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The engagement
When Ray Vecchio asked Stella to marry him, he didn’t think she’d say yes. Didn’t think she’d say no, either; he was expecting more like: I guess we could, but we’re fine as we are, aren’t we? But he wanted her to know he was in it for keeps and that he felt like he was becoming her husband.
They were both looking at forty, so he didn’t go down on one knee or brandish a ring or anything. Just one afternoon on the beach, looking out at the sun on the ocean and holding her hand as they walked, Ray said out of nowhere:
“I was just thinking, I would really like to be married to you. You wanna get married?”
An emotion he couldn’t name flickered across her face and then she smiled. They didn’t stop walking.
“Yeah, I’d really like to be married to you, too,” she said.
He wasn’t expecting it when she started to cry, but then that was sort of how he felt too so maybe he should have been. He pulled her close, felt her tears and her hair against his neck, sand under his feet.
“Hey, hey – you don’t have to call yourself Mrs. Vecchio or anything if you don’t want,” he said, trying to make her laugh.
She did laugh, then lifted her face.
“Yeah I do,” she said. “It’s already who I am.”
So that was how they decided it.
They took a few days talking about how they wanted the wedding to be before they called their families. Fixed on February, in Florida: a rented villa on the beach big enough for most of the wedding party instead of a honeymoon. They figured they already lived by the ocean miles away from everyone they knew – what did they need to go away on a honeymoon for?
Stella only had her sister now, but she made enough noise down the phone for an entire family so that was alright. Stella said she was too old to be given away again – she would have done it to humor her dad, if he’d been alive, but she wasn’t going to appoint someone to fill the role.
She said, “I mean, I was married before, so it doesn’t seem right, does it?”
That was her lead-in to asking how he felt about inviting her ex. She wasn’t sure, she said, but it felt like he should be there to get a new thing off to the right start. Ray thought it was her call; he wasn’t inviting his ex, but then that had been different. Briefer, mainly.
Save the date
Before Ray could call his family, Frannie called him.
“Did you know Fraser’s coming to town? Ray Kowalski just told me today! He’s gonna stay with him, but that doesn’t make any sense, he’d be much more comfortable at our house, wouldn’t he, Ray? You have to call him, ok? Tell him to stay at our house, Ray doesn’t even have a guest room…”
“Ok, ok, ok, I’ll call him, I’ll call him, I got some news so I need to talk to him anyway – hey, does Ma know you’re inviting Mounties to stay in her house? ‘Cause you can’t just have me call him up if you didn’t even talk to Ma yet…”
“Yeah yeah yeah I’ll tell her. Just call him, ok?”
“Ok! Ok! I’ll call him – listen, I got some news, Frannie - ”
“Because your old room is just sitting there, empty, so he could sleep there, right? He could have your room – that’d be great, wouldn’t it?”
He had to admit it pissed him off just a little bit, that his own sister was still so excited about the Mountie that she didn’t notice he was trying to tell her something. Finally, finally he managed to say:
“Listen to me a minute! I was gonna call you, I got some news, about Stella and me – we’re getting married, ok, so…” and then she made about as much noise as Stella’s sister had. Right in his ear, too, but it made him feel better anyway. She put their ma on when she calmed down enough to think of it, and their ma cried and wanted to discuss their wedding plans right away. Then she wanted to talk to Stella, and what with one thing and another he didn’t call Benny till the next day, only to learn he’d already left for Chicago.
Stella wanted to tell Kowalski first, in case he heard it from someone else. But he was proving a hard man to get a hold of.
Stella didn’t think he was avoiding her.
“We had coffee, before we left Chicago. I told him I was moving here with you – he seemed fine with it. We had a nice time, actually.” She paused, and added slowly, "Although, he wouldn’t tell me anything about Canada…”
A couple days went by and there was still no answer at Kowalski’s place, so Ray called Frannie again. But she hadn’t seen him since Fraser came to visit. Nobody had, it seemed.
“Well, he’s with Fraser, isn’t he?” she said, like it was obvious.
“What, they’re holed up at his place all this time, not answering the phone? Doing what – playing Scrabble? Does that seem likely to you?”
“As a matter of fact it does, yes,” she retorted.
“Oh, please!”
“Okay, lemme explain this to you real slow, big detective. They’re partners, right?”
“Yeah, and so was I partners with Fraser, but I never disappeared off the face of the earth for no reason!” He’d gotten pretty good at not thinking about how he’d done it to go to Vegas. That was different.
Frannie gave an incredulous snort.
“Yeah, that’s because you guys were partners. Him and Ray Kowalski, they’re more like partners.”
“You know that saying the same word twice doesn’t actually make it mean something different, right?” Ray said, just to be difficult. He was starting to see what she was getting at.
Frannie sighed a long-suffering sigh she’d learned from their ma, only hers had more energy to it. “You know exactly what I mean, don’t play dumb. Besides, you didn’t see how they looked at each other when Fraser got here. You two, you’re like best friends, right?
“Yeah,” Ray agreed.
“Right, well – I don’t look at my best friend the way those guys look at each other, is all I’m saying.”
“Huh,” said Ray.
He told Stella about some of that conversation over dinner, and she was pretty skeptical. About the part where he was in the apartment playing Scrabble and no one had seen him.
“I don’t know about that. Ray doesn’t buy food, so the pizza delivery guy must have seen him.” She didn’t say what she thought about someone else being there too, and Ray didn’t push it. It wasn’t like he was looking for a reaction about her ex, was it?
And he didn’t get one. “Could Frannie maybe check with Sandor? His mom’s getting worried,” was all she said.
