Work Text:
⋅˚₊‧ ଳ⋆.ೃ࿔*:･
“Caitlyn Kiramman?”
Caitlyn’s head shot up to the door, where a woman in a suit stood looking around the waiting room. This is where she made her first mistake, and it was only down hill from then on. Instead of immediately getting up and greeting her potential boss, she remained seated, letting the awkward silence linger on. Her brain was telling her she must have heard it wrong. Getting up for the wrong name would be stupidly embarrassing and she did not want to make that mistake. And yet deep down she knew she heard the familiar name on the woman’s tongue, but her anxiety stopped all rational thinking.
The woman looked confused as she let out a small cough. “Is there a Caitlyn in here?”
Fuck that is definitely her.
Caitlyn stood up as she cursed herself for not saying something sooner.
She breathed out a, “Yeah, sorry,” and tried to ignore the people behind her in the waiting room staring.
She followed the woman into an office-type room. Basically a square room with a desk and computer and then a chair opposite it, just like what Caitlyn was expecting. At least she had planned that bit correctly.
“Take a seat,” the woman offered, kindly. Caitlyn sat down in the seat opposite her, refusing to allow the grimace to show on her face, remembering the first time she had been told to ‘take a seat’. It was during a meeting with the headteacher in her high school, and Caitlyn had assumed ‘taking a seat’ would mean you physically took a chair. She learned the hard way that it did in fact mean you sat down in one. Gods , Did she only exist to be embarrassed?
“My name is Rebecca and I am the administration manager here, and I will be carrying out your interview today.”
Caitlyn nodded, and then smiled, and then nodded again at nothing. She just needed to show her that she is a human and she can smile and nod like everyone else can.
“I’m going to start by asking a few questions to get to know you, could you tell me a bit about yourself?”
Caitlyn was not an interesting person. She was the kind of person that wished that everyday could be the same forever. She liked to stay at home and read books about sharks and jellyfishes and sea urchins, and then made posters and powerpoints about the cool information she had learned about them, so she could tell Vi everything, so she could enjoy them just as much as Caitlyn. Caitlyn wanted her girlfriend to feel happy, so if sharks and jellyfishes and sea urchins made her happy, she wanted Vi to feel that exact same way.
She realised that a whole minute had passed since Rebecca had asked that question, because Caitlyn was thinking about sharks and jellyfishes and sea urchins. Get it together, Caitlyn.
“Uhm well…I like to pass my time…reading and…doing…sports…”
Caitlyn was a terrible liar.
“Alright, nice. What characteristics do you think you have the most?”
Caitlyn blinked in confusion. Did she mean the genes that code for particular characteristics? Like she had blue eyes and brown hair. But what if she thought she was lying because her hair was dyed blue? Caitlyn glanced around the room, why did she need her to say that if Rebecca could see for herself?
“Sorry, do you mean like…what my hair colour is?” Caitlyn asked.
Rebecca let out a short kind of shocked laugh. Like she couldn’t believe she had just asked that.
The pool of embarrassment that Caitlyn had grown so used to was back in the pit of her stomach.
“No. I mean what traits fit you like are you hard working, are you loyal or are you resilient. That kind of stuff.”
“Oh.”
That made more sense. That made much more sense.
“I suppose I am quite resilient.”
“Can you give me any examples…?”
“Sorry, of what?”
Rebecca’s eyebrows pinched together, which is when Caitlyn realised she hadn’t made eye contact with her the whole interview . Fuck.
“Of all the times you have shown being resilient.”
“Oh yes, uhm…when I was doing my uni course, I had to be very resilient as I came to a lot of barriers. Wait not uhm actual barriers…things that I found hard. But I didn't give up even when it was hard.”
Did that even make any sense? What was she even trying to say?
“Okay. Moving on, why do you want this job?”
Caitlyn thought back to yesterday when Vi was helping Caitlyn prepare answers to this interview. She had straight away said she wanted this for the money, but Vi said she shouldn’t say that because managers wouldn't hire someone who was just there for the money. Caitlyn then asked but isn't everyone just there for the money? Why would you get a job for any other reason? Vi explained that you just couldn’t say that. Instead you had to say something about how the job would be a good opportunity to gain helpful work experience and lifelong friendships or something like that.
Caitlyn came to the conclusion that whoever ended up with the job was the person who could lie the best. And that person would probably never be her.
