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“Can I get you anything to drink?”
When Alex decided to come to the party, he hadn’t expected that the perfect chance to explore the new things he’d been learning about himself would arrive in the form of the hottest guy on campus.
Henry—the most attractive English Literature nerd in the history of language—stood before him, with his blonde hair, hazel eyes that sometimes shimmered with hints of green, and a body so perfectly sculpted, with firm muscles and a shoulder-to-waist ratio that would make Alex envious, if it weren’t that it makes him drool instead.
But it isn’t just Henry’s looks that hold Alex under a spell. When Henry smiles, he lights up the entire room with an effortless warmth. Sharp, passionate, and endlessly intriguing, Alex once overheard Henry debating fiercely with classmates about how subversive Kate Chopin was for her era - how her stories challenged women to reconcile personal identity with societal expectations and the confines of traditional gender roles.
Every day, Henry claims the same spot at the library table, poring over books for pleasure and scribbling notes with a quiet intensity.
He is fascinating to observe, even from afar.
And yes, Alex had noticed him, alright. It’s impossible not to, when Henry is always walking around campus looking like that , not caring about the way he makes people feel or how he unintentionally makes them reevaluate their life choices. He has eyes!
Alex has been thinking lately that to daydream about shoving Henry against walls and sucking his dick isn’t straight behaviour at all.
So there he was, putting his theory to the test by finding Henry at the party, preparing him a drink, taking him to the dance floor, and grinding against each other until both of them were rock hard.
Oh, yes, Alex is very into guys—Henry, specifically, for the time being.
Kissing Henry feels amazing. The way he touches Alex does nothing to satisfy him; it only leaves him craving for more. When he realizes that having his tongue down Henry’s throat is not enough, Alex decides it’s time to take this night somewhere more private.
He takes the testing further, inviting Henry to his dorm, knowing he is alone, his roommate is out of the city visiting his girlfriend, so he can take Henry to do everything he has been daydreaming of doing to him.
And Henry is so eager, so sensitive. He orders Alex around. Tells him to slow down, to enjoy the moment, and they take their sweet time undressing each other. Henry trails his long fingers over Alex’s skin; Alex presses sweet kisses into Henry’s neck and collarbones. Against Alex’s callous hands, Henry’s skin feels too soft and delicate, but Henry doesn’t seem to mind. On the contrary, he kisses Alex’s hands, telling how good they feel over his body.
They gaze at each other, and smiling, Alex reaches out and brushes a stray strand of hair from Henry’s face, finger lingering on smooth skin. Alex tugs Henry’s hips forward, bringing them impossibly closer, their foreheads touching, breathing the other’s scent.
They leave their clothes strewn all over the room, and just as they fall into bed, Alex whispers, “You’re so fucking beautiful, baby,” sending shivers down Henry’s spine, and staining his cheeks a pretty red.
As he climbs on top of Alex, Henry calls him gorgeous, and touches his body like it is something sacred, in all the right places, making Alex lose his damn mind. Because, how can Henry know exactly how Alex likes to be touched if they’ve never been together before? It’s like they were made for each other.
It doesn’t take long for Alex to come with Henry’s name fresh on his lips, after receiving the best blowjob of his existence. And when they change sides, he tells Henry that he has never done it before, but also that he never backs away from a challenge.
In minutes he feels his hair being tugged by Henry asking him to stop. “Alex, I’m going to come and I would really like you to fuck me before, if you’re amenable.”
Alex nods enthusiastically, ready to go in no time. Who would have thought that eloquence and propriety would be such a turn-on? He hasn’t had sex with a guy before either but he is here to learn, right?
Henry gets up to find his trousers and Alex whines at the loss of contact but he is back almost immediately with two packets of lube.
“Do you always take lube with you to parties?” asks Alex as he watches Henry open a packet.
“I like to be prepared. You never know when you’re going to meet a mouthy American and need him to ruin you for everyone else,” breathes Henry as Alex’s hands rove over his torso, opening up his legs, making space for Alex to settle between his thighs. He watches as Henry coats his fingers with lube and preps himself, moaning and arching his back.
This is the most erotic experience of Alex’s life.
“Can I help you, sweetheart?" Alex asks, and Henry nods. He pushes a lone finger into Henry’s warm heat, effectively reducing Henry into a pile of blabbering mush.