But there turned out to be no need to interrogate fast food delivery staff, although Frannie wouldn’t have balked at it. And from what he’d heard about his little sister, she’d have gotten anything she wanted to know out of him too. Ray was kind of proud actually, not that he’d ever tell her that. No, Frannie called again, and it turned out Lt. Welsh knew the score. There had been rumours flying around the 27th – had they killed each other? Gone undercover? Been kidnapped investigating maple-syrup smuggling? (Maple syrup? That was the best they could do? The standard of Canadian jokes had slipped since his day, Ray thought sadly.) And then around corners, in quieter voices but mostly sympathetic, some people were thinking the same as Frannie. But Welsh cut off the wildest conjecture by announcing that Detective Kowalski was taking a sabbatical.
And that was what convinced Ray that Frannie was right. Because it was a word Fraser had come up with, he was sure of it. Most of the station wouldn’t know what it meant, and by the time they found a dictionary they’d be half way to losing interest.
Ray hadn’t been sure how Stella would react. She went quiet for a minute, then sighed and said, “Well, God help Constable Fraser, but he must know what he’s getting himself into...”
“You don’t seem very surprised,” Ray said. He was surprised, although the more he thought about it, maybe not so much. But he was surprised that she wasn’t.
“Well, no. It wasn’t a big secret – I mean before we got together, I know there were some guys. Maybe after we split up too, I don’t know. He didn’t tell me things like that, after.”
She was so matter of fact about it that Ray didn’t know what to say.
“Oh,” he managed, feeling a whole lot less liberated than he had just a minute ago.
“So what about Fraser? He’s Ray’s type, but I guess he can take his pick. He’s good looking enough, if you like that kind of thing.”
“Oh come on: every woman in the world likes that kind of thing! I had to put up with them liking it, every damn day of the week!”
Stella shrugged. She was really pretty when she shrugged, he thought. “Not my type,” she said.
“You don’t know how glad I am to hear you say that. But you’re pretty much the only one who would. He spent his whole time batting off beautiful women who wanted his phone number.”
Stella raised a cool eyebrow at him. “And that never made you wonder?”
“Well, yeah, sure – I guess I did wonder, at first. But I just thought he was shy, and then there was - ”
He stopped short, surprised at himself for even starting that sentence. That was a story Stella never needed to hear: the one beautiful woman Benny damn well ought to have batted off but didn’t, and Ray didn’t want to talk about any of it.
In the end he told her all of it. Benny in handcuffs; on the wrong side of the Plexiglas. The train station. The sick thud of him falling. Stella didn’t say anything, just moved to sit on his lap, legs around his waist, and kept kissing the top of his head. Ray pulled her even closer and said the rest into her hair. It didn’t sound quite so bad that way. Benny in the hospital not saying anything, his eyes sliding away from Ray like he didn’t want to look at him.
“That where this scar’s from?” she asked, tracing circles over his shoulder.
“Yeah.”
She sat back and started to unfasten the buttons on his shirt, pushing it gently off him. Ray sat still; let her do it until her lips replaced her fingers over the scar and he shivered. He knew what she must be thinking.
“I figure we’re even, him and me,” he muttered.
“Okay,” said Stella.
Then she pushed him down on the couch and they were done talking about all that.
Plus one
Later Stella checked the time zone, so he knew it was nearly noon in the Territories when he called looking for Constable Fraser. But Constable Fraser wasn’t there. It was his day off, said the lady who answered the phone at the RCMP detachment.
Ray tried him at home. Stella was hovering at his side as he let it ring, and ring – he guessed she had more right to be curious here than he did. He was just shrugging to her, about to say he’d try later, that Fraser must be out communing with the wilderness or something, when Benny’s blurred voice said, “Hello?” sounding for all the world like the phone had woken him.
At noon.
Ray was so surprised he said, “Fraser?” like an idiot who didn’t know who he’d just called up.
Then Fraser was there firing on all cylinders. His voice came down the line sounding together and just like Ray had expected, exclaiming, “Ray!”
Ray sat down right next to Stella on the couch while they caught up for a minute. He had his arm around her smooth brown shoulders as he got around to saying:
“So look, I was calling ‘cause I’ve got some news actually, Benny. Stella and me, we’re getting married, and…”
“Ray! That’s wonderful news!” Fraser burst out. He sounded really pleased; pretty much as pleased as Ray ever remembered hearing him about anything. Stella could tell what kind of reaction he was getting, and nodded encouragingly at him to keep going.
“Listen,” he asked, “It won’t be till the winter, and we’re thinking we keep it small, mainly just family. But I wanted to ask, if you would maybe be my best man? You think you could skip a few weeks of perpetual darkness, come down to Florida in February?”
Fraser didn’t even correct him about the perpetual darkness thing. “It would be a very great honor, Ray,” he said, sounding almost choked up.
And wasn’t that just the greatest thing? His wife-to-be in his arms, and his best friend on the end of the phone, and all of them happy? Stella could read on his face that Fraser had said yes, and she leaned in to kiss him.
She was watching him closely when he led in to his next question. “So Benny, you know it’s traditional to bring a date to a wedding, right?”
Ray knew Kowalski was there as soon as he registered Fraser’s minute pause, and heard him repeat, “A date, Ray?” Because Ray knew a Mountie playing for time when he heard one, and acting like he’d never heard of the universal facts of American life was one of his numero uno stalls.
“Yeah. A date,” he confirmed, all innocence. “So like, if you maybe had a girlfriend, she’d be invited too. Same if you had a boyfriend.” He just left that there while he waited for a reaction, Stella watching him intently.
