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It shouldn’t be possible for humans to yearn for what they cannot have.
If one hungered, they could eat. If one was thirsty, they could drink.
But Ciel’s yearning was for something he’d never had, something humans weren’t capable of. He wished, against his will and senses, and quite shamefully so, to feel like he wasn’t alone. Oh, humans could keep each other company, could touch in so many ways, but it wasn’t enough, it wasn’t special, there wasn’t anything left to feel that was new, no way he could be touched that hadn’t been poisoned and ruined.
Another nightmare had reminded him sharply of that.
He curled in on himself in his bed, trembling and wiping away tears onto his sleeve. He needed something deeper than touch, someone who could understand like no one else, feel him somewhere no one else ever had.
His despair was soul-deep.
Perhaps his desire was a holdover from when he’d had an identical twin. Had he taken his older brother for granted? Not everyone had a mirror self, and he was sure of any other identical twins in the world, he’d been lucky to have an older twin who’d loved him so, who was attached to him the way he was.
Ciel’s stomach twisted with guilt. He hadn’t understood him then, why his older twin had wanted them to never be apart.
Come morning, Ciel would try and forget his moments of weakness, putting his armor in the form of disdain for the world back on. He hated feeling so vulnerable and in need of comfort. He never forgot that he was sleeping in his parents’ bed, and it was with embarrassment that he found any solace at all in burrowing into the huge comforter.
Still, it wasn’t nearly enough.
Ciel’s shoulders shook as he cried, trying to muffle the sounds and force himself to stop. He hadn’t screamed this time, which was an improvement, but the severity of the heavy melancholy which had taken him after the fright wore off didn’t make it feel like a victory.
Even though he hadn’t shouted, his anguish still summoned Sebastian.
“Young master?” Sebastian carefully opened the door, candelabra in hand. Ciel hid his face away, but Sebastian knew he was awake. “I’m here. It’s alright.” Sebastian approached the bed as usual, waiting for Ciel to request whatever he needed. He anticipated that his lord would request warm milk or Sebastian’s presence as he fell asleep.
Ciel raised his head, eyes averted as he sniffled. “I…” he trailed off, a question caught in his throat.
“Yes, my lord?”
“I want to ask something.”
Sebastian set the light on the bedside table and knelt, eyes locked onto Ciel with concern. “Anything.”
Ciel sat up, still feeling small, as if the years passing since his tenth birthday hadn’t made any difference. He fidgeted with his hands in his lap, eyes still downcast. “Are humans always so lonely?” he whispered. “I don’t mean that I want to go to parties or anything—”
“—heaven forbid,” joked Sebastian. Ciel almost smiled at that.
“—but that even when I hug Lizzy, or all of those boys at Weston adored me for winning the cricket tournament, or when I clung to Finny for dear life when I was delirious and blind, I still feel distant.” Ciel wondered if nothing he was saying made any sense. “I’ll be as close to people as I can be, with a single person or a group, but even if we touch I’m so alone, Sebastian. I know there’s more physical ways for people to be close, but having had that… that isn’t it, either. Even if I’d wanted it.”
Ciel wouldn’t be surprised if sex was supposed to be the answer to his problem, but he was disillusioned at best, repulsed at worst by it.
“I think your case is uniquely difficult, my lord.” Sebastian’s tone was gentle. “Everyone feels lonely at some point, it seems, but you live on eggshells, with a name that wasn’t always yours. Your isolation has many sources, on top of the grief of losing your family.”
They didn’t usually talk when Ciel had nightmares. He hugged his knees to his chest, unsure if it was helping or not. Sebastian already knew most of what there was to know about him, and certainly more than anyone else in the world. There was little to lose by trying to talk himself out of the crushing sadness that sought to take him into a sleep he’d never wake from.
“I’m scared that it will never get better,” he mumbled. “I’m scared that we’re all islands, but that I’m drowning and eroding away while everyone else manages to live with how things are. People touch, but… nevermind. It’s stupid.”