“I would like this job because it gives me work experience and opportunity. Oh and uhm lifelong experience.”
Rebecca nodded. “And why should you be the one to get this job rather than anyone else?”
The thing was that Caitlyn didn’t think she should get this job. Surely someone out there would be a much better fit than her. She went from studying marine biology at university to going to an interview for an administration office job that she didn’t even want. She just wanted to have her own income and be independent for the first time. She saw other twenty two year olds having children and marrying and settling down, whereas Caitlyn couldn’t even get a job because every interview was a bust and all she wanted to do was think about sharks and jellyfishes and sea urchins all day.
Tears welled up in her eyes as the silence went on for longer and longer, becoming almost painful. There was no point in trying. Someone was going to waltz in here, have all the qualifications and have great social skills. What even was the point? Why couldn’t she just speak for once. Why can’t she speak?
“Are you okay? Do you want some water?” Rebecca asked. Perfect Rebecca. Rebecca who has a job and can talk to strangers like she’s reciting the alphabet. She doesn’t need to worry about the rules and if she’s making enough eye contact or if her facial expression looks interested enough. She can just exist. Caitlyn wondered what it would be like to have that privilege to be able to open your mouth and trust that you know what you're saying and doing in conversations. Speaking back and forth so easily like playing a game of tennis. It’s a privilege she’ll never be able to experience due to the brain she was born with. One slightly different gene meant that Rebecca got to live her life that way, and Caitlyn could not.
“Caitlyn?” Rebecca asked, concerned.
She didn’t know how long she had sat there silently for, but it had been way too long. Her brain was screaming at her to say something. Anything. But her mouth wouldn’t move.
She just knew she had to get out of there.
“Sorry,” she whispered, rushing to open the door and sprint down the corridor. It was safe to say she would never be returning here. On her way out she found a sign pointing to a bathroom. She slipped inside the empty woman’s restroom and locked herself into a cubicle. As she was finally sure she was alone, she let herself breathe again. But that breath never came. She was left gasping and choking on air, not being able to take in a full breath. The more she panicked the more it consumed her. She dug her nails into her arm, so hard that blood started to pool around her fingernails.
She asked herself what would Vi do in that situation. She was sure Vi would tell her to count her breathing. Breathe in for four, hold for four, and then out for four. She thought about jellyfish and how scientists have evidence that they have been around for over five hundred million years. Before dinosaurs. Breathe in, breathe out . She thought about how sharks have been around for four hundred and fifty million years. Also before the dinosaurs even existed. Breathe in, breathe out. She wondered how many jellyfish species have never been discovered because they lived in parts of the ocean humans hadn’t explored yet. She wondered what Vi would think about it.
Her grip became loose on her arm and her breathing returned to a somewhat normal pace. She hadn’t thought this far ahead so she had no idea what to do. Vi had gone to the shops while Caitlyn did her interview, and she didn’t know when she would be finished to pick her up. She took out her little crochet jellyfish out of her pocket and squeezed its soft body. The bathroom stayed empty, which meant it stayed quiet. That was until a buzz from her phone filled the silence.
Violet ❤️
Just arrived in the parking lot behind the building. Got you a treat for being awesome ;) 💗
Caitlyn walked to their car a lot slower this time, having used up most of her energy on talking. As Vi spotted Caitlyn, she grinned and waved at her. Caitlyn didn’t return it.
“Hey, Cupcake,” Vi chirped as Caitlyn sat in the passenger seat. “Got you a little something because I know the interview must've been stressful. So…”
Vi grabbed the shopping bag from the back seat and looked around inside. She took out a brown bag which Caitlyn recognised was from her favourite bakery.
“A plain vanilla cupcake, just how you like it.” Vi took it out and showed her the delicious item. Vi looked so happy, but also so proud of Caitlyn which made her want to cry because she really didn’t deserve her as her girlfriend.
A sob escaped her lips by accident. She was so exhausted that masking was completely out of the question now. Tears began to fall and she couldn’t stop them. The urge to take her fists and hit her head as hard as she could became strong. Anything to stop the overpowering, bad feeling that was in her. She didn’t know how to describe, she just knew it felt bad, and she wanted it to stop. She wanted it out of her.
“Oh,” Vi let out a strangled sound out of surprise. She had gone to a few interviews with Caitlyn but none of them had ever left her so upset.
