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Language:
English
Series:
Part 1 of Crackfics from the dyslexic sweat that desperately needs help and for people to STOP TOUCHING THEM
Stats:
Published:
2025-11-02
Updated:
2026-03-17
Words:
1,075
Chapters:
2/10
Comments:
10
Kudos:
10
Hits:
200

My Magnum Opus of Crack

Summary:

So like, I'm bored right? And hella dyslexic and burnt out from being an honors student and just pain on top of pain in my life. This is where all my last bits of hope in the world are going, I have no energy for stuff and I just need a space where I don't have to be on edge anymore. I need a space to disassociate. :]

Also a lot of the tags will be changed and some things are in the story that I wasn't able to tag. I hope you like it!!

Notes:

Details:
- Pure crack
- Most of the characters are between 17-30 (I guess) but most are adults
- X-Men is for the queer people!! And while there is only three rock solid ships in the tags, there is flirting between other people but nothing is actually done since it's a chattfic.
- YES!! IT'S A CHAT FIC
- Gay people, swears, brain rot since I'm tired of being smart, internalized homophobia from the author, some things that happen in this fic are real things that have happened to me or I have done (there will be warnings in the notes if a certain chapter has something like that that may be harmful to read 🤷🏾)
- This is my first real writing so it will be cringe, I've written worse though...
- Two, maybe three original characters, all male but they're just there to add to the story.
- No set year for this fic either, maybe the 2010s so I left it has 20XX. You can choose what you want and suggest it, it all depends on if I mention pop culture things.
- I take requests btw, for ships, scenes, anything. I alsor really like music and music inspired me to write this so if you suggest a song for me to listen to I can write something related to it.
- No schedule and no beta reader, we die like the real men we want to be.
- Please call be Jed (or Jedediah) (you can probably guess the original male character that I embody the most...) It's not my real name so that worry. They/Them pronouns please and thank you.
- I don't check my inbox like ever, so if I don't respond or post, assume I'm being sexual harassed by my friends and gf or drowning like the burnt out gifted kid I am. (I WILL be writing a scene for this, I love how I can turn my f'ed up life into beautiful writing) 🥰

Chapter 1: The dawn of a new era (of crack)

Chapter Text

___

Saturday [18:22 EST]
___

 

Henry McCoy created a group chat

Henry McCoy added 21 people

Henry McCoy: Per request of the Professor, I have created an easy and simple way for us staff members do communicate during the school day about school.

Henry McCoy: If there are any questions or concerns, please refer to me or Professer Xavier.

Bobby Drake: This is going to go to shit quickly

Jubilation Lee: Frrr

Jane Allerdyce: You couldn't have used our updated emails?

Jedediah Kelly McCarthy-Owens: Why is my name longer than our resident leprechaun's here?

Bobby Drake: Your middle name is Kelly??? 😭😭

Jedediah Kelly McCarthy-Owens: And your middle name is Rebecca, Mr. Drake. I advise you to sit down somewhere.

Jubilation Lee: Damn

Bobby Drake: Sybau, Jub 🥀

Henry McCoy: Enough about names. This is the first time we are actually using a proper form of email at the school, that is why some people's names are more outdated.

Jean Grey: Why is Wade here?

Charles Xavier: Marcus and Matt left him here last time we had a meeting.

Wade Wilson: Marcus said Logan wasn't putting up his part of the supposed "child support" and "dual custody" of me. :P

Logan Howelett: that's a fucking lie

Henry McCoy: Back to what I was saying!

Warren Worthington III: DADDY'S MAD!!! 👿👿

Henry McCoy: ...

Bobby Drake: WARREN SHUT UP!! 😭😭😭

Jane Allerdyce: I THOUGHT KURT WAS THE ONLY ONE YOU CALLED DADDY 💀💀

Warren Worthington III: Sybau John 🥀🥀 Imagine still using the skull emoji in the big 20XX

...

Henry McCoy: Are you three done yet?

Piotr Rasputin: Furry Daddy Sandwich

Henry McCoy: Not you too.

...

