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Empty.
It has been a hard day, and Hecate feet lead her to Pippa’s office, an habit hard to lose. Except, she finds no one, almost nothing. And Hecate can barely breathe in this hollowness.
Silence.
And yet Hecate is hearing so many things. Pippa. Pippa’s voice, talking, laughing, whispering, moaning, groaning, singing. Except, it’s not really here, it’s all in her mind.
Colourless.
No pink any more, only black. No blond hair shining like the sun, only black hair dark as the void. No chocolate brown with the glitter of malice, only black with the glitter of tears.
Hecate is tired of crying. Looking at herself in the mirror she just sees a shadow. Bags under her eyes darkened by sorrow. Pippa used to say she had the most beautiful eyes in the world, Hecate doesn’t believe it any more. Hair in a messy bun. She can’t let them down, Pippa loved it too much, lacing her fingers in them softly, reverently. Hecate barely dresses up too, every outfit stained by the memory of Pippa’s compliments, of Pippa’s eyes on her.
Hecate feels like there is nothing left of what Pippa seemed to see in her, always with a compliment and a soft appreciative look.
She sits here, still expecting the mirror to chime, and to see Pippa’s beautiful face appear with her dazzling smile. She would tell Hecate that she looked frightful. Hecate can almost hear her “You should take more care of yourself Hiccup”. She always said that. Except Hecate always preferred using her time to take care of Pippa, to take care of them.
But now, there is nothing left for her to care for.
Ada has told her to take a break. She has complied, reluctantly. But she had to admit, she was in no state to teach. And more so that it reminds her too much of Pippa. So she has time, so much time, and nothing to do with it. No one to share it with.
Solitude.
Pete is trying. She can see it. Pippa’s best friend and sponsor, her unfaltering support for more than 35 years, particularly when Hecate herself had abandoned Pippa. Now he’s trying to support Hecate. It’s almost unbearable. Because she just realised how much Pippa and him look alike. Dazzling smile, kind heart, shining eyes, generous, playful, selfless, determined. Donut lover. He reminds her too much of Pippa. It was painful. But she’s aware that they need each other.
Pete loves Pippa as much as Hecate does, only in a different way.
It was almost the only thing they had in common.
He talks a lot. About Pippa. It makes Hecate heart tights in her chest. But she understands. It’s his way to keep Pippa alive. He tells that he didn’t like Hecate at first, “You were no more than a nitwit for me”, because she had broken Pippa’s heart. But he came to love Hecate too, because she made Pippa the happiest he has ever seen in all the years they spent together.
“Pippa was always talking about you, your name was the word she said the most. More than ‘donut', and goddess knows she loves” he catches himself with a wince, Hecate falters “She loved her donuts.” he finishes in a pained whisper.
Past tense.
Pete’s words have something in them that makes them smile a little, but it also hold a terrible truth.
Pippa is past tense.
The reality hits them. It only remains of Pippa memories and a few keepsakes. Hecate tries to focus on those memories. She remembers how she had scolded Pippa a few times about her sugar intake, with all these donuts and their insufferable pink frosting she ate.
“Better a donut than a drink.” Pippa had said one day.
And Hecate understood. Donuts were a way Pippa had to counteract the craving and stay on track with her sobriety, despite the struggles. So in the end, Hecate was the one offering donuts with their pink frosting when Pippa had a bad day or was stressed. Or sometimes just to please her. Just because she loved her.
Still does.
Forever will.
But this love has no place to go. Not any more.
Loneliness.
She looks at Pete and wonders if he feels the same desperate feeling. Probably. But he has Kelly. She, on the other hand, is alone. Well, she has Ada and her coworkers she supposes, but they don’t really understand. Pete’s the closest that could understand.
He was there along the way, when her world had shifted the worst way possible, when it had shattered in a million pieces.
The day they woke her up in the hospital to tell her it was the end.
Just this. The end.
It crushed her irrevocably. She couldn’t even hold Pippa’s hand one last time nor give her one last kiss. She had slept through the passing of her love and it destroyed her beyond repair.
She barely reacted at first, stunned. It was too much at once. A kind nurse asked softly if she wanted them to call someone. “Pete” was all she managed to articulate. Thankfully, the hospital knew about him and they called.