He got a reaction all right. Sure, it was a Fraser reaction – a full-on silence so loud Stella could hear it too even if she couldn’t translate it. Then he managed to clear his throat. “What, ah, what makes you think I have a…”
Ray didn’t miss that he skipped the important word at the end there.
“Well, you know, I still got my sources at the 2-7, and they tell me you turned up there a few weeks back, took off with Kowalski. The both of you vanish, and the next thing we hear is these rumours he’s disappeared off to Canada on a sabbatical or something...”
Ray paused in case Fraser was going to correct him, but he didn’t say anything.
“Hey, what is a sabbatical anyway?” he asked, even though he knew.
“Well Ray, it’s from the Hebrew ‘Shabbat’, literally a ceasing – it means a rest from work or a hiatus, and nowadays it’s normally used in reference to a career break of some kind…”
Ray had to cut him off there.
“Ok great! Well, I mean, I’m sure Kowalski deserves his career break, and I bet he loves Canada as much as the next man – you guys got clean air, honesty, all the maple syrup you can eat…” Ray could almost hear Fraser rolling his eyes – and yeah, he knew that wasn’t his best line but he was out of practice here, jeez – and waited for an interruption on urban air pollution, but it never came. And the only thing that could possibly silence Fraser when it came to correcting deliberate misconceptions about Canada was an implication about his love life. “…and a coincidence like that, people talk, you know, Benny? Maybe they’re jumping to conclusions from these facts, but I’m just reporting to you what I heard, ok?”
This time Fraser managed to say, “Well yes, I did visit Chicago, that’s quite correct, and of course I did call in at the precinct for old times’ sake – and everybody was very welcoming, you’ll be glad to hear…”
Sure. Some even more than others, Ray thought but didn’t say. “So look, I don’t wanna put you on the spot or anything here Benny, but Kowalski kinda disappeared on everyone there, and Stella promised his parents she’d try and find him, so…”
There was a pause. Eventually Fraser said, “Could you hold on for a moment please, Ray?” and there was the not-really silence of a hand over the receiver. Ray could make out a rumble of voices and he nodded at Stella.
Fraser was back a moment later. “Um, yes, as a matter of fact Ray is here…” Ray mouthed to Stella, he’s there!
Then out loud to Fraser, he said, “Oh! Well! That’s good to know. So listen, seeing as he’s there, Stella wanted to talk to him for a minute. If this is a good time.”
“I’ll find out for you, Ray,” Fraser said solemnly.
This time the receiver wasn’t so well covered and Ray heard a creak, and Fraser saying something like, “Stella wants to…” Then a sound like rustling, and he almost dropped the phone when he realised he was hearing the creak of bedsprings and the rustle of sheets.
He muffled the phone in his shirt and turned to Stella, not quite understanding his own reaction. He was incredulous; he was pleased – he was really pleased, he realized. “They’re in bed, Stel!” he said, not even thinking how she might take it.
Her eyebrows shot up and she shook her head energetically at him. “Then I don’t want to talk to him now, Ray! That’s too weird!” she hissed. “You already invited them both, we’ll write them…”
Thank God for Fraser, he came back with a polite, “Ray, I’m terribly sorry but Ray says this isn’t really a good moment, perhaps he could call to speak with Stella later? He – um – he’s, well - ”
Then Ray heard Kowalski’s voice, faint but quite distinct, saying, “Just tell ‘em I’m going back to sleep. And c’mere, would ya?…”
“Okaaay!” he said. “Going back to sleep, that’s what you call it in Canada, I got no problem with that – listen, Benny, call me later, ok? I’m really – we’re both really – this is good – I mean, way to go! Look, uh, I’ll talk to you soon. Yeah ok, bye.” Which wasn’t the smoothest way he’d ever ended a phone call, but then he’d never seriously expected to be on the end of the line to Kowalski telling Fraser to get his ass back in bed, so he thought he’d done pretty well, considering.
Guests at the wedding
Their families arrived on the Wednesday before the wedding, which made the villa seem full even when it wasn’t. Benny came the next day, with Kowalski but without the wolf, and neither of them was dressed for the weather.
Benny dropped his bag to return Ray’s hug while Kowalski hung back somewhere in his peripheral vision. He stepped up to shake hands but only met Ray’s eye for a second, positively radiating discomfort. Although when Ray hollered up for Stella he got a complicit grin out of him, and the lady herself threw her arms around him before shaking Benny’s hand, so balance seemed to be restored.
But he couldn’t deny it was weird. Benny, who never seemed to look twice at anybody, with Stella’s ex. Who he wasn’t actually looking at now, Ray realized. No, the pair of them were standing there a careful couple feet apart, not making eye contact and acting like they had a guilty secret.
Frannie broke the ice. She managed to inspect their clothes before they’d been there an hour, and dismissed them in horror.
“Ray, these guys cannot go to your wedding in these clothes!” she announced.
“Sure they can,” Ray said. “I don’t care what someone wears when they came two thousand miles to be here.”
“Yeah, you say that now, but you haven’t seen what they’re gonna wear! To your wedding.”
Kowalski interrupted before a family argument could really get going. “No, she’s right. We don’t need a lotta cool beach clothes up there, we brought our best stuff but basically we look like hobos. Me and Fraser both gotta get something. Where should we go?”
Frannie stopped in her tracks in surprise. “You’re asking me to take you and Fraser shopping?”
