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it's dazai's newest pasttime.
it's a stupid one, befitting dazai. it's an annoying one, befitting dazai even more.
but nobody dares to get in-between the prodigy of the guerilla squad and whatever catches his fancy, so everybody else steers clear of the two of them once they get wind of what's happening.
dazai osamu is a once-in-ten-lifetimes prodigy when it comes to strategies, heartlessness and overall potential for evil. that everybody thinks he's going to be the next boss eventually is one big reason why they don't attempt to scold the young teen for his actions.
though, to be fair, the reason why nakahara chuuya doesn't begrudge them for folding faster than a twig under his heel is because he knows the main reason why nobody stands up to dazai - at least, when it comes to harassing chuuya - is because dazai has overflowing blackmail material on each and every one of them.
it used to impress chuuya, way back when he was still dressed up in doll-like outfits, as part of his training to be a spy working as a courtesan.
(needless to say, with his short fuse, foul mouth and fiery attitude, he failed that training. failing that training sent him to mori-sensei and to moving from casually meeting dazai osamu to being partnered with him on every damn mission, paired with him on everything that ranges from dinner schedules to martial arts training - a mistake that he's continuing to regret years down the line.)
okay, so.
nobody stops dazai, even they really should.
because dazai has a new pasttime and chuuya thinks that he's THIS close to committing treason by killing dazai without undergoing the proper mafia execution process.
dazai's new pasttime is -
"chuuya!"
speak of the devil and he'll come.
he whirls around, prepared for it this time, because a dozen failures only means that the thirteenth time equals preparedness -
- and a wet kiss smacks against the back of his right hand.
"haha, better luck next time~!" dazai sing-songs, skipping away after his successful attack on chuuya's sanity.
chuuya makes a disgruntled face and makes a show of scrubbing the back of his hand raw against the wall of the hallway he's treading to make his way back to his room.
dazai's new pasttime is successfully kissing chuuya without suffering grievous body harm.
he's succeeded for the past thirteen times and that's thirteen times too many.
("that boy 'sjust bein' a boy, chuuya. what did i tell you about seducing men, chuuya?"
"to bleed them dry and make them crazy about you", chuuya replies petulantly. "but, kouyou-neesan, he's making ME go crazy!"
"you're such a hopeless fool. no wonder you failed the training."
"kouyou-neesan, don't leave me!")
"gotcha!" dazai yells as he successfully lands a kiss against chuuya's foot, just as chuuya takes a dip on the onsen. "laters, chuuya!"
("he's just finding an excuse to hang out around you."
"he's EVERYWHERE. we live next to each other. he can just text me like a normal person!"
"...........................................................but you're both not normal."
"gin-chan, that pause is way too long.")
"ah, widdle chuuya can't catch me~" dazai taunts right after he lands a kiss to chuuya's forehead as a replacement for his alarm clock that ran out of batteries.
("i wish akutagawa-senpai would liven up my day by surprising me with kisses! ah, chuuya-senpai, you don't know how lucky you are!"
"lucky??? me???? ???? ???? ????????? higuchi, are you okay????"
"chuuya-senpai, there are way too many question marks there, are you implying something?")
"eskimo kisses count too!" dazai proclaims, as he rubs their nose together after the two of them win a partner bridge game against world partner bridge champions who also happen to be married for twenty years.
("you know, chuuya-san, i can help you with this!"
"really?"
"i'll give you lemon bombs. and you wear them under your shirt. so you'd have lemon bomb boobs. so when dazai-san gropes you, BOOM! please, chuuya-san, do it for science!"
"why the fuck did i even ask you.")
"got you, chuuya~" dazai laughs against the exposed skin of chuuya's thigh, no thanks to the slit of the dress he's wearing, because kouyou doesn't like waste, so if they need a powerful operative who can dress and talk like a rich girl, they'd use chuuya even though he failed in completing the courtesan training.
("...so that's what's happening with me so far."
"............."
"ah, maybe i should just stay here forever. you're the best person to talk to about this."
"............"
"i get the feeling that you don't really listen to me, but thanks, kyouka-chan."
