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Be Dirk. A while after Dirk and John on the outside got together, you, the Dirk on the inside noticed something was off with your counterpart. The Johns couldn’t feel it but from time to time his condition reached you and drowned you in green paranoia closing up your throat. Nightmares of John leaving you for someone else plagued you. The image of your own greediness driving him away haunted your waking moments.
You knew it was even more absurd for you to fall for this line of thinking in here but it got to you.
This wouldn't last.
Without a word to anyone you withdrew back into your room, closing yourself in to wait for the guillotine to drop. The guillotine the other you was building for both of your executions. You felt it brewing. His paranoia and anxieties got worse and it was only a matter of time before they would boil over, scalding everything in their way. They would all hate you. It was inevitable. This truth repeated in your head.
You stopped sleeping because you feared the feedback loop with the outside you would make everything worse. The ceiling was interesting enough. Didn’t need no sleep or entertainment. Maybe if you kept it together the other you could do that too?
Ace and Laz broke your trance. They entered through the window after the door was a bust. You just stared at the two intruders. “Why are you here?”
“Do you wanna guess?” Ace quipped.
“No.”
“Fuck. Is it that bad already?” Laz placed himself on the bed and gently stroked over your hair. It took all of your remaining willpower to resist leaning into the touch. The neediness for it developed without you taking note of it.
“He’s fucking it up. I can feel it coming.”
“Feel coming what exactly?” Ace crossed his arms skeptically.
“He’s being consumed by jealousy and only inches away from snapping.”
Disapproval in form of a tilted head with raised eyebrows made your heart stutter. Did Ace finally have enough of you? Would he grab Laz and leave? “So you’d rather hole yourself up here instead of talking to us about it?” Oh. Another weight joined the mattress.
“I’d rather choose to be alone than getting abandoned because my other self can’t keep his paranoia in check. Maybe it hurts less that way.” A grim smile stole itself on your face as you curled up away from them. It already hurt so bad to separate yourself from everyone, so how could it get worse?
“Dirk, you’re being unreasonably stupid.” Laz leaned down and enclosed you in his arms. It felt so good that it made your eyes swim. Stupid feelings. Stop it. “I told you before that we won’t leave you alone and that we won’t stop loving you over something that happens on the outside. You are too precious to all of us.”
“He’s right. I only get half of it but whatever you are going through right now, we will stay.” Ace joined the hug from the other side capturing you between two Johns.
That started the waterworks. They were too kind to you. Soon they would see the despicable things you are capable of and leave. Like everyone else. They would leave. You cried until you finally fell asleep under the dark premonition that it would all end the next time you would open your eyes.
~~~~~
The green feeling filled your first conscious breath. It was unbearable. It shook you alert in the most violent fashion. You had no context to what triggered the event, you only felt it going south through your connection to the other you. Then the vision claimed your mind as its own.
Dirk's face seems amused but you recognize the pain and distrust lingering in his eyes.
“If you had known earlier, would you have given him a chance?”
It is a trap. There is no right answer.
“Dave? Uh that is a weird thought?”
“Ace keep the others out! Go!”
Someone cupped your face. “Dirk? Dirk? Stay with me! Dirk!”
“I mean the whole not knowing about being gay part makes it really hard to imagine. So maybe? I don’t know.” Before John averts his eyes you watch the other you sink even deeper into his madness. A wave of insecurity washes over you from John's side.
“Dirk, you need to let go of the connection. It’s breaking you, Dirk, damn it listen to me.” Laz voice was panicked and you felt his warmth washing over you, desperately trying to anchor you. But you were too far gone, you couldn’t help but watch the doom spiral of your own making. The next question would be the worst and you already knew that outside Dirk was perfectly aware how unfair that question was.
“But wouldn’t it be totally possible that you are bi? From what you’ve told me it sounds like you’re quite the ladies guy. Wouldn’t you want to try that, too?”
John gets wary. His instincts are telling him that something has gone awry with this situation and that he needs to get out of there. Not only his instinct, you are wishing for that, too.