“No, I am asking you where we can buy a decent shirt and a pair of pants. Did I not just say that? Frase, did I not just say that?”
But she had scented weakness.
“Well, you know, bro, I’m not so good with directions. But I know my way around the inside of the mall here, and I am great at putting an outfit together! I mean, you guys have been away from civilization so long you look like you could really use some help, otherwise it could take you, like, all day…”
Kowalski scowled at her, but it seemed like a fair fight to Ray so he stepped back and poured himself another cup of coffee while he waited to see who would win. It was maybe less fair when Stella weighed in.
“Oh, would you, Frannie? That’d be great. Take my car, ok?”
Kowalski wheeled on her like an outraged child, mouth open to protest, but Frannie had already taken Benny’s arm and was leading him out the door. He shot a look of mute appeal back to Kowalski, and after a moment of hesitation Kowalski followed with a muttered curse. Ray didn’t blame him – he couldn’t stand up to the big-eyed Mountie look either.
Obviously the trip turned out a success, because Frannie and Kowalski came back weighed down with bags and the best of friends.
Benny said, “She really will make a very talented police officer, Ray; she realized right away what his weak point was. We spent 15 minutes buying clothes and the rest of the time on CDs and novelty junk food. I’m not sure he’s going to want to come back with me.”
But from the fond look on his face as he said it, and the way Kowalski kept looking round and then looking away with a grin every time he caught Benny’s eye, Ray thought he probably was going to want to go back with him.
Wedding day
There was a lull on the morning of the wedding. Stella went off to get her hair fixed, and it seemed like most of the women went with her. Ray was all keyed up with nothing to do – his hair didn’t need fixing. He needed someone to keep him company, was what he needed.
He found Benny in a chair on the front porch, Kowalski slouched beside him with his feet in Benny’s lap and the Stetson on his head. Ray felt kind of sorry for the guy; after the shopping trip he’d looked uncomfortable all day: hovering in the background, quiet at dinner and painfully polite with Stella’s family. Ready to flinch like he expected to get hit, or thrown out.
There weren’t many single women among the guests, but even the married ones had been doing the usual flutter around Benny. Well, Ray guessed some of them were plenty ready to flutter at Kowalski too, but he didn’t seem to have noticed. Ray didn’t blame him; the Fraser effect could skew a guy’s perception like that. But he hadn’t snarled at anyone or planted a kiss to mark his claim, or done anything except be there. So if he was making up for it now with the hat and the feet, hey, Ray could sympathize. He found a sixth sense of his own buzzing every time Kowalski spoke to Stella. He wasn’t jealous – didn’t need to be – but he noticed all right.
They both looked up as he approached. Benny’s hand was on Kowalski’s bare ankle, and that was the first sign Ray had seen of the thing between them. He wondered if they were holding back or just used to being discreet, but it didn’t seem like the kind of question you could ask.
“I’m heading down to the beach, go for a swim. You guys wanna come?” Ray said. He made sure to ask both of them, not sure if he expected Kowalski to decline. Not sure whether he’d mind if he didn't.
They exchanged one of those married-people looks. With a jerk of his chin Kowalski said, “You go on. I don’t swim so good.”
Benny’s thumb moved over the delicate bone of his ankle. “Saltwater actually aids buoyancy, Ray; it would be quite a different experience to swimming in Lake Michigan.”
“Yeah, in the sense that I won’t be fighting for my life and trying to arrest bizarre armed criminals at the same time. I get that.”
Ray laughed. “What, you too? Benny, you need to come swim in the ocean, get this lake thing outta your system. You’ll never go back after this.”
He could tell Benny was tempted. He was looking back and forth as if they were making him choose between them.
“I’ve never swum in the ocean. Not recreationally, anyway,” he admitted.
Kowalski put his feet down and made get going gestures. “Well, what are you waiting for? Ocean’s right there. Go!” But Benny wasn’t going to let it go just like that.
“I’ll need my hat when I come out,” he said. Kowalski swept it off his head and held it out to him.
“It’ll get sandy if I leave it on the beach while I swim,” Benny objected. Ray thought that was a pretty sneaky approach but said nothing.
“Sand comes off,” said Kowalski. He was caving, though: it was all over his face.
Benny didn’t even say anything, just stood there with the big eyes that no-one with a pulse could stand up to.
“You are askin’ me to come hold your hat?” Kowalski asked, dredging up half a scowl.
“If you wouldn’t mind, Ray. It would be very kind of you.”
Kowalski gave a put-upon sigh and turned to Ray. “Where’s Stella?” he asked suspiciously.
“Gone to get her hair fixed,” Ray told him. “And you get one crack, and one crack only, about my hair, so make it count.”
That got him a laugh. “No way, Vecchio. I won’t mock a man on his wedding day – I got morals.”
“Yeah, well, living among Canadians will do that to you,” Ray told him.
“Ain’t that the truth,” said Kowalski with a smirk at Benny. But Benny had gotten what he wanted, so he put the hat back on Kowalski’s head without saying anything, and gestured to Ray to lead the way.
“After you, Ray,” he said.
Ray dropped his towel where the sand was still dry and toed off his shoes; pulled off his shirt and left it on top.
“C’mon,” he said, turning to Benny. “This is great, you’ll see. The water’s warm, even in the morning.”
Benny nodded earnestly, but another impenetrable look passed between him and Kowalski. He squinted up at the sun.
“Won’t I burn?” he asked, poised to take off his shirt but not doing it.
Kowalski flicked a lightning-fast look at Ray then shook his head. “Not this early. Let’s go – I’ll come down to the water with you so I can see if I need to call the coastguard. Or backup.”