Sebastian listened intently. He rose, only to sit next to Ciel, careful to not touch him against his wishes. Ciel had no idea what of this conversation could be interesting enough for Sebastian to want to continue it, but Sebastian did. “It sounds to me like you wish you could be so close to someone you were combined, as if you’d finally feel connected if you weren’t stopped by the barriers of flesh and consciousness."
Ciel blinked.
For a spur of the moment conversation, Sebastian had managed to hit exactly what Ciel meant.
“It’s foolish to even speculate on. Forget it.”
“Now now, there’s something to it,” pressed Sebastian. Ciel listened, distracted and surprised that Sebastian wasn’t opposed to talking philosophy late at night. “Have you heard of the Greek myth that humans originally had two heads, and were essentially two people as one, but that Zeus was afraid of their power and split them apart, so now humans only have one head and spend their lives searching for their other half? That longing you feel is as old as humanity itself, my lord.”
It made sense, but it was also disappointing. “Hm.” Ciel sighed. “But even marriage cannot replicate being one like that. Nothing can. It does sound as though this affliction can never be assuaged.” He shook his head to himself. “I must sound astonishingly sentimental. I blame being an identical twin. I had the closest thing to a connection like that, and he’s long gone.”
Ciel never spoke of his brother to Sebastian either, but it was all he could do to try and make Sebastian, the only one who knew the truth, try to understand him.
Even then, he was trying to bridge an infinite gap, reaching out into the fog as if he could experience anything but the greyness of his own heart.
“I never thought a human would be able to understand.”
Ciel had opened his mouth to dismiss Sebastian, but he took a moment to process Sebastian’s statement. “What?”
Sebastian turned to face him, his expression something Ciel didn’t know what to make of. While he’d bound his butler to always tell the truth, there was an urgent honesty in his words that disarmed Ciel. “I know what you yearn for, master. It’s what my kind wants as well. However, since my biology is not bound by the rules yours is… it’s possible to have such a thing.”
Ciel swallowed, curiosity outweighing his unease. “How?”
“Being inside of each other,” stated Sebastian. “That’s the best way to describe it.”
“Like sex?” Ciel made a face.
Sebastian smiled, fangs showing out for a moment. “Sex is nothing compared to it, my lord. Boring, in fact. No, this would be a way to occupy the same space at once, to meld together so we can feel each other, not just our bodies.”
Ciel realized he was being given an invitation to participate in something otherworldly and frightfully intimate, and with a demon at that. He should say no, or at least wait until he wasn’t so fragile with tearstains still on his face, but the hope that piqued his interest emboldened him. “Does it hurt?”
“It’s unnerving, but you won’t be harmed.”
Not the best response, but it was something.
Ciel narrowed his eyes. “And this isn’t your way of getting a bite of me early, is it?”
Sebastian chuckled. “No, more like a long taste before spitting you back out, intact and whole.” He seemed excited despite his effort to be composed. Ciel had never caught Sebastian looking so openly invigorated. “You’ll feel me just as much, young master. If anything would send you scurrying from this, it would be that.”
Yet again, his curiosity won out. Ciel wanted it so badly, to lay his soul out and all of his burdens with it, even if coming together meant fear or pain. If he was frightened out of his mind, at least he wouldn’t be alone.
That was all he wanted. To not be alone. He could let Sebastian in, let him understand him while he was still living, while he needed this.
“Okay.” Ciel tried to sound brave. “How?”
Sebastian began unbuttoning his waistcoat and shirt. He must’ve sensed Ciel’s disappointment. “There is a physical component, but I assure you it’s different than with humans.”
He laid back on the bed next to Ciel, shirt open to reveal his chest. Ciel crawled over, kneeling next to him, unsure of what Sebastian was thinking. Sebastian took Ciel’s hand in his, giving him a reassuring squeeze. “This is going to look horrendous to you, but I promise it doesn’t hurt me,” said Sebastian. He smirked. “Don’t wake the house, alright?”
