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Gerard knows that sometimes Frank just says things without thinking. Sometimes he says those things onstage in front of tens of thousands of people. Sometimes Frank does things in front of thousands of people without thinking. Gerard has known this for years. Sometimes the things that Frank says and does don’t really mean anything… but sometimes they do.
So Gerard can’t help but wonder about this third best summer jam of all time that they are apparently going to write. Did that mean anything? If so, how far can Gerard get his hopes up before he’s setting himself up for certain disappointment?
Worst of all, he has no idea how to bring the topic up to Frank. He can’t help but remember back to when the stage antics first began. He always wanted to talk about them after. He had questions- What was that about? Why did you do that? He asked a couple of times at first but Frank’s response was always so vague- I don’t know. I was just feeling it. He would blow it off like it was nothing. Eventually, Gerard learned not to bother asking about the stage nonsense. He learned to let it go.
So why can’t he let this go?
He doesn’t see Frank at all after the Philly show. They text a little bit but they don’t even talk on the phone once all week. It’s disappointing after the night of recreating their first kiss. Gerard stayed over at Frank’s all night and most of the next day. They made love three times and talked more than they have in years. Since then it has been mostly radio silence and Gerard is really over it. He wants to give Frank space but sometimes he feels like he’s being jerked around.
The night before the Toronto show finds everyone having dinner together at the hotel restaurant and it’s the first time Gerard has seen Frank since Philly. The mood is high with smiles all around but Gerard only has eyes for Frank. He’s practically glowing with happiness this tour. Gerard can’t get over it.
Frank gets up to leave before everyone else saying he’s tired and wants to get to bed early. Gerard panics - he had hoped they would spend the night together - and jumps up as Frank is leaving. “Hang on, I’m tired, too. I’ll walk up with you.”
They reach the elevator and step in silently. Gerard barely manages to wait until the door is closed before he grabs Frank’s hand and gives him a shy smile.
Frank is quick to say, “I really am tired, Gee.”
“That’s fine.” Gerard gives Frank’s hand a squeeze. “Do you feel like cuddling for a few minutes?” Gerard just wants time with Frank, he doesn’t care if he can only steal a little bit here and there.
“I-” Frank hesitates. “Yeah, okay. That’s fine.”
The elevator doors open and they walk to Frank’s room without talking.
“I’m going to grab a quick shower,” Frank says once they’re inside. “Won’t be more than a few minutes.”
“You don’t want to get messed up before getting clean?” Gerard asks, cheekily.
“Gee,” Frank says softly, looking serious.
“I know.” Gerard puts his hands up. “I’m sorry. I was just trying to be funny. Have your shower and we can cuddle for a little bit.”
Frank looks like he wants to say something else for a moment but ultimately just nods and disappears into the bathroom.
Gerard gets comfortable on the bed and briefly considers turning on the tv. He doesn’t think it would bother Frank but he feels unsure, off balance. He debates getting under the covers but he’s a little scared to do anything, so he just waits and tries to relax.
After about ten minutes Frank comes out of the shower and puts on clean sweats and a t-shirt before crawling into bed with Gerard. He gets under the covers and arranges himself so he’s using Gerard’s chest as a pillow (wet hair soaking through Gerard’s shirt), all without talking. Gerard thinks Frank must really be tired, his usual chattiness nowhere to be found. Gerard decides to press his luck anyway. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”
Frank responds immediately. “I really don’t feel like talking tonight. I just want to sleep.”
“Okay.” Gerard doesn’t really mind, he’s tired too. “That’s fine, go ahead and go to sleep,” he says gently.
Frank looks up with a bit of an apology in his eyes. “You can stay, if you want.”
Gerard thinks about it. “How about if I stay until you fall asleep and then I’ll go back to my room and put on PJs and brush my teeth? Then I can come back in here to sleep so I’ll be here when you wake up in the morning.”
Frank gives a little smile. “That sounds perfect.” He nestles his wet head back into Gerard’s chest before sighing contentedly. By Gerard’s estimation, Frank is asleep within five minutes.
xxx
In the morning Gerard wakes to find the bed empty but Frank is close by, making some crappy hotel room coffee. He brings a cup over to Gerard and puts it down on the nightstand and gives a firm kiss to Gerard’s forehead before going back to make a cup for himself. Once it’s made, he comes and sits down on the bed with it and asks, “What did you want to talk about last night?”