“Oh… That’s it. Alex, I need you… Please, love…” Henry manages through incoherent moaning and gasping. He is so beautiful like this, Alex thinks, hair disheveled, his pale skin blushing red, neck covered in bruises Alex dotted all over his skin, begging Alex to fuck him senseless. Alex grabs a condom off the nightstand, rolls it over his painfully hard dick, and then lubes it up.
Henry nods when Alex asks him if he is ready, and then moans as he pushes himself inside painstakingly slow, inch by inch.
The moment he enters Henry and bottoms out, it’s life-altering. Henry is perfect, and Alex is losing his mind, never wanting this moment to end. Nothing has ever felt like this.
They keep kissing, sometimes slowly and tenderly, others rushed and messy, and Alex thinks nothing can ever beat this feeling, but then Henry clenches around him and comes all over his stomach, proving Alex wrong when he lets out a breathy laugh.
The feeling consumes him, and Alex can’t hold it in anymore and reaches his own orgasm just seconds later.
His orgasm lasts ages; sex has never felt like this before.
He drops his head in the crook of Henry’s neck and blacks out for a moment. He comes back with the feeling of Henry’s fingertips running all over his back and biceps, his nails running down Alex’s skin softly, making him shiver.
Henry takes a deep breath and says, “That was amazing, love,” and Alex couldn’t agree more.
__________________
They had been making out languidly until they were both hard again. Alex slides into Henry once more, taking advantage of how wet and stretched he still is, and it feels just as amazing as the first time, if not more.
Alex comes down from the afterglow only to find that what comes after sex with Henry is also groundbreaking: because it’s not only the mind-blowing sex but also the banter, the chemistry, the way they make jokes and laugh, and how they talk about everything between kisses and warm cuddles.
Alex can hear Henry’s heart beating as he places his head on Henry’s chest and listens truly while Henry tells Alex about his dream of becoming an author, and the collection of poems he has been writing since he was a teenager.
“You have got to write one about me and call it, ‘What Happened in Alex’s Bed.’ Also, I need you to wax poetry about how gorgeous I am,” Alex jokes, making Henry laugh in the way Alex has grown addicted to. He thinks he has never heard anything more beautiful.
“You’re a menace.”
“But you like it, admit it,” Alex says, poking Henry’s side.
Henry wriggles his body, desperately trying to push Alex’s hands away while he giggles. “Stop, Alex! Stop! Alright, alright! I’ll admit it… I really, really do…”
Henry runs his long fingers through Alex’s scalp as they tell each other about their families. Alex tells Henry about his sister June and her girlfriend, Nora, who also happens to be his best friend; Henry tells Alex about how much he misses his family living in London, and shows him pictures of Archie, Henry’s two-year-old godson.
Their hands entwine, fingers dancing together, when Alex confesses how pressured he feels about always having to be better, never giving up, trying harder. Henry rubs circles into Alex’s back as he listens to Alex ranting about his classes, lacrosse practice, and the papers he has to submit. How sometimes he gets so hyper-focused he forgets to take a break.
“I know I’m too much, too intense,” Alex says, the crack in his voice evident. “Sometimes I have to show another version of me for people to like me, because it is never easy for me to keep people around; they always get tired of me eventually,” Alex mutters, trying to keep his voice steady. He feels like he is about to cry when Henry strokes his face gently with his thumb.
“For the record, I don’t think I could have enough of you… And I like you just the way you are… I couldn’t imagine how anyone wouldn’t…” he says softly.
As the dawn creeps in, Alex knows that the night is almost over. Because that’s what this is — just a one-night stand. They haven’t slept because they were busy fucking and talking and laughing, but Alex knows everything is minutes away from ending.
“I was wondering…” Henry says, taking Alex away from his inner thoughts. “My mate Pez and the Queer Union are hosting a party this Saturday, and I was wondering if you would like to come with me… as my date.”
Alex lifts his head from Henry’s chest and rolls over his belly to look Henry in the eyes. His expression is so open and shy at the same time. He is blushing, his pale skin a beautiful shade of pink, and his eyes shining with something Alex can’t decipher.
However, Alex knows himself, and it wouldn’t be right to give Henry false hope.
