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Total War: Pharaoh - Dynasties Modern-day spoof: Pokemon BRONZE

Summary:

In a satirical, modern-day Bronze Age where dynasties are run like corporations and political disputes are settled in mall food courts, the tech-obsessed Pharaoh Seti II launches "Pokémon: BRONZE"—a wildly popular augmented reality game. The catch? It’s a secret government surveillance program designed by his shrewd Chancellor Bay to track and pacify the populace. The entire scheme threatens to collapse when Seti, its biggest fan, accidentally targets the game’s first "Legendary" catch: his estranged, protest-leading brother, Amenmesse, lives in the middle of Cairo's busiest shopping mall.

Notes:

Pokémon: BRONZE is a parody of Pokémon GO.

Work Text:

CAIRO FESTIVAL CITY MALL - GRAND ATRIUM - AFTERNOON

The sun streams through the immense glass ceiling of the Grand Atrium, bathing the polished floors in a warm, golden light. The space is bustling with modern life – shoppers, families, the distant hum of music.

Tausret, elegant and composed, scans the crowd, a slight frown on her brow.

Tausret: Where are you going, Seti? [Seti, phone clutched in his hand, rushes towards her, his eyes glued to the screen. He’s entirely absorbed in the augmented reality game displayed on his phone.]
Seti[appears with his phone] We're going to meet the citizens! [He grabs Tausret’s hand, and they begin to walk, weaving through the shoppers.]
Tausret: Wow.
Seti: Ya know, Tausret, thanks to my game, I can locate the Bronze Age-inspired citizens throughout the mall.

On Seti's phone screen, we see a map-like interface. A profile of a female entertainer appears briefly.

Tausret: I see. [Seti and Tausret enter the Main Gallery, a more open space filled with displays and more people.]
Seti: Look at that, there's a female entertainer who wears headphones a few blocks from here. [He points vaguely ahead with his phone.] Ah, she must not be very far away.


They continue their brisk walk, heading towards the North Retail Zone.

Seti: Follow me, Taussie, there she is!

They stop near a display of high-end electronics. Seti’s eyes dart around, his phone held up expectantly. Tausret looks around, then back at Seti, an amused expression on her face.

Tausret: Well, nobody is here.
Seti: [nods, not looking up from his phone] It's normal, that name's Naunet.


PROFILE

Name: Naunet
Age: 24
Height - weight: 168 cm - 57.5 kg
Likes: Singing and dancing
Dislikes: Anything spicy


Seti[about Naunet] She wears headphones while being on stage. She is poor at eating spicy foods, but she is very musical and performs spectacular music stages during holidays. It’s all about collecting their data profile!

Back on Seti’s phone, his avatar is now in AR mode. The image of Naunet flickers into existence, superimposed over the real world. Seti’s thumb hovers over the screen, preparing to throw.

He flicks a virtual Poké Ball. Naunet dodges it with a little digital shimmy.

Meanwhile, around Seti and Tausret, we see other figures engrossed in their phones: Bay, Ninurta, Hector, and his brother Paris. They too are playing Pokémon: BRONZE. Bay lets out a small yelp of triumph.

On Seti’s phone, Naunet continues to dodge his attempts. Finally, with a well-aimed throw, the ball connects.

Seti[victorious, euphorically] That's it! She's caught!

Bay approaches, beaming, his phone held aloft.

Bay: I caught him, too, Seti. With the journalist named Nebaendjau and Wenefy the Activist that I captured earlier,


PROFILE

Name: Nebaendjau
Age: 42
Height - weight: 177 cm - 75,2 kg
Likes: Collecting articles
Dislikes: Being accused

--

Name: Wenefy
Age: 26
Height - weight: 171 cm - 72,4 kg
Likes: Protecting the rights
Dislikes: Violation of rights


Bay: ...we will never have met so many Kemetian guys since 2023!


A logo flashes briefly on a screen: Pokémon: BRONZE

Amennakt[voice over] Pokémon: BRONZE. They've all been caught by the government!


PLOT TWIST

Suddenly, Seti’s phone emits a more urgent, discordant alert. His avatar on screen encounters a different kind of target. Not a citizen, but a hulking, angry-looking figure.

Seti: Whoa! [On his phone, Seti sees a walking protestor from Kush, a figure radiating anger and betrayal. It’s Amemnesse.] A betrayed union that is pissed off!? [He turns to Tausret, his eyes wide with the thrill of the chase.] I have to catch him, Taussie! [He attempts to capture the new target.]
Tausret: Seti, it isn't a citizen, it's your brother whom we had betrayed.

On Seti's phone screen, and then in the real world, Amenmesse appears, his face contorted in rage. He carries a crudely made picket sign.

Tausret: Uh oh!
Seti: Dammit!
Amenmesse[carrying his picket sign 'YOU TRAITORS SUCK!'] Death to you, traitors!

Off-screen, Amenmesse swings the picket sign. *Thwack!* Seti lets out a muffled cry and is hit. On-screen, Seti stumbles, clutching his head, and slowly gets up.

Tausret: Are you alright, my love?
Seti[shaking his head, still a bit woozy] I think, uh, I think this game will fail the trade unions during strikes.
Tausret: Oh...

Audience laughter.

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