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Steve walked into Tony's workshop and stared at the sight before his eyes.
He took a minute to double check that he wasn't having some sort of horrific nightmare or hallucinating (he wasn't. unfortunately) and then stared some more.
"Tony. What am I looking at?"
Tony's head jerked up from the small bundle of complicated looking wires and circuitry that he'd been wrestling with to blink dazedly at Steve.
"Huh? What-? Oh, yeah, they're fucking. You know the thingy that makes babies. Except these guys wouldn't, well, at least, not without my involvement."
Steve waited for a moment for further explanation. When it was apparent that no more was coming he sighed and asked.
"Tony. Why am I looking at two robots fuck?"
Tony snickered at him.
"Ooooh, Captain America said 'fuck'."
Steve rolled his eyes and grimaced, "Tony. Explain."
Tony rolled at his eyes before waving at Dummy who, Steve realized with a jolt, had been sitting off to the side watching the two robots thrusting at each other the entire time.
"Dummy here, the loverbot he is, has the hots for this AI drone at MIT and wanted new equipment for funtimes with his new buddy and so now we're testing out how it works."
Steve stared at the (insane) man for a long hard moment. He considered if maybe Loki had gotten better at avoiding Tony's security system and somehow cast a spell on him and/or Tony. Except, the sad thing was, this actually did sound like something Tony would do.
"You're making your robot fake genitals parts so that he can have sex with another robot."
"And circuitry. No use just going through the motions after all," Tony added, waving about the jumble of wires in his hands. Then he stroked some random wire and commented, "I was thinking about calling this part the S-spot. You know, like the G-spot, except S for Stark instead of G."
Steve thought about responding but then he looked around again at Dummy intently observing two fucking machines going at each other while his creator built circuitry designed to let Dummy and his robot friend do the same. He had nothing to say.
"Anyways, enough about Dummy's sex life. What did you come down here for?" Tony asked. Steve shook his head and sighed.
"SHIELD sent us a file on a new villain calling himself Eye-scream who's been robbing various banks in New York."
"Eye-scream? What kind of lame name is that?" Tony asked scornfully, putting down the jumble of robot sex circuitry. Steve shrugged. "I think it's because he can turn himself into ice cream."
For several seconds, Tony just gaped at him. Then his gaze turned contemplative.
"What flavor?"
"Tony!" Steve huffed. "Never mind. Anyways, we need to figure out a way of stopping him."
Tony shrugged.
"Okay. Can't be worse than Swarm. Ugh, sometimes I still hear the buzzing in my nightmares." Tony shuddered.
"Hey, Dummy! I want you to decide on a color already when I get back okay?"
Dummy whirred at his creator and Steve as they walked out debating whether it would still be considered cannibalism if the person was currently ice cream. Then he went back to watching the two fuck machines, well, fuck.
Extra: Tony Finds Out
"Jarvis, can you explain to me why I just had to justify to Pepper an order for a dozen fuck machines and other assorted sex toys?"
"Well, Sir, if I might direct your attention to Dummy..."
"...Is he...?"
"Attempting to fit various dildos on himself? Yes, Sir. He is."
"...."
Extra 2: MIT Gets A Visitor
"Woah, why's everyone crowding in here?"
"Tony Stark showed up and is currently turning our state of the art AI drone into a fucking machine so that his robot can have carnal relations with it."
"Gods, I fucking love this place. Which type of dildo is he hooking it up with? Does it vibrate? Bet our little wraithdart would love that."