Ciel nodded mutely.
Sebastian guided Ciel’s palm to his stomach. “You know I can change form, but I’m even more flexible than that, young master. You could say I’m more… porous than you.”
As he spoke, a slit opened in his skin underneath Ciel’s hand, as if an invisible scalpel had neatly made over a foot long incision, yet there was no blood.
It was too late to wonder if this was going to give him new nightmares.
Ciel stared, at a loss as Sebastian insistently kept his hold on Ciel’s wrist. Sebastian breathed a little harder, eyes flickering red. “Touch me.” His tone took on a quiet note of desperation Ciel had never heard before from Sebastian, shocking even though it was subtle.
Did Sebastian need this as much as Ciel did? How many lifetimes had he been waiting?
He carefully pressed down, easing his fingertips under Sebastian’s skin, mouth open with wonder as he was met with a fleshy texture, cooler to his hand than he was expecting. Ciel’s ears rang. “Like this?” he asked, feeling as though there was absolutely no way this was comfortable for Sebastian.
Sebastian sighed, arching his back as his flesh swallowed up more of Ciel to encourage Ciel, now wrist-deep, to give him more. “Master, please. More of you fits than it seems. I don’t obey the laws of this world, remember?”
“Augh- you like this?” Ciel leaned forward and put weight on his arm, watching with fascination as Sebastian’s form took him nearly to his elbow before he didn’t seem to be able to sink in further. Whatever was going on inside of Sebastian, he seemed able to twist his hand around and feel tissue, muscle, and bone shift around to let him.
“Magnificent,” breathed Sebastian, eyes glazed over. “You’ll understand once I touch you back. Don’t panic.”
Ciel panicked. “You’re already touching me!”
“Not truly.” Sebastian reached his hand up to stroke Ciel’s cheek. “Relax.”
Ciel would have to talk to him about his communication skills, because nothing could have prepared him for watching a rush of liquid darkness spill out of the hole in Sebastian’s chest and coat his arm, steadily encasing Ciel in it. “N- no! Stop it!” He couldn’t pull his arm back out, to his horror, no matter how much he struggled. Sebastian was unconcerned.
“Trust me, my lord. You’re safe.”
The darkness racing across his skin left behind some sort of residue, like lotion that needed to soak into him. Ciel trembled, revolted and in too much shock to move, as what seemed to be Sebastian’s essence moved like a wave, dipping under his clothes as if they were no barrier and coating every part of him from the neck down, vanishing when it reached his toes. “Sebastian, I-”
Ciel’s mouth fell open and he whimpered. Whatever it was that was worked into his skin made him shiver with delight, pleasant chills racing down his spine. Every nerve in his body wanted more.
“You’re more difficult to get inside of,” mumbled Sebastian. Since when did Sebastian mumble? “You have to absorb me in other ways, but I’m sure you’ll enjoy them. It’s already working, I see.”
Sebastian hadn’t spoken aloud. Ciel’s eyes widened when he realized Sebastian’s words had been inside of his head and he’d only assumed they were spoken, mumbled because Sebastian’s mouth hadn’t moved.
Ciel was lightheaded, as if he’d reached an orgasm despite clearly not having physically done so. More of Sebastian’s demonic form oozed and made its way out from around Ciel’s elbow, but he was more thrilled with anticipation than fear now that he knew how deliriously good it felt for it to meld with him.
Sebastian’s red, slitted eyes locked onto him, still hooded and blissful. His hand caressed Ciel’s cheek, not needing words as his thumb pressed down on Ciel’s bottom lip, holding his mouth open. Ciel had no thought of resisting the mass of what he wasn’t sure could be called energy or flesh that wound up his neck, the darkness seeping into his mouth and down his throat easily.
Rather than hearing words, Ciel could sense that Sebastian was pleased. He could barely keep himself upright, wondering if this was anything like the opium Lau pedaled, or what it was truly like to be drunk, but as soon as those musings crossed his mind, Sebastian insisted it was much, much better than that.
