Chapter Text
The ship rocked with the steady waves lapping up against its side, the sway nauseating to those unused to its hypnotizing push and pull. For Usopp, it was his everyday, and one that continued to feel like a dream with every new morning, where the sun’s rays were still young in the sky as the light cascaded and glittered across the ocean’s dancing surface.
With the sky bright and cheery overhead, the sniper was at the Sunny’s portside railing of the dining deck with a plate of food, enjoying the fantastic view the crew was blessed with around the clock, as was the life of a seagoer.
His meager portion of curry and rice sat sadly in one of the four quadrants of his rather large plate. He had come marginally late to lunch and had grabbed whatever was left from Luffy’s raid. This was fine, as Usopp wasn’t that hungry to begin with - he would say, even as his stomach growled.
Using his fork, he half-heartedly pushed the food around the porcelain surface. Snagging a bit of meat, he popped it into his mouth and chewed absently before forcing himself to swallow. A hand crept toward his gut, spreading out to press into the skin before curling up and pinching a bit of flesh between thumb and index.
Usopp sighed and reclined his plate over the railing, watching the remains of his meal fall the fifty feet or so into the rushing waters alongside the hull. His stomach groaned in response, but he coughed reflexively over it to hide the intrusive sound before turning away from the railing.
This is how many of his days went since the two years away from the rest of the crew. His greed on that island was still a more than present mark of shame on his body and pride, and while losing it all since then had gained him some killer abs, the uncomfortable memories continued to weigh on his mind.
Granted, the island had intended for him to fatten himself up for the sole purpose of eating him and others like him while they were plump and juicy, but the fact that weak, naive Usopp fell hook, line, and sinker and allowed himself to fall prey to that giant, carnivorous flower . . . Add on top of that the pain that his captain was experiencing at the loss of his brother while “Idiot Usopp” was busy stuffing his face without a care in the world.
All that happened on that island was a touchy subject, and he hadn’t bothered to fill his friends in on the details of that impromptu vacation - all the better, he reasoned, as it saved him from the pain of reliving the worst of it. Unfortunately, in his hiding and smothering, among other things, some unhealthy coping habits had taken form; ones that he couldn’t get himself to stop even if he tried.
It felt like retribution. Like a necessary act of punishment for his sins. Although, this might just be his way of excusing the behaviour as something reasonable beyond the irrational fear of gaining weight and rendering himself a liability to those he considered to be the most important people in his life.
It started small and discrete; small, negative comments or notes of his body in passing every time he glimpsed himself in the mirror or cared to glance down at his figure. With all that was happening at the time, there wasn’t a good moment to really sit and dwell over what he’d been through, and so, they had seemed harmless then, but, little by little, they became louder, crowding up uninvited at the forefront of his mind; come Dressrosa, and he couldn’t properly think of himself without one of those horrible opinions riding alongside like suckerfish to sharks.
The hero-worship during this time certainly didn’t help matters either, because what great hero wasn’t there when his best friend needed him most? What great hero got so easily swept up in moments of weakness more-so than moments of strength? While he has been working on his courage, it didn’t excuse every time before where he would run at the first sign of danger.
Usopp truly hated who he was before. He had to be better, shape up, or else he might just be kicked out of the crew. It happened once before, and it could very well happen again. Just imagining the disappointment on the faces of Zoro and Luffy had his stomach in knots.
The thickening cloud of negativity surrounding him dampened his mood and increased his anxiety. Every little, insubstantial incident seemed to overwhelm him thrice as much as usual, and his hobby of tinkering had gone from hours at a time to mere minutes of frustrating attempts to remain focused and on task. His relationship with food was no better. Eating had already been a hesitant act since losing all of that weight initially, but actively avoiding it had become a far too frequent thing - the lack of nutrients being the main reason for his dwindling physical and mental health, although he was wont to deny it.
Standing in front of the bathroom mirror as he was now, the sniper could already think of five nasty ways to describe the sight before him. He in-took a shaky breath, knuckles nearly white from their tight grip on the countertop’s ledge, and he let it all out with one big sigh. Tearing his eyes from the reflective surface, he busied himself by splashing some tap water over his face, rubbing it in like it would change his view of himself. After a light drying, he made his way out onto the main deck, the sun beating down on his tanned skin.
“Hey, Usopp!” an eccentric voice called over. Usopp already knew who it was without having to even look. Just as predicted, it was Luffy who bounded into view, and he was shaking a bucket and two fishing poles within his line of sight. “Wanna fish with me!?”
The man in question chuckled good-naturedly, already bobbing his head in response. The captain cheered, thrusting a rod into his awaiting hand before racing off toward their preferred spot at the Sunny’s side.
