Chapter Text
May 13th 2031.
Hyuntak still remembers the date.
The fifteen missed calls from Humin at 9 in the morning should have been his first warning, but Hyuntak brushed it off. He thought, perhaps, it was just Humin being bothersome for the sake of it.
The three missed calls from Sieun were his second warning, and they actually did make the hair on his arms stand up a little. He wondered if something had happened, something serious, something urgent .
The text he received from Sieun right after was his third warning.
Sieun [09:34]
Don’t open Instagram until you answer the phone.
Hyuntak raised an eyebrow.
Instagram? He thought, what could possibly be so serious that I need the news broken to me over the phone?
Nevertheless, he clicked on Humin’s contact number and pressed call. Two rings later, Humin had already picked up the phone, the urgency of it made Hyuntak worry even more. He heard anxious breathing on the other end, and muffled voices in the background, he swore one of them belonged to Suho.
“Baku? What’s up?” Hyuntak asked, waiting for Humin’s usual bellowing voice on the other end.
“Gogo…”
“And is that Suho in the back? What’s he doing over at yours? Or did you go over to theirs?”
Hyuntak heard more mumbling on the other end of the line, hushed voices arguing over who should break the news to him. He recognised the quietest one as Sieun’s, further adding to his confusion.
Now that they were almost 24, their schedules rarely aligned well enough to be able to meet up together for hangouts. Once Sieun got a full time job in the satellite geophysics laboratory of Seoul National University, he moved to the other side of the city, and Suho had moved in with him a year later. Juntae was so swamped with med student duties at Jeonbuk university that he rarely returned to Seoul, meaning only Humin and Hyuntak remained in the district.
The group of five that used to be practically joint at the hip learnt very quickly that growing up often meant growing apart.
Which made it even weirder that Humin, Sieun and Suho were together at 9 in the morning on a random Tuesday. Had they planned this in advance without telling him?
“Gotak-ah,” Humin simply called his name again, it was too gentle, too pitiful for Hyuntak’s liking, “… did you sleep well?”
“You called me twenty times to ask me that?” Hyuntak rolled his eyes, even though he knew Humin couldn’t see it, “and quit avoiding my question! Where are you guys?”
There was more mumbling on the other end.
“Gotak, you’re over Juntae, right?” Sieun asked after a moment of silence.
Hyuntak furrowed his brow.
“Huh?”
“Are you actually completely over him? You’re not still a little in love with him, are you?”
This again? Hyuntak thought to himself.
“For God’s sake, how many times do I have to tell you guys?” He huffed out a laugh, “Yes, I’m bloody over him! That was almost 10 years ago, I know how to move on, guys, you can stop the welfare checks.”
Even more mumbling.
“So you’ve moved on completely?” Suho questioned, “the feelings are 100% gone?”
“Yes, yes, 100%,” Hyuntak confirmed, he tried to ignore the tugging of his heart after such a blatant lie.
“Okay. Good,” Suho commented plainly.
“Was that all, guys? Am I free to go now? I’ve got a class this afternoon to prepare for.”
The mumbles were starting to get annoying, Hyuntak could hear them bickering about who was going to speak next.
“Wait, Gogo, I still think it’s best you hear it from us,” Humin voiced, sounding awfully frightened, which was too out of character not to pique Hyuntak’s interest.
“You’re seriously starting to scare me,” Hyuntak replied, “did something happen to Jun? Is he okay?”
“He’s engaged, Hyuntak.”
Hyuntak hung up the phone.
May 13th 2031.
He still remembers the date, because it might have been the worst day of his life.
Hyuntak doesn't remember much of the rest of that day.
He remembers that he cancelled his martial arts classes for the afternoon, telling parents that there had been a family emergency. He briefly recalls opening his Instagram page, and liking Juntae’s post, a single photo of his hand with a bedazzled ring finger that spoke a thousand words. He doesn’t remember what he commented, probably a variation of “I’m so happy for you!!” with obnoxiously happy emojis.
He remembers seeing their group chat flooded with congratulatory messages, always followed up with a private message directly to Hyuntak making sure he was well. Hyuntak always said he was, because he should be— technically, he’d never even dated Juntae so what reason did he have to be miserable? Why was only he getting treated like a pathetic child receiving tragic news? Just because he was very (unintentionally) openly in love with Juntae for most of his early adult years?