Caitlyn had started to instinctively curl up into a ball in order to protect herself. Although it was quite hard in the passenger seat, Caitlyn managed to shrink in size, an action she’d learnt from her childhood.
Vi leaned over and tried to initiate physical contact, but Caitlyn flinched away.
“What’s wrong, Baby. Did something happen?” Vi questioned, trying to hide her panic. She had never seen Caitlyn so upset.
“So stupid,” she mumbled, pressing her hands against the seat as hard as she could.
“I’m sure that’s not true, you’re the smartest person I know.”
Caitlyn looked up and violently shook her head. “Can’t talk. Can’t speak properly. Like everyone else. So stupid. Can’t do simple things everyone else can do.”
Caitlyn gasped for air because there was no way she was going to repeat what happened in the bathroom. She copied the breathing exercises she had done earlier, hoping it would somehow calm her down.
“-That’s it, Cait, you’re doing an amazing job. Just keep breathing. In and out.”
Vi’s calming voice served as an anchor through the storm. Caitlyn focused on the sound of her voice, and slowly, the tears stopped flowing and all that was left were stains on her red cheeks.
Her crochet jellyfish had become quite squished from gripping the carseat so tightly, that one of its legs had completely come off. Caitlyn made a small sound of distress as she stared down at the broken jellyfish. It was ruined and it was all her fault. Why couldn’t she do anything right?
“It’s okay. It’s okay, Baby. You can fix it just like how you made it. Don’t you have to make the legs and the body separate?”
Caitlyn nodded slightly. “But it doesn’t have legs, it has tentacles. And the curly bits are called its oral arms which is where the stinging cells are located.”
Vi smiled, playfully. “See close enough. Jellyfish have arms.”
Caitlyn raised an eyebrow, “Jellyfish do in fact not have arms.”
“Well maybe they should. That way they can hug the other jellyfish. Or fight them. Whichever works the best.”
“Jellyfish are solitary creatures, preferring to travel alone. They don’t have any need for arms because they are not social animals. Like me.” Caitlyn mumbled the last bit, hoping Vi wouldn’t hear it, but she did. Caitlyn always talked about how much she wished she was a jellyfish. Floating alone in the quiet, dark ocean. Not even knowing that they’re alive, and not having a brain to torture them. She wondered what it would be like not to have a brain at all.
“You don’t have to tell me what happened in there. But I am here if you do,” Vi reminded.
“Don’t want you to be mad,” Caitlyn muttered.
“Cupcake of course I won’t be mad. I’m so proud of you for going there today and doing something outside of your comfort zone. I am very proud of you and nothing’s going to change that.”
Caitlyn frowned. “I am being overdramatic, probably. It’s just that I really wanted to do well because of all the time we spent going over answers to the questions. And I thought I could do it. But I messed it up like I mess everything up. And said all the wrong answers. I’m sorry. This was my one chance to get a job and I ruined it.”
“Don’t apologise, Baby. Other jobs pop up all the time. Plus I don’t think this job was really your thing anyways. Too much maths and not enough jellyfish,” Vi reassured.
Caitlyn looked up, as the fear of Vi being disappointed at her disappeared.
“I’ve had my fair share of terrible interviews. I think everyone has. The interviewer probably asked stupid questions so it’s not your fault.”
“Yeah. She asked what characteristics I have,” Caitlyn blinked.
“What? That’s such a terrible question. I don’t even know what that means,” Vi snorted.
“Exactly. But she looked at me like I was crazy that I didn’t know what that meant.”
“That was definitely not on you. Who even asks that? Don’t beat yourself up about it,” Vi reassured.
Caitlyn shook her head. “I didn’t want the job.”
“Of course you didn't, it's definitely not your thing. But don’t worry we’ll find something that is. It takes a bit of time but we will,” Vi agreed.
Caitlyn rested the tiny jellyfish in the palm of her hands, having now finished puffing its stuffed insides up. The tentacle laid next to it, Caitlyn moving it with the utmost care.
“Let's go home so we can make sure that jellyfish gets the care it needs. Oh and it can sit next to the plushie that you finished yesterday. What was it? The one with the big mouth?”
“Whale shark,” Caitlyn answered.
“That’s it! It can lay with the whale shark while you stitch its tentacle back.”
