Work Text:
Jinu Can’t Be The Wife — That’s Too Much Work
KPop Demon Hunters and all associated characters are property of Sony.
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Rumi bent forward, nails digging into Jinu’s shoulders as he thrust up into her. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head when he pressed his thumb against her clit, drawing circles on it.
“Jinu, Jinu, oh god, Jinu!” Rumi wailed, before collapsing atop him. She shuddered as he kept thrusting and teasing her clit, only letting up when he bent his head and kissed her collarbone, holding their hips flush together as he came.
Jinu, part-time demon, full-time asshole, all-around decent boyfriend, chuckled, tracing his long, steady fingers on the iridescent patterns on her hips. “Satisfied, your highness?”
She shivered at the low, teasing timbre of his voice. “Shut up,” she mumbled into his neck, tired but oh so satisfied. “You’re too good at this. Why are you so good?”
He hummed, running one hand up her back to hug her tightly. “Well… you make me better.”
“Please.” Rumi huffed fondly. “You were already amazing. I was the one that—”
“I mean as a person,” he gently cut her off. She stilled, lifting her head up to stare into his soft, brown eyes. He smiled, reaching his other hand up to cup her face. “I was drowning in darkness until I found you.”
Rumi sighed, smiling back as she clasped her hand over his. “Took a lot of effort to drag you out.”
“Too much.” Jinu looked away, until she turned him back to face her. “I didn’t deserve it.”
A lot of people would agree, Rumi mused. Celine still refused to be anywhere near Jinu without a weapon in hand. But, damn her for a fool, she saw the light in him. Even when he himself had thought he’d snuffed it out.
“…I want to be yours, Rumi.” He said softly, like it was a confession.
“You are mine,” she replied, delighting in the way his breath hitched, pupils dilating ever-so-slightly.
He gulped, Adam’s apple bobbing. “I-I mean officially. Legally.”
Rumi stilled, eyes widening. “Jinu… what are you saying?”
He muttered under his breath. “Ah, am I messing this up? I know that times have changed since I was born but—”
“Yes!” Rumi screamed, wrapping her arms around his neck and squeezing just shy of breaking something. “Oh my god, yes, yes!” She drew back just enough to pull him into a kiss. Many kisses. Loving and heated and content.
“Ok, ok!” Jinu laughed between kisses. “Thank you.” He let out a breath when Rumi finally stopped, flopping his arms on the bed. “Of course, we still need to make sure Mira and Zoey are okay with this. And”—he shivered—“Celine.”
Rumi shook her head with a grin. “As long as I’m happy, they’ll be happy.”
“Still.” He sat up, running a hand through his hair. “I just want them to know that I’m not stepping on their toes. We don’t have to really change anything. I just want us to be, you know...”
“I do. Oh!” She practically leapt off him. “Let’s go tell them the news!”
“Right now?” He asked, one brow arched high, a smarmy grin on his face as his eyes eagerly roved her naked body.
She froze, and looked down at herself. “Uh, well…”
“Because I don’t mind, your grace,” he got up as well, his patterns pulsing, shameless in his nudity. “But I know how much you like to keep these parts of your life separate.”
“Oh, shut up.” She pressed her hand against his face, shoving him back onto the bed as she marched for the bathroom. “You’re lucky I love you.”
“Don’t I know it,” he breathlessly replied, before following her in.
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Rumi barely got clean in the shower. She jumped Jinu’s bones twice before she was finally too exhausted to keep going. She was just so happy! Jinu – who needed a lot of work, to be fair – wanted to marry her!
She’d never really given marriage much of a thought. Forget her career as an idol, growing up with her patterns had curtailed all thoughts of intimacy. But now… her and Jinu. Bound together beyond their feelings and personal declarations.
Hand-in-hand, they exited Rumi’s room to the main living area. Zoey and Mira were sitting on the couch, the former scribbling and crossing out lyrics in her latest notebook, and the latter calmly leafing through some trashy romance novel.
Mira noticed them first, arching a brow. “Okay, what’s up?” she said as she set the book aside. “You two are all… smiley.” Zoey peeked up from her notebook, a suspicious frown on her face.
Rumi shared a dopey grin with Jinu, bouncing on her toes. “Well… we have something important to announce. Jinu and I–”
“Oh my god!” Zoey cried out. “You’re pregnant!”
Rumi’s glee vanished in favor of sheer mortification. “Woah, hey no!” she released Jinu’s hand to wave her own in front of her.
“That’s skipping quite a few steps,” Jinu said with an awkward chuckle.