He was back in bed by noon, staring hopelessly at the ceiling, whilst his mind raced at 100mph.
He doesn’t know when Juntae started dating his now fiancé exactly, the timeline was blurry for him because it felt like everyone, including Juntae himself, avoided the topic entirely when he was around. He assumed it had been some time during college, where they’d shared the same campus, but he didn’t really know. He was always the last to find out about Juntae’s crazy dates, his anniversary gifts or his couple's travels, even when he was the first person Juntae told about everything else. Hyuntak wondered if it was because a part of Juntae, even if it was just a small part, knew that telling Hyuntak wouldn’t be the same as telling Humin or Sieun. It wouldn’t affect them in the same way it would affect Hyuntak, so he’d walk on eggshells around the topic entirely.
It made Hyuntak feel so pathetic.
Not because he thought Juntae was intentionally keeping things from him, not even because it seemed like everyone else thought he was incapable of moving on. It made him feel pathetic because it was true.
He convinced himself that his romantic feelings for his friend were a thing of the past, fleeting puppy love that he’d locked away in nostalgic memories. He knew that Juntae’s engagement news was something to celebrate, that it was going to be the happiest time of his best friend’s life.
But then why did it hurt so much? Why did his throat tighten and his chest burn with shame and regret, even as he lay alone in bed?
He tried distracting himself, but everything seemed to remind him of Juntae, of how much Hyuntak had messed up back when they were on the cusp of something , of how much he wished that he could go back in time and grab Juntae by his shoulders and scream at him. Tell him that he was it for Hyuntak, that it was him and only him in Hyuntak’s heart. He hates himself for letting everything go unsaid, he should have known that in uncertainty, somebody would have to leave first.
Humin calls him again in the afternoon, spamming voicemails until Hyuntak begrudgingly picks up. Hyuntak knows it’s because he cancelled class, but the idea of having to talk about it, having to tell someone about his stupidly self-inflicted suffering almost makes him want to shut his phone off entirely.
“What now?” He asks, putting the phone to his ear and sitting up in his bed, after hours of brooding.
“I’m on my way to yours, you want me to pick up that weird yoghurt you like?” Humin immediately responds.
“You seriously need to find more hobbies,” Hyuntak tutted, though it was difficult to mask the affection behind his words, “but pick up two, I’m running low.”
By the time Humin had arrived, Hyuntak had collected himself well enough to at least outwardly appear like someone who was completely unaffected by Juntae’s engagement. Humin greeted him warmly, and put the yoghurts in his fridge.
Humin didn’t bring the topic up, deciding instead to go on and on about how Suho’s motorcycle had scratched his car ever so slightly when they were on their way home. He explained that Sieun and Suho had visited him that morning because they just so happened to be running errands for Suho’s grandmother nearby (and not for any emergency Juntae-Hyuntak related reasons), but they had to rush home before Sieun’s work shift. Hyuntak didn’t speak much, he didn’t feel like he had to, but he entertained the conversation enough for Humin not to be suspicious. It was going perfectly until a moment of silence allowed Humin to look a little too closely at Hyuntak’s face.
“You big fat liar.”
“Huh?!” Hyuntak shouted, confused by the sudden accusation.
“You promised you were over him! You said you were 100% sure your feelings were gone!”
“They are gone!”
“Then why the hell does your face look so… so…”
Hyuntak waits for the usual insult. Hideous? Fugly? Freakish?
“… Longful ?” Humin finished, his face softened slightly, muscles relaxing as he watched Hyuntak for a moment longer, “you’re still waiting for him, Gogo. You think he could still run back to you any day now, right?”
Curse Baku and his unnatural ability to read facial expressions, Hyuntak thought.
He opens his mouth to defend himself but Humin puts a hand over it before he can get a single word out.
“Relax, I’m not gonna tell you what you can and can’t feel, I get it. Hell, I might be the last person on Earth who can judge you for waiting for someone,” Humin explained, it stopped Hyuntak in his tracks because he knew exactly what Humin meant. Humin was still facing his own battles, much more serious than Hyuntak’s, after Baekjin’s disappearance.
“I’m really happy for him,” Hyuntak’s shoulders slump, he falls back down onto his bed, Humin immediately plops down beside him.
“I know, we all are.”
