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Long before the circus, there was a young kid who lived with his parents, before they were done with raising him throughout adulthood. That kid would occasionally have nightmares, or some other weird dreams. waking up in shock and panic.
One night, he went to his mother sobbing, searching for any form of comfort. She told him to stop his whining, and that he's fine. it was all just a dream, it didn't matter. She then fell back asleep, while the young boy stood there, not knowing what else to do but to just repeat that statement in his head.
It was all just a dream, it didn't matter.
--
Years later, there were colors flashing throughout his vision, his "new body" complimenting the eyesore of whatever kind of circus this was. The weird amalgamation of teeth and eyes kept chattering, all while this new rabbit was confused and terrified with what was happening, as he observes the other colorful avatars.
He was at that abandoned office, and now he was here because of that headset. How can he leave? He can't leave? Why can't he remember his name?!
In this familiar state of panic among the unusual and overwhelming surroundings he was now in, he snapped, remembering what he would always tell himself whenever he ended up like this.
This was all just a dream, and he's actually somewhat satisfied, for once that he was able to recognize that before waking up.
He has always wanted to try lucid dreaming to face these sorts of outlandish dreams and nightmares, but he couldn't really get the resources to get a dream journal, or even a comfortable bed after... well.
But there's no time to dwell on that past, because This rabbit's got a new name, and his name is Jax. Sure enough, he'll eventually wake up from this dream, and he'll be back in the dull, real world.
As Jax laid down in his new bed, he wondered how he ended up in such a lucid state without any prior knowledge. Maybe there were some psychedelics hidden in the scraps that he ate from before he slept at that building for the night...
Whatever the case may be, Jax continued to reassure himself that he won't be in this weird colorful toy-box for long.
It's all just a dream, it doesn't matter.
--
As this dream kept going on and on, Jax has made two new friends, the frog and the rag-doll, both respectively named Ribbit and Ragatha. He didn't expect his mind to create such unique individuals, but that's probably just what happens when one has to go to different places, meeting all sorts of people.
But these two didn't give him looks of pity, or spat at him, although Ragatha definitely did the former when he first ended up here, but she does that with every new member who arrives. Ribbit was the friend that Jax always wanted to hang out with throughout his life, a friend he had not had in a long, long while. It's very easy to lose contact with your high school "friends" when you can no longer afford cell service.
While his two friends were different from one another, their kindness was something that Jax never thought his own mind could conjure up, with Ragatha's occasional words of affirmation picking him up when she notices him feeling down, or Ribbit coming up with ideas for what to do for the next adventure planned out.
Sometimes, Jax lays in his bed, worrying about something happening to these two friends of his, almost as if they were real people, and not a product of his overactive imagination. There is this strange phenomenon that occasionally happens, which is known as "abstraction", but that only happens with the people Jax doesn't care about, which reassures him that they won't be going away anytime soon.
It's all just a dream, it doesn't matter.
--
Jax watches in horror as he witnesses his friend transforming into an amalgamation of those familiar black spikes and multicolored eyes. All while his friend hits him with painful insults that hit too close to the home he never lived in.
Why did I tell him about my life before the circus? Jax shouts to himself as his corrupted friend continues to shout at him about the many things he told them, using his vulnerability against him.
He had to run back to his bed, involuntarily letting tears fly out of his eyes, knowing that his friend was inevitably going to be in the cellar the next day. When Jax made it to his bed, his non-existent lungs felt so heavy, burning up to his throat as he kept repeating that mantra he grew up with.
It's all just a dream, it doesn't matter.
--
Jax has become numb to the pain of pinching himself when it was time to set up the funeral for Ribbit. He wanted to get it over with, but Ragatha was not happy with Jax running away from his friend, and she had a lot to say to him about it.
They bickered for a while as the picture frame of the former smiling frog looked at them, neither of which ever having the emotional capability to look back.
That bickering eventually turned into a full on argument, the other members deciding to host the funeral somewhere else, letting these two shout at each other for the remaining day, with no one else listening to them.
After that long day was over, Jax slouches onto his bed, dreading the next day. First, he had his first adventure without his best friend, but the next day, his only other friend will be there, but never the same as before. The apologies and the looks of pity will continue after their heated argument, and Jax couldn't do anything about it. All he could do now was reassure himself that this will surely end at some point.
It's all just a dream, it doesn't matter.
--
A new member has come to replace the old one. A spiral of ribbons with a porcelain smiling mask. Oh wait, make that a porcelain crying mask, as the former one was now shattered on the floor.
Ragatha naturally kept being nice to her, like she always did whenever a new member arrived, but she sounded a lot more forced than usual. Jax couldn't tell if she's changed, or that she's always been like this, and he just saw her in a different way at the time.
Whatever the case may be, he didn't care about her anymore, and she couldn't bring herself to care about him too, no matter how many surface-level compliments and reassurances she threw at him.