A thought enters Gerard’s brain out of nowhere. “Remember when we used to just always share a hotel room?”
Frank raises an eyebrow. “Is that what you wanted to talk about?”
“No, sorry. It just occurred to me.” Gerard is stuck on the thought now. “It was nice, though.”
Frank shrugs. “Yeah. I guess it was.”
“It was nice to know that even if we weren’t going to have sex, I’d still get to hold you all night. And I always knew you would be there when I woke up in the morning.” Gerard almost said ‘make love’ instead of ‘have sex’ and he’s really glad he caught himself.
Frank picks up Gerard’s hand and threads their fingers together. “Why the trip down memory lane?”
Gerard shakes his head slightly. “I don’t know. I’ve just been thinking about things lately. It just occurred to me after last night. You know… needing to go back to my room to change. It would have been easier if I hadn’t needed to do that.”
Frank cocks his head to the side. “What if I had wanted to be alone?”
“Did you?”
“Not really. I just wanted to sleep but sometimes we need our own space. That was part of the whole point of scheduling the tour this way, remember? No tour bus living.”
Of course that had all been at Gerard’s insistence. “No, I know. Yeah, you’re right. Sometimes we need our own space. I was just being nostalgic, I guess.”
It’s silent for a moment before Frank shakes Gerard’s hand in his. “What did you really want to talk about?”
Right. Gerard tries to get back on track. “Remember a few weeks ago, when I asked you if you ever thought we would last forever and you said no?”
Frank nods.
Gerard continues. “I think you were lying.”
Frank furrows his brow and starts to say something, but Gerard barrels on.
“I’ve been remembering a lot of things lately - things I’ve always tried to forget.” He licks his lips. “I was thinking about when the band ended and you went back to Jersey. Before you left, you said things weren’t going to change between us. You promised. So either you were lying then or you’re lying now.” He pins Frank with a glare. “Which is it?”
Frank looks bewildered, shaking his head slightly. “Why does it matter? Why are you rehashing this now?”
“Because… because I want more from you.” It just comes out. Gerard had no intention of saying that. It’s true, though. He won’t take it back.
“You want more?” Frank sounds dubious.
“I do.”
Frank leans back slightly. “What does that mean? What kind of more? You want to share a room?”
“No, that’s not it. Not that I would mind it, but that’s not really what I mean.” Gerard isn’t even totally sure what he means. He’s silent for a moment when Frank speaks up.
“You want a commitment?”
“No. I mean, yes. I would love that but I know you aren’t ready for something like that. What I want is… is like it was before the break up. When I knew I was going to share a bed with you every night. When I knew we were going to talk every day even if we were on different coasts. When we texted good morning and goodnight almost every day without even thinking about it. When I knew what you were up to most of the time…” He trails off, not sure if he’s making his point and unsure whether Frank will understand.
“Okay.” Frank looks thoughtful. “I understand. You want to be boyfriends.”
“I-... yes? I guess that’s right. It feels like a silly thing to ask after all this time.”
“It’s not silly.” Frank looks down briefly and then back up again. “It is a little surprising, though.”
“It is?”
“Gerard.” Frank lets out a frustrated huff. “Three years ago, all you wanted was an occasional booty-call and maybe some hang out time every few days, usually just watching tv and barely even talking. I would have given anything to have more with you then. Suddenly you want to be fucking boyfriends.” He waves his hand. “What changed?”
“It’s not sudden.” Gerard feels like it’s obvious. “Three years have gone by, that’s what’s changed.”
Frank shakes his head. “I don’t get it.”
“It’s like… Swarm tour was really scary, okay?” Gerard tugs at a lock of hair with his free hand. “I didn’t know how well I could handle it. I needed to focus on being present for the band and keeping myself healthy. That was my priority.” He twirls the hair around his finger. “It’s different this time. Now I know I can handle it all. I know how to take care of myself.” He drops his hand back into his lap. “The only thing missing is you.”