Benny hesitated just for a second longer before nodding and pulling his shirt off over his head.
He was so pale he almost glowed in the Florida sun, and Ray was about to tease him for it when he turned to drop his shirt and he saw the bullet scar on his back. Right next to the T4 vertebra, wherever that is - It’s in the thoracic region, he heard in his head. There are things you don’t forget, even when you’ve never seen them before.
He swallowed hard and looked away. Kowalski was watching him, face unreadable behind his sunglasses.
Then Benny stepped between them and the moment passed. He probably knew what he was interrupting, because he put a hand on Ray’s shoulder and the other on Kowalski’s and said, “Shall we?” with the most irresistible smile he had. And that was pretty damn irresistible.
So the three of them walked down to the water’s edge together, and Kowalski stood in the breaking waves, Stetson on his head, and kept watch while they swam.
Ceremony
Ray was glad someone was filming the ceremony. It wasn’t that he thought he’d forget, just that there seemed to be too much to take in at once.
Stella wore a long silver gown and there were white flowers in her hair. As she walked towards him Ray was thinking: she is way outta your league, Raimundo, and hoping he could be good enough to her that she wouldn’t notice. He was dimly aware of Benny, quiet and reassuring at his side, producing rings at the right moment then melting away.
Ray’s voice broke just once when he was saying the vows. He had to stop, take a deep breath. Stella squeezed his hands and looked up at him, and he went on. Stella’s voice shook and her eyes were wet when it was her turn, but she didn’t pause.
He felt more like himself when the ceremony was done and they were married. This time last year, he’d been wondering how long he would survive. He’d been thinking, look at you, wanting to be the big hero. Go out and bring down the mob – ha, big joke. See how heroic you feel in your shallow grave in the sand. But now here he was. Arms full of Stella – Stella who was his wife now, God – surrounded by his friends; and the only sand here was fine, white sand from the beach.
He didn’t cry, of course he didn’t cry. But Stella pulled him into their room for a while when she saw how he was feeling and after that it was ok. She never said anything, but when they rejoined the party something about the way she smiled managed to imply they’d been making love. So he got to pass for a big stud rather than the undercover guy who wasn’t over it. As if he needed any more reasons to love Stella.
There was a lot of champagne, and every time Stella left his side he found that Benny or Frannie, and once Kowalski, had appeared to take her place. Kowalski didn’t talk a lot, just raised his glass and said, “Congratulations. I think you guys will be good together.”
“Yeah. Thanks.” Ray said. He knew it was kind of a big deal, Kowalski saying that, but he was all out of conversation. Kowalski didn’t seem to expect him to say anything though; he just stood quiet next to him and watched the party.
There were speeches after dinner. Stella’s sister Emily replaced the father of the bride with stories of Stella as a teenager that Ray was pretty sure their dad had never heard. Emily was as classy as Stella so it was all implied, nothing to shock anyone’s ma. But she got a lot of laughs in between telling everyone how much she loved her sister, and how happy she was for the both of them.
Stella spoke too. Ray never took his eyes off her the whole time she was on her feet. He only knew what she said because she’d gone through it with him the night before. He probably looked like a love-struck fool, the guy who got the woman of his dreams and was just waiting to wake up. Which was pretty much what he said, when it was his turn to make a speech. But apparently that was exactly what a just-married man was supposed to say, because there was a lot of cheering and raising of glasses to Stella all the way through.
Maybe there was a good reason a just-married man was supposed to say all that, because when Ray sat down he felt more clear-headed, like he’d told everyone what they needed to know and letting it out had cleared some space.
So the speech he remembered best was Benny’s, which started by apologizing for all the obscene jokes he wasn’t going to tell, and the embarrassing stories about Ray he felt it would be unfair to share since they were actually his fault. He thought that Ray probably knew what he wasn’t going to say, and hoped that since he’d been given the honor of serving as best man anyway, then Ray would forgive the omission of these traditional elements from his speech. And he followed up with some mushy stuff about Ray’s courage and loyalty, and how he stuck by people and stood up for what he believed, so Ray couldn’t look at him until he’d stopped. Everyone else liked it though, and Stella wrapped her arms round him and kissed his temple when he wouldn’t look up, and everybody cheered. He only managed to meet Benny’s eye when he’d finished and was raising his glass for the toast. Benny nodded to him just once, and Ray nodded back.
First dance
Afterwards there was a band, and dancing. Stella was a great dancer. Ray always thought he could hold his own; nothing special maybe, but perfectly respectable. Next to Stella, he didn’t look so respectable – more like a shuffling old guy. But she still insisted that it was him she wanted to be dancing with on their wedding night, even once they’d done the obligatory first dance and about 18 more too. Finally she went to take a turn with someone else, and Ray sank into a chair next to Benny to watch.
He drained a glass of water at one gulp. “You having a good time?” he asked Benny.
“Very much so, yes. It’s a wonderful wedding, Ray.”
“Good. No one bullying you to dance with them?” He was thinking of his cousins, and that divorced girlfriend of Stella’s, but before Benny could answer, Kowalski appeared in front of them. No one had to bully him to dance, that was for sure. He was practically beating women off with a stick once they saw how he moved. Ray could see how him and Stella must have been good together, back then.
He slid to a halt with some fancy Travolta move, knees almost touching Benny’s.
Benny smiled up at him. “Hi, Ray,” he said.
“Heeeey Ben! You – you need to dance with me,” he announced.
Benny put his head on one side like he was working something out. “Are you drunk, Ray?” he asked, ever the master deflector.
