Chapter Text
—-Intro—-
(Cut to bus stop, standing are Kyle, Stan, and Kenny all in that order. Cartman comes running from the right, he breaths heavily before shouting at the 3 boys)
CARTMAN(out of breath)
You guys! They fucking shut down those gay hotlines for people who kill themselves!
KYLE
What? Why would you care?
STAN (agreeing)
Yeah and how do you even know? I don’t get politics on my TikTok feed anymore, it’s all just stupid videos.
KENNY (muffled)
Mgjfockjgjgpgmmg
KYLE
Haha yeah I saw that video too!
CARTMAN
NO! You guys this is super serious! I have like no one to vent to anymore! I mean who am I gonna tell when my mom tells me I can’t stay up late again?!
KYLE
Maybe don’t stay up late, fatass.
STAN
Wait, why would you even use those hotlines? You aren’t even gay.
CARTMAN
Why would I- do you even hear yourself?! Duh because they're the only hotlines that put up with your crap! You just tell them “I’m super gay and super wanting to kill myself!” And they listen to you!
KYLE
Don’t normal hotlines do that too?
CARTMAN
Shut up Kyle it’s totally different!!
KENNY (muffled)
Mphph mmh hmhmhmmhmh
STAN
Yeah dude Craig and Tweek might kick your ass if they find out you’re pretending to be gay.
CARTMAN
Oh come on guys, I was transginger once! That counts as something! Besides I’m like super cool with Craig and Tweek they don’t care.
(Bus rolls in and blocks view of the 4 boys.)
(Scene now cuts to in school. Cartman is surprisingly once again running down the hallway. Craig and Tweek are seen at their lockers chatting. Cartman stops in front of them panting heavily out of breath)
CARTMAN
C-Craig! Tweek! We are going to get through this together ok guys?!
(Craig and Tweek just silently look at eachother)
CRAIG
What are you talking about?
CARTMAN
What? Oh god not you guys too! All the gay shit happening! This morning those gay hotlines were like banned or something!
TWEEK
Argh! W-What would we have anything to do with that?!
CARTMAN
Duh because you’re gay! You can’t tell me you don’t use them too!
CRAIG
You use gay hotlines?
CARTMAN
Wha- I.. oh shit up Craig no I don’t! I’m just saying like you guys are probably like freaking out over all the homophobic shit going around lately. Not safe these days.
(Before Craig can speak Tweek interrupts him)
TWEEK
Actually I have been ARGH! reading the news lately.. I-I’m trying not to freak out..
CRAIG
Just ignore Cartman, honey.
CARTMAN
GOD DAMN IT CRAIG! I’m seriously! If it starts with a hotline then soon you two won’t be able to do butt stuff! Trumps gonna kill you both, now that he’s fucking Satan he’s gonna do it!
(Cartman yells at them and Tweek twitches more in fear before dropping his stuff and screaming as he runs down the hall. Craig looks between them baffled and frowns)
CRAIG
Damn it! Tweek! Honey!
(Craig shouts before chasing after him.
(Cut to interior of Satan and Trumps bedroom. Satan is laying on the bed, pregnant with his reading glasses on and a phone in his hands. Trump enters the room and takes off his pants to reveal his micro penis. He smiles widely and gets into bed.)
TRUMP
Ohhh Satan!
(Before Trump can even finish Satan holds up his phone to show him articles)
SATAN
What’s this? Why are you against gay rights?
TRUMP
Oh that? Come on don’t worry about that! It’s just political stuff!
SATAN
I think I should worry about it. We are gay.
TRUMP
Ey guy! Who says we have to be gay?
SATAN
Uhh because we are both men? That makes us gay.
TRUMP
Oh come on Satan you aren’t a guy! You’re pregnant!
(Satan gets off the bed to reveal his large stomach and sounds obviously mad)
SATAN
What does me being pregnant have to do with me being a guy?! Clearly a man can get pregnant.
(He gestures to his belly)
TRUMP
Guy, relax!! Forget about it! Come on, get back in bed! Who’s my cream puff?
SATAN
You know I’m starting to think this whole relationship was a bad idea.
(Trump begins to rub his nipples as he lowers his voice)
TRUMP
Ey relax! You know I didn’t mean it like that! Of course you’re a pregnant guy! Get back in bed! You know you want to!
(Satan just loudly sighed and sat back down in bed, Trump smiled in success and leaned in to rub Satan's belly)
(Scene change to South Park Elementary. Craig looked around before he opened a closet to see Tweek on his phone with a fearful look. Craig sighed and looked down)
CRAIG
Honey, there you are. Come on we are going to be late to class.
TWEEK
GAH! Craig why haven’t we seen this?! The president is trying to make us dogs!
CRAIG
Tweek don’t listen to Cartman or TikTok! You’re just going to worry yourself all over again.
TWEEK
AGH! Craig the world hates us!
CRAIG
Babe, that's not true. Remember last week? Those people kept staring at us and giggling?
(Tweek noticeably calms down and twitches)
TWEEK
Y-yeah.. but what about our rights?! What about the president and-
CRAIG
The president is fucking Satan, Tweek. If we’re bad then he’s worse. Come on, it’s pizza Friday.
(Craig holds out his hand and after a moment Tweek stands up and takes his hand.)
(Scene cut to Tweek and Craig walking down a side walk holding hands. Tweek is visibly nervous, looking around and twitching. Craig has a smile as he leads them)
CRAIG
Now babe I know you’re still freaking out about what Cartman said but I know how to make you feel better. I asked Garrison and PC principal and I think I have the perfect solution.
TWEEK
Argh.. as long as it’s not a fidget spinner…
(Both boys walk up to a house and knock on the door. Slow pan fades up form feet to reveal Mr Slave. He looked down at the gay boys and covered his mouth a bit)
MR. SLAVE
Oh Jesus Christ..
BIG GAY AL
Sweetie, who's at the door?
(Al comes walking over and Craig waves)
CRAIG
Hello.
BIG GAY AL
Well hello to you too! Do you need a cup of sugar?
CRAIG
No. I need you to tell my boyfriend that the president isn’t going to kill gay people.
MR SLAVE
Oh Jesus Christ… come in
(Craig and Tweek walk into their home and sit on the couch. Mr Slave and Big Gay Al sit across from them)
BIG GAY AL
Listen boys, don’t let all of the news get you so depressed.
TWEEK
AGH! How?! Everyone wants us dead!
MR SLAVE
That’s just what they want you to think. They can’t stop you from being gay, and like they hate that.
TWEEK
I don’t want them or hate us!! what if they ban gay marriage! O-or worse what if they-
CRAIG
Honey!
BIG GAY AL
They can’t kill all of us can they? How about if you two are worried again just come over for dinner.
(Craig and Tweek look up at Big Gay Al and think over his words. They nod and Tweek tugs at his collar)
TWEEK
T-that sounds good..
CRAIG
Thank you.
(End scene Craig and Tweek leave their house and walk down the sidewalk holding hands.)