Laz held on to you, trying to protect you from the harsh reality that was unfolding in front of everyone’s eyes. It didn’t work. You were forced to watch it anyway.
“You are being weird about this. What’s wrong?” John's eyes fixate Dirk and a wave of distrust clashes over you.
“Nothing. I just wanna know.”
“Bullshit. Why?”
“Why don’t you answer the question?” Dirk's voice is laced with such poison, it makes you sick.
“No! I won’t answer your stupid questions. They are stupid and you are being stupid. If you won’t tell me what’s wrong, I’ll go.”
John stands up and turns to the door. Just as he reaches it a long slender hand holds it shut from behind him. John turns around and the eyes of the other you are glowing with orange madness. Weeks of doubt and envy are crashing down on him and simultaneously on you. As John makes eye contact, you witness something break in those orange eyes and it breaks you too.
You made yourself into the villain and John finally recognizes that side of you. For a moment you get a glimpse of the reflection of John's wide blue eyes in your own cursed eyes. He is scared. The panic is rising.You hope he will end it soon to prevent him from seeing even more despicable behavior. But Dirk tops it off by forcibly clutching John's arm and demanding something that is the final straw for John. “I need to know!”
The scene disappeared from your vision but the deafening echo of the manic demand stayed. The heart of the other you shattered into pieces. Regret, self hate and clarity about what he had done broke him. You felt the shards ripping apart the last remnant of his self. The soul of the prince descended into darkness, was swallowed whole by it. The pain of feeling the light of your other soul getting extinguished, was too much. Your hearts broke in unison. Before death could claim you once more a final whisper escaped your lips. “I’m sorry.”
Everything went dark.
~~~~~
It’s neither just nor heroic to die from a heartbreak of your own making. To manipulate someone into breaking your heart was downright stupid and you should stay alive to feel bad about this. Or something like that could have been the cosmic reasoning for you waking up from your cursed slumber. 10 Johns were gathered around you, but you felt empty. So empty that you would rather stop existing all together. Laz with blue tear streaks on his face was slumped next to you on the bed. You made him cry. That stirred something inside of you. With a broken voice you reached out to him.
Nothing more than a mumble escaped your lips. “Ace will beat me up.”
“Dirk!” Laz shot up and slung his arms around your neck, starting to sob and hiccup.
“Don’t ever fucking do that again. We thought we lost you.” Ace sounded angry but relieved.
“Dirk. What happened?” June's voice was insecure for the first time since you met her. “Why did you die?”
“Because the other me died. From breaking his own stupid heart by making John leave.” You almost could've laughed but the emptiness didn’t let you. The connection to the other you was lost but he probably woke up alone and assumed the worst. Typical.
“So the other you is dead?” The voice of Depression John quivered in fear. A small part of you had the urge to comfort him but the emptiness yawned at the thought.
“Not permanently. But it’s only a matter of time before he changes that permanence attribute. He’s sure John won’t come back after what he did. Would be understandable honestly.”
June's eyes widened with dread. Then she pointed at 7 Johns. “You guys go to sleep and make him go back. He can do his panic windy thing later. We need to prevent this. Tell the other two Johns and maybe it’s a long shot but use the basement for it. Don’t care how you get to sleep, just do it. NOW!”
The Johns scattered minus Ace and Laz.
You blinked in confusion. “What are you doing?”
“Saving your stupid ass of course. If he dies, you die and we won’t let that happen.” June turned around and strode out of the room.
“What’s with us?” Ace called after her.
She turned around in the doorway. “You know what to do.” And she left Ace a little dumbfounded.
“You know what to do she says. Fuck that.” He rubbed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “But really Dirk. Don’t ever fucking do that again. I mean look at him.” He gestured towards his sobbing boyfriend.
You complied and to truly perceive the blue haired boy clinging to you washed away the emptiness. It released a storm of emotions. The agony of dying, the piercing of the shattered pieces, the scene between Dirk and John. Everything came back to you. The memory of Laz clinging to you, begging you to stay with him, came with them and the realization slapped you right in the face. He witnessed you fading and dying in his arms.
