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Jax can hardly remember his first day at the circus; he’s successfully blocked it out of his mind after cringing one too many times at how stupid he had been. There’s not much he remembers from most of the days after that, either. Ragatha and her saccharine kindness is something that he is able to recall, but that's only because she has always been, and still is, like that. He also remembers that Kinger was slightly different back then - slightly less crazy, slightly less jumpy with a slightly better memory. But he was still Kinger.
So it was those first days that clumped together in his mind - a grey, unaccessible mass. And then, after months of nothing, there was something. A day that shone like the sun in the midst of the mediocre nothingness Jax’s life had become since joining the circus.
A lesson from his dead friend.
“Jax, are you sure you want, uh, Ribbit, to be your partner?” Ragatha had asked him on the aforementioned day, wringing her hands nervously and looking past him at the frog, who was currently juggling paintballs in front of Kaufmo.
Despite Ragatha’s many attempts to warm him up to her, it had been Ribbit that Jax was drawn to. He’d noticed the effortlessness in the way they walked; the coolness of their gaze. Ribbit was, ostensibly, wholly unbothered by the meaninglessness of a life that existed only to play along with Caine’s pointless adventures. They entered the adventures with a smile, and left with the same expression, entertained by the havoc they often wreaked. And Jax, who was, at that point, a nervous wreck, wanted nothing more than to be like them.
“Why shouldn’t I?” he asked her, an eyebrow raised.
“I know I’m not the best partner, so you can partner with someone else if you really want to, but Ribbit is…” Ragatha faltered, her mouth tugging downward into a grimace. “Well, they’re not exactly someone you’d want to be friends with.”
Jax stared at Ragatha, feeling a slight tug of guilt (and slight suspicion) at how much the woman was trying.
“I’ll be the judge of that,” he countered in a moment of assertiveness, heaving a paintball gun and making his way over to Ribbit and Kaufmo. There, he nudged Kaufmo and gestured to Ragatha, leaving him face to face with Ribbit.
“I guess we’re partners, then,” Ribbit told him.
Jax nodded eagerly.
Immediately, Jax felt stifled by the weight of being Ribbit’s partner, eagerly seeking their approval - eager to seem cool.
While they were walking to the hallway of rooms the characters all inhabited (Ribbit had smugly mentioned that they had some equipment in their room that would help them both win the paintball adventure) Jax threw a paintball into the air, caught it in his palm, then asked, surprised by its weight, “Don’t these things hurt?”
Ribbit threw Jax a glance, before their eyes landed on the brightly coloured ball in his hand.
“Maybe in real life, yeah. But what does that matter here?”
Jax’s steps faltered for a moment. “You… don’t think this is real?”
“Dude. You’re a purple bunny in overalls talking to a sentient frog in a bow-tie. What do you think?”
Jax noticed his face begin to heat up, feeling as though he had blown his shot at impressing Ribbit.
“Yeah, but we’re all still people, aren’t we?” Jax tried. “Even if we’re all trapped in here.”
An uncharacteristic look of sympathy glazed Ribbit’s features, and they stopped in their tracks opposite Jax’s door.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought, too,” Ribbit replied softly, before their face hardened. “But that mentality doesn’t get you anywhere. Not here. Clinging to your old life will only make you go crazy– or worse.”
“What, so you’re saying we’re not real?” Jax asked.
“Haven’t you noticed?” Ribbit scoffed. “We’re all just a bunch of colourful cartoons. Characters. Look.”
Ribbit pointed to the door beside Jax’s. When Jax turned to look, he was greeted by Ragatha’s smiling portrait.
“Ragatha is always happy, no matter what happens to her,” Ribbit prompted. “Don’t you see? We can’t break out of our characters. We only exist to fulfill our archetypes. That’s why you shouldn’t feel bad for the stuff that happens here– it’s not real.”
Jax paused. “So, if Ragatha’s the happy one, what are you?”
Ribbit crossed their arms, staring self-assuredly at Jax.
“Uh, the cool one?” they replied, gesturing at themselves. “What, it wasn’t clear enough already?”
Jax exhaled in amusement, before sarcastically remarking, “You could have made it more obvious.”
“You don’t think I’m cool, Mr Funny-Guy? Is that why you wanted to be my partner so bad?” Ribbit said with a smirk.
Jax looked away quickly. “Eh, something like that.” Then, he gestured at his paintball gun. “So, you gonna grab that stuff we need to win, or what?”
Ribbit nodded, a devilish grin painted on their features.
“Trust me, the other characters won’t know what hit them.”