Caitlyn made a sound of agreement, and Vi started the car engine. Caitlyn felt much calmer on the ride home, jellyfish in hand. She had almost forgotten all about the awful interview, and how terrible she felt not being able to speak like everyone else. Okay, maybe she remembered that. But that feeling is not a new thing. It was always there, and had been ever since she was five years old when someone had asked her why she doesn’t talk, and she had answered that she didn’t know she had to.
She couldn’t compete with the people who were born knowing all the rules in the social handbook, and had every answer to every question in the world on the top of their tongue. Even though Caitlyn had spent her whole life trying to learn them, it would never be enough. The ‘ often struggles to initiate and sustain back-and-forth conversations’ on her diagnosis was as clear as looking through a magnifying glass. And yet she felt awful when her lack in social skills was so noticeable to the people around her. The fact that she had spent so many years trying to mask it and she still couldn’t get anywhere close felt almost humiliating.
Despite her tightly worn mask, everyone always figured out she was different. And it was not fair. She hadn’t asked to be born this way? She hadn’t asked for any of this. And yet she was blamed for it like it was her fault. Then she is left to live her life getting the same level of support as everyone else. Being expected to do the same as everyone else.
People act awfully surprised when her disability disables her.
⋅˚₊‧ ଳ⋆.ೃ࿔*:･
An hour later and Caitlyn has successfully reattached the tentacle to the small jellyfish. She showed this to the whale shark, who responded with its wide, open mouth. She placed the jellyfish with all of her other crocheted jellyfish, all different colours and sizes.
“Hi, Cupcake. I got you your tea,” Vi greeted, entering their colourful bedroom. Vi let Caitlyn decorate the space however she wanted. Vi spent a lot of her time in the office, now that she worked from home, and only went into the bedroom to sleep. Whereas Caitlyn spends most of her time here crocheting jellyfishes or writing about sharks or reading about sea urchins. And so jellyfish posters filled the blue walls and all of Caitlyn’s collections were meticulously displayed on shelves in specific orders no one but her made sense of. Vi loved the room because it was so full of character and reminded her of her girlfriend every time she stepped in the room.
“Thank you, Darling.”
Caitlyn brought the lukewarm tea to her lips, and then breathed a sigh of relief. The orange, evening glow lit up the room in a familiar way, making Caitlyn feel exceptionally calm. Warmth filled her entire body as she stared at her grinning girlfriend in front of her, and she felt so grateful that she had her in her life.
“No problem. Ah you fixed it!” Vi said eagerly, taking the tiny jellyfish in her hands. Caitlyn loved that about Vi, that even though Caitlyn had a lot of things displayed in their room, Vi would notice in an instant if something was added or taken away. Vi noticed things.
“Yep, it’s as good as new. Even though sea nettle jellyfish only live for approximately six months, I would prefer if that jellyfish lived for longer.”
“I bet it will. It’s a very special one. And I thought jellyfish lived forever?”
Caitlyn knew what she was doing, and yet she still fell for Vi’s traps. Vi had told her before that she loved it when Caitlyn spoke passionably about topics she liked, but Caitlyn always felt guilty going on half an hour rants about the types of jellyfish that lived in the pacific sea.
“That is only slightly true. Most jellyfish types do not live forever, like moon jellies and sea nettles; however, there is one type of jellyfish called the immortal jellyfish which has the ability to revert to an earlier life stage to avoid death by old age which means they can hypothetically live forever. But a lot of them don’t because they are vulnerable to predation and disease which causes death,” Caitlyn explained.
“Wow. I had no idea a jellyfish could do that.”
“Well lucky you have me,” Caitlyn blinked.
“Yes I am very lucky to have you,” Vi grinned.
Caitlyn rolled her eyes at Vi’s ability to flirt. She’ll let it slide just this once because she let her talk about jellyfish.
“How are you feeling now?” Vi asked, tone shifting into something more serious.
“Fine.”
“You know I was really worried about you earlier. I’d never seen you so upset.”
Caitlyn’s eyes widened. “Oh. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. Not for that. But I just felt so helpless. I didn’t know what to do,” Vi explained.
Caitlyn got a cloth and started to wipe down her shelves in order to keep her hands busy, placing her cup of tea down in the process. “You did fine. Way better than what my mother used to do.”
“Does it happen a lot?”