“Fuck. No.” Finally you wrapped your arms around this ball of misery, holding him close, reassuring him that you were with him. “I’m sorry you had to watch that. I’m back. I won’t go anywhere.”
Laz tightened his grip, continuing his distraught display. You despised yourself that you made the happiest side of John cry again. Ace should really beat you up for this transgression. Instead he joined the hug and the three of you stayed like this until Laz calmed down a bit.
A new vision appeared before all of you.
Dirk is cowering on the bathroom floor with a knife in his hand, his body overcome by shivers. His demeanor is reminiscent of a black hole ready to swallow all the light around it.
In addition to John's distress about this situation you started to feel your other self again.
“He doesn’t believe that John is back for him.”
John takes away the knife and kneels down in front of the empty shell that is your alter ego. Guilt, fear and sadness wave off from John. From Dirk there is nothing.
"Why are you here?"
This question was too much for John. Chaos broke loose. Volatile emotions flooded the space around you. For a short moment you couldn't breathe. You didn’t hear the words that broke the spell and made Dirk react to his crying boyfriend. But damn if they weren’t effective. Dirk clung to John like he was a lifeline, keeping him from drowning.
“He thinks it’s his own fault that he died. He’s sure that his soul leeched on to John. He doesn’t know about the exchange.”
The vision blurred while John picked up the crying mess in front of him. He was riven by worry and frustration, because he didn’t know how to help the one he held so dear. The last image was of John pressing Dirk tight to his chest, letting him cry until he fell asleep.
~~~~~
The shittiest part about getting the bits and pieces of the relationship between John and Dirk was that there was no resolve most of the time. This time June ordered half of the Johns to stay asleep and dream of the reality.
Laz clung to you like he needed to keep you from leaving him. He looked like he would never be happy again. Your mind searched for a solution and just as you asked yourself, if kissing him would be a viable idea to get him out of the shock, Depression John sneaked into the room. He looked morose over to his counterpart.
“He’s not better.”
You shook your head.
“We can’t have that. It’s too sad.”
“Ey. Leave him alone, he watched the whole thing go down. He has every right to be upset.” Ace intervened.
You ignored the disruption. “Can you help him?”
“Yes. That’s why I’m here.”
Depression John crawled on the end of the bed and you sat both Laz and yourself up. There was no reaction from the blue haired boy. John cupped his counterparts cheeks, pulling the other's forehead to his own. You witnessed the dark haze over the heterochromia eyes dissipate. The blue began to shine like the sea once more and the lava was flowing again. Clarity came over his face as he watched the other John sway and almost fall. But Laz reacted quickly and pulled him against his chest.
“You idiot. Why? How?”
Depression John laughed without joy. “You need to be happy. It’s important.”
“You did that before, didn’t you? You took the bad feelings away. But it hurts you, so why?”
Depression John shook his head and averted his eyes. Ace crawled next to you and stage whispered in your ear. “What am I missing?” You shrugged and nodded towards the opposites on the bed.
Laz didn't let up. “That time when John was... when we all were almost at the end, you did the same and just vanished. You took everything upon you and dealt with it on your own. You are so foolish, we could’ve helped you!”
“It’s okay. That’s my purpose. You bring the joy and I take the sadness. I would do it all over again, if it means that you can be happy.”
To watch your moirail outing himself as the one who was shielding everyone from going insane warmed your heart. He explained to you the importance of Trickster John being happy for the balance of this world. You knew he felt alone with this burden that he wasn’t ready to share until this moment.
All of the Johns have a duty or a function in this mind space. Most of them don't realize it but act according to their role naturally. Maybe it’s part of your mission here to make them realize their potential? Or maybe that’s just your hubris talking.
Later June brought the news that the two on the outside made up. You felt it right all along that Dirk was consumed by nightmares about John leaving. Dirk didn’t tell John about him dying. You were pretty sure he didn’t want to pressure John into staying. It was bad enough that he had to witness Dirk's attempt to end it all and keep him from going through with it. That’s not a healthy base for a relationship, you knew that and he did too, hopefully.
But you understood why he didn’t come clean about the real reason. You had the premonition that it would come back to bite you all later but for now it was okay.