For a moment, Usopp stared down at the tool, his thoughts making the easy connection between this and food - aka, fish . Fish wasn’t too bad. There was some comfort accompanying it, due in part to its relation with the sea, as well as how it tended to be prepared by their resident cook. Too much of it though . . . Well, that was the problem with most foods. Even then, it was fun to catch.
Humming brightly, the sniper followed after Luffy, ironically looking forward to some hours spent staring at the same spot expecting something to change; nonetheless, it was something to do that wasn’t tearing down his usually fragile self-esteem.
Their long lines dragged in the water with a limp worm on the end to attract fish. Luffy was falling asleep, but every time his head hit Usopp’s shoulder, he would spring back up, groggy and half out of it. Usopp watched with a poorly concealed grin when the young man finally committed to rest and began to snore against his side.
Despite his state, his grip never faltered, or at least not enough to lose the rod. Even so, Usopp kept glancing over just in case, uncomfortably aware of how at ease his captain was while he continued to be a bundle of nerves - that hadn’t changed much in two years.
He swung his feet rhythmically from his perch, humming quietly while staring unblinkingly at the end of his line, feeling inclined to fill the silence. With the wind in his hair, sun bathing over his skin, and the occasional mist of ocean spray, Usopp slowly fell into a moment of tranquility, encouraging the feeling to seep into his bones. At this, his thoughts notably and gradually faded into the background, and he relished it.
When his line tugged and tightened, Usopp sprung up from his slouch vigilantly. It must’ve been a pretty big fish, because it would’ve assuredly stolen his pole had he not been ready in time. He grunted, struggling to keep the line close to his body as he leaned back. A powerful jerk forward almost threw him into the sea, but the sniper reacted fast by leaping off of the rail and onto the deck. His feet were propped steady behind two posts, and it was with a great heave that something finally gave.
A beautiful, lean fish sprung up from the water. It appeared to glow in the sunlight, a splash of glistening water droplets trailing in its wake as it drew nearer. Usopp whooped in delight, and he pulled it in until it landed onboard with a wet smack.
“Hey, Luffy! I caught a big one, look!” The aforementioned man mumbled something in his sleep. He swayed in place before beginning to tip forward. Usopp squawked in alarm and was quick to catch him by the waist to put a stop to his gradual descent overboard. Luffy fell limp against him, but Usopp stepped aside with his arms raised up in defiance for the rubberman to smack down onto deck alongside the flopping fish. “That’s what you get for sleeping on the job!”
Luffy only grumbled in response, until the smell of food reached his nose, and he unconsciously began inching his way over to the fish with his tongue lolled out.
“Nope!” Usopp snatched up the fish. “This is for Sanji, not you! Catch your own if you’re going to be so selfish!” Luffy whined and stretched up his arms. They narrowly missed the fish when the other moved. Usopp danced back, fish above his head and long nose downturned toward the simpleton making grabby hands at him. “It’s raw, too, y’know! You’re going to get sick if you eat it now!”
Paying no mind to his sniper’s fuss, Luffy made another attempt, this time a long appendage was wrapped snug around the other’s bicep, and he pulled hard. Usopp struggled against his hungry captain’s hold with an endless stream of frantic protests leaving his flapping mouth. Once free, he bolted for the kitchen, the other leaping up and in hot pursuit. It was all fun and games until a sleeping Zoro was caught in the crossfires, and now both of them were running from a barrage of katana swings.
The ship was alive and in high spirits. The long day was coming to a slow and serene end as the sunlight dimmed and the clouds darkened. Brilliant streaks of pink and yellow highlights washed the Thousand Sunny in their warm glow, and the elegant notes of the violin permeated the air.
Dinner tonight was a big deal; every few nights of the week being as such. Sanji would go all out, and there would be music and laughter, and half of the crew would end up in a drunken stupor by the end of the night, often out like a light and spread across the grassy lawn of the main deck like washed-up starfish.
The fish Usopp caught, along with a few others, were filleted, cut, garnished, and served, set up nice and pretty in the center of the many platters of delicious foods. Along with it were other meats, some salads, rice, sides of eloquently seasoned vegetables, and a fine bottle of sake (Zoro had one all to himself and refused to share it).
Usopp was crammed between Luffy and Robin at the table. It was loud, but with his friends, it wasn’t so bad. He grinned and engaged in his tall tales that he knew everyone was fond of, true or not. Getting so into his role, he had climbed up among the platters, shoving them aside to make room and shouting to the ceiling. Everyone was eating it up, hooting and hollering along. He had a big, goofy grin on his face, totally in his element.