“I just… it just pisses me off thinking about how many chances I had that I managed to screw up. I keep wondering what would have happened if I’d just spoken my mind once, like maybe it would have been me with him instead of that asshole.”
“I kno-”
“And we’re literally still only in our early 20’s! I thought I’d have longer than this, that annoying guy probably proposed to Jun just to mess with me. He probably heard that same sex marriage was legal now and starting laughing about how miserable he was gonna make me,” Hyuntak grumbled, even though he knew his words weren’t true.
Juntae’s fiancé was uncharacteristically sweet to Juntae, so sweet in fact that Hyuntak struggled to find flaws in their relationship even when he tried to. But Hyuntak knew that he would still be better for Juntae; a better friend, a better partner, a better lover. If Juntae’s fiancé was perfect for him, then, in Hyuntak’s eyes, Hyuntak was perfect-er.
“So, you’re still not gonna give it up?” Humin asked, eyes gentle as though to say ‘I will support you either way’ . Hyuntak thought about it for a second, before deciding to be honest, just this once.
“I can’t, not yet. I’m gonna wait a little longer just in case. I mean, it’s just an engagement, right?” Hyuntak asked, before suddenly feeling disgusted by his own words, “does that make me a trashy friend?”
“Nah. It’s a trashy situation,” Humin sighs, throwing his head back to lie down on Hyuntak’s pillow, “we really got the short end of the stick when it comes to this whole love thing, huh?”
Hyuntak snorts.
“Tell me about it,” he replies, “maybe we should just marry each other, save ourselves the trouble.”
“So that our kids can have big ass feet like yours? Absolutely not,” Humin rebukes, he gracefully dodges when Hyuntak throws a slipper at him.
They don’t speak much after that, just sit in a peaceful silence, stuck in their own little worlds. Hyuntak doesn’t feel any less miserable, but at the very least he feels less guilty. Less horrible for not being able to let his feelings go, even when Juntae was now happily engaged. Less pathetic for still waiting, for still yearning, for still wanting .
Hyuntak didn't sleep much that night. But he didn’t lose all hope.
It turned out that Hyuntak could not have been more gravely wrong.
Finding out about Juntae’s engagement was tough, very tough, but it was absolutely nothing compared to getting a frilly wedding invitation in the mail a few months later.
“Go Hyuntak,
You are cordially invited as an honorable guest to attend the wedding of:
Seo Juntae & Geum Seungje
On Sunday, August 15th 2032, at Mary’s April, Beongusa-ro 16-gil, 31 1.”
Hyuntak read it once, and then again before stuffing the card back in its envelope. He tried to ignore the way his heart clawed against his rib cage– desperately, unrelentingly. But ignoring it only made him feel worse.
You knew this was coming, he reasoned with himself, stop pretending this is shocking news.
When he couldn’t get the card completely back into its envelope, he looked inside, only to find that there was something else in there too. Curiously, Hyuntak reached in and pulled it out.
A letter.
Hyuntak unfolded it slowly, a soft smile spreading on his face when he immediately recognised Juntae’s handwriting. He loved watching it get progressively more scruffy and illegible the further Juntae got into his medicine degree, it almost felt like a progress marker. Hyuntak stood comfortably by the kitchen counter before beginning to read.
“ Dear Tak-ah,
I can’t believe after all that we’ve been through together, I can finally sit here and write a letter to you asking you to be an honored groomsman at my wedding!!
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart, you have been there for me at my lowest and at my highest, and I could never repay you for everything you’ve done, even if I dedicated the rest of my life to it.
You made high school such an unforgettable experience, and this might be weird to say, but a part of me still thinks of you as my first love. I don’t say that to make you uncomfortable, but to show you how dear you will always be to me. You were the first person that made me feel like I was deserving of love, that I was allowed to be loved as much as everybody else.
Please eat well, sleep well, and take care of yourself. I will always be here for you, Tak-ah, whenever and wherever you may need me.
Lots of Love,
Your Jun :)”
The letter fell out of his hand, gently swaying in the air as it dropped to the ground. Hyuntak could physically hear the crushing in his heart, the excruciating pain that washed over his body as he soaked it in.
This was it. This was Juntae’s way of telling Hyuntak that he could finally let go now, that there was nothing left to have hope in. Hyuntak didn’t want to accept it, he couldn’t accept it. Not like this.
