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“Hey, hey, look over there. He’s so scary, right?”
“He glared at me earlier… Am I in trouble..?”
“But… Rintaro, I’ve never once thought you were “scary”, or anything like that.”
“Haha! Your family owns a bakery? That doesn’t suit your image at all!”
“A bakery? Rintaro, it’s not good to lie, you know?”
“–So believe me, okay?”
The world feels like it’s stopped to a standstill then, you think you’re holding your breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waguri’s face doesn’t change or even twitch in the slightest, she’s still facing you, eyes closed in a wide grin. You think her smile is beautiful, you think her soul must be even more alluring than that.
You see a kid, tall for his age, eyes downturned, he’s leaning face down on his desk. You’re standing in front of him, confused but knowing, the black hair covering the front of his face had been clue enough. He sat at the corner of the room, as he always did, even now.
You knock lightly at his desk, “Hey.”
Your world feels like it’s shifting, like the boulder at the foundation of a flimsy house now threatening to shift, and every step you take shakes the walls further, and your steps grow more uncertain than the last.
The boy looks up at you. You still see the vacant look in his eyes, and you think you remember the day he gave up every spark in his eyes, tear-filled, and full of despair.
“That’s it. I’m… giving up on everything.”
Your mother kneeled down in front of you back then, holding your face up, soothing fingers wiping away your tears. Her facial expressions are blurry in memory, though it must’ve been caught up in horror, followed by anguish, with how tight the embrace that followed was.
The boy in front of you doesn’t know what’s going to happen in the future, he doesn’t know that you’ll dye your hair blond and get piercings; he doesn’t know you’ll find comfort in such a small thing, that you’ll have an appearance others can’t take away nor deny; he doesn’t know the isolation you face in the future gets worse; he doesn’t know you’ll find people in that not-so-soon future that won’t leave you on your own anymore; he doesn’t know you’ll meet a girl you think would change you entirely if you just gave her the chance to try.
“What is it?” The boy replies, face tightening in intimidation, and you smile. He looks surprised when your hand rests on his head, gently combing through long bangs. He’d get them slicked back soon, courtesy of his brother, and that’d remain his favourite hairstyle for years to come.
“Giving up is such an easy thing to do, isn’t it?” You answer instead.
He stills in place, confused, before resignation falls back in place, “What do I get from holding on, anyways.”
“You get to live, Rintaro.”
The boy stares at you as you twist the chair in front of him around, sitting in front of him, you feel the frustration radiating off of him.
“That’s a lie, we look too different from everyone else. They’ll never let us live.”
“Not all of them.” You think back to your friends, whom you had thought would just be another passing season in your life, until they grabbed you by the collar and halted you in place, blocking out every exit door and stopping you from running.
“You remember when mom said the people meant for you would eventually be yours one day?”
“...” He didn’t respond, looking out the window, leaving you to speak to yourself.
You persisted, “Turns out it was true after all.”
“But, hey, if you give them up just like you always do, you’ll lose them too.”
The boy said nothing.
“You’ll meet a girl one day, she’s the kindest girl you’ve ever gotten to meet.” He looks back at you from the sight outside the window, face impassive, “She’ll tell you words you never knew you needed to hear, she’ll save you.”
“Through her, you’ll meet people who you understand and understand you in return. You’ll have friends you want forever with; you’ll actually try in tests and you’ll pass them too. You’ll start living.”
“Why are you telling me all of this?”
“To say goodbye, of course.”
The boy himself didn’t notice, but there were chains and claws and hands and tiny whispers down the halls that had been shackling him to his desk, forcing him to continue bathing in the stormy rain. It’s a terrifying sight, to see the demonized version others perceive you as standing behind him, knife in hand as if poised to attack you.
Your face softens as you stand up from the chair– it dissolves with your touch, now no longer facing the smaller version of yourself. It growls back at you, and you think it suited every description of a devil quite well, terrifying enough to send chills down your back. You’re shaking.
Then– you laugh, rickety at the edges.
“It’ll get better, things always get better, Rintaro.”
You turn to walk towards the door, and its tendrils reach out to grasp you. They burn your skin, and each step feels harder than the last; it lashes onto your ankles, and you feel cold sweat brimming every surface of skin, nauseating. You feel like you’d throw up if you go even a step further, it tries to pull you back in, and you almost trip.
The fall was a blessing in disguise, in the end, providing the perfect start up for a sprint, and you cross the finish line in an instant.
You look back into the dreary classroom, seeing his wide unbelieving eyes peering up at you from the door. This time, you laugh wholeheartedly.
“I guess this is it, goodbye now.”
The boy’s face shifted into quiet understanding, finally allowing a small smile.
“Take care of yourself in the future, too.”