Of course Sebastian would be full of himself at a time like this. And why shouldn’t he? Sebastian knew exactly how Ciel physically felt, and he wasn’t done with him yet. The fluid, pulsating darkness settled deep in Ciel’s stomach, but even more was pouring out of Sebastian. It filled and covered not only his mouth, no matter how much Ciel swallowed, but spread upwards to engulf his nose and fill his sinuses like water.
But instead of drowning, Ciel breathed. There ought to have been a step where he thrashed or struggled, but he already knew he could breathe through it, as if he had something deeper than instinct to guide him.
He had Sebastian.
Sebastian, whose essence drenched him, inside and out, working into the blood in his veins and the air in his lungs. It seemed as if Sebastian hadn’t had much trouble at all getting inside of him, and it was Ciel who was only reaching into Sebastian’s chest, feeling as though his touch was too shallow.
With mutual agreement, and unsure of who was really controlling Ciel’s limbs, he kept his arm inside of Sebastian and laid down, head against Sebastian’s shoulder. At every other point their bodies pressed into each other, such as Ciel’s hand on Sebastian’s forearm, or his knees against Sebastian’s thighs, Sebastian opened himself again, letting Ciel slip inside of him with the ease of pushing through a membrane. Ciel flexed his fingers slightly underneath Sebastian’s skin, pressing deeper into the pliant flesh that welcomed him so easily. The motion sent a wave of pleasure through both of them, proof of the ever increasing fusion between them.
Sebastian had no heartbeat of his own. If Ciel concentrated, it seemed as though Sebastian’s existence was more of a consistent, low hum. It resided in Ciel’s body the way vibrations in the air during a symphony did, Sebastian’s self a drawn out note he could not only hear but feel.
Yet, they both shared a heartbeat. Ciel’s heartbeat.
His own existence echoed in Sebastian’s body, filling him with a tempo he’d never had of his own. Sebastian even mimicked the rhythm of Ciel’s breathing, the two melding into one body. Sebastian’s shadows had long torn open the dress slacks he’d worn to bed to allow for as much contact with Ciel as possible. He let Ciel’s toes dip into his calves and went so far as to reseal some of his skin over where Ciel’s knees were pressed into him. It went without thought that Sebastian was holding Ciel with his free arm, his cheek resting against the top of Ciel’s head, every bit of them wound and woven together.
Though Sebastian had been truthful about it being more intense than sex, yet not sexual to him, he should have realized that Ciel’s body would react in every way it could to cope with the onslaught of warmth and euphoria lighting his nerves. With Ciel’s nightshirt hiked up out of the way, he let Ciel's arousal press into a newly made slit in his lower abdomen, encasing him perfectly, pleased to share in the immediate relief Ciel’s subconscious climax brought.
It still wasn’t what Sebastian was waiting for.
Ciel’s mind drifted in a daze, aware of both of their bodies in a way he couldn’t explain or fully comprehend. He closed his eyes, feeling as though he needed to let go of his attempts to make sense of anything and just let himself be. Sebastian agreed, spreading more of himself to cover Ciel’s ears, blocking out everything but the sound of their heartbeat.
He’d never lucid dreamed, to his knowledge, but Ciel felt more awake the closer he ventured to sleep. Slowly, even the awareness of their physical forms ceased, and he felt drawn to Sebastian’s core, as though they were magnets trying to latch together.
Memories that weren’t his flooded his mind.
Ciel couldn’t make sense of anything, but he could feel, taste, see, and hear snippets of events from other lifetimes, reaching far into the past. It was impossible to tell who or what he was in those flashes of other lives, but Sebastian never kept the same form or name, so the disorientation was only amplified.
To Ciel’s surprise, there was consistency to his demon’s being:
Hunger.
Ravenous, consuming hunger.
That he’d known, but there was something even keener than the gnawing of his stomach, craving something more than even a soul to be savored.
Listlessness.