Zoey blinked, but then she and Mira gasped in unison. The latter crawled forward on the couch. “You mean he finally…?” Rumi just nodded, her joy returning as her lips spread into a smile almost too big for her face.
Mira and Zoey squealed in unison, jumping off the couch and wrapping Rumi in a massive hug.
“Rumi, congratulations!” Zoey shrieked in her ear.
“Still think you could do better,” Mira teased with much, much less bite than when Rumi and Jinu first got together. “But he certainly can’t!”
Rumi sniffled, and didn’t bother hiding her tears. This was the happiest day of her life so far, and she was so glad that she could share it with the people she loved.
Jinu cleared his throat. “I take it you two approve?”
“Of course!” Zoey declared.
“For Rumi’s sake, if nothing else,” Mira snarked.
Rumi giggled as Jinu let out a breath, as though a great weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Although, he did mutter about Celine under his breath, so maybe it was a little too early to celebrate.
Still, he stepped closer with a bright smile, and gently wiped the tears from her face. “You alright, your majesty?”
Rumi was glad she was surrounded by Zoey and Mira, because the way he looked at her, the low dulcet tone of his voice, and the damn pet name? Ooh, she would have jumped him in a heartbeat.
“Just you wait!” Zoey clasped Rumi’s hands in her own. “Oh, I’ve filled up dozens of notebooks since you and Jinu first started–” she cut herself off, lips creasing into a frown as she rubbed Rumi’s knuckles.
Slowly, Zoey turned to Jinu, face set into a glare as she raised Rumi’s left hand. “...Where’s the ring?” Rumi blinked, only now registering the lack of an engagement ring. In her defense – sex was really good. Especially when you've gone without your entire adult life.
Still, she joined Zoey and Mira in giving her fiance the stink-eye.
Jinu blinked. “On her other hand?” He replied, gesturing to said appendage.
Rumi flicked her gaze down to her right hand. To the simple copper ring Jinu had gifted her for their 100th day anniversary. A centuries-old tradition commemorating a couple’s commitment – another sign that Jinu was positively ancient, if terribly sweet.
Jinu hummed, looking down at his feet as he rubbed his chin and stepped away. “Shoot. I did mess up.”
“Jinu, no.” Rumi separated from her girls to gently rub his cheek. “It’s fine, trust me.”
“...Engagement rings are a western tradition anyway,” Mira stated, sending Jinu a nod. “He can make up for it before the wedding.”
“Ooh, yes!” Zoey clapped her hands together, and pulled out five notebooks from… somewhere. “Now, I can put down deposits on six of these venues in the next hour.”
Rumi blinked. “What? Why?”
“Well… are you sure you’re not pregnant?” Zoey peered her up and down. “You’re looking a little bloated.”
“Excuse me?” Rumi gasped. “I am not bloated.”
“You are a little heavier around the hips,” Mira added.
“I am not!” Rumi stomped her feet. “Jinu, tell them!”
“What are you guys doing?” her fiance said, utterly flummoxed.
“Planning your wedding for you,” Zoey replied.
“W-Why?”
“Because you can’t be trusted,” Mira said. “You named your pets ‘Derpy’ and ‘Sussie’.” She snapped her fingers. “Speaking of, when you do get Rumi pregnant don’t even think about naming the baby.”
“No, I mean.” Jinu shook his head. “We’re having a wedding?”
They all paused, staring at Jinu. “Jinu,” Rumi cocked her head to the side. “Why wouldn’t we have a wedding?”
Jinu made to reply, but Zoey gasped. “Oh, oh no! No, no, no, no!” She marched forward and shoved her finger right in front of his face. “You are not about to just… elope with Rumi and have yourselves a civil wedding!” She aggressively held up her notebooks. “You will pick out a venue, Rumi will dress like a goddess, and you’ll sit through a fifty-course reception before getting to your honeymoon destination and making me an auntie!”
Jinu stumbled back. “What?! Since when do concubines get elaborate ceremonies?”
The air stilled.
Rumi looked at Jinu.
He looked at her, face pinched softly in confusion. Lips parted to ask a million questions.
And oh, she joked about it often, but sometimes it really was so easy to forget he was over four-hundred years old. That he became a man during a time when women were little more than property.
She was glad she was already crying. Though that didn’t stop Zoey from darting over and hugging her tightly, whispering assurances in her ear.
Mira didn’t hesitate, stomping forward and slugging Jinu to the ground. “I knew it!” She screeched.
“Bwah!” Jinu clutched his broken nose, voice muffled and nasally. “Knew what? Why did you hit me?!”