“No, not anymore. It was only a frequent occurrence when I was younger. I haven’t had a panic attack like that in…years.”
“Do you mind me asking what triggered it?”
Caitlyn paused, not knowing the answer herself.
“Sorry, you don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to.”
“I do want to. I just need a moment,” Caitlyn replied, truthfully.
She took a gentle sip from her tea as she thought about it.
“I suppose it was…feeling like I had messed up and disappointed you again. I’m a perfectionist, as you well know, and I wanted the interview to go perfectly. But my shitty social skills ruined it like they always do,” Caitlyn scowled. Sometimes she felt like her body and brain were separate. She spoke about her brain like it was a different part of her. There was her, over-achiever hardworking Caitlyn vs her brain, getting upset over a slight change of plan and missing obvious social cues. She loathed her brain with every muscle in her body and would do anything to change it. Maybe she shouldn’t say that but it’s true. She had no ‘superpowers’ despite what people told her.
“Cait, I would never be disappointed in you for something like that. I would never be disappointed in you full stop. You’re amazing. You’ve got your struggles and I understand that, and if anyone doesn’t then fuck them they’re not worth your time. I fell in love with every part of you, shitty social skills and all.”
Caitlyn’s lips twitched up. “But Mother said no one would ever love me like this.”
“Well then she’s completely wrong because how could anyone not fall in love with you. Forget about everything she said to you because they are wrong. You’re perfect,” Vi expressed.
“You could say that to me one hundred times, Violet, and I would still never believe you,” Caitlyn admitted.
Vi frowned and stepped closer, pressing a few kisses on her cheek. Caitlyn hummed in satisfaction.
“Tell me what I can do to help,” Vi mumbled into her skin. “When you get upset like that. I want to help.”
Caitlyn blinked in surprise. Her Mother hadn’t cared in the slightest what Caitlyn would have liked, doing the complete opposite of what would have helped in that situation.
“I uhm, I’m not huge on touch. I already feel out of control, and then when you touch me it makes it feel worse, like I’m not in my body,” Caitlyn admitted.
“Okay, got it. No touch.”
“I also sometimes find it hard to speak, during and after. It would help if I didn’t have to force myself to.”
“Of course. Never force yourself to do something like that for me.”
“And uhm, I like when you talk. It makes me feel safe.” Caitlyn could not believe she had actually admitted that.
“Oh you like my voice, Cupcake?” Vi smirked.
“Yes I suppose so.”
“Okay, thanks for telling me all that.”
“I should be thanking you,” Caitlyn opposed.
“Why?”
“For not leaving me or getting angry at me.”
Vi’s eyebrows pinched. “Because you had a shit day? Why would I be angry at you for that? Everyone has shit days, and yours was very understandable.”
“Because I got immensely upset over a very little thing. It wasn’t right of me to act like that,” she acknowledged.
“Baby, it’s a good thing to show your emotions. Keeping it all up inside makes it worse. I would never get angry at you for that,” Vi gently rubbed her cheeks with the tips of her fingertips. “I’m glad that you felt safe enough to open up. I’m really proud of you and I’m sure the jellyfish are too.”
Caitlyn snorted at the mention of her favourite animal. “They don’t even know they are alive. Jellyfish and the stuffed animal version.”
“They don’t need to be. And I can guarantee that the jellyfish want you to be expressing how you feel even if it is because of one bad conversation or a change in routine. And I know that they also think you are being way too hard on yourself.”
“Jellyfish don’t have brains so they can’t think that.”
“Nope. That’s what they think,” Vi insisted.
“Do they now?”
“One hundred percent.”
“Okay, I’ll take your word for it,” Caitlyn smiled, overcome with the joy she felt that she had someone like Vi in her life. She had no idea what she would do without her.
“Now, what was that jellyfish called again? The infinite one?”
“The immortal jellyfish,” Caitlyn stated.
“Yeah, that was it. Tell me about that.”
“Are you sure?” Caitlyn hesitated.
“Of course. I need to know everything about that cool jellyfish,” Vi insisted, grinning from ear to ear.
That night, Caitlyn went to sleep with no guilt in her mind. Just the sound of Vi’s heartbeat against her ear and dreams of jellyfishes and sharks and sea urchins.
⋅˚₊‧ ଳ⋆.ೃ࿔*:･