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“I wish…” Kurt began, his voice breaking the calm silence. It was night. He and Blaine were cuddled in their bed together, trying to fall asleep after a rather emotionally exhausting day.
“Hmm?”
“I wish I had known you in high school.”
“Huh.” Kurt felt Blaine shift in his arms, turning his body so they faced each other. Blaine’s nose and face were scrunched up as if he’d smelled something terrible. “What’s appealing about high school? Is it just the perk of knowing more than three other kids who weren’t straight?”
“That’s definitely part of it. But if we had known each other back then, I wouldn’t have felt like such a freak about sex. And you wouldn’t have dated Sebastian.” He paused. “And we’d totally be married right now, living in a beautiful apartment that had air conditioning with our three pet fish.”
Blaine giggled, “I always assumed you were joking about your dreams of being married before twenty-two.”
“Don’t underestimate my dreams of fairy tale romance, Blaine. I named the fish.”
As he loosened his hold around Blaine’s torso, Kurt sighed and clenched his eyes tightly. “I know it’s silly, but sometimes when I look at you I can’t get over how right this is. How easy it feels to be with you. And it makes the past hurt less, but it makes me wish even more that all of that had been avoided, you know?”
Several moments passed with Kurt’s confession lingering in the air. Logically he knew that meeting Blaine in high school wouldn’t have fixed everything that had gone wrong during his years at McKinley. His father would have still had a heart attack. Blaine still would have been attacked at Sadies. There would have still been ignorance that needed to be fought, within themselves and around them. But to have a lifeline through all of that, to know he wasn’t alone in the thoughts and feelings that sometimes threatened to overwhelm him, would have made such a positive difference.
He also was acutely aware of how much he had changed since high school. Part of him would have been embarrassed if who he was as a high school student had met who Blaine was in this moment, but he also knew that high school Blaine would be a completely different person as well. And yet, he couldn’t stop wishing for something impossible.
“Look at me?” Blaine asked. Kurt reopened his eyes.
“I wish I’d known you in high school as well. You’re right about how much easier it would have been. I’d never say I’m happy about the stuff we both were dealt… but without all of that we couldn’t have gotten here.” Blaine’s hand wandered into Kurt’s as he spoke. “When I think about Sebastian, some days I get really angry at myself for letting anything about that relationship happen. I think about how wonderful it would have been to meet someone like you instead, someone who wouldn’t pressure me and make me feel so wrong. But without him, I wouldn’t have been forced to accept my orientation.”
Blaine lightly twisted Kurt’s black ring. “I wouldn’t have started attending Ace of Spades. I wouldn’t have seen <i>In the Heights</i> that night and wouldn’t have met you during intermission.
“It’s like every awful moment was leading to you, Kurt.”
Kurt leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss against Blaine’s lips before whispering, “that’s the most disgustingly sweet thing you’ve told me.”
“It’s true, though.”
“I know. That’s why I keep you.”
“For my romantic honesty?”
“No. For the way you make the last ten years feel like it’s been worth it.”
Blaine grinned. “I’d actually been banking on my looks.”
Laughing, Kurt put his arms around his boyfriend again. “That too.” They fell silent once more, listening to the buzz of the fan, the tick of the clock on the wall, and the soft exhales of each other’s breaths. Things weren’t perfect and it’d been an awful day, but Kurt held his boyfriend and knew he was safe.