breath out.

"i missed watching crying breakfast friends."

"...Me too."

-

Night fell further and Croissant started nodding off. He kept mumbling that he was just resting his eyes, he wasn't tired, he liked listening to the show like a podcast, then falling asleep again.

Clutching his star pillow with his other hand still over Glimmer's, he looked like he wasn't having a nightmare for what would be the first time in months.

It's a familiar feeling, for sleep to be so far away despite his heavy exhaustion, but now, there wasn't even any physical sleeplessness, even when he'd not so much as leaned back for most of the day.

Boundless source of energy, nowhere to go.

Even his thoughts wouldn't slow down; despite most of them being meaningless worries shrouded in a fuzzy haze, they dragged him along to try to solve them. Because, who else would?

He was trying to avoid the obvious.

There was no point on dwelling on the mistakes that got him here, he was here now and there wasn't anything to do about it.

But he did have to figure out what to do next.

...Tall order.

He didn't even know if they were both going to die from some built in gem hybrid timer that's labeled, "If you spend this long as half a person, you'll both instantly drop dead."

Okay, not likely. But even in best case scenarios where Steven was back and okay and this whole, thing, was a fluke, what would there be left to do then? Hang around with no reason to be there until the next rogue gem catastrophe needed him?

He wanted to find something else he could do, something so he didn't have to deal with himself, just so he could hang on a little longer, put off disappointing everyone as long as possible, do everything he could to make up for everything he was, but every road he looked down felt so daunting and twisted.

The only place his thoughts seemed to take him was ...Back to where this thing started.

It was the only thing he needed, the only thing he deserved, the only thing that would make everyone happy, the only thing that wouldn't tear the rest of them apart, the only thing he knew he had control of.

Except he didn't have control of it, because shattering a diamond was ...A tall order.

He didn't ask about it much back then, but he knew impacts that would break even the most hardened quartzes couldn't crack a diamond. Bismuth really was a brilliant engineer; the Breaking Point was tempered enough to force cracks with enough blows.

Shattering? Once you crack a diamond's structure, the instability is compromised and all it can do is fall apart when faced with stress.

The hard part was doing it himself.

No way would somebody who couldn't sit up would be able to get enough force with the damn thing. And he couldn't risk the cracks immobilizing him from getting a grip on the weapon. Wouldn't it have melted into slag in lava by now, anyway?

Scratch that.

A breath in, a breath out.

None of that mattered. Until it had to matter.

He'd...figure out what to do when... When everything else was done.

If he'd ever be done...

An impulsive flash struck into his head to run outside, try something desperate, fall, fall, fall, fall, fall, do something, anything, that could work, that could help everyone, that could fix this, but it wouldn't work, and he knew it wouldn't, and there was nothing, nothing, nothing he could do about it.

I can’t live like this.

I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.

I can’t!-

"mmpphmph... but i dont wanna.....'s for babyz...." Croissant shifted a little bit on his side and fell still again.

I talk in my sleep?

...What am I doing?

He didn't know what to feel about Croissant. But... something told him they could walk down some daunting, twisted road, and try to find a way through it.

Together?

And...it's not like there wasn't a chance things could work out. He's gotten lucky before, maybe fate would choose to be on his side.

Maybe someday, he could fix everything wrong with him.

He could be worth something to other people again.

He could be happy.

Together...

A breath in, a breath out.

I have to try.

With one last glance at Croissant, Glimmer closed his eyes and tried to drift into sleep.