Everything was going well, but suddenly, the sound began to blend and fade, and the lights were too bright and blurred his surroundings. A cold sweat broke out on his skin while his body also felt too warm to breathe comfortably in. Trying to appear collected, Usopp concluded his story in a bit of a rush and slipped off of the table to his seat. Zoro, mid-laugh, clapped him heartedly on the back, and he was nearly overbalanced to eat the floor.
Robin leaned in curiously once Usopp had slumped heavily back into his chair, and she raised a prompting brow when their eyes met. He chuckled awkwardly, grateful that the dizziness had subsided for the most part. It helped that his grand display made a bit of disorientation reasonable enough, but he was still worried, and with how she was looking at him, well, it made his stomach flip uncomfortably. He smiled and waved off her concern nonchalantly, not hearing the few words that fell from her lips once he had tuned into the table’s loud discussions.
He internalized his panic best he could while his mind spiraled on that bout of faintness as his body recovered. The food on his plate remained untouched, and he was soon enough contributing enthusiastically to many different conversations, keeping up the appearance that he wasn’t feeling sick to his stomach.
“-and I walked off with his wallet without a hitch.”
“Wow! And he didn’t notice at all!?”
Nami smirked crookedly, her pearly teeth gleaming dangerously in the light, and she hunched down to lay her chin on her raised, threaded fingers. “Nope! It was as easy as breathing and as smooth as sailing. The aftermath was pretty hilarious, too.”
“Do tell,” Robin encouraged with her notable expression of mischievous amusement. Nami naturally mirrored this look before continuing her captivating story of betrayal and sweet, sweet justice. Usopp was trying to listen, but hands grabbing for his unguarded plate snagged his wavering attention. He made a weak objection as it was whisked away from sight.
Without a second thought, Luffy had inhaled it, along with Zoro’s forgotten stash of food. The swordsman didn’t even bother looking, and while he was glad to be rid of the full plate, Usopp found that he couldn’t tear his gaze away. Something about the rubberman’s easy consumption of copious amounts of food irked him. It could be said that he was feeling . . . envious .
Luffy’s body was something of a conversation starter. Not only did it stretch abnormally for a human, but its metabolism was absurdly fast. If permitted to, he could eat their entire stock of food all in one sitting, gain weight, but then break that weight down in three seconds flat, leaving him with his usual, muscular body and loads of new energy to boot. Whereas for Usopp, it took months to regain his usual physique prior to his binge-eating before even fathoming the next step.
It wasn’t fair . . .
His stomach growled faintly among the ruckus of the crew. Usopp swallowed dryly, blinking away the awful memories as they came.
Abruptly, he stood, pushing back his chair. A hand from his right was gently placed on his arm, as if to call him back to his seat, but he pretended not to notice, mumbling a vague excuse of needing fresh air before promptly leaving the dining room at as controlled a pace as he possibly could. Once the door had swung shut behind him, he leaned his back against it and focused on breathing.
The evening wasn’t sitting right with him anymore, and Usopp reasoned to himself that it would be best to turn it in for the night. Seeing as how the Straw Hats hadn’t even made their way out to party hard on the deck under the stars and moon yet, it was considerably early for sleep.
Unfortunately, he was feeling an exhaustion settling bone-deep, and his gut wouldn’t stop aching. It rumbled and bubbled beneath his skin, and Usopp resolutely ignored it like every other time. He grit his teeth, unconsciously grinding them together. Power-walking toward the men’s room and practically throwing himself the short distance past the bathroom, the sniper found his messy bunk and shuffled under the blanket.
He clutched his stomach tight while curling up into a ball on his side. Facing the wall of lockers, Usopp blinked back tears as the wood bed swung to a gradual stop.
He felt disgusted by his body, and equally so by his harmful habits. Everything just felt like absolute crap, his mind swirling with the usual noise of look better, be better, and more importantly, never gain weight . To gain weight, his mind whispered, would be disgraceful; an ugly, disgusting thing that would ruin him and everything he intended to be.
Obviously, Usopp didn’t get much sleep that night. He was tossing and turning, waking up, and falling into shallow unconsciousness that could hardly be counted as sleeping. That island . . . haunted his dreams. The image and feel of flabs of skin, sweat, and the inability to function properly made his skin crawl, and every soft, squishy part of him felt twice as large and twice as heavy.
Come morning, he was covered up snug in a sweater and baggy pants. While his friends were clearly eyeing his get-up strangely, no one brought attention to it beyond that, and he was very grateful for this, because he hadn’t built up a fool-proof defense on this odd and sudden development just yet.