"..........")
"i have your saliva on my eyes, fucker!" chuuya yells as his tired-from-thirty-straight-hours-of-movie-marathon-with-dazai eyes feel the tell-tale texture of dazai's lips pressing against them.
("WHY IS IT YOU?!
"IT'D BE SWELL IF IT'S *YOU* INSTEAD, AKUTAGAWA!"
"...chuuya-san, i misjudged you. you're a good person.")
"surprise~!" dazai chirps from his hiding spot, moving too quickly for chuuya to react, diving straight for his face. dazai's lips land uncomfortably close to chuuya's own lips, but they miss by a few millimeters, dazai ending up with a kiss against the part where chuuya's lips and skin meet.
it's been more than a month now and chuuya's gone the full cycle of grief regarding this. every single person he's asked about this - and even the ones he doesn't even know - and even the ones who have given him unsolicited advice and opinions - they all coax him to ask one thing, to both dazai and himself.
"why the fuck are you doing this?" he asks dazai once the other takes a step back. instead of allowing the other to bolt right away, chuuya's learned from the past six hundred nine times, so his hands are clamped over dazai's wrists.
dazai's eyes are terribly bright.
"why, chuuya, i thought you'd never ask!"
"i asked you about twenty times before, you just didn't answer!"
"twenty-nine," dazai corrects, but he's smiling. he's even annoying enough to maneuver his hands so that chuuya's hold slides down to his hands, and. they're holding hands, fingers intertwined and all. what the fuck.
"fine! twenty-nine, then! and you just ran away!"
"ah, but this is the first time you've asked me after you've asked yourself why you're allowing this to happen, yes?"
"........hirotsu-san ratted me out, that shitty geezer."
"ahahaha, nah, hirotsu-san didn't tell me anything. it's your cute, pouty face that screamed your feelings for me, chuuya."
"fuck you to hell and back."
"only if you'll be there with me."
"shut the fuck up and just kiss me properly, idiot."
"ah, maybe i shouldn't, since chuuya's being so bossy-"
and because chuuya's being bossy, he takes the initiative this time and presses a kiss right in the middle of dazai's lips.
("why the fuck do you even like that bastard," chuuya asks the stupid idiot in the mirror.
"because i kiss really, really, really well?" dazai suggests, coming out of the shower and embracing chuuya from behind, the wetness of his untoweled hair dripping all over chuuya. chuuya frowns, but doesn't push the bastard away.
"i'm such an idiot."
"as long as you're an idiot who'll allow me to kiss you all the time, i can live with your idiocy."
"don't sound as if you're just bearing with me, you shitty ass!"
"ah, okay, i should sound lovestruck, got it."
"that's not what i meant!"
"i love you very much that i'd rather die than be separated from you for even a minute, chuuya."
"shut up!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"you're blushing~! you really like that line, you're so cute and gullible, chuuya."
"i hate you so much."
"well, now i'm confused. do you allow people you hate to kiss you and sleep with you on a regular basis?"
"......."
"well?"
"...not if it's you."
"!!!!!!!!"
"dazai?!!! what the fuck, did you just faint on me?!")
omake:
it's dazai's newest pasttime.
it's a stupid one, befitting dazai. it's an annoying one, befitting dazai even more.
"...um, i don't mean to be rude, dazai-san, but you should stop this."
"NOW YOU STEP IN?!"
"i mean, if your new hobby is to molest chuuya-san on different locations, please let us know ahead of time so we can watch, don't be so stingy!"
"i hate all of you."
"now, now, chuuya, let me remind you to not sleep with all of the people you hate, okay!"
"I FUCKING HATE YOU MOST OF ALL."
"WHY IS IT YOU?!"
"AKUTAGAWA, I WILL NOT WISH THIS UPON YOU."
"I MISJUDGED YOU, CHUUYA-SAN. YOU'RE NOT A GOOD PERSON."
"...higuchi you fool, you should aim higher! don't just watch, record it and sell it to others!"
"i really hate all of you. i'm going to leave the mafia."
but they all know chuuya doesn't mean it.
after all, he only really hates one person in this entire world.