“Umm… I don’t know, Hen. Look, we had an amazing time, right?” Henry nods, without breaking eye contact. “But I don’t know what this is… And I have to be honest with you, I’m not sure I’m ready to start dating before I even know that about myself. I have just had sex with you, and it has opened my mind in many ways. But I’ve always liked girls, so I’m confused,” as Alex says this, he wonders if this is all coming out wrong. “I think I want to keep experimenting because I don’t even know how to identify myself, you know? Please don’t take this the wrong way; I’m not saying no forever, it’s just that…”
“I see…” Henry says, his expression falling. He is right beneath Alex, but he might as well be on another planet for how distant he suddenly is. “It’s alright, Alex. I wasn’t asking you to be my boyfriend or anything; I like you and what I know about you so far. I just wanted to know you better, that’s all. And, understandably, you don’t want the same,” Henry says, getting up from bed and putting on his boxers.
“Come on, Hen. You don’t have to go…” Alex says, suddenly missing the warm contact. “You can stay, and we can keep cuddling and then have breakfast together, if you want. Or maybe I can blow you again, just one for the road. What do you say?” Alex asks, opening the blanket and patting the mattress, inviting Henry back to bed.
“That’s not necessary. I have to go anyway; I have a meeting with my TA in a couple of hours,” he tells Alex and leaves the bedroom to gather his things. Alex jumps out of bed to put on his underwear and rushes to the living room, where Henry is putting on his sneakers.
“You’re not leaving without a proper goodbye kiss, are you?” Alex asks, walking towards Henry, standing inches apart from him, biting and licking his lips. Henry glances at him and leans in, closing the distance between them. Alex closes his eyes, expecting a kiss on the mouth, but Henry moves to the side and kisses his cheek.
“Goodbye, Alex. I hope you find whatever you’re looking for,” Henry says before closing the door behind him, leaving Alex rooted there, the kiss burning on his cheek and Henry’s scent still imprinted on his skin. Somehow, Alex feels like part of his soul walked out on him.
_________________
As someone who wants to explore his sexuality, Alex is adamant about experiencing everything. They call it a slut phase for a reason, after all.
He goes out and dances with curvy girls who run their hands over his biceps and press their lush breasts to his chest; he lets guys shove him into bathroom stalls and suck his dick until he can count the stars.
He opens up his teammate Liam in the shower after lacrosse practice and fucks him, pressing his face to the tiles, as he begs to be fucked harder, faster.
He studies with Amber in the library until she lifts an eyebrow suggestively, gesturing with her head for Alex to follow her to a secluded corner. He catches her by the waist and pushes her against the wall, her legs wrapped around his waist. She is already wet when he fingers her, and Alex clamps her mouth when she comes all over his fingers to muffle her loud moans.
Every single one of them was amazing, and Alex wouldn’t mind doing repeats with all of them. He has had meaningless sex with enough strangers and acquaintances and has slept around far too much to confirm that he is one hundred percent bisexual.
And yet, something is missing.
Alex has never felt more hollow than when he comes down from an orgasm, when the other person is trying to get out of his hair as soon as possible. When everything is rushed and momentary, when nothing lasts, not even the euphoric feeling after pleasure. When there is no banter or jokes after mind-blowing sex.
He thinks later that he knows what the pang in his chest is when he sees Henry walking out of the library with a pile of books, or talking to his best friend Pez, or writing alone under a tree in the park. He tries to put that feeling aside and tells himself he doesn’t really care about the way Henry’s eyes don’t meet Alex’s when they run into each other. Tells himself he’s overthinking when he thinks Henry’s smile directed at him is fake, because he knows what a genuine smile looks like on Henry.
He wants to get over that emotion, so he does what every other college student with high stamina and an eagerness to forget a fling would do: he gets under someone else.
But…
Jackson, the barista, doesn’t let out a breathy laugh when he comes after Alex sucks him off in the back of the coffee shop, and Marisol, his classmate from Torts, doesn’t press his dick the right way when she gives him a hand job.
The hazel eyes of the random guy he fucks at the frat party haven’t got the hint of green he is looking for, and the blond hair of the guy that gives him a blowjob in the alley outside the bar isn’t soft enough when Alex grabs it while fucking the stranger’s face.