Sean Cassidy: Are we just going to ignore that fact that Jedediah called me a leprechaun?

Jedediah Kelly McCarthy-Owens: I've called you worse.

Alexander Alexandria Summers: Much worse.

 

___

Sunday [06:24 EST]
___

 

Henry McCoy changed their name to Hank McCoy

Hank McCoy: I suppose everyone has at least started on their class schedules for the new semesters as of right now?

Raven Darhölme: Shut up

Hank McCoy: Rude.

Jubilation Lee: deserved

Charles Xavier: Hank is correct. It is the third day of January and winter break is coming to a close. I have a list of new students joining us this semester in my office. Feel free to drop by and pick up your student list or jsut to chat.

Jedediah Kelly McCarthy-Owens: Can I for once not be put with the psychotic ankle biters?

Charles Xavier: They're not psychotic, and you're only placed with them because of your ability to care with troubled kids whike still have a firm grip on the teaching curriculum.

Jedediah Kelly McCarthy-Owens: Logan does the same thing but with less students.

Logan Howelett: i do it willingly without being put with a class

Jubilation Lee: When have you taught a psychotic student?

Jedediah Kelly McCarthy-Owens: You lot.

Jubilation Lee: Lollll

Jubilation Lee changed their name to Jubilee✨️

Hank McCoy: Anyway, are there anymore concerns with the semester class schedules?

Logan Howelett: will wade be receiving a class this year? he's been a real pain in the ass lately

Wade Wilson: How dare you Logie Bear!!! 😤 At least I do things around the school, just look at Remy!

Remy LeBeau: I do things around the school too, mon ennemi.

Wade Wilson: Like what?

Remy LeBeau: I cook and I teach French.

Charles Xavier: Back to Logan's question, I suppose I could find something with Wade to do. If it will keep him out of trouble and everyone's hair. He could possibly help Peter and Piotr with physical education and sports?

Logan Howelett: thanks

Pepper Maximoff changed their name to Peter

Peter: Sound proof walls for the room next to me 🫩

Jubilee ✨️: You act like old people getting it on is weird

Sean Cassidy: OLD PEOPLE???

Peter: He's even loud over text 😔

Charles Xavier: Inappropriate request but it can be done.

Erik Lehnsherr: Charles just sighed very loudly, what is going on in here?

Charles Xavier: Nothing darling.

Jubilee ✨️: OLD MAN YAOI!!!

Wade Wilson: YEAH!!!

Erik Lehnsherr: What?

Jean Grey: We need more printer paper

Hank McCoy: We just purchased a whole 500 pack a month ago.

Jean Grey: Someone took the whole thing. No, ate the whole thing.

Erik Lehnsherr: How??

Logan Howelett: there's only one person that would do that

Jean Grey: Yes, I know who as well.

...

Wade Wilson: FINE FINE I DID IT NOW STOP STARING DAGGERS AT ME, DADDY LOGIE BEAR. 😭😭😭

Raven Darhölme: It's way to early for this shit, does anyone want coffee?

Jubilee ✨️: I do!

Erik Lehnsherr: I'm so confused and a little concerned.

Hank McCoy: I think this impromptu meeting is done.

Charles Xavier: Agreed

 

___

Sunday [07:30 EST]
___

 

Bobby Drake: It's barely light outside, what is going on here?!
Bobby Drake: Oh
Bobby Drake: WADE EATS PAPER!!!! 😭😭😭
Bobby Drake: GANG WHAT???!!!
Bobby Drake: JOHN WAKE UP!!!!

Jane Allerdyce: Bobby stop spamming

Jane Allerdyce changed their name to John

John: Wait, Wade eats paper?!

Jubilee ✨️: You two are a little later to the party 😽
Jubilee ✨️: What were you doing last night? 🤨

Kitty Pryde: Your mom

Jubilee ✨️: My mom's dead

Kitty Pryde: oh...

Warren Worthington III: SHE'S LITERALLY LAUGHING, DON'T LISTEN TO HER!!!

Hank McCoy: I'm deleting this group chat. This was a mistake.