“Yes I am, my friend. It is bad manners not to get drunk at a wedding – looks like you ain’t enjoying yourself. Which you oughta know, being so big on the whole politeness thing. So c’mon, dance with me…”
Ray saw Benny’s gaze flick up to scan the room, cop-style, like he was watching out for trouble, before turning to him, then back to Kowalski.
“I don’t want to scandalize anybody, Ray,” he said.
“Who’s scandalized? You don’t dance that bad,” Kowalski retorted. “Maybe they’ll pity you for having no natural rhythm, but I can help you with that if you let me lead.”
Benny looked over to Ray again, though whether for permission or escape he couldn’t tell. Stella saved him from having to decide by flopping into the chair on his other side, flushed from dancing. Her hair was coming down in loose curls about her face, and Ray didn’t think he’d ever seen her more beautiful. It took him a moment to remember what they’d been talking about.
“Kowalski’s looking for a dance partner. You up for it?” he asked her. The second the words had left his mouth he didn’t know why he’d said it, but Stella’s face told him it had been the right thing to say.
“I’d love to Ray, really, but just give me a minute to get my breath back…”
Everyone looked at Ray again as if he was the man with all the answers. So he got to his feet without giving himself time to think about it, and held out a hand to Kowalski.
“C’mon then,” he said.
Kowalski let out a surprised laugh and took it. “See? I’m in demand,” he shot back to Benny as they took to the dance floor. “You missed your chance now…”
Ray had a second to enjoy the look of blank surprise on Benny’s face before he had to concentrate on not stepping on Kowalski’s feet as he let him lead.
Ray stopped to make a request of the band before he let Kowalski steer them back to the table.
“I wanna dance this next one with Benny,” he yelled into Kowalski’s ear, “then he’s all yours, ok?”
Kowalski nodded, spun them back and dipped him perfectly in between Benny and Stella as the song faded out and Blondie’s Heart of Glass kicked in.
Stella was laughing as he righted himself.
“Blondie? Did you put him up to this?” she asked Kowalski.
Kowalski was grinning. “No way – man’s got good taste all by himself, Stel.”
“We used to dance to this all the time when we were in high school!” she told Ray.
“Well, what are you waiting for? You show us your disco and we’ll show you ours,” he said letting go of Kowalski and pulling Benny to his feet.
Benny was grinning at him as Ray yelled over the music: “You owe me!”
“What for?” Benny yelled back.
“For saving you from dancing with a guy,” Ray told him.
Benny remembered all right. His grin got bigger. “It would appear that I am still dancing with a guy,” he said.
“Yeah. You betcha,” said Ray.
There was an admiring circle around them by the time they were done, who all burst into whoops and cheers as the song ended.
“Thanks for the dance, Ray,” said Benny. He was half smiling but there was something serious about his face all the same. Ray inclined his head and handed him off to Kowalski, as formal as he remembered how to do it.
He put his arms around Stella and she held him tight. Next time he looked up, Benny and Kowalski were half-hidden in a corner, dancing wrapped round each other all up close and personal in a way you would never get away with at the St Fortunata school dance. But then this wasn’t the St Fortunata school dance, so Ray didn’t see a problem there.
The Morning After
Even Stella went back to sleep after lunch the next day, but Ray was still too wired on being married, and having everybody there. He lay in the shaded bedroom next to her with the emotion high in his throat, until her breathing deepened and she fell asleep with her hair spread over the pillow. Then he kissed her shoulder and slipped out into the afternoon light.
He found Benny sitting on the steps looking out to sea. Kowalski was sprawled out beside him, tousled head in his lap, sound asleep like a kid. Ray hesitated for a second then went over to join them. What the hell, he thought: I got married yesterday, I can crowd in on something if I want, right?
Benny turned as he approached and gave him one of those open, guileless smiles that made your heart ache for hoping no one did anything to wipe if off his face.
“Hi, Ray,” he said as Ray sat down beside him. Ray felt a rush of love so fierce he couldn’t say anything for a second and had to squeeze his shoulder instead.
“He asleep?” he asked after a moment.
Benny looked down at Kowalski with an inward smile and nodded.
Ray said, “Yeah, everyone’s asleep pretty much. ‘Cept you, me and my uncle Bruno who’s drinking daiquiris like they’re going out of fashion, so I don’t give him long.”
“It was a wonderful wedding, Ray. You both seem – you both seem very happy down here together. And very suntanned,” he added, holding out a forearm so pale it looked blue next to Ray’s Florida tan.
“Yeah, we are happy,” laughed Ray. “And everyone in the world is suntanned next to you.”
“Well, you weren’t giving us a chance, doing this in Florida in February. I don’t think it was really fair, in fact.”
Ray noticed the us, glanced down to make sure Kowalski was really out for the count. He’d caught the sun, or maybe it was just the flush of sleep. Strange to think Stella must have looked down at that face in sleep so many times, and now here he was, the guy who’d been him, sleeping in Benny’s lap. He wasn’t sure which part of that was weirder.
“You guys look like you’re doing pretty good too. Apart from the suntan, but, you know…” he shot Benny a sidelong look to see if he’d take the invitation; saw him fighting back another smile as his gaze flicked down to Kowalski.
“Yeah, I think we are,” he said.
“You never really told me how all this happened,” Ray prompted, trying for casual, no pressure here, just two guys chewing the fat. He got a extra-special, patented, innocent Canadian look for that, but it didn’t hurt to ask, right?