And when he meets a British girl at trivia night and eats her out in her dorm, she doesn’t pronounce the vowels right every time she screams his name after coming twice.
None of them call him gorgeous, none of them tell him how much they like him, and none of them want to know Alex better.
And then Luis, the captain of the football team, whispers in his ear, ‘I’m going to fuck you so hard,’ while they are making out under the bleachers after a game, and Alex freezes. He doesn’t want to get fucked for the first time by this person who doesn’t truly care about him, who only sees Alex as a body, as someone to give him pleasure.
There is only one thing left for Alex to experience, and he doesn’t want to do it with any random guy. He pushes Luis away, leaving the field in a rush, and runs to his place, gets into bed, and cries until he falls asleep.
And that’s when it hits him.
There is something he had already found months ago, and never felt again, no matter how hot, experienced, and eager his hook-ups were; none of them could ever hold a candle to Henry and what he made Alex feel.
And it’s stupid how he feels like a virgin enamoured with the gentleman who defloured him. But it was Alex’s first experience with a guy, so it’s hard for him not to remember Henry, to want him again over and over on the days he opens his eyes and doesn’t find Henry looking at him, when everything he had experienced since hasn’t come close to that first time.
He has had his fill of sexual experimentation, so he decides it’s enough. He doesn’t need to hook up with anyone else, because no matter how much he has explored, Alex still can’t find whatever the fuck he is looking for.
The only thing he is missing is the one he let go. And he berates himself for not realising sooner that Henry could have given him the entire package: sex and intimacy, someone who cares about him, who listens without tiring of Alex’s long rants.
Someone who likes him just as he is.
He doesn’t need to know who he is because the only thing he wants to be is Henry’s.
And if Alex has to be really honest with himself, he is so in love with that man that he could die, so maybe it’s time for Henry to know it.
______________
It has been weeks since he understood just what exactly he feels for Henry, but, unfortunately, he hasn’t had the lovely chance to meet the bane of his existence and the object of all his desires yet. That’s not odd in the slightest, though; it’s mid-term and everyone is studying anyway.
He is dying to see Henry, to tell him he loves him, and to ask for a second chance. He knows Henry has every right to tell him to fuck off, but he has the feeling that he might not.
His plans include lots of kisses, cuddles, and entire days of intense body worship to make up for all the time wasted.
After a draining Constitutional Law lecture, Alex enters his favourite coffee shop one afternoon so tired he would kill for an Americano with cinnamon. While he waits for his order, he catches sight of a familiar blonde head out of the corner of his eye, and absolutely panics.
Henry is there, sitting alone at a table near the window. Even though Alex can’t see his face, he would recognize the hair and those broad shoulders anywhere.
When the barista hands him his order, he takes his sweet time before approaching Henry to look at him properly. There is a ray of light entering through the window, falling over Henry’s hair, making him look angelic, like a dream. Impossibly more beautiful than he already is.
Alex takes a deep breath and seizes the moment.
“Hen… Hi! Umh… How have you been?” Alex says, startling Henry, who straightens up, closing the book he had been reading.
Henry smiles at him. “Oh, Alex, hello. I’ve been alright, thanks for asking. How about yourself?” The smile, though undoubtedly genuine, carries the sharp edge of sadness around the corners.
“I’ve been… Do you mind if I sit?” Alex asks him, and before Henry can answer, he sits down in front of him. “I’ve been fine. Studying, surviving… You know, the usual college experience,” he jokes, and Henry’s smile starts to fade, never truly reaching his eyes.
“Yeah, so I’ve heard…” Henry mutters, and his phone buzzes. He picks it up to check his notifications and smiles. “I’m sorry, Alex, I have to go. It was nice to see you,” Henry says as he stands up.
“Yeah, same. See you around, Hen…” Alex says almost involuntarily, but he regrets it immediately.
It’s now or never; Alex has to tell him. He can’t let Henry walk away again.
“I can’t stop thinking about you,” Alex blurts out, and Henry stops in his tracks, turns around, furrowing his eyebrows, frozen in place.
Alex takes a couple of steps, standing in front of him. “I’m so sorry for taking so long to realise what was in front of me,” he begins, finding it difficult to put his feelings into words. “I can’t stop missing you every minute of every day; you are always on my mind. You are my first thought when I wake up and the last one before going to bed. Can I have another chance? To make things right? To become the man you deserve?”