He arrived as fast as he could, he held Hecate, with strong and steady arms. And she realised she was barely holding herself together. Her whole body was shaking, weakening by the minutes. She collapsed into him and he supported her until she could sit.
She didn’t cry at the hospital, she couldn’t process this inconceivable reality. She just felt numb, empty, beside herself.
Pete had driven her to his flat. Going to Pippa and Hecate’s house would probably have been too much. But he had forgotten one thing: the pictures. Pictures of Pippa and Pete, of Pippa and Hecate. Of Pippa. That was what made her broke down. She started to cry. Silently at first. But then she started to sob violently, almost screaming. It went for hours. Feeling as if it would never stop.
Her Pipsqueak was gone.
And she misses her terribly.
Always will.
If only she could turn back time.
Regrets.
So many of them. It will forever be the biggest regret of her life, to have abandoned Pippa as they were young. Thinking Pippa would hate her for her love. She should have known that this was an unfounded fear. She had missed her everyday during their time apart. And yet, she had been so reluctant to let Pippa back into her life. If only she had known they would have so little time, she would have done everything differently. But it’s too late now.
She tries to focus on the recollections of them together. They barely had ten years reunited. It had been the most wonderful years of her life. Waking up with Pippa by her side -and now the emptiness of the bed. The long talks under the stars -and now the haunting of unfinished conversations. The playfulness and the laughter -and now the misery and the tears.
She can’t do this, every memory is stained by the loss.
How is she supposed to keep going?
Promises.
She had promised to Pippa. In their last month together: she will keep on living. Maybe even, one day, open her heart to love again, Pippa had suggested. It had been hard to hear, inconceivable. How could she love someone else?
They had swore to love each other for the rest of their life. Pippa’s life has been severed by the sharp knife of a short life, but hers is still going. So she intends to keep her promise. To love Pippa until her last breath.
There had been another promise. Made years before, in the secret of the night. “No more hiding, no more secrets” Pippa had said, and Hecate had agreed. They were supposed to have nothing to hide from each other, not any more.
Yet, when everything started to go down, Pippa had refused to show her fears, her anxiety, and most of all her pain and the new weakness of her body. She had kept going like nothing was happening.
But Hecate saw and did not accept it, couldn’t stand seeing the suffering. It took her time to really see behind Pippa’s new walls, and when she understood everything, she did all she could to be there. To be strong for the both of them. But she was scared too.
Terrified.
She tried to put on a brave face, but more than once, it faltered. She remembers her worst breakdown. The last crisis that had almost lost Pippa. Hecate was filled with terrible dread. But she had wanted to go into that hospital room confident, saying that it was going to be ok, as long as they were together.
She failed. As soon as she entered, seeing all the magic and machinery needed to keep Pippa going, she collapsed on Pippa’s bed side, shaken with uncontrollable sobs.
Eventually, it was Pippa who said it. “Hiccup, my love, it will be ok”, her voice almost serene, softly caressing Hecate’s back. And it only made Hecate cry harder.
“How do you say goodbye to the one person you only ever loved?” had asked Pippa once Hecate got calmer.
“I wish I knew” answered Hecate in a strangled whisper, hating the idea.
“Be brave, Hiccup, I need your strength.”
Pippa cupped Hecate’s face so their eyes met. She had a watery smile but a smile nonetheless. She knew very well what was coming. She had a look filled with both fear and acceptance.
Pippa accepted her fate.
Hecate couldn’t.
“It’s going to be ok, Hiccup.” had repeated Pippa, but Hecate couldn’t even fathom a world without Pippa where things could be ok.
Unfair.
Why must it have been Pippa? Why not her? Pippa was the most wonderful woman Hecate knew. She had been loved by many. She should have lived a long and happy life. But no. Illness took over. It was so unfair, and Hecate was angry. Angry with the whole world. But also with herself. She was angry to be in full health, a whole life ahead of her, when the love of her life had to fight to have just a few months more.
Guilty.
It was eating her alive, and of course Pippa knew it. And one day, she took Hecate’s face in her hands and just shook her head. Right to left. Not a word. But the message was clear. And Hecate listened. She stopped feeling guilty for being healthy, for something she couldn’t remotely control. But she stayed angry at the world, at life. Just, not at herself, it was no use, and more so it brought only pain to the both of them.