…
…
…
Ribbit’s abstraction hadn’t been like all the others. They were never obsessed with finding an exit– had hardly even mentioned wanting to go back to their old life in front of Jax. Even in their mental deterioration, they never said that they wanted to leave, or that they were sick of the pointlessness of their existence. Even if, by the end of it, Ribbit didn’t believe in their self-proclaimed archetype anymore, they remained cool to the end. Not crazy, unpleasant or borderline terrifying like the others had been.
And so Jax had tried hard to make sense of it. Tried hard to trace back through all the series of events that had occurred until he was able to find the catalyst. A catalyst that didn’t involve him.
Because maybe it was the night that a not-so-cheerful Ragatha had entered Ribbit’s room. Jax knew that she wasn’t happy, because she had been strangely unresponsive during the adventure that day. And Jax knew that it was her that had went to Ribbit’s room (even if Jax himself was holed up in his own room) because he had listened, ears pricked, at the sound of the door besides his opening and closing, and counted the steps that she had taken, which, surely enough, would have led her to the other end of the hallway.
To Ribbit.
This had stumped Jax, who, out of a strange sense of possessiveness over Ribbit, could not allow his mind to stop mulling over reasons that Ragatha could possibly need to go into their room for. They weren’t exactly friends of any sort, and another girl had joined Ragatha in the circus just recently (a mopey character who Jax had named Gangle). So why exactly did she need Ribbit?
In the end, Jax couldn’t resist the urge to visit Ribbit and ask them why. He waited silently until he heard the telltale creaking of a door down the hallway opening and closing, the soft sound of Ragatha’s plush feet hurrying along the corridor, and then the door of the room next to his own opening and closing.
Eardrums pounding, Jax waited a few minutes before retracing Ragatha’s footsteps.
Nothing seemed out of order when Ribbit opened the door with their signature grin, but their self-assuredness seemed to falter when Jax stormed in, slamming the door behind him.
“Why was she in your room just now?” Jax hissed, knowing how aggressively territorial he was being over Ribbit, but, strangely, not being able to hold back. And it wasn’t as if he hated Ragatha, either. But she was supposed to be happy and Ribbit was supposed to be cool and when has the happy character ever needed advice from the cool one?
Ribbit shifted uncomfortably. “Um. Well. She was… kinda upset, actually.” Ribbit looked away, clicked their tongue, then suddenly asked, “Is there a reason you don’t like her?”
“Gangle crying in that adventure today sure was funny, wasn’t it?” Jax said quickly, changing the subject. “And Kinger was being pretty loopy too.”
“Seriously, dude?”
Jax huffed. “Alright, fine. But who says I don’t like her, anyway? It’s funny to mess with her. I’m the funny one, aren’t I?”
“Yeah, Jax, I don’t really know how much that holds up anymore.”
If Jax had a heart, it would have shattered into pieces at this moment - the jagged edges scraping his insides until he became an empty shell that was hollow as he felt he was.
Missing a beat, Jax forced a smile and ditzily replied, “Eh? You don’t find me funny?”
Ribbit frowned in concern. “Maybe it’s time to stop boiling yourself - and the others - down to, you know, one character trait?”
Jax furrowed his brows in confusion. “Dude, I don’t know if the adventure today gave you amnesia, or something, but you are literally the one who told me to do that.”
“I was barely holding it together back then!” Ribbit exclaimed. “That was just some half-baked coping mechanism to keep me afloat. I’m doing better now. And so are you. We have each other, don’t we?”
Jax scoffed. “Yeah, no. This isn’t very cool of you. Kinda corny, if I’m being honest.”
“Corny?” Ribbit repeated incredulously. “What, you think being friends with someone is corny?”
“You’re a sentient frog in a bow-tie,” Jax spat. “What is there to be friends with?”
Dizzy at the harshness of his own words, Jax felt his heart drop at the sight of Ribbit’s eyes widening in shock, before they started nodding.
“Okay. Wow.”
And Jax’s mind was racing. Racing with an answer. Racing with something that could take away the gravity of what he had just said.
I didn’t mean that.
This is your fault.
You’re my best friend.
But Jax said nothing, his vision swimming as he found it difficult to see through the air so thick with tension. He barely heard Ribbit as they croaked, “I think you need to leave.” And suddenly his legs were carrying him out of Ribbit’s room. Down the hallway. Through his door.
…
…
…
That must have been the catalyst, because, as Jax recalls, nothing was quite the same after that.