Centuries of dissatisfaction with his own existence stretched before Ciel, where no feast or individual soul could satisfy an ache within him. He was terribly bored and the world tasted like ash on his tongue, every generation’s amusements barely able to draw his eyes. Humans were the most interesting part of the world by far, yet they were but passing annoyances. It was better to starve than to eat what he didn’t care for, better to find something to fill his time than to pass decades in some pleasure den. Even his own kind didn’t understand, because to them blood was still a gorgeous red, and every soul was fulfilling.
The ache Ciel knew was one Sebastian had carried for centuries, the need for something more than the shallow touch, the pointless taste.
Ciel ought to be horrified, but he was flattered by the hope Sebastian had for him from the first day they’d met. He saw himself from outside of the cage, how small and frail he was, dirty and heartbroken beyond what any human could endure, faith shattered on the bloodstained cement he knelt on.
Yet, Ciel shone with a ferocity which was unexpected from any human, let alone one so small and tormented. He never shied from the darkness, pursuing it and adding more bloodied footsteps in his wake. Ciel was enticing, attractive to every facet of Sebastian’s being, the pull between them morphing into both genuine fondness and lethal desire.
Sebastian had always been a source of both ultimate danger and protection to Ciel. He was a bastion of comfort with every embrace, yet the bloodshed he so beastily wrought kept Ciel safe but tossing and turning at night. The walking contradiction he lived with was his eternal ace up his sleeve, yet prior to the night before, one held at a distance.
No more.
Ciel became his own consciousness again for a few moments, pushing further into the reaches of Sebastian’s mind. Underneath the hunger, the emptiness, the despair, there was something more for him to touch, a final piece to take in his hands, something precious and fragile meant for him.
Fear.
The hint of desperation when Sebastian said touch me, the disbelieving but eager hope he had when explaining how both of them could know each other like they separately craved, it all revealed an anxiety buried so deeply Ciel was sure Sebastian would deny it in his waking hours.
Sebastian had opened himself, literally, to Ciel while fearing something so human as rejection.
Rejection would be condemnation to further loneliness, to centuries more before he had someone even close to Ciel, to more years to trudge through without a way to end them.
They didn’t need words to communicate, but Ciel needed the words for himself, to make them both understand.
You know I don’t think people can save each other, least of all myself saving anyone else. But I accept you, Sebastian. All of you.
Even as he voiced his unconditional acceptance for Sebastian, Ciel’s own fear threatened to choke him with a sudden rush of smallness, inadequacy. Sebastian had centuries, if not millennia, of life and memories, and Ciel had a scant thirteen years to offer in return, much of it abnormal and twisted as far as human life was concerned.
Sebastian countered it as swiftly as the emotional bile had risen up, replacing the fear with a wave of safety and affection.
Never doubt that you are anything but perfect to me.
Their minds settled back into one again, sharing a sense of tranquility and contentment. There was nothing left to hide, and therefore nothing left to say.
They drifted through shared dreams, having conversations neither needed to remember across the span of time and space Sebastian had seen. All that mattered was being at each other’s side, losing track of who was who, learning through other eyes what made a life worth living.
Neither had the veneer of their names anymore, but they knew each other too well to need them.
-
Ciel woke up different.
He raised his head, blinking as he took in Sebastian underneath him. Sometime in the night, Sebastian had relinquished him and become fully human in appearance again. The sight of discarded and sometimes shredded clothes made Ciel snort, unbothered by the fact that they were both naked. He met Sebastian’s eyes, suddenly unwilling to break the silence after how intimate they’d been without words.
The first difference he noticed was that he was back in his own mind, alone.
However, he had a sense of peace about it. The part of him which had yearned for another was satisfied, as though the most potent struggle of his life was over, and he was free to enjoy the rest of his years knowing he’d found what he was looking for.
He felt older, too. Their dreams had seemed to contain many months, but he knew only hours had passed.
Less predictably, his senses were sharper. He was refreshed and more alert than ever before, but not uncomfortably so. To test just how much more attuned he was to his body, he did the only thing which made sense and kissed Sebastian full on the mouth.