Ray had always thought that locker room sex talk was pretty cheap, and the guys who talked a lot were probably making up for something. But he remembered, even though it seemed a long time ago now, how talking about the girl you love with a good, close friend, a friend who you trust, added a whole extra dimension of pleasure. It was a small thing, but he’d missed that, falling in love the second time. He’d had no-one there to hear the she said, then I said, and then I… Oh, he’d more or less told Benny the story on the phone. But some things you couldn’t say on the phone. And then, he wanted Benny’s story too, and for that he did his best coaxing face-to-face.
“Yeah,” he said, pretending not to notice the innocent Mountie face. “So how did you guys – uh, you know? I mean, how’d you convince him to move to Canada?”
Benny understood the real question alright, but he said: “His instinctive love for universal healthcare and the music of Bryan Adams, I think, Ray.”
Ray had to stifle his laugh so as not to wake the man whose taste in music was being slandered. Man, he missed Benny sometimes. But he didn’t say anything, just waited to see what else was coming. He had time. He could hear the ocean in front of them and seagulls wheeling overhead. Behind him in the villa was Stella, asleep with his ring on her finger.
At length Benny said: “We did some travelling in Canada, and then ran up an enormous phone bill when he went back to Chicago. It, um, it became apparent that there were still things we hadn’t…discussed. So I flew down, and…”
“Yeah, some things you gotta say face to face, huh?”
“Yes. Some things you do.”
They listened to the roar of the ocean for a moment. Then Ray said, “So can I ask you something?”
Benny turned to look at him, face open, like he trusted Ray would only ever ask him an honest question.
“Why didn’t you tell me you like guys too? I mean, I know you don’t talk so much about any of this stuff - ” he made a gesture that took in the villa; the porch; the ocean; as if it all meant love and sex and intimacy. Which for Ray, a day married, maybe it did.
Benny bent his head, seemed to study his knees. He nodded like it was inevitable Ray was going to ask, but he didn’t answer right away.
“It was all quite theoretical, who I liked, while I was in Chicago, actually,” he said finally.
“Till you met him?”
“Till I met him. And even then, I – well, let’s just say I didn’t make the first move.”
Then the first sentence sunk in, and Ray was torn between following up quite theoretical and pressing for an account of how that first move got made. Start at the beginning, he figured.
“Only quite theoretical? So not, like, completely theoretical?” Because when he needed it, Ray’s innocent could give Benny’s innocent a run for its money.
Benny cleared his throat. “Ray, it wouldn’t be…”
“Hey, I’m not asking you to name names! I’m just, you know, interested in what’s been going on with you! I just got married, so I think I get to ask my best friend some personal questions, right?”
Benny looked confused for a second like he couldn’t quite see how those things went together.
“Ok, look – that doesn’t matter. You’re right, it’s none of my business. I’m just wondering – if you didn’t mention it because, what, you thought I’d have a problem with it?” Ray asked gently.
“Because…because I don’t know how to talk about these things without being indiscreet, Ray! I don’t know how to talk about these things at all, actually.” He paused, fingers still moving slowly through Kowalski’s hair like he’d forgotten he was doing it. “No, I didn’t really think you’d have a problem with it, but at the same time it seemed like a risk that there was nothing to be gained from taking. Your friendship is very important to me, so telling you about a side of me that I wasn’t even practicing seemed…unnecessary. Which was probably cowardly of me, but…”
“Nah, c’mon – you don’t have to tell anyone anything if you don’t want to. It’s fine. I just wanted you to be clear I don’t have a problem with anything about you, ok?”
“I know, Ray.”
“Ok then. Good,” Ray said, and put his arm back round Benny’s shoulders. He felt Benny relax into him very slightly. Neither of them spoke for a moment.
“I missed you, you know, Ray. I thought about you a lot,” Benny said eventually.
“Yeah, I missed you too. I hated having to leave like that, without saying goodbye. But they needed someone right away, and it just felt like it was a thing I had to do, you know? It was important, and I had to do it.” Some nights I dream I’m still doing it, he didn’t add.
“And I admire you very much for it. You put yourself in danger and you did a good thing. I worried about you,” Benny said.
“Thanks, Benny,” he was all choked up all of a sudden. “I worried about you too, actually. More for this sort of thing,” - he ducked his head imprecisely at Kowalski – “Than that sort of thing, but hey. Looks like I didn’t need to, right?”
Benny shook his head solemnly.
“I mean, this is obviously nothing like – like last time, right?” He didn’t need to say her name.
Benny turned to him then, face fallen. “Oh no, Ray. God, no. Nothing like – last time.”
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have…”
“No, it’s alright. If anyone can bring that up, it’s you, Ray…”
“No, I don’t want to bring anything up. It’s done, over. No one saw it coming – I didn’t see it, you didn’t see it, so, y’know, I got nothing to bring up.” No bullet scars he wished he hadn’t seen.
Benny nodded slowly, straightened his shoulders and didn’t say anything.
“But now – this is different. He’s good for you, right?”
He didn’t expect more than a nod, but Benny’s hand came up to smooth Kowalski’s hair again and he said, “He’s wonderful, Ray,” with quiet intensity.
“Yeah? Well Stella says he’s a good guy. Kinda intense, but you can probably handle that,”
“Probably,”
“Still, though - ” he nudged an elbow into his side to get Benny to look at him. “If he hurts you, I’ll kill him.”
“Ray!” he admonished, but he wasn’t really scandalized. That hand in Kowalski’s hair was still moving gently. “I think it’s much more likely to be the other way around. This isn’t really my area of expertise, you know.” He flicked a deep blue gaze at Ray. “In fact, Diefenbaker maintains that I must be a terrible person to be in – to be in,” he cleared his throat, and Ray could really feel where the wolf was coming from for a second.
