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Castiel could still see the bright light of the sun, even with his eyelids closed. Oh and what a bright sun it was, he lived through ions and still couldn't remember a time when it was shinning brighter, so why did it feel so dull?
Cas and Sam were driving back to the bunker. Sammy was driving and Cas set next to him with his eyes closed and his head resting on the window. None of them said a word since they started the drive, words seemed so pointless, like everything else.
"Do you think it was quick?" Sam asked when the weight of the silence became unbearable. Cas would be lying if he said the thought of whether Dean felt pain or not, didn't occur to him. He hoped it was quick, painless, just a flash of warm light and then... nothing. The thought of Dean being torn apart and his beautiful soul being thrown into nothingness, brought tears to his eyes. "Cas?" Sam looked at the fallen angel, when he didn't respond he pulled over.
It was only when Cas felt Sam's hand on his shoulder that he noticed the tears on his face. "Cas.. I'll miss him too." of course Sam will miss him. Dean is his brother, the person who raised him, cared for him, his only family. What right did Cas have to cry like this in front of Sam? How could he just break down and let Sam support him, when he promised Dean to care for Sammy? "I'm.. I" he tried to lie and say he's fine, but he couldn't. His words came out with a mix of saliva and tears and instead of a sentence, all he was able to form was a collection of messy sounds.
Next thing he knew, he was wrapped up in Sam's arms.
Sam wondered if he had ever seen the angel cry before.
"We have to plan his funeral." Cas said after he steadied his breath and pulled away. Sam just nodded slowly, not looking up from his hands. "And.. and we'll have to go to the garden.. check if.. if" the words were just too painful on his tongue. "Yeah..we'll have to, eventually." Sam knew what Cas wanted to say, and there were two possible scenarios- either they'll find Dean's bloodied and torn up body, or they won't find anything at all. Both options were equally heartbreaking.
"Sam" Cas' voice was hoarse "I'm sorry." Sammy finally looked up, "What for?" the angel shifted a little in his sit. "I promised Dean to look after you, turns out I'm the one who needs to be taken care of." he turned his gaze away from Sam. "I know he's your brother and you must be hurting much more than I but.."-"It's ok, Cas. I get it" Cas looked back at Sam. "I know he's important to you too, Cas. And you just got rid of Lucifer, it's fine." He put a reassuring hand on Cas' shoulder and smiled at him.
"I just wish I could've protected him. I gave up everything for him, I tried so hard to keep him safe, and it all was in vain."
"You did everything you could, Cas. Hell, you even took on Lucifer so he wouldn't have to fight the darkness. You did your best." Cas closed his eyes and frowned his brow. "But it wasn't enough" he sounded almost angry. "It's never enough" he looked out of the window "I'm never enough."
And that was when the penny dropped.
"You loved him."
It was more of a statement than a question. Cas' eyes shot right up and he glared at Sam with a mix of confusion and fear in his eyes. "You did, didn't you?" Sam's eyes were soothing, and Cas' features relaxed a little. "I still do, and always will." Cas could feel the tears forming behind his eyes.
"He loved you too, you know?" even though Dean had never stated so to Sammy, he knew he wasn't lying to Cas. He heard Dean mumble the angel's name in his sleep enough times to know his love for Cas was much more than brotherly, even if he wouldn't admit so, even to himself.
Then they just set there in silence. Until Sam took his hand off of the angel's shoulder and started Dean's car. Yes, Dean's car. It would always be his brother's baby.
When they started driving the sun had already hid behind the mountains and the sky was painted in beautiful oranges and pinks.
Even though the sight was magnificent, Cas didn't want the sun to go away.
'It's Dean's sun', Cas thought, 'It would always be Dean's sun.'