She understood the most important thing: Pippa was happy despite all of this. Because of Hecate. Because they were together and loved each other.
Love.
They were bonded by magic for only 5 years. It was way too short for Hecate liking. Pippa’s vows are still engraved in her memory, her last letter tucked carefully in her favourite book, their rings at the end of a chain around her neck. She can’t wear it on her finger, it’s unbearable. But she keeps them close to her heart, hidden under her clothes.
Looking at her desk she remembers. They were talking about the possibility of adopting a child. Pippa had always wished for one, but she had never wanted to be alone in this. Magic could have given them a child of their own, but Pippa preferred to adopt.
“There are so many children out there who need love.” A very Pippa thing to say.
And Hecate agreed. So, they were supposed to do this, together, grow their family, and build a future. The paperwork was done. But never sent. It stays here, on Hecate’s desk, taunting her, haunting her. But she can’t seem to throw it away.
Help.
She needs help. And so she asks Pete. They decided it was time to sort Pippa’s things. Hecate feels like it’s too soon, but she needs to do it or it will consume her. There is so much of Pippa everywhere, like she was still there. Like she could pass the threshold at any minute. It makes it hard to breathe. So they spend days going through trinkets, books, clothes, memories.
Keepsakes.
“Can I keep this?” asks Pete.
He is holding a tiny round thing in his hand. It takes time for Hecate to recognise what it was: an abstinence medal. It looks old and worn-out.
“It’s her first medal,” he explains, “I gave it to her. I know she kept it on her all the time.”
So that’s why Pete was so adamant on searching in every one of Pippa’s pockets. He has a sad smile while looking at it. So Hecate just nods. It was obvious that he too needs something solid to remind him of Pippa, to keep a link.
“You know, I’ve been sober for 43 years,” he continues, staring at the medal, “though, I admit, lately, I’ve been contemplating the idea of a drink. But somehow, it’s her who keeps me on track.”
She doesn’t really know why, but it almost makes Hecate cry, and also proud. Pippa had a lasting impact on so many people in her life, a positive one. Pete and her were living proof of this. And all the people that came to offer their condolences.
Funeral.
An awful, terrible day. There was something definite about it. No coming back, it was her new reality.
No more Pippa.
The pink witch didn’t want people to be sad but she knew she couldn’t expect that. So she had made a request: she wanted to be remembered for her joy and her victories. Pete took it on himself to assure that people knew what kind of amazing woman Pippa had been and most of all a fighter who lived her life to the fullest. He talked about their meeting, about the day he learnt Pippa was a witch and other sweet anecdotes. It brought watery smiles around the attendance.
Hecate was supposed to make a speech too. It was only normal as Pippa’s lover. She had written it, she couldn’t improvise something like this. It was too important. But at the first word, her voice cracked, lost, strangled in her throat. Tears filled her eyes, she was unable to say or read anything.
Someone came to stand by her side, a hand gentle on her arm. They took the paper from her hands and began to read it. It was Mildred. Hecate was surprised but also incredibly grateful for this girl and her golden heart.
It was strange to hear her words from another voice. But they still rang true, because she knew that Mildred had adored Pippa too. After all, she was one of the first to believe in the girl. Of course, words of romantic love sounded out of place. But it was still Hecate’s words and they needed to be said. So people could know how wonderful, brilliant and strong Pippa had been. And most of all, how she had been loving and loved.
Her speech wasn’t intended to make people cry, it was intended to celebrate Pippa. But she also knew there was an infinite sadness in her words, she couldn’t control this. So many cried. Not as much as her. But still, so many tears.
Goodbye Pippa Pentangle
Goodbye Pipsqueak.
The ashes were to be dispersed in the soil under a tree, in a place Pippa had loved, and where people could come for remembrance. It was Hecate’s to do alone.
It was the final goodbye she supposes.
Until it’s not. Until she sorts Pippa’s things. Until it’s Pippa’s birthday. Until a new headmistress is appointed to Pentangle’s. Until there is an anniversary. Until she has to throw away Pippa’s clothes she had kept to wear on dark days. Until it’s the end of Pippa’s bottle of perfume…
Until she realises that she will spend her life saying goodbye. In so many ways.