“Alex, I…”
“I promise I will make up for all the mistakes I’ve made… I want you and you only. I promise I’ll spend forever…”
“Alex, stop, please… I can’t…”
“I know I fucked up; I shouldn’t have turned you down when you said you liked me and wanted to date me, but baby, I…”
“It’s too late, Alex. I’m sorry…” Henry says, raising his voice, and it’s Alex’s turn to look confused. “I’m seeing someone.”
And just like that, Alex feels his world crumble. He takes a step back, feeling like Henry has punched him in the middle of the chest. “Wh-what? Who?” is all Alex can conjure up, his mind already spiraling.
“His name is Aaron, and he is studying medicine at Columbia,” Henry speaks softly… almost fondly. “We met at the Queer Union party I invited you to.” Henry takes a deep breath and continues, “I was quite out of sorts after you turned me down, and Pez insisted that I go out and have a good time. And it turned out well, because I met him. We became friends and then, one thing led to another, and well… Here we are.”
“But… It’s been months, Henry!” Alex exclaims, trying to stay calm but about to lose his mind. “Wow, I didn’t know… I… Are you happy?”
Henry smiles shyly, and Alex wants to kiss him so badly. “Yes… Very…”
Alex is about to say something else, to scream, to cry, to pull his hair out, but then something behind Alex steals Henry’s focus, and Alex can see how Henry’s face lights up.
“Hi, babe… Ready to go?” says the guy, Aaron, Alex assumes, when he sees Henry. He grabs Henry by the waist, pulling him closer, and kisses him. “God, I missed your beautiful face,” he tells Henry, making him blush. Then Aaron turns around, his entire attention on Alex, stretching his hand to greet him. “Hello, I’m Aaron, Henry’s boyfriend. And you?”
I’m the stupid asshole who let your boyfriend get away , Alex thinks, but actually says, “I’m Alex, nice to meet you,” as he shakes Aaron’s hand. Then, taking a deep breath, he understands it is time to go. “I’ll leave you guys to it. Nice to see you, Henry. And nice to meet you, Aaron.”
And well… Alex can’t deny the guy is hot. Taller than Henry, with blue eyes, light brown hair, and a stubble beard. He makes Henry happy; he thinks Henry is beautiful.
And he is right. Henry is the most beautiful person Alex has ever met. He deserves to be happy.
But it still hurts, because Alex loves him, and now he has all this love inside of him, and no one to give it to.
______________
Alex tries to move on. “If Henry could, why can’t I?” he tells himself so many times a day, it’s almost like a mantra.
But it doesn’t happen because suddenly, Henry seems to be everywhere all at once, and it only makes it more difficult for Alex to get over him.
Sometimes he spots Henry alone, though more often with Aaron. He still sees Henry walking out of the library, but it’s Aaron who carries his books now, or Henry and Pez laughing loudly at something Aaron is saying, or Henry sitting under the tree but with his head on Aaron’s legs, reading as his boyfriend combs his soft blonde hair with his fingers.
The worst part is that Henry’s genuine smile is always there, but it's not directed at Alex anymore.
Alex goes to practice, and Liam offers to suck all the frustration and pent-up energy out through his dick. But when he agrees, he can’t help thinking that someone else is doing the same to Henry, touching him, kissing him, marking his body, making him moan, being on the receiving end of Henry’s words. Oh, God, being the person who makes Henry laugh when he comes.
And suddenly, Alex is crying. God, he is pathetic. Liam stops his ministrations and holds him, listening as Alex tells him how much he loves the boy who got away. Liam tries to comfort him, telling him everything will be alright, and that things might look awful now, but no one knows what will happen five years into the future, that maybe he will get over the boy he loves someday.
But Alex knows it can’t be true, because, even though it was Henry who asked Alex to ruin him that night, months ago now, they spent together in each other’s arms, it was ultimately Alex who was ruined for anyone else.
______________
Alex is wasted.
This frat party is too crowded, the music too loud, and the people too touchy. He has lost count of how many red solo cups he has filled and emptied when he catches sight of a swish of blond hair in his periphery.