Skipping breakfast, Usopp was glad to feel the stomach pain subsiding by lunch. So much so, in fact, that he skipped lunch as well, only bothering to munch on a single tangerine before dinner. A quick glance in the mirror before a shower, and he was actually feeling pretty good about what reflected back, although he was losing some muscle on his stomach. While drying his hair afterward, an idea came to mind.
“You want to train with me? You sure?”
“What, don’t think I can handle it?” Usopp puffed out his chest and flexed his arms, imagining a sheen of light enveloping his majestic form and blinding all those who witnessed it in all its glory. Although, his cozy clothing dampened the effect he was going for.
Zoro didn’t deign to respond to that, instead bringing his attention back to his current set of bicep curls. Usopp watched for a moment, hesitant to proceed, but he stifled the discomfort and wrestled the sweater up and over his head. He chucked it to the side and pointed confidently toward Zoro before jabbing a thumb back at his exposed chest. “Hey, I know a thing or two about vigorous workouts. I can take whatever you throw at me!”
His voice carried strong across the room. The swordsman paused mid-lift, his face upturned enough to meet the sniper’s challenging gaze.
“That so, huh?” Even as Zoro grinned devilishly and stooped to set down his weight with purpose, Usopp remained steadfast, refusing to back out now. This was too important to him.
Thus, he was taken under the swordsman’s wing, and it was as difficult and rigorous as he had expected it to be.
While he pretended this was only about strength, it was mostly about his appearance, and sometime during his first few workouts with Zoro, Usopp was worried he’d been found out. There were a few times where the man gave him these steely, side-long looks, practically staring into his very soul when he thought Usopp wasn’t paying attention.
Maybe he spent too long in front of the full-body mirror that leaned on the wall by the weight’s locker, or maybe he mumbled something revealing under his breath during a particularly grueling set when the blood was rushing to his head and inhibiting his awareness. Whatever it was, Zoro was being weirdly vigilant around him all of a sudden.
The guy wouldn’t say anything, and Usopp had no intention to bring it up, so they remained in this perpetual state of apprehension that was just enough to make him sweat anxiously before and after his designated sessions. If he was anything like the man he used to be in the early days of the Straw Hat pirates, he might’ve found ways to get out of training by this point, but he’s better than that, and so he pushed through in spite of the growing unease.
It was during one such meal in the evening that Usopp took notice of something odd. He was sitting at a casual angle at the kitchen counter, trying to pretend he wasn’t watching Sanji cook as closely as he was, when his gaze happened to skim past the two pirates leaning into one another at the opposite end of the dining room. When Robin’s eyes met his for the briefest of moments, his heart skipped a startled beat, and his view shifted down to his fidgeting fingers, poorly playing it off like he wasn’t doing anything wrong; which he wasn’t at the moment, but when looking at the bigger picture - yeah, it wasn’t too pretty.
He couldn’t hear what those two were whispering about, but they had been the only ones so far to put him on edge in thinking they knew more than he wanted them to. They were always known to be the more observant of the crew, Robin and Zoro.
He chewed on his lip, picking at the stitching of his sweater. By evening was when he transitioned into this warmer wear, as it was too hot any other time. The crew was used to walking around the ship half-naked because of the heat, Usopp once among them in the beginning, but now he can’t help giving in to this urge to cover up his body. On a good day, he’ll dress in a T-shirt and shorts, but not often is he casually bare-topped anymore - outside of training.
“You doing alright there, Usopp?”
“Hm?” Said man threw up his gaze and found Sanji leaning into the counter Usopp sat up against, busy pouring a drink while he waited for an answer. “Ah, yes, of course! Why wouldn’t I be?” His heart rate spiked, and his mouth went dry, but the cook only nodded and casually pushed the half-filled glass across the surface to sit before Usopp. He glanced at it, then back at Sanji, blinking in confusion.
The man shrugged and threw a hand-towel over his shoulder. “Looked like you needed it.” That being that, he went back to stirring the bubbling pot on the stove and sprinkled in some more spices.
Surprised, but appreciative of the gesture, Usopp sent an awkward thanks to the cook’s back. A hum of recognition and a slight nod was what brought their brief but friendly interaction to a natural conclusion. The man grabbed casually for the glass of alcohol, settling it before him in both hands as he turned fully toward the counter for his shoulders to slump their weight down on his forearms. He took a generous sip the first time, the rest being small and sparing as his mind wandered off again.
He couldn’t help glancing behind him. Robin was still there, but her face was blocked by a book spread open in one hand, a drink in the other, and Zoro was nowhere in sight. Usopp swallowed thickly, feeling a sense of dread for the next time he saw the swordsman.