Frank looks around the room as if he’s looking for answers. “I’m right here.”
“Right now you’re here. But what about after the show? What about after the tour?”
“What about it? What do you want from me?” Frank’s voice has an edge to it. “I have to take care of myself, too, you know?”
Gerard waves his hand. “I’m not saying you shouldn’t. I want you to make your own needs a priority. What I’m trying to figure out is where do I fit? Do I even fit into your life at all?”
“Of course you do-”
Gerard interrupts, “And what was that about writing the third best summer jam of all time?” Gerard’s half smiling as he says it because it feels like such a non-sequiter, but it’s been bothering him.
Frank looks at him for a long moment before a small giggle erupts. “I don’t know, Gee. I guess… yeah, I want to start writing music together again, all of us, but that is totally beside the point.”
“It’s really not,” Gerard asserts.
Frank looks nonplussed before seeming to deflate a bit. “Okay, explain.”
“Okay. If we start writing together again, as a band. Then we’ll be recording together again. We’ll all need to be in LA for a while.”
“Sure.”
“Where will you stay? Where are you going to live while you’re out there?”
Frank looks at a loss, his brow furrowing again.
“No, I know,” Gerard hedges. “I’m getting ahead of myself and I don’t actually expect you to have an answer to that but I’m really trying to just get all this out there. These are the kinds of things I’ve been thinking about, that’s all.”
Frank looks down at their hands for a long moment, their fingers still threaded together. “Did you know that I’ve been trying to give you space on purpose?”
“I definitely feel the space,” Gerard confirms, “but I don’t understand why.”
“I guess I thought it was like last time. I didn’t want to push too hard and have you decide that it was too much and you couldn’t do this with me again.”
“Frank, I want to do this with you forever. I’ve been trying to tell you, to show you that.”
“Yeah.” Frank huffs out a laugh. “Yeah, I’m getting that now.”
“I know it’s too much.”
“I didn’t say that.” Frank purses his lips. “But I’m also not ready to say anything definitive.”
“I know. I get it.”
“Do you, though?” Frank pins Gerard with a glare. “Because it’s not going to be the same. It’s not going to be like it was before the band broke up, ever. You’re damn right, I’m going to make myself a priority. I won’t get lost in that codependent nightmare ever again.”
“I don’t want you to,” Gerard rushes to assure Frank. “I don’t want that either. Don’t you see? That’s why I didn’t want to get too attached during Swarm tour. I knew I still wanted some kind of connection with you, but I needed to be sure that we could be normal about it before getting serious again. Do you think we can be normal? Have an actually healthy relationship?”
Frank seems to hold his breath for a moment. “I think we have a better chance now than we’ve ever had before.”
“Can we try?”
Frank doesn’t answer, just looks down at their hands. He picks up Gerard’s other hand and squeezes their hands all together. “I wasn’t lying.”
“No?”
“A few weeks ago, I wasn’t lying. I was lying before the band broke up, before I went back to Jersey,” Frank admits. “I couldn’t stand how distraught you were. I said what I thought you needed to hear.”
“Asshole.”
“I know.” Frank looks down, contrite.
Gerard suddenly feels like crying as an old wound opens up somewhere deep inside him. “That just made everything worse when you didn’t come back.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t lie to me.”
“I AM sorry.”
“No, I know.” Gerard shakes his head. “I know you’re sorry. I believe you. I forgive you. I just mean, don’t lie to me now. I need us to be honest with each other, always. I won’t do this again if I can’t trust you.”
“I get it.”
Gerard asks softly, “Can I trust you?”
Frank squeezes their hands again as he looks into Gerard’s eyes and says, “Yes. You can.”
It’s quiet for a moment. Gerard decides to go for broke. “Frank, I’m so in love with you I don’t even know what to do with myself. How much are you willing to give me, here?”
Frank untangles his left hand and scratches the back of his neck. “Boyfriends?”
“Yeah?”
Frank smiles, eyebrows raised. “I can give you boyfriends.”
Gerard leans in for a soft, gentle kiss. When he pulls back, he breathes out, “I’ll take it.”