He walks towards Henry, or maybe it’s just another blonde, stumbling and pushing people out of his way, not paying attention to the people touching him and trying to get his attention. He is focused on getting to Henry; he craves Henry’s attention, whatever little piece of it Henry is willing to give him.
“Heeeeeenry… Long time no seeee,” Alex says when he faces Henry, trying to balance the solo cup full to the brim with who knows what. Henry furrows his eyebrows when he sees him, and Alex hates the expression on Henry’s beautiful face. He wants to kiss the cute wrinkle that appears whenever Henry looks at him like this.
“Hello, Alex, how are you?”
“I’ve been better,” Alex says, stretching the vowels. Henry’s scent is so strong, and it filters into Alex’s brain and soul; his heart is about to combust just by having Henry so close. “I missed you…”
“Oh…” Henry looks at him, his eyes scanning Alex’s face. The weight of Henry’s gaze grounds Alex like an anchor; Henry’s hazel eyes are the most beautiful Alex has ever seen. “Well, thank you… Your eyes are beautiful too,” Henry says, as Alex apparently has lost his mouth-to-brain filter.
“Oh, no… If you can hear my thoughts, you will know… Please, don’t. You can’t know how I feel about you,” Alex says, inches away from Henry’s lips, pressing his torso against Henry. “You can’t know how much I want to kiss your stupid lips, you’re so beautiful…” he adds, stroking Henry’s cheek, his hair, his face, and anything he can get his drunk hands on.
“Alex, I think you’ve had enough to drink for one night. Let me get you some water…” Henry tells him, trying to step back.
“No, don’t go; I don’t need water, I just need you. And you don’t want me anymore…” Alex sobs, leaning into Henry, burying his face into Henry’s neck. “Why don’t you want me?”
“Alex, please don’t do this…”
“No! I need to know why , Henry! You told me you liked me, you wanted to date me, and now you’re over me, you don’t want me anymore! And I want you to want me, please… why can’t you want me again, baby?”
“Alex, let’s get you home…” Henry tells him firmly.
And that’s the last thing Alex remembers before his memory blacks out.
In the morning, when Alex wakes up with a throbbing headache and a dry mouth, he doesn’t remember how he’s home or why he feels like this. He looks around for his phone only to find a glass of water, two Advil, and a note on the nightstand.
Alex,
Pez and I brought you home. This is my number; when you are up to it, text me and let me know you’re alive. Please.
Henry: 718-908-4148
He drops into bed again and decides to text Henry after taking a shower and making himself coffee. He wants to die, not only because he already feels like death warmed over but also because he must have made a total fool of himself.
Henry ❤️
hi hen this is alex
thanx for bringing me home last night
sorry for ruining your night.
Alex, I’m glad to see you’re alive.
Nothing to be sorry about or thank me for.
Alex could have ended the conversation there, but he has never been good at leaving anything well enough alone.
listen hen
i know i fucked up
but can we please talk?
please
Alex can see Henry typing and deleting, bubbles appearing and disappearing on the screen. Minutes go by, then hours. Well, silence is an answer in itself, isn’t it? Alex has lost hope when, before going to bed, his phone chimes.
You can drop by tomorrow around 6.00 PM if you’re amenable.
I’ll send you the location.
ill be there.
______________
“I’m sorry for whatever I said last night,” is the first thing Alex says when he and Henry sit on the couch, next to each other, Alex with coffee, Henry with tea. “I was really wasted, not thinking clearly at all.”
“It’s okay… But I asked you to come to tell you something… Last night, you asked me why I couldn’t want you again, and I want to tell you why I can’t let myself have that luxury.”
“You don’t have to…” Alex says, trying to avoid the pain of seeing Henry’s eyes getting glassy because of the tears he is holding back.
“I want to… Please just listen to me; I need to get this out of my system,” Henry takes a deep breath. “I can’t want you again because the first time I dared to want you, I had you and it almost broke me,” he says, and Alex gasps. “I gave myself to you entirely, Alex. I offered you my body, my affection, my heart, and my soul on a silver platter. You had me at the tip of your fingers, in the palm of your hands, for you to do whatever you wanted with me, and you chose not to do anything, to toss me aside, instead of giving us a chance…”
Alex can feel tears starting to roll down his face, and he has to suppress a sob. How could he hurt this beautiful man so much? How could he reject the treasure Henry was offering him?