Mira bent down and grabbed him by the collar. “You disgusting, creepy… fogey!”
“What did you call me?” Jinu asked, prompting Mira to headbutt him. “Ah, the nose again!”
“Where do you get off?!” Mira roared.
“I’m just saying!” Jinu slurred through the pain. “Back in my day concubines didn’t get elaborate ceremonies.” He stared fearfully at Mira. “I didn’t think you’d care so much.”
Another headbutt. “Why the fuck wouldn’t I?!”
“Because since when does the wife care about celebrating the concubines?!” Jinu shouted.
The air stilled again. Rumi’s tumult of emotions came to a grinding halt, confusion pulling ahead.
Mira dropped Jinu—he let out a soft ‘oof’ as his head hit the floor. “The ‘wife’?” She repeated.
Jinu blinked dazedly up at her. “Are you not Rumi’s wife?” And, despite the pain, Rumi knew his question was rhetorical.
“…Rumi, your boyfriend’s broken. And trash. Broken trash.”
Rumi extracted herself from Zoey, quickly wiping her tears away as she approached Jinu. His nose had already healed — thank you demon metabolism — so he just wiped the blood off his face.
“Ah, Rumi.” He sighed, staring up at her with true remorse. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize concubines had been elevated so much.” He shook his head. “I should have known, though. Zoey is easily placed on the same level as Mira.”
“Why is Mira the only wife?” Zoey muttered.
“Okay, back-up,” Rumi declared, forcing herself to calm down. “Jinu. What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Aish.” He rubbed his nose. “I know why it had to be Mira, but really, Celine couldn’t have picked Zoey as the wife?”
“I am wife materi–ow!” Zoey hopped on one foot, glaring at Mira, who was glaring at Jinu.
“Jinu.” Rumi practically snarled. “Explain. Now!”
He got up. “Well, it started when I first came up with my idea to destroy the previous Honmoon.”
“You mean when you led demons to kill a little over–oof!” Mira bent over, glaring at Zoey, who was glaring at Jinu.
“I didn’t know you existed until I peeked into the human world. That the latest generations of Hunters were actual royalty this time.”
Rumi stepped back, eyes going wide. Oh… Oh he could not be serious.
He continued, oblivious to Rumi’s dawning horror. “I mean, really, Celine is lucky that one of her sisters bore a child – and it is nice that the modern era doesn’t really care about bastardry anymore.” Rumi blinked at the term. No one had ever referred to her like that so bluntly. Even the worst tabloids danced around the subject back when Rumi was born.
Jinu continued. “Though she clearly had to compensate for the fact that she herself never wed by bringing you and Mira together.”
“Is that supposed to be an insult?” Mira growled.
“Oh, c’mon.” Jinu huffed. “You love each other now, but you can’t deny that your family investing heavily in Celine’s court, and the court in turn promoting your family’s products, is the reason why you two were wed.”
Rumi knew exactly what Jinu was talking about. Mira’s family hadn’t exactly been willing to hand their daughter over to be an idol. Celine would have taken Mira in regardless – had been prepared to basically adopt her in the event she was disowned – but had wrung a business transaction out of it instead.
None of them liked thinking about it – thinking about Mira’s family in general made them feel sick. But… for a guy who spent time in a Joseon King’s court…
“You asshole!” Mira made to punch Jinu again, and Rumi just barely held her back. “Making it sound like I… I bought Rumi!”
Jinu flinched back. “I know, believe me. I still don’t understand how you nobles are comfortable trading lives like that.” He shrugged. “But you two came together in spite of that — it’s better than most.”
Even Mira’s anger faltered at the sheer sincerity in Jinu’s voice. He honestly saw nothing wrong with any of the words spewing out of his mouth.
“Hold on a damn minute!” Mira’s anger resurged as she broke out of Rumi’s grasp and stomped forward. “If Rumi and I are married, then where the hell do you get off trying to step in and, what, have an affair?!”
Jinu looked at her like she was crazy. “Rumi is royalty,” he said, and damn it all, Rumi had to fight the warmth pooling in her belly at the sincerity in his voice. “She can take as many lovers as she wants. Hell, you two share Zoey.” He nodded at Zoey, who had taken to crossing her arms and grumbling about being ‘wife material’.
“And I did inform you that I wished to sleep with Rumi before actually doing so.”