His hands trembled as he lifted them to cover his face, eyes swelling and burning with wet, warm tears. His body went completely limp, giving out on him as he shook in agony. Hyuntak dropped to his knees, clutching at his chest before a desperately pathetic cry left him. He clawed at the kitchen counter, his knuckles white as he reached for support.
This can’t be it. It can’t be over.
He hiccuped between sobs, wiping his tears only for more to fall, over and over again until his body physically couldn’t produce any more. He attempted to even out his shaky breaths, but they only began to feel more jagged and uncontrollable.
It was all too much.
Too much for Hyuntak to carry. Too much regret, too much despair and guilt and unconditional, boundaryless love with nowhere to go. These feelings had been patiently festering in Hyuntak’s heart for nine years, and now that it was finally over, that he had lost , they all wanted to be released at once.
Hyuntak slumped against the counter, eyes blood red as they glared up to the ceiling. His breaths were still heavy, chest heaving with each one.
This was his own fault.
If he’d just put his pride aside, if he’d listened to his own pleading heart and been brave just one time , none of this would’ve happened. This was his fault, for being so weak and ashamed of his own feelings.
He thinks about what he would sacrifice to be able to go back in time just for a day, for an hour, even for a minute, and make things right. He would find Juntae and tell him to his face that he didn’t care about what others thought, he didn’t care about his parents or their reputation or any of it. He wouldn’t be worried about facing rejection, he wouldn’t be terrified about what it might do to their friendship, he wouldn’t stress about whether or not it made him look weak.
He would take hold of Juntae and never let him go. He’d make sure that Juntae knew that he was Hyuntak’s whole world.
But it was too late for that now— His world has already begun crashing down on him. This was Hyuntak’s punishment, and he was going to have to bear the consequences of his own actions. Not everybody’s first love ended happily ever after, and he had to accept the fact that his story never would either.
Hyuntak looked back down at the floor, zoning in on the letter, and hoping that maybe if he glared hard enough, it would disappear on its own. That it would reveal itself as some kind of sick prank from the universe before he returned to reality, a reality where he wasn’t such a close-minded coward. Where none of this had ever transpired.
Where Juntae was still his .
“Coach Go is back! Coach Go is back!”
Hyuntak hears excited voices before he even walks through the main entrance. As soon as he creaks the door open an inch, ten pairs of little legs are racing to greet him, wrapping their arms around him in a big, jumbled hug.
Hyuntak chuckles lightly, using a hand to steady them.
“Alright, alright, let me get in first.”
After the emotional breakdown he’d suffered through the week prior, Hyuntak had been absent from work and asked a coworker to take the lead of his sessions. Hyuntak taught martial arts classes to children between 8 and 18, he’d worked hard to get the qualifications for it and his family were relying on him for income, so he very rarely took days off. That made it all the more confusing for the children when he disappeared for an entire week without warning— Hyuntak felt bad for leaving like that.
The past week since he’d received the letter had been rough, but he was managing to survive. He called Juntae to thank him for the invitation, letting his friend excitedly share his plans, and muting himself whenever his breath felt shaky. He’d redecorated his apartment in an attempt to distract himself, Humin said it looked brand new. He’d even learnt a new apple pie recipe from his mom, and tried baking it, though it didn’t taste as good as hers.
But there was still a dull, aching feeling settled in the pit of his stomach.
He still found himself stuck in his own head, sometimes, thinking about the letter, about how Juntae had essentially called Hyuntak his first love.
Nevertheless, he pushed forward.
Hyuntak gently ushered the children to take their seats before class started. He greeted his co-lead, Woosik, who told him it was good to have him back. Once he was changed and ready, Hyuntak started the class, hushing the excited chatter of the preteen students sitting cross-legged on the floor.
Clearly, his mind still wasn’t used to being back at work yet, because he was zoning out more often than usual. His mind replayed his last phone call with Juntae even as Woosik began to demonstrate the first exercise of the day, using a distracted Hyuntak as his opponent.
“Now, kids, the most important thing about forward-thrusting kicks is that they work best when your opponent is offguard…”
Woosik’s explanation becomes background fog in Hyuntak’s ears, his mind can’t focus on it. He finds himself staring out of the window, wondering if he should call Juntae again after work, or if that would be too much.