“Do you know how long I’ve been in love with you?” Henry adds, and Alex shakes his head; “Years, Alex. Ever since the first time I saw you on the lacrosse field, on my first week here. I would watch you on campus, being the centre of every conversation, of every group of people, so full of light, and fantasize about talking to you, getting to know you better, your soul, your thoughts. I used to think, ‘This is the most magnificent thing I’ve ever seen.’ But I always saw you with girls, so I never thought I could stand a chance. I daydreamed about being with you, being the object of your attention…”
Alex sighs. “I used to watch you, too… I didn’t know how to approach you, but I wanted to talk to you so badly, Hen…”
“And then you did… You talked to me, and we danced, and you kissed me… And it was real now, not a fantasy anymore. So I thought, ‘Maybe if I keep dreaming about him, it will eventually come true,’ so I dared to ask you out. And you’ve got no idea how hard it was for me to be brave and put myself out there for you, the man of my dreams, my love, only to be rejected…I fell for you so hard, but you weren’t there to catch me.” Now there are also tears on Henry’s face.
“I’m so sorry, Hen…” Alex says, as tears keep falling.
“Then Aaron came into my life, and we became friends. He cared about me, and waited, and never pressured me when I told him I wasn’t ready because I had just had my heart broken,” Henry says, half smiling. “And I kept listening in the hallways, the classrooms, and the coffee shop, everywhere I went, how Alex Claremont-Diaz was fucking around, and that everyone who wanted could have him because he was such a generous lover. And it hurt me. But I had no right over you. It hurt that you kept giving strangers what I had dreamed of having for so long. It hurt that the night we spent together was the best night of my life, and now other people were having all your nights… That I was just an experiment, the first one of a long list, nothing special.”
“Don’t say that, please… You have to know it wasn’t like that. Yes, I have now slept around enough to know that I’m bisexual. But it was never like what I had with you, please believe me… It was just sex, there was no connection…”
“Probably, but it doesn’t matter anymore, does it? And thank you for telling me; I’m glad you found yourself…” Henry pauses and takes a sip of tea. “So when Aaron asked me out again, I thought, ‘Why not?’. And when we started dating, I understood that what you and I had was just a fantasy, a moment. And it was time to move on and start living the reality…”
“Please, Henry…It wasn’t just a fantasy for me. It wasn’t just a moment; it was everything . I’m sorry for hurting you, for not choosing you… I wish I had… If there is a regret I have, it is that… Letting you go was the biggest mistake of my life,” Alex says, cradling Henry’s face with his hands.
“I will never forget the night we shared, Alex… It will be imprinted on me for as long as I live. But I have to let you go… As it was your right to choose what you wanted back then, it is also my right to walk away from you now. I want to give my relationship a chance because I really like him. I’m sorry…”
Alex is silent for a moment. Processing their whole conversation. He finally sits up and squares his shoulders. “Don’t you dare apologize for choosing yourself. I want you to be happy, Henry, even if it’s not with me. Even if I have to witness how you thrive with someone else beside you, someone who is not me. I love you.” his voice gets quieter but no less firm towards the end.
He is holding Henry’s hands and kissing his knuckles. And here he is, Alex Claremont-Diaz, confessing his love, knowing it’s one-sided because there is no way Henry could ever reciprocate.
“I love you, too,” Henry says, interrupting his inner turmoil. Alex's head shoots up. He had dreamed about those words coming from Henry, directed at him, and it hurts that the moment he hears them is when they are saying goodbye.
That night, when Alex walks back to his place, he knows there is no way he will ever get over Henry Fox, and he will spend the rest of his life loving him, waiting for the moment he can have another chance.
He just has to be patient.
________________________
Time goes by, and the feeling doesn’t disappear. It’s still alive and changes; it grows and takes another shape.
That love becomes pride when Henry graduates the following year, and Henry’s family flies from London to be with him. Aaron and Pez sit with them, and they all cheer when Henry graduates as valedictorian and summa cum laude. Alex turns to leave when Henry runs towards Aaron and jumps into his arms, kissing him. He watches from the crowd, and for a moment, he could swear Henry looks right into his eyes.