“To be in love with,” he supplied.
Benny twisted a smile and ducked his head rather than acknowledge out loud that anyone might be in love with him, even with the evidence asleep in his lap. “But then, he might be biased by Ray’s more relaxed attitude to feeding refined sugars to animals. All I know is, they’ve formed a bond that casts doubt on his objectivity in the matter.”
“Well, if the wolf’s right I’ll put Stella on it, ok?” he told him. “I’m trusting you to call me up and confess if you screw it up.”
“Ok, Ray. You have my word of honor.” He said it with his best deadpan, but Ray knew the secret of that was that sometimes he actually meant it.
Ray pressed his shoulder warm up against Benny’s and didn’t say anything else. They sat side by side, looking out at the bright water, and Ray turned the wedding band round and round on his finger.
They hadn’t been sitting there long when Frannie came outside and padded over to join them. She either didn’t notice or didn’t care that Kowalski was asleep, because her, “Hey you guys!” was chirpy enough that it made Ray jump, and he’d watched her walk over.
Ray shushed her. “Keep it down! Your substitute brother is asleep.”
But Kowalski was already lifting his head. “…s’okay, I was already awake. I got a sixth sense for when someone tries to make Fraser talk about his feelings; it’s like the Bat Signal.”
He shifted so he was flat on his back and put his head back in Benny’s lap. Benny smiled down at him. “You were pretending to be asleep?”
“Yeah. Wanted to hear what you’d say about me,”
“Ray! I would never say anything about you that I wouldn’t say in front of you!”
“I’m kidding! I know that. I wouldn’t wanna listen if I thought I’d hear stuff I didn’t like. What am I, an idiot?”
“So what did he say?” asked Frannie, all curiosity.
“Oh, basically how I’m the light of his life and he doesn’t deserve me, no big deal. Sort of hearts and flowers stuff I tell him all the time,” Kowalski said, but he was looking up at Benny all starry-eyed as he said it.
“You do,” Benny agreed, looking down at him. He had his deadpan voice on still.
“Hey, Vecchio – you wanna ask me if my intentions are honorable?”
“Nah, I’m gonna trust you,” Ray said. But then he added, “But if you hurt him, I’ll kill you, ok?”
“Yeah, ok, sure,” said Kowalski amiably. “And, you know, right back atcha. Shake on it.” He reached an arm up over his head and across Benny, and Ray shook his hand upside down. He didn’t miss Benny’s eye-roll.
“Would you like to threaten anybody, Francesca, or can we move on?”
“No, I’m good thank you,” she said primly. “Someone in this family has to behave like civilized people, don’t they?”
“And you’re doing a fine job of that, if I may say so,”
Ray found he was speaking in time with Kowalski when he said, “Shut up, Benny,” and Benny and Frannie smirked at each other like that just proved their point. Then Benny’s gaze dropped back to Kowalski like he couldn’t stop looking.
“Are your intentions honorable, Ray? I don’t think you’ve ever said,” he asked, smoothing Kowalski’s eyebrow with one finger.
For all that he was flat on his back with Benny looming over him, Kowalski gave him a grin that was all wolf. Like he was saying, oh yeah, I got you right where I want you.
“Whadda you think?” he asked.
Benny took a moment as if he had to think about that. “I think I’ll probably go along with Ray and trust you,” he said finally.
“Yeah?”
“Yes, I think so,”
“S’a good call. How ‘bout you? You got honorable intentions, Ben?”
Benny did his little pause again, like he was taking a moment to really ask himself that question for the first time and he wanted to get the answer right. He even put his head to one side, looked Kowalski up and down – really milked it. Ray was impressed.
“Well, I’d have to admit that right now, in this precise moment, honorable isn’t actually the first word that springs to mind, no.”
It wasn’t the first word springing to Ray’s mind either, although he’d have bet money it was pretty near the top at other moments. Right now though, he was startled to realize that his innocent Canadian friend Benny – his naïve, Boy Scout friend Benny – was sitting there cool as you like and issuing a very respectable come-on. No, scratch that – it was more like: I wanna do you right here right now. Ray realized he had his mouth open, and shut it before he said anything dumb like, “Way to go!”
But Frannie wasn’t worried about saying anything dumb. “Jeez, get a room already, will you?”
Kowalski sat up suddenly, all energy, never taking his eyes off Benny. “Shut up, Frannie. Take me swimming, Ben. I gotta try swimming in the ocean, right? Come with me so I don’t drown.”
If Ray had ever seen one person want to kiss another, he was seeing it now. But Benny didn’t do it; he just nodded and pulled them both to their feet.
“We’ll see you later,” he said, and he never took his eyes off Kowalski either.
Ray and Frannie watched them go down to the beach, close together but not quite touching till they were on the sand. When Benny pulled Kowalski off balance into a kiss that meant business, Ray wondered if he ought to look away. But it didn't seem weird any more, plus the sun was low and they were just silhouettes against the sky so he thought it was alright. This was a wedding party, after all, and wedding parties were all about public displays of affection.
As they got closer to the ocean he had to squint to see them against the light reflected off the water. He couldn’t tell which of the tiny figures was which any more once they waded in, but he could see they were holding on to each other as they slowly went deeper.
Ray stood up then.
“I’m gonna go see if Stella’s awake,” he said, and slipped back into the dim coolness of the villa, where his wife was waiting for him.