“Pretty violent with the girls today,” Ribbit hissed after one adventure, hurrying to catch up with Jax, who was already striding away from the group. “You hurt them really bad. I’ve never seen Ragatha so torn up. And Gangle–”
“Oh, here we go.” Jax huffed, stamping his foot as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “It was funny. If you can’t see that, you need to get over it. I thought you were cool.”
As Jax made to move away, Ribbit grabbed his arm.
“What the f@*!k is the matter with you?” they yelled, turning Jax around so they were facing eachother. “Seriously– what the f$@k?!”
Something in Jax snapped. He poked the centre of Ribbit’s chest, leaning in close, eyes dancing with fury.
“You did this,” he fumed. “Don’t forget. Everything I do to them is because of you. You do not get to act all high and mighty like you weren’t doing the exact same thing as me! This is your fault.”
And so Ribbit shoved him. Hard. So hard that Jax toppled over and so that, even with their short stature, Ribbit was looming threateningly over him.
“No, Jax. You’ve taken this too far. I never hurt the others to that extent because I care about them. I care about you.”
To Jax’s surprise, Ribbit exhaled sharply as if in pain, wiping their face in frustration before extending a hand to Jax.
“I care about you Jax,” they repeat with a voice that sounds strained. “Please, stop this. I was wrong. You’re a human. You have feelings. I thought we cared about each other.”
You can fix this.
I care about you.
I care about all of you.
Ribbit’s hand didn’t falter. Didn’t shake. They didn’t retract it, either. Jax wanted nothing more than to reach out for it. He felt his hand twitching upwards but it was as if someone had placed a magnet in his palm and a magnet in his body and those magnets would stop at nothing to pull him into himself, repelling everything else in the process.
In the end, Jax stood up by himself, ignoring Ribbit’s extended hand. He didn’t miss the way they flinched in shock at Jax’s rejection– an expression of pain decorating their features as they watched him slowly stand up.
With great difficulty, Jax opened his mouth.
“I don’t care about you, or anyone else here in the slightest.”
…
…
…
He didn’t go to the funeral. Of course he didn’t go. When has a murderer ever shown up to their victim’s funeral?
Jax should have expected it, but was still surprised to hear a knock at his door shortly after the procession for Ribbit had ended. Surely enough, it was Ragatha on the other side. They were both silent for a moment.
You were right. Ribbit isn’t someone I should have ever wanted to be friends with.
“Hey, Jax,” Ragatha began awkwardly. “How you doing?”
Her voice was strained in the same way it typically was whenever she had been crying. This realisation made Jax want to slam the door in her face.
You weren’t as close with him as I was.
“You know me, Rags. Perfectly fine,” Jax replied, plastering a grin on his face.
You look stupid.
Ragatha stared at him wordlessly, her face a picture of genuine concern.
“Y-You sure?”
Jax curled his hand into a fist, gritting his teeth. “I’m actually trying to get some sleep, so you leaving me alone would be pretty good, actually.”
“Jax, I know you’re upset Ribbit’s gone, but–”
“Upset?” Jax repeated incredulously, forcing himself to laugh. “This is ridiculous. I’m not upset.”
Ragatha furrowed her brows, pulling her hands to her chest as she took a fearful step backwards.
“Jax, it’s okay to–”
This is your fault.
Ragatha’s face dropped. “Uh, what?”
Jax froze. Had he said that out loud? Maybe he should retract the statement. Maybe he should close the door–
“I said this is your fault,” Jax said, words spilling out on their own accord as his voice increased in volume. “Why did you have to go into their room that day? Crying because you thought I didn’t like you? Geez, why can’t you grow a backbone?”
“W-what are you–”
“You’re supposed to be happy.” Jax fumed. “Don’t you understand? When you’re not happy and Gangle’s not sad and Kinger isn’t crazy - it all falls apart! You all had one job.”
Jax clutched his door frame, breathing heavily. When he finally recovered his senses, he looked up at Ragatha’s face, only to find it plastered with genuine fear. Fear, mixed with pity. And for all he felt bad about making Ragatha actually scared of him, there was nothing that Jax hated more than being pitied.
So he slammed the door in her face and turned around, sliding down as he sank to the floor, clutching his head with his hands and forcing himself to exhale through gritted teeth.
It wasn’t Ragatha’s fault. Jax knew it wasn’t Ragatha’s fault. Somewhere, deep, deep inside of him, he knew that she was only human. So was Ribbit. So was he.
But where had being human gotten Ribbit? It was only because they started caring about Jax that they had gotten killed.
In this world, caring got you killed. Being anything but your character got you killed.
And Jax wasn’t going to make the same mistake.