As the ribbon timidly introduced herself, Jax's attention was brought back when she said that she loves anime, even if it is slice of life, the worst genre. But Jax couldn't find anyone in the real world who liked anime at all.
Maybe Jax could start becoming friends with her--
Wait, no, no. Jax cannot feel the similar pain that he felt moments ago. He knew for sure that no matter how much he cared about the people here, they will eventually turn away from him, much like how it was in the real world, when he became an adult.
But that didn't mean they couldn't still be buddies... Jax hated spending his adventures with Ragatha, what with her constant upbeat attitude and her unaddressed but still very present frustrations towards him. It just meant that he wasn't allowed to care about her, so when she inevitably abstracts, there won't be any sense of pain to it.
So Jax goes up to this set of ribbons and messes with her new body, pulling it around while ignoring Ragatha yelling at him. He found her whimpering hilarious, in contrast to the pain he would feel when his old friends were upset.
He dubbed this new plaything the name Gangle, as he continues to find joy in this newfound dynamic with this new player, a huge contrast to when he had first arrived, being presented with kindness from two certain players.
When the day was over, Jax laid in his bed relieved that he had a new buddy for these adventures, with a fresh new dynamic, as well. This time, Jax was in charge, and he didn't have to worry a thing about consequences, or how the other person felt.
Even though he felt a pang of guilt for causing such a degree of violence to someone, even though it gave him some twisted form of enjoyment, he pushed that guilt far away with the thoughts that kept him at bay.
It's all just a dream, it doesn't matter.
--
Countless days have passed, and Jax has become a part of what he used to call his dream. It very much still is though, even though he would never call it that to someone's face, that would just make him sound delusional.
Nah, he liked to call this dream a machine, home to many character archetypes, him being the funny one. A new character has arrived as well, and he can't wait to see what her archetype is supposed to be, and what she'll do when he messes with her.
"Oh, okay, now I get it!" The jester laughs. "This is a dream! And I should just play along until I wake up, right?"
That moment of dialogue threw him completely off guard. He had this face of horror as he recalled the start of this long, messed up dream machine he's become a part of.
He puts back on his typical grin as he washes away those thoughts. "...Whatever you say, kid." He responds.
Later on in the day, he continues teasing Pomni, the new player about the idea of living in a dream, even though he'll never admit that he very well might start calling this a dream if he dares to worry.
Jax won't ever have to worry about that happening again, because he's figured himself out. Him and the other two find out that Kaufmo abstracted, and he totally didn't feel any sort of care about it in the slightest, even though he didn't stay around for too long.
As the day comes to an end, Jax is laid onto his bed, trying to just sleep through this night without any particular thoughts.
However, this was no regular night. He could stew and think about Kaufmo, even though he never cared about him whatsoever, and was not affected by what had happened.
It's all just a dre-
No. Jax got rid of that childish mindset a long time ago, whatever he was a part of, he was in it for the long run, now. No non-lethal drug makes a psychedelic experience so lucid that it feels like it lasts for countless years.
But he can't admit that any of this is real, either, making him stuck in a damned pathway of thought. Jax just tries to fall back asleep, wondering how he's going to treat this new member in the upcoming adventures, but the thoughts of Kaufmo still stay present.
Jax promises to himself that this will be the last time he reassures himself with this outdated, delusional thought.
It's all just a dream, it doesn't matter.
--
A little less than a week has passed, and Jax caught himself having a panic attack, something he hadn't felt in a long time. He tried to calm himself down with the sound of running water, and that all too familiar thought he promised himself that he wouldn't think of again.
It's all just a dream, it doesn't matter.
Even though he can feel his heart pounding.
It's all just a dream, it doesn't matter.
Even though this isn't the first time he's felt this way here.
It's all just a dream, it doesn't matter.
Even though he never woke up after Ribbit's abstraction, or even their funeral.
It's all just a dream, it doesn't matter.
Jax eventually calms down, staring at his pathetic expression in the mirror. He brandishes his all too familiar grin and attitude, as he barely gets by through the end of the awards ceremony, going straight to his room right after.
The room was dark, and Jax kept it that way. He still couldn't handle the bright, flashy colors after his fight with the person he grew way too close to.
The wall is all that Jax looks at, as he is laid onto his side, in a bed that will probably no longer be his in a few days. He lets himself spiral, because despite knowing his fate in this circus, finally realizing that he will never truly be able to escape back to his dull, real life, he still continuously thinks with those thoughts that comforted him all those years, even though they are very contradictory to him now.
It's all just a dream, it doesn't matter.
It's all just a dream, it doesn't matter.
It's all just a dream, it doesn't matter.
It's all just a dream, it doesn't matter.
It's all just a dream, it doesn't matter.
It's all just a dream, it doesn't matter.
It's all just a dream, it doesn't matter.
It's all just a dream, it doesn't matter.
All my life is
Is a sad, pathetic dream.
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