Oh god he had. Rumi looked down at the copper ring on her finger. Just after he gifted her the 100-day ring, after confirming that she did want to sleep with him, he said that he wanted to make sure Zoey and Mira, especially Mira, approved. He’d always walked on eggshells around them—always made sure Mira, at least, knew when he took her out on dates—but she attributed it to a healthy level of respect, and fear, towards her best friends… not… not this. Never this.
“Though now that we are talking about it,” Jinu crossed his arms and frowned at Mira and Zoey. “Do you two need some tips?”
Mira set her jaw. “Tips on…?”
“Pleasing Rumi?” Mira’s jaw dropped. “You two clearly don’t know what you’re doing.”
Rumi let out a whimper, the last of her dignity dying in a ditch.
“WHAT?!” Zoey screeched. “Okay, that’s it!” She marched forward and grabbed Jinu by the collar. “First you don’t think I can be a wife, and now you’re saying I’m bad at sex!”
“Who would make a penniless foreigner the wife?!” Jinu shot back. “And of course you’re bad at sex – Rumi had no idea what she was doing the first week we were together!”
Rumi wanted to die. She’d march straight to Celine, kneel under the tree, and beg her to actually go through with it this time.
“Fuck you!” Zoey bellowed. “I’d be an amazing wife! Way better than Mira!”
“Why’re you dragging me into this?!” Mira yelled.
Jinu peered at Zoey. “I had no idea you coveted the position so strongly. Mira,” he turned to her, “how is your poison taster?”
“Ok, enough!” Rumi screamed, the Honmoon rippling out around her for extra measure. “Zoey, let him go.”
Zoey sneered up at Jinu, before shoving him away. “I’m phenomenal at sex,” she grumbled. Rumi, for the sake of their friendship, ignored her.
“Jinu.” Rumi stepped closer to the man she loved – in spite of everything – and cradled his head in both hands. “Mira isn’t my wife. And Zoey isn’t my… concubine.”
“I’d be great at that too,” Zoey groused, until Mira shoved a cushion in her face.
Jinu looked at her – really looked at her. “They’re…not?” Rumi shook her head. “Oh…” He sucked in a sharp breath, eyes going wide. “Oh, I see. It makes sense now.”
Rumi sighed in relief. Good. Now they could move forward.
“No wonder Celine has kept you away from court.”
Or get dragged right back into the abyss.
Jinu stepped away, pacing. “Of course, it all makes sense now! Celine is coddling you – I mean you’re almost thirty and your hair is still in a braid. That’s madness! That’s not how the future empress should be.”
“Jinu!” Rumi shouted, exasperated to all hell. He paused, and she had to fight to keep from slapping away the pity shining in his eyes. “Listen to me. All this… nonsense… doesn’t matter to me, alright. Whatever the hell you think things are supposed to be, I want to marry you, only you, understand?” She stepped forward, clasping their hands together with a loving smile. “My one and, god willing, only husband. Okay?”
Jinu relaxed under her touch, love clear across his face. But then it vanished, horror taking its place. “Wait, no. No, you can’t!” It was only due to the previous insanity that Rumi’s heart didn’t break at the sheer desperation in his voice. “I can’t be the wife!”
Rumi clenched her jaw–there was too much to unpack there. “Whyever not?”
“I can’t run a household!” Jinu despaired. Rumi dropped his hands as he spiraled. “All the alliances and appointments! The finances – the food budget alone!” He gasped. “Oh, Celine will kill me for even daring to look upon the position.”
He grabbed onto Rumi’s shoulders, eyes wild. “Rumi, enough playing around, you have to marry Mira.”
“What—no, Jinu, I—”
“She’s the only one that can be your wife!” He cut her off, sinking to his knees. “I will just drag your reputation through the mud!” He took a sharp breath. “And the less said about Zoey the better.”
“Fuck you, I’d be a great wife!” Zoey shouted. “I have way more business savvy than Mira! And I’m better at sex!”
“What?!” Mira turned to Zoey, smacking her shoulder. “The fuck are you talking about?”
“Oh please.” Zoey rolled her eyes. “You were born with a silver spoon in your mouth and a diamond rattle in your hands. You don’t know the true value of the dollar.”
“Not that!” Mira snarled. “Who the hell decided you were better at sex than me?”
“I’m not the one that reads shitty romance novels!”
“What does that have to do with having sex?”
“The fact that you read them clearly means you aren’t getting any.”
Rumi looked between her best friends, arguing about their sexual prowess, and her fiance kneeling before her, begging that she marry one of her aforementioned friends.
Why were the people she loved so utterly insane?
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A/N: This story has been rattling around in my head for a solid month. And now, I am free.