“All you need to do is take your fighting stance…”
Maybe I could get Baku to call him, Hyuntak thinks, I think I need to hear his voice just once so I don’t get antsy.
“Lift your kicking knee up high…”
I could go and visit him, it’s been a while, Hyuntak ponders, but I’d set the place on fire if that asshole was there, too.
“Thrust your foot forward…”
It should be me living with him, not Seongje , he continues, before a leaf blowing in the wind outside snaps him back into reality. He looks around, slightly puzzled as to what’s going on, before turning his neck to ask Woosik.
“And strike!”
BANG!
Hyuntak’s awfully timed turn caused him to directly enter Woosik’s line of attack. His eyes widen, mind racing with potential ways to block the kick, but he’s in such a disoriented state, that he finds himself unable to move at all. For a split second, he made eye contact with Woosik, who looked panicked, clearly regretful about using his full force kick for a demonstration. Hyuntak tried to move his head, but it was already too late.
Woosik’s foot crashed directly into Hyuntak’s jaw, the forceful kick hurled Hyuntak to the floor in one fell swoop.
Hyuntak only saw black after that.
He doesn’t know long he’s out cold for, but when he wakes up, he’s on the ground looking up at a clear blue sky. His eyes sting slightly from the light, he winges before shutting them with a soft groan.
“Tak-ah?” A voice says, too recognizable for Hyuntak to mistake.
What on Earth was Juntae doing here?
Very slowly, he opened his eyes again, to find a head hovering over his. Juntae was staring at him with a deeply concerned expression, he reached a hand out and cupped Hyuntak’s face with it. The worry seemed to leave him as soon as Hyuntak blinked up at him a few times.
“Oh, thank goodness!” Juntae broke out into a wide grin, tilting his head to gleam at Hyuntak, before looking back up, “you’re finally awake, I was so worried.”
Hyuntak, still groggy and confused, used both of his wrists to forcefully sit up, ignoring the pounding in his head as he did. Juntae placed a hand on each of his shoulders to help him, still watching Hyuntak’s every movement with a soft smile on his face.
“Where am I?” Hyuntak asked, rubbing his forehead in an attempt to stop it hurting so much, “and what are you doing here, Jun?”
He could have sworn he was just in the studio a moment ago, watching Woosik’s demonstration, even if he wasn’t exactly very focused. Had the blunt force to his head been so sharp that he’d died? Was this heaven?
He heard more people rushing over, turning his head to find Sieun and Humin now standing beside him.
“The nurse is on her way,” Sieun confirmed, before crouching down and staring at Hyuntak at eye level, “he looks fine to me, though.”
“Is this a prank or something? Where’s Woosik?” Hyuntak asked, in a completely bewildered tone.
His friends shared confused glances, before Juntae softly hit Humin on the arm.
“Baku, I told you not to pass the ball so aggressively!” He whined, “you’ve totally messed him up!”
Humin apologised, before explaining that they were playing basketball at lunch and he had accidentally thrown the ball right into Hyuntak’s face at full speed, knocking him to the ground. Hyuntak had been dizzy for a moment, and then immediately unconscious, so Sieun and Humin rushed to call for help.
Once he was done explaining, Humin smiled expectedly at Hyuntak, as though he’d answered all the questions that Hyuntak should have had. But Hyuntak had so, so many more.
Where were the kids? When did his friends get here? How did he get outside? Why were his friends looking at him like he was crazy for asking where Woosik was? And why did they look so… different? Younger, more lively. Where the hell was he?
“Tak-ah, you’re going really pale,” Juntae reached a hand over to place it on Hyuntak’s forehead. As he did, Hyuntak noticed the blazer he was wearing, a familiar navy blue. His eyes scanned it until they fell upon a crest, one that he knew all too well.
Juntae was in his school uniform.
Hyuntak quickly looked down at his own attire, only to find that he was wearing the same one, and then turned to Sieun and Humin. They were at school. He was playing basketball at Eunjang High School like it was 2023 again. He stared down at his own hands, so flabbergasted by what was happening that he could hardly breathe properly. The shock shot straight to his brain, he felt his body start to shut down.
“Oh no, he’s passing out again! Quick, tell the nurse to hur-”
Hyuntak was unconscious before he could hear the rest of the sentence.