Sebastian responded with enthusiasm, which settled the question of how meaningful their combined time together had been to the other. Kissing deeply was still a pale imitation of what being entwined felt like, but it was the closest they could manage at the moment. With how much they’d mixed, flesh and blood, kissing and laying together felt vaguely incestuous to Ciel, but there was no way he’d shy away from being Sebastian’s lover after such a night. Every touch with Sebastian was special, even if he mostly wanted to experience sharing everything with him again.
Humans had limited ways of being intimate, after all.
How funny, that becoming partners had happened more as a side effect than intention.
The suggestion to let their minds feel each other and blend had been impulsive, yet in retrospect it seemed blindingly obvious. Ciel couldn’t imagine what he’d been like beforehand. It seemed as though the piece of him he’d always felt was missing had been Sebastian’s passing presence inside of him, and this was clearly how they’d always meant to be.
Sebastian was the one to reluctantly pause their kissing, holding Ciel close and smoothing back his hair as he gently pushed Ciel’s face back from his. “Are you feeling alright?” he asked, expression once again something Ciel had never seen before, softer around his eyes and mouth than usual.
“Incredible.” Ciel breathed deeply. “Better than I ever have before. You?”
Sebastian smiled with more emotion than Ciel associated with him. “Yes. I feel… more.”
“More what?”
“More in general.” Sebastian pecked Ciel’s cheek. “You could say I feel more human, my lord.”
More human.
Was Ciel becoming more demon, then?
“Is that good?”
Sebastan nodded, as if he could barely believe it himself. “When we mix like that, we come away with new aspects of ourselves, copied and borrowed from the other. It’s only what we feel will benefit us, so there’s no need to worry. It does mean that we’ll always be different than before. I didn’t realize how staggering, how wonderful it would be.”
“I didn’t know you’d want to be more human.”
“Neither did I.” Sebastian helped them sit up, still cuddling Ciel close. “Perhaps it's what I was missing, during that dreadful span of my existence. I’d say you changed me quite by accident when you insisted I learn to do things the human way. For a demon who doesn’t mesh with my own kind, leaning into this, even if there will be a greater capacity for pain, makes the rest worthwhile.”
Ciel leaned against Sebastian, unwilling to get up by himself. However, Sebastian’s newfound layer of emotional depth didn’t stop him from setting Ciel aside. “You have lessons today, my lord, and I’m minutes away from being behind on bringing you your morning tea.”
“Fine,” grumbled Ciel, disappointed when Sebastian stood up and conjured new clothes with an apologetic glance at Ciel for it. “It’s acceptable when they’ve been all torn up due to fits of passion, Sebastian.”
“Thank you for your understanding, young master,” teased Sebastian. He left Ciel with his thoughts.
Ciel swung his legs off of the side of the bed, idly kicking as he reflected and mused on the night before. The connection and serenity deep within his soul was something akin to how Christian mystics had communed with God, enraptured and taken up in a holy euphoria. Where this information came from, he had no idea, be it from some book he’d glanced at in Weston or from Sebastian’s mind, but it did make him shake his head to himself. Leave it to him to find a new way at utterly failing so much at his prior religion that he was outdone by demons.
He was still lost in thought when Sebastian returned with his tea, and another idea occurred to him. Ciel took a sip of earl grey, sighing as Sebastian began dressing him. “If you’re becoming more human, will you finally be able to appreciate a good cup of tea?”
Sebastian snuck a taste by planting a kiss on Ciel’s lips. “Not yet, my lord.” His tone softened. “But I’d like to think I could, someday.”
Ciel felt a surge of joy at the idea of being able to share his favorite, mundane things with Sebastian. Ciel smiled to himself, looking at his reflection in the teacup.
“Were we Ancient Greeks, Zeus would be right to fear the two of us combined.”
Sebastian grinned, a playful hint of his demon side showing as his eyes flickered.
“Agreed, young master.”