That love becomes admiration when he learns Henry has published his first anthology of queer poetry. On page 14, there is this poem, ‘Your room, 4.30 am’ in which Henry writes ‘your curls are the soft material of my dreams’ and that ‘entire galaxies and universes are living inside your dimple, inviting me, bewitching me. Telling me it’s possible to live, to love like this,’ and Alex has to smile because he knows it is about him.
That love becomes pain when he sees that Henry and Aaron are still together on Instagram, two years after graduation. They share pictures of their holidays in London, visiting Henry’s family; in Barcelona, dancing together in a club; and in Greece, kissing on the shore.
That love becomes unbearable when Aaron proposes, and Henry says yes. There is a picture of Henry smiling widely, his beautiful hand next to his face, showing a golden ring with a diamond on his finger, and Aaron kissing his cheek. The caption reads: ‘I said yes!’
Alex unfollows Henry after that. He wants Henry to be happy, but he doesn’t want to witness how the love of his life marries another man.
Alex has evolved, too; he has tried to move on, going on dates arranged by June or Nora, who are both tired of seeing him alone. The thrill doesn’t last long until everything fades, so he stops trying to replicate, to find what Henry made him feel once in another person.
He graduated and passed the bar and is now working on human rights, focusing on the Queer community’s rights.
He is surprised when, out of nowhere, his former teammate Liam invites him to his wedding, including an email address so Alex can submit his CV. Apparently, Liam’s fiancée and his best friend run a queer youth shelter, and they are looking for a lawyer who can run the shelter’s legal department.
And now, two years after the last time he had news about Henry, and five years after the night they’d spent together, that love changes again.
It becomes hope, confusion, and surprise when he sees Henry standing next to the groom at the altar. When Henry looks at him and lifts his eyebrows in surprise, a gummy smile appears on his face, and Alex thinks, ‘There it is. That’s my smile. It’s finally back.’
They find each other at the reception, and when Alex notices Henry is not wearing an engagement ring, he asks for Aaron. Henry tells him they broke up a year ago, when Aaron’s shifts at the hospital took a toll on their relationship, and they decided to end things amicably before they started hating each other.
They talk all night as, mysteriously, Henry’s seat is next to Alex instead of with his family. Alex gets to meet Henry’s siblings, Bea and Pip, and dances with Martha, Henry’s sister-in-law, for two songs before Henry takes her place.
He gathers the courage to ask Henry out again, five years later. “I owe you a first date,” he tells Henry, who looks down.
“I don’t know, Alex…” Henry says, and Alex’s hope plummets. Before he starts spiraling about how Henry has every right to reject him after what happened between them, he adds, “We already had dinner, you’ve met my family, I took you dancing. I think this counts as more than a first date, don’t you think?”
Alex laughs and shakes his head. “This definitely counts as at least a fifth or seventh date,” Alex says as they swing to the rhythm of the band playing “Your Song.” Alex places his arms around Henry’s waist, pulling him closer, until their chests collide. “And what would a sweet, innocent guy like you do on a seventh date, pray tell?”
Henry smiles mischievously, tapping his chin with his index finger, thinking. “I would ask you to come home with me, if you’re amenable,” Henry tells him, and Alex’s breath hitches. “But… as I’m far from home, I would have to invite you to my very comfortable suite upstairs with a king-size bed. Is that alright?” Henry asks, and Alex nods. He leans his forehead against Henry’s, and they both close their eyes, breathing each other in, as they dance.
Later, when they are in Henry’s hotel room, Alex is the person kissing, touching, and making Henry moan and shiver when he calls him ‘baby’. Alex’s fantasy finally becomes a reality when the last thing left to experience is better than what he ever imagined, and he can give himself entirely to the love of his life.
He knows that this is what love feels like. Overwhelming, all-encompassing.
There are lots of cuddles and kisses, and they don’t leave the bed for an entire day, catching up on their lives and the body worship. Making up for the wasted time is exactly how Alex thought it would be.
And when they leave the hotel, back into reality, they travel to the city together, and walk holding hands to Henry’s brownstone, where he lives with a cute beagle with the worst dog name Alex has ever heard.
Henry hugs him from behind, his chin resting over Alex’s shoulder as he cooks pasta for them, barefoot in the kitchen, and whispers in Alex’s ear, “I wish you would never leave.”
And Alex knows that love has changed again.
That love has become forever .